fic: for all that it's worth
read on ao3 here
supercorp post reveal, loosely canon compliant but mostly at my whim
just had to clear out lazy susan. thx and enjoy xo
--
When the dust settles, Kara is left with the haunting image of Lena walking away from her.
When Kara arrives home, she collapses in her sister’s arms. Practically inconsolable, Sobbing and blubbering into Alex’s shoulder as she recounts how she’d attempted to explain herself while Lena looked on, face passive save for the shine of tears in green eyes.
How Kara thought that by defeating Lex, perhaps she could better explain herself only for Lena to inform her that no, she was the one to kill her own brother.
When Kara goes to bed, more from exhaustion than any real desire to sleep, it’s with dried tear tracks down her cheeks. Under the covers, she is alone with the weight of her actions, her choices, and every moment that led up to this point.
—
Lena’s departure from her life is a cold one.
While Kara’s professional life rockets up, her personal one plummets down.
She now must navigate National City as one of two distant satellites. She thinks it’s a matter of time until they collide, perhaps, but Lena has always been better at restraint than she.
Days transform and lengthen. After four months of radio silence, Kara realizes that this is for keeps, that any fleeting thought for possible reconciliation is well and truly gone.
With her new reality bearing down on her, she throws herself to both her work at CatCo and as Supergirl until she solar flares, the first in years that it has happened.
J’onn benches her for two full weeks despite her powers returning only after three days. Her first reaction is to fight, but she holds her tongue, tightens her fists knowing that any sudden moves and she worsens it for herself. Instead, she busies herself with researching her work, but that exhausts her interests. So she settles for writing down her thoughts and feelings in a notebook, an accidental diary of sorts. She scribbles down fantasies of what she’d wanted to say to Lena had she been given the chance, how she would have set the scene for reconciliation.
The diary grows to become a series of scenes that plague her mind, hoping that by writing them out, she could rid herself of them. She writes through the notebook, filling up a hundred pages within a few days time.
She doesn’t feel better, but she doesn’t feel worse.
That’ll do for now.
She returns to Supergirl work with a small pocket notebook in a secret compartment, the lull in her patrol now filled with her scribbling away. It helps, this new focus, so she clings onto it, keeps it close to her chest.
She writes everything down. The good, the bad, and the heartbreaking.
Time goes on.
—
When Alex becomes the Sentinel and expresses her desire to step up as a vigilante, Supergirl responds with a thought of retiring the cape.
“What?”
She takes a deep breath, doesn’t quite look her sister in the eye. “I think…I want to stop. Focus on working as a reporter instead.”
Alex studies her, narrowing her eyes as if she’s the one with an x-ray vision. “What’s this really about, Kara?”
To her sister, this is coming out of left field. Yet to her, and the stack of notebooks she’s gone through over the past year that sit at the far end of her bedroom, she thinks it’s been a long time coming.
“It’s—I don’t know. I feel like I’m spreading myself too thin with everything that’s going on.”
Alex frowns, sits beside her sister on the couch. “I was hoping we would fight together.”
Kara wonders what her sister thinks they’ve been doing beside each other for years if not fight together, if not save one another, if not protect everything they love and care about. Why does it take the cape to do that?
She offers Alex an apologetic smile, instead. “I’m sorry. But I think it’s time.”
“Are you sure?”
She nods. “I’m sure. Besides, National City will be in good hands with you around.”
—
Her cape sits in a memory box along with a copy of CatCo magazine detailing her retirement, Nia’s name on the byline.
She leaves that box in the Fortress of Solitude.
—
Kara keeps a notebook on her at all times, a personal one where she jots down her ideas and thoughts, snippets about her observations of people around her: at the bus stop or the cafe or the park or even in line at the DMV. Her thoughts fall on her memories of Krypton, of friends and family and strangers whose lives have all been cut short.
Observations, confessions, and musings give way to fictional scenes, dialogue, plot.
By the end of the second year after Lena’s departure from her life, Kara has amassed notebooks with pages filled of so, so many stories. When Nia accidentally reads a page from a notebook that Kara left out in the open on her desk, she suggests that Kara may want to consider her hand at publishing. It’s not as if she doesn’t have existing connections or anything.
“I don’t know," she says with a shrug, a glance at the personal pages of her heart's voice filling every line. "This is just me getting my thoughts out.”
Nia places a hand on her shoulder. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, but it’s pretty good. What’s the harm?”
