***

The Bad Times

Deeks sighed, chin resting on his fist, a half-drunk beer cradled in his other hand. A rerun of some cop show played on the TV in front of him, but he didn’t have a clue what the episode was about. The screen blurred slightly, glowing harshly in the dark room. He didn’t really care. The last few days, he hadn’t cared about all that much.

Up til now, he’d kept most of his darker thoughts at bay. Something had happened this week and he couldn’t hide how awful he felt. Maybe it was the sudden wave of flashback-like nightmares he’d had recently, or the realization that he had no idea when Kensi might come back. Or where she was.

God, he missed her.

Taking a long drink of beer, Deeks let his head fall back on the couch. The alcohol only slightly dulled his misery. He’d avoided drinking since recovering from his unplanned dental reconstruction, but right now, two or three more beers sounded a lot more desirable than sitting with his thoughts.

“Deeks, open up!” Sam’s voice called out, his knock on the front door hard enough to rattle one of Deeks’ surfboards. Deeks considered not answering for a moment, but knew Sam was persistent to wait him out. Groaning under his breath, Deeks stood, and opened the door.

“Sam, what are you doing here?” Deeks said, leaning in the doorway. Even to his own ears he sounded annoyed and tired. Maybe Sam would take the hint.

Sam gave him a very obvious once over. “You were supposed to go for drinks with the team. What happened?”

“I decided I didn’t feel like it.” Which was the truth.

“Uh-huh. You gonna make me stand out here on your doorstep?” Sam asked.

“Would you leave if I did?” Deeks said, stepping to the side without waiting for an answer.

He flipped on a single light because Sam would almost certainly comment on it. Ruffling his hair, Deeks crossed his arms, and waited. “So, why are you here? Cause it’s late, I’m tired, and I don’t really feel like socializing tonight.”

“It’s not even seven yet,” Sam pointed out, mirroring Deeks’ pose, though he looked annoyingly worried instead of confrontational.

“I got up early.”

“I can see that. Doesn’t look like you’ve been sleeping much lately. You’ve been pretty off the last couple of days too.”

Deeks snorted. “If this is your version of a pep talk, you might want to get some pointers, cause it kind of sucks.”

“I’m just worried about you. I wouldn’t want anything to happen,” Sam told him, nodding to the beer bottle Deeks had left on the table.

“I’m fine, Sam,” Deeks said reflexively.

Nodding, Sam licked his bottom lip, seeming to wrestle with saying anything else. “I’ve been where you are you are before man.”

Deeks chuckled derisively. “Man, you have no idea what’s going on with me.”

“I can guess,” Sam said with more understanding than Deeks felt comfortable with.

“I’m not going to do anything stupid,” Deeks sighed. Because that was where Sam was headed with this. Just like when he came back from medical leave and after Kensi decided he was demonstrating risk seeking behavior.

“I believe you, Deeks. Just remember, you’ve got people who care about you. You can call anytime.”

“Thanks, man,” Deeks said, appreciating the offer, even if he didn’t want it.

“Of course.” Sam gestured around the room. “You want some company? There’s a couple games on.”

“Uh, some other night.”

“Ok. Remember what I said,” Sam told him on his way out.

Deeks shut the door behind Sam and walked back to the couch, flopping down on it. No, he didn’t plan to do something stupid or life altering. But damn, if he didn’t feel awful.

***

Just Know My Heart is Breaking Too, Part 11

After Kensi leaves, Deeks doesn’t have a chance to think about the last half hour because he’s got a client waiting and a court appointment to attend. Which is good. He’s not at all ready to explore any of that.

When he returns to the law firm later in the afternoon, Vicky stops him.

“Your five o’clock cancelled,” she says, following him back to his office.

“Thanks. That’ll give me time to work on that briefing I have tomorrow.” Deeks flashes a smile, expecting Vicky to leave. Instead, she lingers in the doorway.

“I can see why you turned me down now.”

“What?” Between the Kensi of it all and thinking about tomorrow’s case, he doesn’t make the connection.

“Agent Blye,” she clarifies. “If she’s who you’ve been pining over all this time, it makes sense why you don’t date.”

“I really don’t want to have this conversation right now,” he says, bracing one hand on his desk, and giving Vicky a tired glance.

“Oh, but I do. I’ve watched you turn down a lot of very attractive women, myself included, and always wondered why. Or more accurately, who. Now I know it’s tall, dark, and federal agent.” Vicky smiles pleasantly and folds her hands together. Any embarrassment she might have felt after asking him out is obviously long-gone.

“Oh my god,” Deeks sighs. “Vick, if I admit she’s my ex, will you let it go?”

“Not a chance,” Vicky says cheerfully. “Now, the question is, who did the breaking up? You or her?”

“I did.”

Vicky’s eyebrows widen and she leans back, folding her arms. “That surprises me.”

“Yeah, that seems to be the general consensus,” he mutters. This is the first time he’s talked about Kensi or the break up in a long time. It doesn’t feel particularly good.

“Wow, you’re still in love with her,” Vicky observes softly, all the teasing gone from her voice.

