So. I just realized today. That after well over a year of doing this. I, the person whose url is literally schizo sam wincester. Have not actually ever asked for mental illness and mental health headcanons. And I know you all love that stuff. So that's this week. All the fun angsty mental health stuff. Yeah actual diagnoses but also if you don't have those in mind, we can talk about trauma and suicide and panic attacks... what fun!
-@schizosamwincester
I have to admit I don't think about what their diagnoses would be very often, but I do have some headcanons. I am definitely a subscriber to the OCD brothers (and if I may: Mary had/has OCD too.) I think Dean's compulsions, especially when he was young, often manifested from a sudden, very strong feeling of wrong that wouldn't dissipate until the compulsion was complete. Sometimes the compulsion was to go through his whole training/exercise routine over and over until the wrong went away, and it finally felt right (safe). Other times it was as simple as he had to rub the cloth over Dad's gun just the right way for it to be good enough, even when he'd gone over it five times already. He had to put his socks on in the same position, same order every time. Tuck young Sam into bed the right way (this was actually encouraged by Sam's own sensory issues making him particular), you get the idea. Most of these things he didn't consciously think about, or really question, he just knew that if he didn't act on the urge, it would be bad. He knew it would be bad, because the itchy, hot sensation that buzzed under his skin only meant bad things, and it only went away when he did the right things.
Putting a break here because this post got very long. 1.7k words lol
Sam I see more with religious and cleanliness OCD. His ruminating and intrusive thoughts were/are tortuous. For the religious side of it, his intrusive thoughts tell him if he doesn't pray every night, or doesn't say the right words, or doesn't pray long enough, or does something wrong, his family will pay for it. Could be any of the countless graphic, horrible fates his mind conjures. And when his family, especially Dean, does come back from a hunt injured? That has to be Sam's fault too. He messed up, he didn't do xyz enough, and now Dean has a fractured wrist. And those are just his intrusive thoughts and compulsions, his constant ruminating often feels so much worse. Endless thoughts of being evil, tainted, a monster, etc. He's gotta be careful or he's gonna infect Dean. Oh Dean did something that Sam really wanted? He slipped up, he infected Dean; He must have, Dean wouldn't do this otherwise. Dean and John get in a fight or John hurts Dean (even moreso if it's on Sam's behalf) and Sam spends the rest of the night playing out what happened over and over, how he fucked up and caused it, how he could've prevented it, what he should've done. On and on and on. Again, you get the idea.
The cleanliness compulsions and thoughts follow mostly the same theme. Mainly, it centers around the idea that Sam isn't clean enough for [insert reason] (Dean to touch him, to share a pencil, his teacher to fondly pat his head, to hand out homework for his class) lest he risk exposing someone else to what he is, how filthy he is. Occasionally, he'll recognize that his greatest fear when Dean touches him, or looks too hard, or knows too much, is that he'll find out and nothing will ever be the same. Sam can't place what that thing is that Dean would find out until quite a few years later, and well, when he does it only makes it all worse.
I, too, adhere to schizophrenic Sam, though much like Iphis I don't post about it because I am not nearly as educated on schizophrenia as I am on other disorders. I did some quick research when writing this to make sure I wasn't confusing terms, but please do correct me if I get any language/terminology or traits wrong. Anyway here go my headcanons:
I think Sam has disorganized and catatonic behaviors such as repetitive movements, disjointed speech, and staying very still. Once he's older (i.e. later seasons) I think these behaviors are mainly prominent when he's under stress or triggered (can't even begin to list the possible events that would cause that, there are so. many). Sam with affective flattening is very real to me, and definitely started young. Also alogia, though not as prevalent. Dean becomes accustomed to it pretty easily and fills in the extra space with stupid jokes, unimportant rants about whichever movie they watched last, and general light-heartedness.
