***

I Guess There’s Blame to Share

Deeks sits next to Kensi’s bed, filling out a form from the large stack a nurse had handed him this morning. He’s already submitted ones for temporary medical leave for himself and dozens more on Kensi’s behalf.

The words are starting to blur together when Julia returns from a trip to get coffee. She sets a whole more than coffee down on the tiny table next to Deeks.

“I got some sandwiches, fruit, and cookies,” she explains, offering him one of the coffees. “Sorry it’s not better, but the cafeteria isn’t open yet and all the breakfast food looked unappetizing.”

“Thank you.” Deeks pops the off the coffee and takes a long drink. It’s lukewarm but surprisingly fresh tasting. “You didn’t have to do that,” he tells Julia.

“I know you didn’t have time to eat earlier and I noticed you were rubbing your head before. So, take a break from all that.” gestures to all the paperwork. “It will still be there when you’re done.”

Though her demeanor is far different, Julia reminds him of Roberta in this moment. She’s no less determined, just softer and less chaotic in her approach.

As Deeks picks one of the sandwiches at random, he notices Julia glance at Kensi and sorrow fill her eyes. Any appetite he had disappears instantly.

“I’m sorry I didn’t take better care of her,” he whispers hoarsely.

“What do you mean?” Julia turns with a look of confusion.

“I’m her partner, her—” Deeks stops before he says “fiancé”. He’d never gotten that far. “I let Kensi get hurt.”

“Marty, sweetheart, from everything I’ve heard, you had no control over what happened. I know my daughter has a dangerous job. I don’t always like it, but I know this is what she is driven to do and I respect that. Kensi is lucky to have someone who cares so much about her watching her back.”

“It doesn’t feel like I did. Otherwise she wouldn’t be in a coma,” Deeks says bitterly. A wave of anguish floods him as he remembers Kensi’s screams when they pulled her free. Then the terrifying silence.

Julia takes his hands, redirecting him very effectively. “Look where you are right now, Marty. I’ve heard the way you advocate for her with the doctors. Even though you’re injured too, you’ve barely left Kensi’s side. You are taking care of her. Just like she’d want.”

Deeks shakes his head and inhales slowly, fighting back tears.

“I know my daughter. She wouldn’t want you to blame yourself for this,” Julia insists. She squeezes his hand, a silent request for him to listen, and he eventually nods. “Good. Now please sit down and eat something. We need you strong, Marty.”

***

"You are part orangutan." "You're looking at my butt, aren't you?" "I could have just picked the lock!" "Yeah, and miss this opportunity to impress you?"

A/N: Densimber wouldn’t be complete without a hefty dose of angst. I hope you enjoy. This is set within the first couple of years of Kensi and Deeks’ relationship.

***

Careless Words

Deeks is pretty good at ignoring what other people think of him. He’s had most of his life to practice, after all. Normally, he has no problem defending himself if needed, or playing into inaccurate assumptions for his own benefit. If he can’t have respect, then he’ll enjoy proving everyone wrong.

Sometimes though, it hits a little deeper. Tonight is one of those times. He and Kensi are out with a friend from her cardio class and another couple he’s never met before. There’s already a slightly awkward tinge to the conversation and somehow, it’s drifted into various surface-level anecdotes.

“Deeks has always been a little sensitive,” Kensi says after sharing a fairly embarrassing story. She nudges his shoulder, clearly looking for approval as the other people at the table laugh at his expense.

Just laugh along, he tells himself, but he can’t ignore the slightly cruel edge to Kensi’s voice. Or the sense that he’s once again being pushed out in favor of a relative stranger.

Still, Deeks manages to play along for the rest of the outing. He’s a little more quiet than usual, but everyone else is just drunk enough to not notice and fill in for his silence.

When they finally get home, Kensi stubbles just a little on her way to the front door, grabbing onto Deeks’ arm for support.

“What’s going on with you?” she asks, leaning on him. “You’ve been weird most of the night. Caroline kept asking if you were sick or didn’t like er.

“I’ve just been thinking,” Deeks says vaguely.

“Well, that explains the smell.” She snort-laughs. When he doesn’t join in, Kensi pushes back, and squints at him. “Why do you look so annoyed?”

“Sorry, I’ll try to keep better control of my emotions. Wouldn’t want you to think I’m too sensitive again.” It’s petty, but he feels a little better throwing her words back in her face. Yeah, that’s definitely petty.

Kensi looks confused for a second, then rolls her eyes and signs once realization hits.

“Baby, you know I was joking about that, right.”

“Oh yeah, it was hilarious. I didn’t realize it was an opinion you needed to share with new acquaintances, but then again, you’ve always had a different sense of humor than me.”

“That’s kind of rude,” she says playfully.

“Yeah, so is criticizing me in front of people we just met under the guise of a joke,” Deeks retorts.

Sighing again, Kensi presses a hand to her cheek. They’ve both been drinking. He should probably leave this until a better. Until the sting has worn off and he convinces himself he doesn’t care.

“You have to admit sometimes you can be…I don’t know, a little overly emotional.” Kensi waves her hand at him. “You like to talk about everything and usually lead with your heart and all that.”

And that’s the proverbial straw.

“Right, you think I’m too soft. Just like everyone thinks I’ll be the weak link when it comes down to it.” He laughs, hating how bitter he sounds right now. This is not how he saw the night going at all, yet somehow he can’t stop the words from pouring out of him. “I guess you’d prefer it if I leaned into my darker side, huh? If I acted more like my dad or Max.”

Kensi recoils as if the words physically hurt her. “Of course I don’t,” she says, more seriously than anything else she’s said the whole night. Suddenly, she looks completely sober. “Deeks, that’s not what I meant at all. I just—” She stops abruptly, her inability to finish confirming what Deeks has been feeling for the last three hours.

Brushing his hair out of the way, he looks beyond Kensi. “You know how hard I’ve worked to not be like that,” Deeks catches her eyes, having to look away again when he sees the glimmer of tears in her eyes. “Yeah, I overthink things and talk too much, but I thought by now you understood or I don’t know, maybe even secretly liked it.”

“I do,” she whispers.

“Then why? Why even say it.”

“I don’t know.” Kensi shrugs, looking like she might actually cry. “It’s habit? I guess I didn’t realize it would bother you that much.” Reaching out, she grabs his arms, pleading now. “I’m sorry, Deeks. I shouldn’t have said it.”

“Yeah, it’s a little too late for that, isn’t it?”

“Deeks, what does that mean?” Kensi whispers, sounding scared now.

“I don’t know. But I, uh, I think I need some space,” he says, slowly releasing Kensi’s hold. “I think I’m gonna go for a walk.”

“Deeks, don’t. Baby, let’s talk about it some more.”

“I’ll be back.” He walks away, not sure where he’s head, and a deep, heavy ache in his chest.

***