A Flawed Writer

fam is nothing without ily 

perhaps fam should stand on its own 

because ily seems to have a different meaning 

“You leave your mark on my skin like the stubborn white sands on the beach

I try to dust you away but little pieces of you creep their way in

And I can’t get rid of you no matter how many times I wash away the poison that you laced me with”

She falls in love with things as silent as she is

watching the clear night sky, in

S

E

R

E

N

I

T

Y

Longing to be like one of the S T A R S

Finding comfort in the thought that there is light

Even in the darkness

The tragic love story between the sun and the moon

is her favorite fairytale

The way the sun

 F

A

L

L

S

for the moon to S H I N E

And the moon who

 E

S

I

R

so the sun can rest

But in the moment they touch and meet for the first time

The colors of their love EXPLODES through the skies

Hiding the last breath of life exiting that night

She plays her piano to tune out the rest of the world

The notes that leaves traces on her fingers make her whole 2 3 4

Never mind their raised voices

Making her heart beat in sixteenths and a 2

She feels her lost loved ones in the f l o w of the wind

Standing alone with her eyes shut closed

Just so she can feel their touch against-her-skin again

This way she knows where their spirit lies An alternative from the coffin she watched

Being dropped six feet down

She says she loves the silence

But loathes those which gives her the most pain

These halls are not so empty

lockers aren’t the only ones shut out

Voices make up the air we invade

Hushed when the doors are locked

These walls are not that hollow

They stare at us through the cracks

Listen to the conversations

But not the ones they want us

To have

Thus they are starting to weaken

Because we do not care enough

Crumbled,

easily tearable

Rock turned into ash

These pillars used to hold everything

Together

Now it is a weight even we cannot

Hold

-the torch was passed onto us

the copters hover over our lands every morning. the roar of the engine is just enough to induce the fear that we’ve all felt for years. We’re under constant watch, a single movement scrutinized. They say it was for our own protection. But we were in the midst of what seemed to be another Cold War. It’s funny; we learn about these great wars, but if we’re being honest: no war has ever been great. You’d think we’d learn by now how drastic the effects of war would be on all of humanity. But that’s not what concerns people. Still, the world leaders actions are all decided by one factor—the same it’s always been— P O W E R. Power over humanity, power over the safety of others, power over sanity. It’s driving the rest of us insane: Living like this. Watching history repeat itself before our very eyes. Was it not enough? But the answer to that question is obvious, so obvious that it needn’t not be asked.

NO. For them? Nothing is ever enough. Not until they get what they want. And they would stop at nothing to make sure they succeed in the end.

And at what expense?

Who will fight for us now that the efforts of those who came before us has been washed down the drain? When an effort to end a battle that’s been going on for centuries could be an act of infiltrating us at our weakest? A battle of arms when we least expect it?

The action of one leader, one person, affects all.

We’re too close to death.

And they are too far gone—

And I, could no longer differentiate from the copters over our heads, the sound of the looming thunder, not even the engine of a mere motorcycle wrecking havoc on the streets.

At this point, they all sound the same way to me.

Do you know how I know we were meant to be together? It’s because I see you. I see you in my dreams. I used to stand by, watching a love story unfold before my eyes then wake up, trying to remember the face of the person who was there with me: holding hands, laughing, having a deep conversation with—even the dreams where we were fighting, crying, holding each other in our arms for comfort, never wanting to let go. It was just a dream but those moments held so much passion and love that I can’t help but think that dreams are the only place I get to experience such a thing. But I always forget the face. And it’s crazy, longing to see a face who I’ve only seen in my dreams. But as of that moment, that was the face of my soulmate, the face of someone I loved. Then you came along and I realized the reason why; I’ve never met you yet. I needed to put a name to the face and it all made sense ever since. I needed to find you, needed to know who you are, because you are the only one that matters in the end. It’s you I want to see in my dreams, and it’s you I want to see the moment I wake up. Every waking moment, every night when we go to bed. It’s you I see in my thoughts. In scenarios I want to make true with you. In nonexistent memories that I think up so vividly in my mind that they could only be real. I see you when a love song plays in my head or on the radio. I see us dancing; in Victorian era clothing doing a traditional ballroom dance then I see you and I slow dancing during prom, or singing loudly in the car without any care in the world. I see us on our wedding day, the ceremony had just ended and here we are: in our reception, dancing for the very first time as husband and wife. I know these events haven’t happened yet but these are the moments I envision with you. That’s how you know my love for you is real. Because its a love that’s infinite, a love that outlasts eternity. It’s a love that returns time and time again, and it’s a love that knows no end.”

Over and over again in my head

When an angry child who knows no better

Holds their tablet up over their heads

As a threat

while yelling at you

to put his sisters toy away

youd think-

you’ll be bleeding out of your own head

When you see a homeless guy

you don’t know you can trust

approaching your vehicle,

and watching, just staring

but all you can do is look down

Not as an act of ignorance but

because pity

is all you can give

You see another

Just standing around

in the grass

your cousin

driving carefully but fast

creating as much distance

Between you and the man

who

took one step closer

and with your windows down

reached out a hand

To grab you

To choke you

Maybe hide a weapon

Until the time was right

Or maybe it was just a hand

too bad your breath was hitched in your throat

And your eyes were shut

Embracing the hit that never came

Then you’re the one in the drivers seat

For the first time

On the road full of

drunk drivers

And collisions

even though you’re one of the responsible ones

Yet your father is yelling at you

Screaming

not to get too close to the lines

stay in your lane

Or you’ll hit the other cars

But then assure you afterwards

when you were so sure

you were gonna get hit

that it was their faults

for not checking both sides

I replay these moments

A vicous dog barking at me and my friends

nearly drowning in a pool after going down a slide even though I can’t swim

When I accidentally turned off the car but the brakes weren’t on

When I thought I was being followed after getting off the bus

Or when I think I have an incurable illness after reading the illness online

And most often than not

The times I believed were my lowest

and thought there was nothing more to be done

Over

and over

again

In my head

yet when I replay these moments

I always end up dead

Almost as if

I wasn’t meant to survive them

That my soul was left behind

And I am merely an empty canvas

Continue the same dull life

While I was still living.