Sometimes Sam will hallucinate a very distinct burning smell, and it sets him on edge everytime. He doesn't know where it comes from, and (until the Pilot) can never place exactly what it is. More often he'll smell rotten eggs (sulfur) and he complains about Dean's stinky farts all the time when they're young and for a while Dean just thinks he's being a little shit. There are also occasions when he hallucinates the scent OR taste of blood. This becomes much more common after s4-s5 and all but disappears for a long time after the trials.
I don't think pre-series Sam has too many visual hallucinations (until after the cage, of course), but as he got older, and maybe even once or twice as a teen, when he gets really stressed he'll see shadows (a shadow, really). Usually just in the corner of his vision, but rarely, it'll be closer, almost towering. These hallucinations always fill Sam with immense dread, and set off his paranoia. I think when this happens, usually already in times of stress, he struggles with his double bookkeeping. In that vein, when Sam's a teenager hunts are extra exhausting for him, with so much of his energy spent on the internal conflict between his mission, the lore or research, and his beliefs, suspicions, tangential thinking, etc. Especially when there's pressure on him to succeed, either outward from John and Dean or internal (going back to his OCD actually, which provides intrusive thoughts about their safety or lack thereof if Sam doesn't do his job and do it right).
Autistic Sam I also very much agree with, but I don't think I have much to add that everyone else hasn't already said on the matter. May come back with more thoughts but I'll be honest I sometimes struggle thinking about autistic headcanons for characters, despite being autistic myself. Or maybe because. Either way something to examine in therapy and not here! Moving on, I can definitely see Dean with ADHD, but again, don't think I have much to say about that that hasn't already been said yk.
However, DID Dean? Oh yeah. Iphis @dean-interrupted has lit a fire that I can only stoke now. Honestly it covered the basics really well in their post, I couldn't have said any of it better if I tried. But I'll add my thoughts kinda piggy backing off that! First though, side note- Dean and dissociation always makes me think of that screen-cap of Dean and John holding baby Sam right after the fire and just how dissociated Dean looks. This one:
Before even reading Iphis's post I've had the thought of DID Dean with an introject based on his memories of Mary. I just think it makes sense. TW CSA I also think his Mary introject consoling him during or after John abusing him would be. mm. something I don't have words for right now. And as Iphis mentioned, his Mary introject otherwise only coming out at night. That (his Mary introject being there around times John abused him when he was little, the same introject that rarely comes out) mixed with him already dissociating during those moments, only buried those memories deeper. And to keep most of my thoughts on this topic here, I also think that he has a sexual part who was created for his and John's "relationship" from teen years on. This part comes out during a lot of sexual encounters, especially when he's being self destructive. End TW.
Though they likely wouldn't make many or any appearances until Dean is hunting alone or later on with Sam, I headcanon Dean with multiple Littles. One age 4, with memories until just before the fire. One age 7, connected to my CSA headcanon. And another age 9, from when he failed to protect Sam (You know the episode. "You were just a kid." "Don't.").
Everything Iphis said about perpetrator-identified parts and persecutor alters a thousand times yes. And I think for a good portion of his childhood and early adult years, his soldier/perpetrator identified alter would do his best to suppress Dean's vulnerable and caretaker parts. Usually the thing that would get "past" him (not correct terminology unfortunately it is 3am and my brain is soup) had to do with taking care of or protecting Sam in a way he was failing. This would often cause some internal conflict and disorientation, though. Oh and also Dean's time in Purgatory having a similar, but on a much lesser extent, impact on him that Hell did. Because for the first time in a long time, Dean is alone and he can't just be a soldier who follows orders. (This obviously changes when Benny comes into play but its still nowhere near the same.) He has to be in survival mode constantly; vigilant, ready to fight for his life at any moment, adrenaline near always running on high. But again, he's alone. He needs and wants to find Castiel yes, but he doesn't have anyone it's his job to protect, only his own life. This creates new parts different from any of the others, and parts that may not exactly "get along" with his existing ones. The prior existing parts are still there though, and they still hold onto Sam. This makes it more damaging when he comes back and finds Sam has "moved on" and frankly it's something he can't accept, something I think his gatekeeper would do their best to keep away from his vulnerable alters, leading to.. Well some of what we saw all throughout season 8.