—
Kara gets lucky.
Only after a few months of shopping her draft around, she gets signed to release her first book. A story about a young girl who flees from her home country to a new land, to be taken in by a small family. A little girl who grows up navigating a foreign land while fighting through her sadness for her lost home.
At work, she becomes a senior reporter. Outside of it, her book gets published.
She dedicates the book to her younger self, the one who carried the weight of a whole world on her shoulders, of a girl who had once tried and failed to protect her remaining family, who lost just as much as she persevered.
—
She watches from the sidelines as her sister and friends continue to fight crime around the city. Sometimes she misses going out there, but for all the excitement that provided, the weight of all that she’s done still sits heavily on her shoulders. Her heroics, at first, but also how she’d hurt people, how she’d hurt one very specific person to the point of leaving Kara's life forever.
If Kara wanted to, she could fly somewhere nearby and see her. She’s been tempted over the last couple of years, but she knows better.
Knows better now, at least.
—
She takes some time off from CatCo to travel around the country for a small book tour upon the release of her first book.
Truth be told, leaving National City is like a breath of fresh air.
When a woman hits on her after a book signing event, she surprises herself by saying yes. She excuses herself to the bathroom to frantically call her sister and ask her what she should do.
Alex, with laughter in her voice, simply tells her, “Be honest with her about your experience if you think that’ll help and just see what she says. Otherwise, just do what feels good. When you come back, we can talk about it.”
So she goes on the date. They grab dinner, then dessert. She invites the woman for a nightcap up in her hotel room, a bottle of wine purchased at the bar downstairs. Their nightcap of talking evolves from chaste kisses to not so chaste kisses to not so chaste roaming hands. When their lips lock onto each other, a fleeting and treacherous thought that she wishes it was someone in particular flashes in her mind.
“What’s wrong?” the woman asks.
She shakes her head. “Nothing, sorry. Just got a little nervous.”
“We don’t have to if you’re not ready.”
“Not for…that,” she admits. “But we can still make out maybe?”
The woman laughs and kisses her, tugging her down. She lets her, dropping down to her elbows and connecting their lips.
—
Life goes on.
How she manages to stay away from Lena after four years in the same city is quite a feat, she thinks. Kara sees the other woman everywhere, but never in close enough distance for it to matter.
Once, she saw Lena walking into a fancy restaurant with a couple of other suited business people. She had a smile on her face, her hands gesticulating to the suits about something. Kara could have listened in if she wanted to, but she’d breached one too many boundaries with Lena and she wasn’t about to add another one. She simply walked past the window, imagining the feel of someone watching her, but never being sure.
—
Six years now.
A second book just published.
An offer to be Editor-in-Chief that she turns down.
Her life has settled into something else. A far departure from who she had been six years ago that fateful day she’d revealed herself all too late.
So it’s a shock that leaves her a little breathless when she walks into the conference hall of a women’s leadership summit in Metropolis and finds Lena Luthor looking right at her.
—
They see each other again and they’re cordial, sitting beside each other at the round table by alphabetical first name.
“You look well, Lena.”
“You, too.”
She stares at the woman whose face has haunted her for years. The face of the woman who she’d hurt, day in and day out without an end in sight. Who she’d loved, day in and day out for just as long. She can’t lie and say it doesn’t quite affect her, but she’s happy to note that the time and distance between them has helped the guilt inside of herself.
She is a fighter, after all; a survivor. And so she feels good, all things considered.
They explain the work that they do and it’s so good to hear from Lena. The passion in her projects just as strong now as they were before.
When they finish, she offers Lena the brightest smile she can muster.
“Enjoy the rest of the summit.”
She walks away and she thinks that’s that.
—
That night, she stays inside her room, splurges on room service, and watches the hotel’s television, scrolling through their cable channels and settling on a marathon of old Chopped episodes.
This way, she can guarantee that she won’t run into Lena at all.
—
The next day, she finds a spot towards the back of the auditorium listening to a few engineers talk about some breakthrough in technology surrounding stronger materials and urban planning to account for the stress that their buildings and structures endure whenever there’s a superhero fight. She remembers those, cringes while she adjusts her glasses.
She doesn’t realize someone's beside her until she glances to her side and finds her once upon a time person, Lena Luthor, offering her a polite smile.