“I need you out.” I tell him.

he stares, in his mind probably thinking up every possibility as to why this is happening. “what?”

I let out a deep breath, finding it difficult to breathe, having all of this kept up emotions that I just needed to let out. “I can’t do this. Not with you.”

“What are you talking? What do you mean, not with me? What have I done?” He forced my body to face him, holding my crossed arms in his hands.

“Nothing!” I say, my voice shooting up in defense. “You’re perfect. I just-“

“Then what’s the problem?” He asked, his tone laced with understanding. But he couldn’t possibly understand. He’s never gone through this before.

“I’m only going to push you away! I’m-I’m not perfect. I’ve- I haven’t been through something like this. I don’t know how this goes..”

“Don’t. Don’t do this.” He whispered, cupping my cheeks with his hands. I refused to look at him, look at his charm, refused to look in his eyes and see the way he was looking at me. I know I was only going to cave in. “Don’t pull that ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ kinda crap. Look at me.” He lifts my chin with a finger gently but I averted my eyes. “We’re better than that. We’re better than anything that came before us. You just have to believe that we can make it through this.”

“I’m a lost cause.” I cried, finally looking up to meet the eyes that haven’t stopped looking, that never stopped caring. “How could you possibly have any hope for me?”

“Cause I believed I was a lost cause until you found me and brought me back home.” He smiled, cheekily, giving off a small chuckle. And I hit him on his chest.

“God, that was so cheesy!” I teased, letting out a small laugh.

“Well that made you smile, didn’t it?” He grinned, his eyes sparkling under the light, of his little accomplishment.

“You ruined the moment.” I joked, pushing him off by his shoulder.

But then he took my hand and twirled me into the position where he could perfectly latch me into his body and embrace me, his head resting on my shoulders. “Oh,” he continued, his eyes glinting, “so there was a moment?”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself. I was serious.”

“Shh. Don’t ruin this one.”

“You’re impossible.”

“Maybe that’s why you love me so much.”

Then I freezed, stiff in his arms.

Love—

I can’t love him.

I can’t let this go on.

“What’s wrong? Was it something I said?”

I unlatched myself from him, losing that ounce of comfort that I so needed.

I take a step back, shakily. “I-I can’t love you. I can’t let this turn into something real. I’m letting myself get too carried away and I need you to stop. Stop messing with my heart, stop being so goddamn nice, stop making me feel so good all the time or else I wouldn’t want to wake up. I don’t want to wake up just to realize that you were never really there in the first place. I need to accept the fact that you’re gone and you being here, it’s not—

Wait stop!

Where are you going?

Please don’t leave!

Please..

But he continued to walk away into the light.. fading into it slowly until all that is left is a white, pure and blinding—

And I could feel my slow, deep breathes, and my eyes flutter into consciousness, feeling around my bed until I push myself to get up,

Only to realize the empty space that you left behind. Or better yet, the space that is yet to be filled.

She falls in love with the things as silent as she is

Something as calming as watching the clear night sky

And the moon positioned right where she could see it.

She longs to be one of  the stars:

finding comfort in the thought that there is light

Even in the darkness

She falls in love with the silent elegance of the sun, as it is setting amongst the calm waters of the ocean

Bringing with it all her troubles

As it disappears from the waters

And lets out a breath of relief

And watches with satisfaction

The colors brought forth by a beautiful ending

Letting it be known that the end isn’t always something to be dreaded

She falls in love with the graceful breaks in music

And how it can fill

Even the empty spaces in the room

And heal something

as fragile as an empty heart

And make them feel whole again

She especially falls in love with the majestic flow of the wind

Its hushed surprise

when it caresses her skin

Dances with her hair

And is a hug she didn’t know she needed

She is in love with the lonely nights

Where she has her thoughts to herself at 3 a.m

Reading a book and letting the pages fill the empt-

“HERE WE GO AGAIN !”

The swearing

The arguments

The profanity

the never-ending fights

……..

The silence that dawns over them

…

And the tension in the room that you can cut with a knife

...

Fills the perimeter

with the eeriness of

abandoned buildings

and amusement parks

She hopes to be on the airplane

that so delicately glided along the sky

But instead, she feels like the eyes

who watch the coffin as it so bitterly falls

Six-

Feet-

D

O

W

N

Yes she loves the silence

I thought I was getting better, 

really I was 

I never thought it was anything serious but--

I was in deeper than I thought.

I thought I was being dramatic, 

but the pain never really stopped.

How I said everything was okay-- 

maybe it was not 

there is something so beautiful

about something so tragic that

makes us drawn to the storm, 

I have not known love,

nor experienced it in all its glory 

I believe to have known heartbreak 

by believing in something I had thought was love 

that love was disguised in chocolates and roses and childish fantasies wrapped around romance and love stories

and I longed to have that kind of relationship with you 

that longing became obsessive 

not only for you but for every aspect of love that we could have had together, something so real and something so perfect became a mere fantasy, a fantasy I so wanted to escape in 

That idea of love consumed my entire well-being so much it gave me pain. A fictitious pain turned literal, from wanting something so much but you know you can never have it. 

I have not known true love, 

and I guess the love portrayed in movies and tv shows and romance novels will remain just that-

love that can only be found in an unrealistic reality, 

I'm just hoping for some type of reality with you.