#autistic sam

Sam I see more with religious and cleanliness OCD. His ruminating and intrusive thoughts were/are tortuous. For the religious side of it, his intrusive thoughts tell him if he doesn't pray every night, or doesn't say the right words, or doesn't pray long enough, or does something wrong, his family will pay for it. Could be any of the countless graphic, horrible fates his mind conjures. And when his family, especially Dean, does come back from a hunt injured? That has to be Sam's fault too. He messed up, he didn't do xyz enough, and now Dean has a fractured wrist. And those are just his intrusive thoughts and compulsions, his constant ruminating often feels so much worse. Endless thoughts of being evil, tainted, a monster, etc. He's gotta be careful or he's gonna infect Dean. Oh Dean did something that Sam really wanted? He slipped up, he infected Dean; He must have, Dean wouldn't do this otherwise. Dean and John get in a fight or John hurts Dean (even moreso if it's on Sam's behalf) and Sam spends the rest of the night playing out what happened over and over, how he fucked up and caused it, how he could've prevented it, what he should've done. On and on and on. Again, you get the idea.

The cleanliness compulsions and thoughts follow mostly the same theme. Mainly, it centers around the idea that Sam isn't clean enough for [insert reason] (Dean to touch him, to share a pencil, his teacher to fondly pat his head, to hand out homework for his class) lest he risk exposing someone else to what he is, how filthy he is. Occasionally, he'll recognize that his greatest fear when Dean touches him, or looks too hard, or knows too much, is that he'll find out and nothing will ever be the same. Sam can't place what that thing is that Dean would find out until quite a few years later, and well, when he does it only makes it all worse.

I, too, adhere to schizophrenic Sam, though much like Iphis I don't post about it because I am not nearly as educated on schizophrenia as I am on other disorders. I did some quick research when writing this to make sure I wasn't confusing terms, but please do correct me if I get any language/terminology or traits wrong. Anyway here go my headcanons:

I think Sam has disorganized and catatonic behaviors such as repetitive movements, disjointed speech, and staying very still. Once he's older (i.e. later seasons) I think these behaviors are mainly prominent when he's under stress or triggered (can't even begin to list the possible events that would cause that, there are so. many). Sam with affective flattening is very real to me, and definitely started young. Also alogia, though not as prevalent. Dean becomes accustomed to it pretty easily and fills in the extra space with stupid jokes, unimportant rants about whichever movie they watched last, and general light-heartedness.

Sometimes Sam will hallucinate a very distinct burning smell, and it sets him on edge everytime. He doesn't know where it comes from, and (until the Pilot) can never place exactly what it is. More often he'll smell rotten eggs (sulfur) and he complains about Dean's stinky farts all the time when they're young and for a while Dean just thinks he's being a little shit. There are also occasions when he hallucinates the scent OR taste of blood. This becomes much more common after s4-s5 and all but disappears for a long time after the trials.

I don't think pre-series Sam has too many visual hallucinations (until after the cage, of course), but as he got older, and maybe even once or twice as a teen, when he gets really stressed he'll see shadows (a shadow, really). Usually just in the corner of his vision, but rarely, it'll be closer, almost towering. These hallucinations always fill Sam with immense dread, and set off his paranoia. I think when this happens, usually already in times of stress, he struggles with his double bookkeeping. In that vein, when Sam's a teenager hunts are extra exhausting for him, with so much of his energy spent on the internal conflict between his mission, the lore or research, and his beliefs, suspicions, tangential thinking, etc. Especially when there's pressure on him to succeed, either outward from John and Dean or internal (going back to his OCD actually, which provides intrusive thoughts about their safety or lack thereof if Sam doesn't do his job and do it right).

Autistic Sam I also very much agree with, but I don't think I have much to add that everyone else hasn't already said on the matter. May come back with more thoughts but I'll be honest I sometimes struggle thinking about autistic headcanons for characters, despite being autistic myself. Or maybe because. Either way something to examine in therapy and not here! Moving on, I can definitely see Dean with ADHD, but again, don't think I have much to say about that that hasn't already been said yk.

However, DID Dean? Oh yeah. Iphis @dean-interrupted has lit a fire that I can only stoke now. Honestly it covered the basics really well in their post, I couldn't have said any of it better if I tried. But I'll add my thoughts kinda piggy backing off that! First though, side note- Dean and dissociation always makes me think of that screen-cap of Dean and John holding baby Sam right after the fire and just how dissociated Dean looks. This one:

Before even reading Iphis's post I've had the thought of DID Dean with an introject based on his memories of Mary. I just think it makes sense. TW CSA I also think his Mary introject consoling him during or after John abusing him would be. mm. something I don't have words for right now. And as Iphis mentioned, his Mary introject otherwise only coming out at night. That (his Mary introject being there around times John abused him when he was little, the same introject that rarely comes out) mixed with him already dissociating during those moments, only buried those memories deeper. And to keep most of my thoughts on this topic here, I also think that he has a sexual part who was created for his and John's "relationship" from teen years on. This part comes out during a lot of sexual encounters, especially when he's being self destructive. End TW.

Though they likely wouldn't make many or any appearances until Dean is hunting alone or later on with Sam, I headcanon Dean with multiple Littles. One age 4, with memories until just before the fire. One age 7, connected to my CSA headcanon. And another age 9, from when he failed to protect Sam (You know the episode. "You were just a kid." "Don't.").

Everything Iphis said about perpetrator-identified parts and persecutor alters a thousand times yes. And I think for a good portion of his childhood and early adult years, his soldier/perpetrator identified alter would do his best to suppress Dean's vulnerable and caretaker parts. Usually the thing that would get "past" him (not correct terminology unfortunately it is 3am and my brain is soup) had to do with taking care of or protecting Sam in a way he was failing. This would often cause some internal conflict and disorientation, though. Oh and also Dean's time in Purgatory having a similar, but on a much lesser extent, impact on him that Hell did. Because for the first time in a long time, Dean is alone and he can't just be a soldier who follows orders. (This obviously changes when Benny comes into play but its still nowhere near the same.) He has to be in survival mode constantly; vigilant, ready to fight for his life at any moment, adrenaline near always running on high. But again, he's alone. He needs and wants to find Castiel yes, but he doesn't have anyone it's his job to protect, only his own life. This creates new parts different from any of the others, and parts that may not exactly "get along" with his existing ones. The prior existing parts are still there though, and they still hold onto Sam. This makes it more damaging when he comes back and finds Sam has "moved on" and frankly it's something he can't accept, something I think his gatekeeper would do their best to keep away from his vulnerable alters, leading to.. Well some of what we saw all throughout season 8.