Her heart beats quickly, but she focuses on paying attention to the women speaking on stage. She jots down some notes, some ideas for work, some for her fiction writing, and then she’s doodling on the other side.
The presentation concludes and she applauds the women before straightening herself up. She can be mature about this. It's been years, the better part of a decade.
“How’d you enjoy that?”
“They were quite remarkable. L-Corp might very well attempt to invest in their work.”
“I’m sure they would love to be able to work with you and your company. The number of grants L-Corp supported around spatialized justice work is impressive on its own, but with the potential connection with their prototype, it would just make sense.”
“You kept tabs?” A familiar brow raise, a familiar surprise that once validated Kara's effort for care when she was able to express it. It brings her back and this time, it doesn't even ache, not badly anyway.
“From time to time,” she shrugs, her hands in her jacket pockets. Where once she may have wanted to fill the silence with words and explanations and sound, she only now revels in the silence here. Because at least she won't make a fool of herself, of saying the wrong thing, of giving information that Lena most likely does not care to know any longer.
"I heard you turned down the Editor-in-Chief position?" Lena asks, suddenly, or maybe not so suddenly. It had been news when it was released that William Dey was taking over after she had declined, deciding to focus on her work inside and outside of the bullpen rather than manage everything. Still, the thought of Lena keeping tabs on her is surprise that she doesn't hide, can't hide from her face.
"You kept tabs?"
"From time to time," Lena responds, cheeky as Kara had remembered her.
Her phone buzzes in her hand, disrupting their small bubble. With an apologetic smile, she glances down and finds a message from her editor.
"I've got to get going, but enjoy the rest of the conference, Lena. It's, uh—it's good to see you. Really."
She means it, though her heart races as she says it, the truth coming out easy.
"You too, Kara."
She doesn't wait for more, feels like she's overstayed her welcome, instead clicks the call button on her phone and presses it up to her ear before rushing out, weaving past the crowd.
—
The summit finishes with the closing keynote and Kara is eager to leave. Despite her best intentions to leave quietly, she gets stopped for photos at the hotel lobby by someone holding onto her new book. She signs it.
After the fan wishes her well on her return to National City, she catches a glimpse of Lena standing across the lobby, an assistant she doesn't recognize beside her while she chats with someone on the phone.
Their eyes meet yet Lena doesn't stop her conversation on the phone. Feeling awkward, the distance of a lobby between them, Kara raises a hand in a subtle wave, a twitch of a smile on her face. It spreads when Lena waves back.
Kara ducks out of the way using a bit of her superspeed when Lena's attention is pulled by her assistant.
She doesn't notice Lena's eyes scanning the rest of the lobby in casual search of her.
—
Life goes on.
Each second ticks by one after the other, unrelenting, unapologetic.
She is happy enough. She is content enough. Her life, all things considered, is enough. And that'll have to do.
—
They want to do an author profile on her, and despite wanting to turn them down, she's forced to do it by her publicist. So after having to answer questions and smile for the cameras and discuss topics of her upcoming book, she treks to Noonan's for a treat.
Lena is there.
Six years she’s gotten away with not seeing Lena in her regular spots, a strange co-existence of their shared space where they maintain distance and absence. Except for today, apparently.
Lena is with someone, it turns out. A woman with dark brown hair whose face Kara can’t quite see.
As if walking into the same space is not enough, their eyes meet in a comical fashion—Kara standing waiting for her drinks, her eyes trailing after the woman who excuses herself to the bathroom, and then catching Lena who seems ot have been doing the same.
This time, she does not raise her hand and wave first. This time, it's Lena who does it.
She responds in kind. Then her name is called and she grabs her bag of cinnamon buns and pain au chocolats with one hand and her large latte in the other. She does not dare look back towards Lena or the woman, if she's returned back to their table.
—
It happens again, this time on the way out of the main park entrance. She's just bought two popsicles from a local vendor when she glances up, mid-bite of her first popsicle, to catch Lena making her way into the park in jeans and a blouse. She has a cap and sunglasses on, but Kara can spot Lena anywhere.
She thankfully hasn't been spotted, so she returns her earbuds in her ears and places her sunglasses on. She strides forward, double fisting her popsicles as she listens to Britney Spears' anniversary re-release of Oops!…I Did It Again album.
Walking past one another, she pretends not to see Lena because if Lena is going so far as to put on whatever casual attire she has so as not to stand out, then there is no reason for Kara to blow it.