Okay I've talked long enough so last thing, Dean with passive suicidal ideation that gets a lot less passive after John's deal and death. I would elaborate but I really need to get to sleep now so I hope most of this made sense and thank you for the ask!
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What do you think Sam and Dean's respective favorite hunts are? Like, what do they enjoy getting rid of the most? Because I'm realizing that as far as i know, there isn't a canon answer. I mean, maybe it's because I'm a sadist, but I feel like I'd have a favorite just based on what method of execution. I'd really enjoy burning things, or decapitation, or shooting, or whatever more than the rest. Or maybe they hate something more, or find something a fun challenge, or are geeks about a monster. What prey do you think Sam and Dean prefer?
-@schizosamwincester
Dean canonically enjoys decapitating vampires and hunting werewolves. I imagine he loves all decapitations. I feel like it is very satisfying for him. Especially if he can decapitate in a new and exciting way. Dean also would enjoy blowing things up (see: grenade launcher).
And I honestly don’t think Sam actually enjoys killing.
“I guess decapitations aren’t really my idea of a good time.”
Sam never liked hunting in general. He likes saving people, not necessarily killing monsters. I do suspect he gets some amount of enjoyment when he kills a monster that has been especially cruel to innocents, but that’s as close as he gets to enjoying killing imo.
It was brought to my attention by one why-choose that i have never actually asked about Wincestiel. And that's a shame. I like Wincestiel. Not all of you do, and that's fine—you can talk about why here or you can just ignore this week completely and delete this ask—but I do. And it deserves a week, at the very least. Because some of you have sooooo many good wincestiel thoughts, and you deserve the excuse to share them.
-@schizosamwincester
Happy WW @schizosamwincester 💜
My fav version of wincestiel is a tfw polycule with a Sam pivot, as someone else put it when I first brought up "sam-centered wincestiel" a while back. Meaning: wincest + sastiel that coexists at various levels of comfort, depending on the season setting and plot.
I don't often search out wincestiel fic, because I'm more particular about it and get frustrated quickly when there isn't always an easy way to filter out what I'm not into. It's not even that I don't want any dean/cas touching at all, but that I don't want it in a destiel-focused way, if you get my meaning. (Obviously this is very much a me thing; I'm still in my era of dealing with destiel changing from a passion to a squick for me, and this bleeds into both wincestiel and top/bottom preference.) Which is how my "Sastiel for the Bibro Connoisseur" reclist started, and why I end up writing my own sometimes lol.
In canon, later seasons really give me satisfying vibes for this arrangement, starting particularly from the sastiel scenes in First Born, where they're having these really intimate scenes while the topic of Dean is hanging over them the entire time. This dynamic continues through the whole MOC arc, even as Cas is stuck on various angel-related side plots. And then you have s13-15, where tfw is coparenting in a setup where Cas is the weekend dad, Sam is doing the most actual parenting (what little parenting is actually done, Sam is trying to emotionally connect), and Dean is the disciplinarian stepdad, who occasionally chastises his brotherhusband's boyfriend for not answering Sam's calls or checks in on how their date (hunt) went. It's all very domestic, tbh.
Here's a selection of my fav related posts:
💬 0 🔁 3 ❤️ 10
💬 1 🔁 9 ❤️ 17 · O_O YESSSSSS · A big yes to wincestiel, but especially when it's you @dyed-red !! 🥰
Another noise from Sam, almost a head
I have realized I'm a little silly. I've been sitting here for ages saying that we need more SPN fics with physical disability in them, like, Jesus is there a serious lack of that... and yet at no point have i asked you all to contribute. So, that's what I'm soliciting this week. Disability headcanons. Both stuff they could feasibly have in canon (hearing loss Dean my beloved), and the completely divergent AUs you may have in your head. Just not mental illness/neurodivergence because a) we have loads of that, let's spread the focus to other stuff, and b) i already asked about that not that long ago.