The truth is, Deeks has missed Kensi every single day since he left. A couple years and a hundred or so miles between them had done nothing to lessen his feelings.

A few times, he’s considered accepting one of the offers Vicky mentioned. Maybe it would help him move on, or at least distract him from Kensi, but it feels dishonest when he’s not emotionally available and he has absolutely no desire for a hookup. No other woman is Kensi.

“It’s complicated,” he sums up inadequately.

“Obviously.” She pauses, giving him a look he can’t interpret. “This might be overstepping my bounds—”

“Well, that’s has never stopped you before,” Deeks cuts in, going for levity, but Vicky doesn’t let him distract her.

“I was going to say, might think about calling her. I have a feeling she might surprise you,” Vicky suggests. Deeks looks away, because he’s feeling a little too raw to handle her compassion and perceptiveness.

“That’s not a good idea. I don’t think Kensi would take me back,” he tells her, adding, “And no, I’m not going to tell you what happened.”

Vicky is silent for several moments. When she does speak again, she crosses over to his desk, and lays her hand over his arm. Deeks stills at the unexpected contact, a little wary and off-kilter.

“You’ll never know if you don’t try.” Her voice is soft and encouraging and she pats his hand once before releasing him.

***

The phone is already ringing by the time Deeks walks into the office, and he misses the call by a few seconds.

“Damn,” he sighs under his breath. The faucet in his bathroom had sprung a leak this morning and a rogue motorcyclist had nearly rammed the side of his truck on the way in to the office. It looks like it’s going to be one of those days.

After setting up his laptop, he shucks off his suit jacket and grabs the tray of coffees he’d picked up on the way in. He makes his way through the office, stopping to drop off drinks and check in with the junior lawyers and other staff.

When Deeks started with the practice last year, there were three first-year lawyers just try to stay afloat. In the time since then, he’s become an unofficial mentor; he often answers questions, reviews documentation, and tries to make sure none of them collapse from stress. He remembers what it was like straight out of law school.

The last stop on his route is a tiny office that belongs to the secretary, Vicky. Today, she’s dressed all in various shades of blue, including her glasses. As soon as she sees him, she stands up, and reaches for the final cup of coffee.

“Morning, Vick.”

“Oh my god, you’re the best!” she says, inhaling deeply before she takes a sip. “I ran out of time because someone decided to block the stairway and K couldn’t get through until someone taller and stronger moved it for me.” She holds up a finger. “Do not laugh.”

“I would never. I told you my last job my boss was even shorter than you,” he tells her. It’s the closest he ever gets to talking about NCIS. He makes the occasional vague reference to Hetty or Kensi, but never more. At this point, most of the office thinks he was kicked out of law enforcement and he doesn’t feel like correcting that misconception.

“While I’m here, did you get anything back for deposition?” he asks, and Vicky shakes her head.

“No, Mr. Jackson didn’t submit his pre-trial evidence yet.” Vicky grimaces and shrugs apologetically.

“Of course he didn’t,” Deeks sighs. He ruffles his hair, trying not to let his full frustration show. The other lawyer on the case has been dragging his feet from day one.

“Sorry, Deeks.”

“Don’t be, it’s never your fault.” Deeks offers a smile to reassure her he doesn’t actually blame her.

“I’ll let you know if anything comes in.”

Back in his office, he inhales deeply, taking a moment just for himself. It’s been a long week of contentious custody battles with a few domestic cases thrown in. Deeks has always hated divorce court, and successfully avoided it during his previous lawyering stint. Unfortunately, he’s really good at dealing with conflict, so he gets a lot of the more unpleasant clients.

After four days of working with couples who are determined to tear each other apart in the name of winning, Deeks just wants to take off his tie and dress shirt and go home.

The cases where he can actually help a struggling family or get a spouse out of a toxic marriage make it worthwhile. It gives him a purpose. But weeks like this make him seriously consider quitting. Deeks’ morose thoughts are interrupted by a tentative knock.

“Come in!”

“Hey Deeks, are you doing anything tomorrow?” Vicky asks, poking her head through the door. She barely pauses before hurrying on. “I know it’s late notice, but my friend had a couple tickets to “Wicked” she didn’t need and I thought maybe you’d want the spare one.” She finishes with a hopeful little shrug of her shoulders.

Vicky has been subtly flirting with him for the last few months, but never made such a direct offer. He could easily say yes. Vicky is incredibly kind and funny, and would make a perfect low-stakes date.

She’s not Kensi though.

“That sounds really nice, but uh, I can’t,” Deeks answers, immediately feeling bad when Vicky’s face falls. “You know, I’m technically your superior.” It’s a poor excuse, but it gives them both an out.”

“Oh, right. Duh. I don’t know what I was thinking,” Vicky says, forcing an awkward laugh. “I’ll just give these to someone else.”

As she leaves, Deeks leans back in his chair. When he closes his eyes, he pictures Kensi’s smile, her weird little shimmy, her mismatched eyes. He stops himself before he can conjure up a memory of kissing Kensi.

Life would be so much easier if he could just move on for good.