What Kara misses as she walks away is Lena stopping mid-step and turning to see if what she'd seen herself is who she thought.
—
Kara eventually sits with her sister and passes along the fact that after the Summit, she feels like Lena has suddenly appeared everywhere.
"How do you feel about it?" Alex asks her from across the couch, legs propped up on the coffee table.
Shrugging, she's unsure how to voice aloud her thoughts, even more uncertain if she can identify exactly what she's feeling let alone verbalize them.
Certainly the pain and the guilt have ebbed away, have smoothed over the years. Her broken heart has been mended back into a shape that can love again, that can love herself again because she's forgiven herself as best she can. Still, it remembers its original condition, imperfect as it had been even then, and can't help yearning for what it had been once upon a time.
"I don't know, honestly."
"Then let that be enough, Kara. You share this city, it's okay to run into her or see her or even interact with her. You're not who you were back then. So just exist as you are and if something happens, then it'll happen."
She remains unconvinced, but she does not say so to her sister, instead choosing to nod and accept Alex's wisdom.
—
“I’m sorry for what happened to your brother.”
Kara doesn’t say his name, doesn’t say who he was to her. Instead, Kara calls him by who he had been to Lena, because that’s all she can do.
"I'm sorry for lying to you."
"I'm sorry for hurting you."
The words are vague, but they are true as she say all of them out loud, in therapy. A roleplay of sorts in which she is emboldened to say the words in the only place she can, to be heard by the person who needs it least.
She envisions Lena reacting to her in her most gracious: a stoic face and a silent nod of acknowledge. Something to leave in the past along with everything else.
After she finishes, her therapist congratulates her for a job well done and she goes home in a daze. Not for the last time, she wonders where this insight had been about her former best friend that she couldn’t see until now. There’s a running tally in the back of her mind of all the things she wished she could shake her younger self about, to minimize all the hurt she’d caused others, all the hurt she’d caused to herself.
But that’s not how growing pains worked nor trials by fire. She had to commit a grievous mistake to know what grievous mistakes were, and just how much they cost.
—
She’s just coming out of her office when she runs into one of the junior reporters, Stephan, and a beautiful woman with beautiful bright blue-green eyes. The color and shades are different, but the speckles of gold are somehow similar, striking and constellatory.
It is a truth Kara has long since accepted that there will always be something to tether her to Lena, their past coloring her future forevermore.
“Hello,” the woman says, bringing her back to her present.
“Hi.”
“Kara, this is Imra Adreen. We’re doing a Profile on her.”
She extends her hand out to the woman and flashes her a bright smile. “Welcome to CatCo. I hope Stephan here has been a good host to you?”
“He’s been lovely, and so has everyone I’ve met so far. Which now includes you.”
Kara’s eyes broaden at that, her shock slow to hide. “Well, that–that’s great to hear.”
“We’re headed to the studio for some portrait work,” Stephan offers, his gaze volleying back and forth between her and Imra.
“You’re welcome to watch, if you’d like.”
Kara meets Stephan’s shell-shocked face. She almost wants to laugh at his face.
“I’ve got some more research to attend to, unfortunately,” she explains, pretending to make a mountain out of a molehill that is her inbox of emails. “But it was lovely to meet you, Ms. Adreen."
"Imra, please."
"Imra."
"That is unfortunate, but maybe I can come by some other time."
"I'm sure that would be fine."
Stephan clears his throat and their hands finally separate when Imra walks out of her personal space and follows after him.
She realizes only when her hand is empty that they had been holding hands up to that point. It can mean nothing, it might already mean nothing. But it can mean something, too. She's allowed that. She deserves that, too.
—
Blowing a small raspberry after a long and particular interview, Kara is glad to leave this gaudy bar and head home. It’s only when she’s just about to take her wallet out that she hears her name.
"Kara?"
Her bar stool swivels in place when her head twists in the direction of the voice. “Oh! Hi.”
"May I?" Lena asks, gesturing at the empty stool beside her. It takes Kara a moment to register that Lena is staying, that Lena is asking to occupy the space to Kara's left.
"Be my guest."
She remains quiet while the bartender takes Lena's order. She has the chance to leave, to call it a night and leave Lena where she sits, but she does not want that. She can't say she necessarily want what's happening now, to sit on this stool with a woman who hasn't dared to want her in her life for years, but perhaps Lena has been healing herself, too.