- @schizosamwincester
I have literally so many thoughts on disability, especially regarding Sam. Thank you sm for asking me this.
Sam definitely is canonically a sufferer of chronic pain. We start with seeing his chronic migraines in season 1. Even though his migraines are caused by his psychic abilities, it’s still chronic pain. And anyone who’s had a migraine knows how that shit feels.
Sam in later seasons has chronic pain during and after the trials. I believe he also develops chronic fatigue syndrome around this time.
“I just feel like my battery can’t recharge,” He says after literally falling asleep at the breakfast table. All my chronically ill besties have been there.
Sometimes I headcanon that Sam has Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. His joints are always aching and popping in and out of place. His wounds take longer to heal. He’s constantly aching.
Also I like the idea of Sam having kidney disease because I have kidney disease and I like to project all my issues onto him. Sam doesn’t find out about his chronic kidney disease till he’s already stage 3b. He’d been ignoring the dark urine and flank pain for a long time (he figured he was just dehydrated, he didn’t think it was a big deal) but when Dean noticed his legs swelling up, he insisted on taking him to the doctor. Unfortunately, it progresses fast and Sam’s on dialysis and Dean punches a wall when he finds out he’s not a match as a kidney donor. 😈
Oooh! What if Sam had cyclic vomiting syndrome? Just every few weeks or months, he has a horrible bout of nausea where he’s vomiting his guts out for days and Dean just thinks he’s hungover or it’s food poisoning and gaslights Sam about it!! Or maybe it started as a teen and his dad thought he made himself sick on purpose to avoid going on hunts or training so John would make him train through the sickness anyway and Sam’s just woozy, barely able to point his gun at the bottle before he hurls in the dirt and John mutters something about how he shouldn’t have made himself sick and it pisses Sam off because he has no idea why he can’t stop vomiting every few weeks with seemingly no trigger.
I read this one fic that changed my brain chemistry forever and I haven’t been able to find it since reading it as a teen so if you know which fic I’m talking about, please send it my way. I think it was on fanfiction.net. Anyways, teenage Sam gets kidnapped by organ harvesters and they take his corneas and one of his kidneys and when Dean finds him chained up in his cell, he learns that Sam is blind and they have to deal with that after his rescue and it’s pretty awesome. I love blind Sam fics so very much. 😍😍😍
I also love any fic where Sam lands himself in a wheelchair. Ambulatory or full time. I just love it.
Dean, on the other hand strikes me as more of an IBS guy. Guy has GERD and chronic hemorrhoids. He lives on Tums and Pepto Bismol. He’s had ulcers, hernias, and refuses to get a colonoscopy even though he needs one.
I’m also into Dean losing a limb. Although I love me some good Samputation as well. I once wrote a 127 hours type fic about Sam. It was great. I should edit it so I can post it sometime. I messed up the tense like halfway through so I refuse to post it until that’s fixed.
To finish off, allow me to leave you with a few fics off the top of my head:
Sam gets terminal lung diagnosis after being tortured for a while
Teenage Samputation
One of the most grueling sick Sam fics and an all time fave
Sam suffers severe brain damage after the crash at the end of season 1 and Dean takes care of him.
For some reason I can’t find the blind Sam fics or the ao3 disabled Sam fics I thought I’d saved but there are more out there. But not enough. I need mooooore disabled Winchesters (but mostly Sam).
As someone who is disabled and a chronic pain sufferer and suffers from a lot of the conditions I spoke about above, I love giving my pain to Sam. It helps me detach from my pain and see my favorite character being strong and facing it and having tough days and still continuing to fight. It’s really healing to me. 💕
Edit: I know you asked specifically about disability and I wandered into chronic pain and chronic conditions but honestly a lot of those chronic conditions are pretty disabling so I figured it counts, lol. It’s just such a rich area. I do love to see those boys suffer.
