Why must I be so difficult to love. What makes you run away everytime I try with you, why can't you love me. Why is it when I try to love you I'm too much, but you get with everyone else meaning I'm still not enough.

There's no middle to it. My love will always be somewhat incomplete, forced to compete.

truly i just need a little rant break right now so im taking it. my mother is not well and hasn’t been for months. its been exhausting, not really the caretaking as much as the worrying. we found out recently that shes in stage 5 kidney failure and while that is somehow more terrifying than the unknown was, she’ll start dialysis later this month and i’ll calm down. until then i will be in constant worry. i don’t have a particularly smooth or easy relationship with my mother, but she’s still my mother. i have so many conflicting and confusing emotions about obligation and fear that it’s driving me insane.

this morning my dad was admitted to the ER and is being tested for heart attack/stroke symptoms, they’re keeping him overnight to see if he needs to have a stent put in. but he’s otherwise in good health so i’m being positive.

i’ve cancelled all my appointments for work until friday to be available incase worst comes to worst, also to take care of my mother. and now i feel extremely guilty about rescheduling my clients, some of which will come in with other stylists on days ill be working and see me doing other clients that i didnt have to reschedule. and they’re being very kind and understanding with me but fuck i feel so bad. it’s so hard to not feel guilty that everyone around me is helping me as much as they can- because i am grateful but it is doing so little for my mental state.