After all, she has not initiated, has only received what Lena is presenting her. Alex's words echo in her mind: so just exist as you are and if something happens, something happens.
So perhaps this is that something happening now.
Having received her tumbler of scotch, Lena angles her head towards her. "So what brings you here?”
“I was interviewing someone.”
“How did it go?”
“Good.” She lifts up her trusted notebook and pen full of scribbled notes and transcriptions. “What about you?”
Lena’s face softens for a flash before returning to its pleasant and polite expression, but Kara can’t be too sure. “I’m meeting someone for dinner. But she’s running a little late.”
“Would…you like company while you wait?"
“I hope I’m not keeping you.”
She shakes her head. “Like I said, I just finished up an interview. He wanted to eat and drink here while we chatted, so why not go for it if the meal is free, you know?”
“Right. Food is a motivating incentive." She flashes Kara an easy, teasing smile that Kara has not received in years that it takes her by surprise. If Lena notices, she makes no mention of it.
Silence engulfs them in a way that does not sting, that does not suffocate, and Kara is glad for it. Each of them sip their respective drinks and if Kara wanted to dangerously tread her past regrets, she could think about what had cost her to lose this. She is stronger than that, wiser too, so she shoves that thought away.
"So how are things with you?" Lena asks, once again taking the lead for how much or how little she cares to know about Kara.
Kara shrugs, smiles. “Not much, just busy working. If not for work then for the third book.”
“The third book?” Lena asks with a lift of her brow.
She dips her head, her chin touching her chest. “It’s research for now, but I've been jotting down scenes here and there. Still trying to capture the voice of my main protagonist.”
“Not a trilogy, I’m guessing?”
That catches her off by surprise, not realizing that Lena had ever come across her books, let alone considered that she’d read them. She’d hoped, in the past, but those were old eager dreams. Thankfully, her face doesn’t betray her internal thoughts. “No. This is a new one. About an adopted alien girl figuring out how to live in her new world.”
Lena smiles knowingly and Kara is stunned that she does not register pain from Lena's features. “I’ve no doubt it’ll be wonderful.”
Just as she’s about to speak, a woman approaches them, Lena’s eyes shining bright when she sees the woman.
Kara then recognizes said woman: Andrea Rojas, CEO of Obsidian North, a tech company that recently stationed themselves in National City. Exactly someone to run in the same circles as Lena, to match her point for point, on even and equal ground.
Andrea leans forward and kisses Lena on the lips. Kara can’t deny how her eyes widen in surprise, accompanied by a kind of twisting and sinking feeling in her stomach. She grips her glass just a little, but reminds herself that she runs the risk of breaking it so she releases it and instead draws her hands together.
“Ay, querida, I’m sorry I’m late. You know how it goes.”
Lena brings a hand to wipe the residue of her lipstick from the corner of Andrea's mouth—an intimate gesture in public. Times really have changed, Kara thinks.
“It’s fine. I was just here with m—Kara.”
“Hi.” She offers her hand. Andrea stares at her for a second too long, her gaze studying her intently, and it doesn’t take all too long for her to recognize when she’s been made.
“Andrea.”
She offers her best smile. “Nice to meet you.”
“How do you two know each other?” Kara almost wants to laugh because she’s pretty certain that Andrea knows who she is. Can only imagine what Lena has said about her.
“We met through work. I’m a reporter at CatCo.”
It’s insufficient, but at least it’s the truth.
“That’s right. I remember now. You’re the reporter-turned-author."
“I’ll have to add that to my business card.” She shrugs when Lena arches a brow her way.
“Lena loves your books. Has them sitting permanently on the nightstand with a couple of others.”
Now that is a pleasant surprise, the warmth of it coursing through her body. Her attention turns to Lena who remains quiet, her cheeks a rosy hue, and that gladdens Kara further.
“I’m flattered. Really.”
“Why don’t you join us,” Andrea says, tilting her head, even as she places an arm around Lena’s shoulder. Lena, Kara notes, has remained quiet throughout this entire interaction. But she can’t blame her, not really. If she were in Lena’s shoes, she’d keep quiet too.
It is a lovely offer, but she shakes her head knowing that it's simply to be polite.
"Thank you, but I have some work notes I need to get working on so I don't lose track and have to cancel on my date tomorrow night. She'd hate for me to cancel, I think."
Lena's brows rise a smidgen before schooling her face and staying silent.