I've got another suggestion from why-choose: winpala. We all know that Dean Winchester has a... special relationship with his baby. And Sam isn't exactly unfamiliar with her, either—he's literally been her. So, this week, it's carfucker's week. Whether it's Deanpala, Sampala, or both of them double-teaming their baby, give me all your thoughts about our favorite third Winchester (sorry, not sorry, John, Adam, and Mary)
-@schizosamwincester
My thoughts on this manly revolve around a fic I want to write.
This fic is ghost Sampala (he’s possessing the car) and Sampala fucker Dean. It’s been in my head for ages and is heavily based on a YouTube video of an online series called Nightmare Time by Starkid. It’s called “Jane’s a car” and in it, single father Tom is raising his young son after his wife, Jane, died in a car accident. Like a year after the accident, Tom gets his car back (the one from the car wreck) all fixed up and he starts hearing his wife’s voice speak to him while he’s in the car.
At one point, Jane encourages Tom to make love to her (the car) and he’s like stroking the seats and fogging it up and he gets really into it cuz it’s his wife who he missed so much.
It’s really great and fun to watch. The car sex scene is somehow disturbing and hilarious at the same time. It was filmed during Covid so all the actors are on Zoom performing it and a narrator reads aloud the stage direction but there’s also some really good live background music and sometimes songs. It’s got high production value for what it is.
If you decide to watch it, know that there are 2 stories in that YouTube video so you’d only have to watch the first half. Also it takes place in the same universe as Starkid’s other musicals: The guy who didn’t like musicals, Black Friday (same main character: Tom), and Nerdy Prudes Must Die.
Anyway, yeah that’s the idea I have for this fic. Sam dies, possesses the Impala and Dean slowly becomes aware and fucks the car cuz he misses his brother so fucking much.
But also imagine Dean’s internal struggle when he knows he should put Sam to rest but he also doesn’t want him to go, and he’d have to burn his entire car to put him to rest too. Ooooh, that feels so evil and I love it.
Although it would also be fun to write this about Marypala and carfucker John too, obviously. You’d still have the single father angle in that version which would be super fun. Who knows? Maybe I’ll write both!
Also I may be controversial for saying this but I think I may like John and Mary more than the Impala. 😱 I love their characters despite their flaws. John was neglectful and Mary, actually I can’t think of any flaws except her bad taste in men post resurrection. But yeah in terms of story and character development, and presence in the narrative, I think I prefer John and Mary over the car. Sorry not sorry 😂
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Simple prompt this week. I'm trying to get some basic stuff i don't think I've ever touched on. Kissing. Making out. Frenching, even. Talk to me about how Sam and Dean kiss, or your little headcanons about it. (To be clear, it doesn't have to be making out. Pecks are also allowed)
-@schizosamwincester
Happy wincest wednesday @schizosamwincester 💜
Ooh, for kissing, firstly I like them both to love it in every way, whatever the occasion calls for. I don't think of them as the sort attached at the lips, but they like kissing when they do it. I imagine Sam as voracious and bitey (beastmode, a la that one scene in Unforgiven, or with Madison in Heart), but Dean also likes to be thorough and possessive and responsive.
I imagine teen!Sam as so overeager that their teeth clack together or get mashed behind their lips. Maybe a little blood. I like to imagine teen!Dean being indulgent, savoring every bit under the guise of teaching Sammy his skills. If there's a split lip, he teases at it with his thumb and lips and tongue.
Grown Dean still does forehead kisses and temple kisses and crown kisses when Sam's sitting down, and big brother raspberry blows on Sam's cheek or belly when the temptation presents itself. Sam still does secretive kisses that remind Dean of when they were young and Sam was badly hiding his feelings while finding ways to graze his lips on Dean's collarbone or wrist or cheek. Dean leaves hickies under the guise of being a dick and Sam retaliates, not-so-secretly pleased to have the excuse. Dean leaves hickies where they can be seen, and Sam likes to find the tender spots that will make Dean hiss and keen and writhe the most.