***

***

Alone With My Thoughts

The sun is just setting when Deeks stops on a small bridge overlooking the woods. There aren’t many parts of the FLETC campus he would exactly describe as beautiful, but late on a Thursday evening, with a hint of light playing over the trees, and just the faint chirps of insects, it’s almost nice.

Deeks rests his forearms on the railing, looking down into the shallow water of the pond beneath. Relatively speaking, today hadn’t been all that bad. He’s starting to settle in more. The instructors have largely accepted he’s here to stay, and not expecting to coast by. It also helps he’s got a decade and change’s worth of practical experience going for him. Turns out being able to successfully role play an interrogation and not panic when thrown into a surprise active shooter drill earned you some points.

It’s a definite improvement over the first few days when he found himself unexpectedly floundering. Still, it’s a lot even on a good day.

Usually, Kensi calls around this time and he’ll either use one of the small study rooms in the residence hall or the dorm room if it was free. She was stuck on a late-running case, so he’d decided on a run instead.

“Hey, you lose your keys?”

Deeks doesn’t jump, but has to admit he didn’t fully register anyone joining him on the bridge.

“Hey Charlie,” he says, turning around so his back is now braced against the railings. “Did I miss a study session.”

“Nope. We couldn’t find you anywhere, so I was volunteered as the search party,” Charlie explains.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Charlie shrugs it off, tilting his head to examine the horizon. “Though I am curious why you’re out here running, again, when you could be taking advantage of our extremely limited downtime. Seriously, it’s like two hours some days.”

Deeks chuckles at Charlie’s critique. If FLETC had a complaint box, he would definitely have some additions.

“Maybe we’ll get an exit survey and you can suggest some changes to the curriculum,” Deeks jokes.

“Yeah, right.” Snorting, Charlie jerks his head in the general direction of the main offices. “I think Hardy would hunt me down and strip me of my badge. Assuming I’m lucky enough to graduate.” He waits a few seconds. “So, why are you out here?”

“It’s a nice night.” He could just leave it there, but he does appreciate Charlie’s concern. And he could use an outlet. “Sometimes, a little peace and quiet is nice. Despite what everyone on my team would tell you.”

“You always make references to that, but you’re pretty damn reserved.”

“Maybe I’m just getting old,” Deeks suggests, earning an eye roll from Charlie.

“Oh yeah, you’re ancient. Seriously, are you ok? Am I gonna have to jump into this pond after you?“

“Wow, that’s kind of dark.” Deeks smiles despite the unexpected topic. “I like it. And yeah, I’m ok. Sometimes it’s hard to reconcile my plans for the future a few months ago with my current circumstances. Basically I’m moping and feeling sorry for myself.”

“Eh, you’re entitled,” Charlie says easily. He puts his arm around Deeks, guiding him back in the direction of the dorms. “But I think I have the perfect thing to brighten your spirits. Jared got the cook to save some cake and somebody smuggled in a new movie.”

“Oh god, the last one was awful,” Deeks groans, even as he lets Charlie tug him along. The thought of spending a few hours laughing at a terribly made movie doesn’t sound completely terrible.

***

“You doing ok Deeks?” Sam asked, pausing in front of Deeks’ desk. “You’ve kind of quiet today.”

“It’s just been a rough week,” Deeks answered. “Make that a rough year.” He sighed and rubbed his hands over his face.

“I’m sorry. Anything I can do to help?”

“Not unless you can figure out a way to get us pregnant.” Sam blinked in surprise, making Deeks regret his bluntness. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that,” he apologized. “I’m just frustrated.” Nodding, Sam pulled his chair out and sat next to Deeks.

“That’s alright. Sometimes you just need an outlet,” he assured Deeks. “I can’t help with the conception, but I’ve been told I’m pretty good at listening.” Deeks chuckled softly and tossed his pen on the desk. It wasn’t like he was getting much work done anyway.

“The fertility stuff is really starting to takes its toll,” he explained, distractedly ruffling his hair. “The symptoms, the treatments, the lack of results...it’s been really hard on Kensi.”

“I can imagine,” Sam commented neutrally, then he bumped Deeks’ shoulder with the back of his hand. “And what about you?”

“I try to be supportive, but most of the time I just make it worse. I never know the right thing to say or do.”

“I don’t think there is a right way to deal with this kind of thing. You just do the best you can and remember that none of this is your fault.” Deeks sighed shakily.

“I try man, but I just keep thinking that if I was a better partner, Kensi wouldn’t be so miserable,” Deeks told him quietly. It was hard to admit, but the thought was constantly hanging over him. Sam frowned, studying him for a moment.

“Deeks, you are a great partner to Kensi, in every sense of the word. Even if you think that you’re not helping, I know for a fact that Kensi wouldn’t want anybody else by her side through this process. She loves you,” Sam said firmly, the tone of his voice demanding that Deeks take note of what he was saying. He felt his throat tighten slightly in response. “Even if she doesn’t realize it in the moment, are exactly what Kensi needs.”

Deeks swallowed a couple times to gain control of his emotions; he was dangerously close to breaking down right in front of Sam.

“Thanks, man. I didn’t realize how much I needed to tell someone about what’s going on.”