This date is a lie, of course, but Rao can forgive her this time around. She may have grown over the years, but she is still herself. She is still a shade more impulsive than she ought to be and a sliver more reckless than she has any business being.
She places a twenty dollar bill under her now empty glass of margarita before extending her hand to Andrea. "It was nice to meet you."
Then, she turns her attention to Lena, a woman who once enveloped so much of Kara's world, now a quasi-stranger at a bar. "It's good to see you, Lena. Thank you for stopping by for a chat."
"Maybe we'll run into each other again sometime," Lena says, her words ending in a slight upturned tone, questioning.
"Sure, that'd be nice."
She takes a deep breath and walks out, passing by the maitre d’s podium.
When she chances a glance behind her, she's met with the sight of Lena pressed into Andrea’s side, a lingering kiss on Andrea’s cheek.
Kara looks away and rushes home.
—
The rest of the weekend, Kara holes herself up on the rooftop of her apartment building with the hopes of oscillating work between research for her third book and finalizing her interview. Instead, she write about her encounter with Lena, about meeting Andrea, about Lena having read her books, having loved them.
It is not yet anything, but it is not nothing.
Kara dares not to hope, because being let down about this would prove ruinous.
Yet she fails because hope is as much a part of her as the scar above her eye. Hope is her inheritance from a world no longer, from a life wrought by pain and suffering.
Then, because she doesn't want to be any more of a liar, she looks up Imra on social media and sends her a personal message. The reply takes no more than a few minutes.
She breathes a sigh of relief then types an invitation for drinks.
—
Two months pass by since that encounter at the bar.
Two months pass by where somehow, though perhaps not by sheer coincidence, Kara is stepping foot into L-Corp for the first time in six, almost seven years—a reality that she never thought would ever happen again.
She had been asked a favor to cover the tech beat for her colleague, Margo. She hasn't touched that column in so long, she wonders if she's even qualified to do it anymore. However, when Margo says that it's a follow-up at L-Corp about the fifth anniversary of the nanobots' introduction to the general public, it had given Kara pause. Ultimately, she'd accepted with a promised thanks in the way of Margo's famous leche flan. A motivating incentive, after all.
Walking into L-Corp is like walking into hallowed halls. She accepts the badge offered to her by a security guard she does not recognize. She rides the elevator to a floor she has never been to before.
She is greeted by an assistant she has never met before.
"Ms. Luthor is ready for you."
Standing, she smooths her button down shirt and tie, a last minute addition Stephan suggested to her when they had been hanging out in the photoshoot dressing rooms. She extends a polite smile to the young assistant before following after.
"Ms. Luthor, Ms. Danvers is here for your interview."
Lena is sitting at her desk, looking up past some paperwork in front of her. She is as beautiful as ever, Kara thinks. Though there are now slight grays by her temples.
Years really did pass between them. Years of change, of growth. Of distance, absence. Apart.
Somehow, they find themselves in the same place it all began.
"Thank you for taking the time," she says, stepping forward, her left hand on the end of her tie, fiddling; her right hand extended for a shake.
Lena glimpses down to her offered hand before meeting her eyes. Then taking Kara's hand and shaking it twice before releasing each other's hold.
The interview goes as expected: professional, efficient.
"Those are all the questions I have for you," she says, though that's not the truth, either. But some lies truly are better kept than truths, she understands this now. "If there are any further questions we have, Margo will touch base with you."
"Kara, can I ask you something?"
She stops packing her writing pad into her messenger bag and nods. "Depends."
"Would you like to grab lunch?"
—
They're down the street at a healthy fast casual spot, tucked away in the corner. Small talk fill the space between them, questions about Kara's book, Lena's research. Her guard is down, her hope is up, and Kara lets Lena lead the pace and the direction of this encounter.
Just as they have thrown away their trash, they stand in the middle of the sidewalk. That's when Kara chances it and asks, "Do you have time for a walk? To digest and all."
Lena tilts her head, then she nods. "Sure, let me just text my assistant."
They follow the downtown trail, walking on the pedestrian side just as cyclists pass them on the other side. Lena is looking out onto the small stream that leads out from underneath the foot bridge they're standing on when Kara's words reverberate between them.
"I'm sorry about your brother."
Lena's eyes cut to her, though her face remains unreadable. Since Lena hasn't said anything, Kara proceeds forward.