Whenever they almost die, they press foreheads together and breathe into each other's mouths, top lips barely touching but hot and damp and alive, until one of them finally closes the distance and their hammering hearts finally settle back into their chests as they pull each other closer.
And as they get older and settle into real domesticity in the bunker, there are more kisses — casual, familiar, and free. Good morning and goodnight and what's for dinner and ooh the way you clean that gun and caught me staring and yes this is exactly the tome of magics I needed, thank you!
And, of course, there are the kisses like prayers over scars long healed or erased altogether. Kisses that say they'll never forget.
It's my birthday today, so let's shake things up. Instead of me asking you something, respond to this with a question that you want me to answer! And I will get to talk everyone's ears off all day. No limits or anything; just go for it.
- @schizosamwincester
OH OH OH I want all your thoughts on fem!Dean (including transfem if you have thoughts on that) and stanford years John/Dean, as hunting partners, more, less, gimme it all. Finally give me your top 5-10 Sam headcanons that you don’t talk about as much.
I wish you a very happy birthday, I hope you get plenty of lovely questions and warm wishes and I can’t wait for your response🎉🩷 also I think I mighta mentioned it before but we’re birthday neighbors! :) Mine’s tomorrow
Today, I ask just one thing of you: recommend a fanfic. My only rules are no self promotion, and don't recommend one of my fics to be a kiss-ass. Otherwise, let's share some good work!
(Full disclosure that I might not like what you recommend, since I'm aro and it isn't quite clear or logical what makes a fic too romantic for me. But hopefully at the very least when i reblog it, someone else will see it and like it)
- @schizosamwincester
Happy WW @schizosamwincester 💜
Alas, it is so hard to just rec one fic lol. I can never decide: do I try to suggest something that blows my mind, something I don't already have on a rec list, or one of my go-tos?
My brain hasn't been letting me read much new fic lately, so I don't really have more recent fics to choose from, but there's still so many options. I'll try to stick to just a handful, and further honor the no self-recs rule by not reccing anything I've podficced:
please eat by mwildsides (@mwildsides) - Zombie!Sam, Caretaker!Dean, and pretty much all the tags one might imagine for this subject; one of many brain-blasting fics I found in my cannibalism/necro era (tumblr post with visual)
Necrotic by ADeedWithoutaName (@a-deed-without-a-name) - Dean is dead. This is news to Sam. (CotardsDelusion!Dean, body horror and necro-adjacent); another fav from the necro era
geography of blood by saintrevolver (@saintmarywinchester)- A body is no soft thing—not until you let it be. (s10 demon cure gone wrong. Demon!Dean/Sam rapefic with Sam's internal bargaining and immaculate vibes. Tagged dead-dove with many descriptive tags.)
hungry and hollow by hathfrozen (@hathfrozen)- S4. Shortly after the mess with the siren, Sam and Dean decide rough sex, a gun kink, and emotional warfare are suitable replacements for communication. (gun kink and character study)
Yesterday Don't Matter if It's Gone by alwaysthrowsscissors (@alwaysthrowsscissors)- One Tuesday, Sam tries something different in an attempt to keep Dean breathing until Wednesday. Things change between them, but how long will it last? (Mystery Spot fic, unhappy ending)
scent kink by hathfrozen - filthy horny tumblr fic by hath 👁👄👁
And one for when I need a pick-me-up:
Apocalypse Maybe by aggybird | podfic by juice817 - Dean's acting weird, and Sam's not sure they stopped the Apocalypse. And then they go to Disney World. (early fandom era fic originally posted on lj; there's just something about this fic...the vibes are like hazy summer road trips...it's comfort food to me.)