"Regardless of who he was 'til the end and what you had to pay to get rid of him, he had been your brother and I know you loved him."
"Kara…"
"Please just let me say this."
With a barely perceptible nod from Lena, Kara continues. "I'm sorry for all of it. Lying and playing sides, for putting you in harms way. You didn't deserve that, from me most all. I've broken things I can't repair and I know that, and I don't expect anything more than this moment. I should have said what would have mattered to you instead of protecting myself from the hurt you'd respond with because I hurt you first."
Kara has to take a deep breath as her words have sped up towards the end. Still, Lena doesn't interrupt, doesn't stop her, so Kara continues with the last of her apology.
"I'm sorry it took this long to get a proper apology from me. The truth is that it took me a long time to understand all of what I've done and all of what I've lost. From the bottom of my heart, Lena, I'm sorry."
Lena doesn't say anything and Kara doesn't hold her breath. Lena wipes the corner of her left eye and nods at her, sniffling and looking away to clean herself up.
Her eyes are still glassy when Kara sees them, but when Kara smiles at her, it means the world when Lena smiles back.
—
There is an invitation to lunch at L-Corp again three weeks later, a text sent to Kara's phone. A resurrection of their former life, paved over with the guarded but open steps of the present.
Kara shows the text to Alex when they're out to lunch. Alex whistles, surprised.
"Yeah?"
She grins. "Yeah."
—
Lunch happens.
She leaves at the top of the hour just before Lena's assistant can even remind Lena about her upcoming meeting.
It's not until the fifth lunch that Lena dares to reach out and physically stop her by placing a hand on Kara's forearm.
"There's no need to rush unless you're getting sick of me," Lena teases.
She shakes her head. "Not that. Never that. Just…didn't want to overstay my welcome."
For all the work and healing that she has done with herself, faced with possibilities for rekindling their friendship, Kara wants to do better than the first time around.
"Kara. Meet me halfway."
"Okay. You're right. Halfway."
—
Halfway is where she goes.
And that halfway eventually leads to inviting Lena, and by extension, Andrea to the completion party of her third book at her apartment. It's a small congratulatory party she holds for having finished the final edits before it goes into production.
Imra attends too and Kara allows the arm draped around her waist while hers wraps around Imra's shoulder. From the edge of her periphery, Lena and Andrea are standing together by her kitchen island, lost in a world of their own. The group once formerly known as the Superfriends greet her like before, in their own way, without expectation for more.
It's as good as it gets and it's better than Kara hoped.
Lena's eyes find hers from across the room and offers her a salute with her wine glass. Kara returns it with her glass of water in hand.
—
"Does she know?" Lena asks when Kara finds some time to herself in the kitchen and it's just her and Lena while the others are spending time in the living room.
"No. Not yet." She knows to what Lena is referring, perhaps knows best the unique position of the one not knowing. Kara has vowed to herself that she will not make the same mistake as before, not with Lena or anybody else.
"She'll want to know, someday, if she sticks around long enough. She'll deserve to know."
"Yeah. If she'll want to do that, then yeah."
—
Their friendship takes on a particular formation, a distance that settles in the name of sporadic lunch invites on both of their parts and occasional texts. It's a good place to be because the bottom line is that Lena is, somehow, miraculously, back in her life. A winding path that took its time, enough to heal and to reconcile, to salvage something Kara once thought was unsalvageable.
"How's Imra?" Lena asks as she takes a fry out of her own bag, the Big Belly burger tradition coming back to life.
"Good. She's gonna be in Metropolis for a bit and then in New York, but she'll be back for two months here."
"And you're alright with that?"
She nods before wiping her face after taking a bite of her second burger. "It works for us."
The rest of their lunch turns to other topics until they're wrapping up and cleaning their wrappers that Lena speaks a surprising comment aloud.
"Forgive me for being forward, but I was surprised to find that you're dating women. You never seemed the type."
She pauses at first, studies Lena for a moment. Then, "Yeah a lot of things came to me belatedly. Not even when Alex came out did I question it.’
"When’d you figure it out?"
She settles back on the couch right by where her messenger bag sits. "A few years ago? It’s somewhat recent, I guess. Still figuring it out, actually."
"Can I be honest?"
"Sure."
"I don't want you to take this any which way but back then, I had entertained the idea of the two of us. But you had a boyfriend and just simply never gave me the impression that you’d have been open."
That came as a shock to Kara, but maybe not, if she’s honest with herself. “Yeah, I get it. I thought it too, actually.”
“Oh?”
She nods. “After the fact, I think. After…you know. But, me too."
"What conclusion did you reach?"
Kara shrugs. "It wouldn’t have worked. I think for however much I loved you then, it wouldn’t have worked because I wasn’t ready for a lot of things.” She thinks of all the lies she’d told, all the other things she focused on. For however much she didn’t want to be alone, She also simply didn’t know how to be a partner to anybody, let alone to someone she was actively lying to, the weight of the guilt growing stronger and bigger every day until none of her powers could have ever helped her carry it.
“And now?”
Kara faces Lena and meets her in the eyes when she says, “Now, you’re happy. And I couldn’t ask for more than that.”
"What about you? Are you happy?"
"Yeah. I'm here." It means more than just being in this room, though that counts for a heck of a lot. She's here at this moment, a woman reborn, reforged. A life she hadn't thought possible, a quietness she gets to choose. Hers and hers alone.
Lena smiles, her face radiating tenderness. It had been this simple before. So many things had changed that. Kara doesn’t languish at the thought, her heart only ebbing with faint regret she's forgiven herself for, though she admits she may never fully shake it off.
The moment between them comes to a close when Lena’s assistant reminds her that she has an upcoming two o’clock to get ready for.
“Listen, Kara, I’ll be in Berlin for the next two weeks about a European launch,” Lena explains when she walks Kara to her door.
“Okay.” She waits to see, to listen.
“But maybe when I get back, we can do this again?”
The tentativeness, the bravery, it’s written all over Lena’s face. Kara can’t help but love her all the more for it. Perhaps the same love she's been carrying for Lena, perhaps a more platonic kind, perhaps a third thing altogether. But love all the same; inevitable.
"Yeah, that sounds great."
What they have now, it’s never going to ever be what it was before. And what could have been will always be a thing of the past, an exercise in pushing past regrets and what ifs.
Lena stares at her for a long moment, studies her features even, and so Kara gives Lena her best smile. In front of her is her friend, her friend she has missed for six, almost seven years. Her friend who has left the door open for Kara to come back in because her reservoir for love is big and gracious.
And Kara, she is so, so fortunate.
What they have now, for all that it’s worth, is more than anything Kara could have ever imagined. And it’s enough. This hope realized is more than enough.
This time, it’s Kara who dares when she opens her arms, and it’s Kara who smiles when Lena walks into her arms, like before. She closes her eyes, because this is the first hug in six, almost seven years that she’s received from Lena. She will take it because they are as good as she remembers.
When she draws back, she is slow to relinquish her hold. It seems that Lena is moving at the same speed. She reminds herself that she is not the only one who has traversed these six, almost seven years through all facets of heartache and healing.
Kara holds her breath when Lena tilts her head and moves to the side of Kara’s face, a soft press of her cool lips against the heat of Kara’s cheek. Just outside of her mouth.
In turn, she mirrors Lena, placing a kiss of her own on Lena's cheek. An equivalent exchange of affection.
The moment is there, and then it’s gone.
Lena’s hands squeeze her shoulders before they slide down her arms, their hands naturally clasping onto one another. Kara grips them in return, appreciates the feel of Lena’s hand in hers.
“Have a good trip to Berlin. Feel free to send me pictures, if you feel up to it.”
“I’ll consider it.”
She releases their hands. She lets Lena go.
And she smiles.
By the time she reaches the lobby, she can barely contain herself that she considers flying. She resists, for now.
She gets down to the sidewalk in front of L-Corp and then she looks back up.
She checks her watch and decides that this marks taking some the rest of the day off.
Her first step is to call Alex. “Sister night tonight?”
“Yeah, ‘course. What are you up to now?”
“I think I'm gonna do some writing by the park. And then I was thinking of calling to see how Imra's doing in Metropolis."
She finishes the call with her sister and finds a text from Lena about this large meeting never being fun. She laughs, texting back that Lena ought to stay strong. Otherwise Berlin would have a conniption.
When she exits back out of her text messages, she sees the thread she has with Imra just below Lena’s message thread with her. She stares at her phone for a bit and clicks into it, pressing the call button and waiting for the phone to ring.
“Hey, you free?”
"Yeah, for a bit. Everything alright?"
"Everything's great. Tell me about your day."
