#sad!reader

for years, you had received as much torment as harry potter from draco malfoy due to your weight, especially your stomach. you'd be the laughing stock of malfoy and the rest of his slytherin gang, no matter how many times ginny weasley and hermione granger would tell you, "don't pay that evil little cockroach any mind."

you wish you could say the same thing to the voice in your head, screaming at you to do those ab workouts, to not eat as much during the school meals. you wish you could just flip a switch, that draco would stop asking you how many pounds you put on just from breakfast alone, or if you had any trouble fitting into your skirt that morning.

"or you can just sock him in the throat," mentioned ron, mouth full of food.

"you wanna do it for me?" you asked back, an eyebrow raised. ron shook his head and went back to his plate.

hermione sighed beside you, "why not bring it up to dumbledore? or even snape? they should hear the vile things he says to you."

you shrugged, "i don't know, i don't think it's worth it, honestly. that might just make him come at me more and at the moment, i cannot handle that." you tried to laugh at the end, but it came out struggled.

ron gave a smile across from you, mouth full of food, "at least you're not harry, fighting draco constantly to see who the heir of slytherin is."

harry's face turned red, "ron, please, can we not?"

you gave a quiet laugh, "i actually appreciated that ron, thank you." harry groaned beside the redhead.

ginny was about to comment until you heard the goblin voice of draco malfoy himself directly behind you, "hey, y/n, walk any steps today to shed off some pounds? looks like you need to."

hermione glared at draco, "how dare you speak to her, or anyone, like that! you are utterly repulsive!"

draco glanced around the table, "granger, when?"

hermione shot him a look, "when what?"

draco snickered, "did i ask? but seriously y/n, give your legs a break from carrying all that!" and with that, he walked away, proud of himself as he pounded knuckles with crabbe and goyle.

ron and harry stood up, ready to lunge at draco before you gave them a look, shaking your head.

you bit your lip, "suddenly not hungry anymore. um, i think i'm gonna head up to the dorms. see you guys later?"

before anyone could disagree, you stood up from the benches and made your way out of the great hall, running into fred and george who quickly noticed your watery eyes.

"you alright there, y/n?" fred asked, and you nodded quickly, "yes, i'm fine but i have to go - study. goodbye."

the twins looked at one another, and then at your retreating form, "y/n, are you sure-" their question dropped as you continued on.

and with that, the twins were left dumbfounded until they were informed by their friends, brother, and sister.

not long after that incident, draco left you alone, making you and your friends become very suspicious, as if malfoy had a trick up his sleeve. but shockingly, he didn't, and he continued to not talk to you until potions class.

when professor snape decided partnering up different classmates was a great idea, and you two ended up together. he had wandered over to your desk, sitting beside you.

he smirked, "y/n."

you nodded, "listen, just let me do this potion so we can get a decent grade and then you can go back to torturing me, ok? unless you want your grade to suffer?"

draco stayed quiet, somewhat taken aback by your words, "i can help, you know, might as well make sure someone like you doesn't screw it up."

you looked up from the textbook, "someone like me? right, because i'm so repulsive to look at, draco. thank you for the reminder, i'll make sure to dedicate my next workout to you, you git."

with tears on the verge of falling, you grabbed your textbook and hastily walked out the room, professor snape yelling, "and two weeks worth of detention for you, miss l/n!"

you flipped him off right outside the classroom, somewhat bummed and relieved at the same time that he didn't see it.

draco was stunned, simple as that. he knew he was a jerk, a total asshole, but to him, it was pure fun. there was no harm - at least to him. but now, as he sat in potions class, noticing how all eyes were on him, he came to the realization that there was harm done.

draco never actually thought you were heavy or overweight, or even ugly; by merlin no, he thought you were so pretty. yet, he wanted to slap himself as that was no excuse to bully her until she cried - no, he knew that was the wrong way to go about it.

so then why did he do it? he hated that stupid saying that guys bullied girls because they liked them, but draco wondered if that were true in his case. or if he just didn't want to acknowledge his feelings for you.

he pondered the rest of potions class, speechless as to why he thought making fun of your weight was any excuse to talk to you. all he did was hurt you so deeply, cut wounds into your being.

draco knew he was an asshole, and knew he messed up. so how does he apologize?

apologizing was not his strong suit as he never needed to; well, at least to anyone besides his parents. why apologize to anyone else if nobody was as important as them? oh, but you were. you were so full of life and jokes, so kind to him when you all arrived as first-years, yet he has always been so cruel to you. was draco seriously this foreign to kindness that he decided the easiest way to reciprocate was to be mean?

yeah, i guess so.

draco stood up, his chair screeching against the floor. everyone looked at him and draco glanced to snape, "i've got to go." and with that, he was gone, leaving everyone with wide eyes and raised eyebrows.

hermione looked to ron, "where do you think he's going?"

ron shrugged, "beats me. maybe thinking of new insults to hurl at y/n. it's been a while."

hermione sighed and shuffled uncomfortably in her seat, "i wanna go look for her, ron."

harry heard her and shook his head, "bad idea; i think snape might lose it if one more person leaves or even raises their hand."

severus snape was indeed distraught at the behavior that was taking place in his classroom.

but he was not as taken aback as you were now in the astronomy tower.

why had it taken all up until now for you to snap? to even come back at him with something as much as anger? draco deserved to be yelled at, to be slapped, to be, as ron said, "socked in the throat."

you wiped your tears, sitting on the concrete floor as sobs racked your shoulders again. a few owls surrounded and flew around the tower as you whispered, "i hate my body. i have so much hatred for this fat, the way i look, the way i feel. i hate it." you sobbed, feeling the tears slip down your cheeks.

you let out a shaky breath, looking in your bag to grab a tissue before snot became your worst enemy. you wiped your nose, wrinkling it at the feeling before you sighed. you sniffled, tears filling your eyes again.

"i'm sorry."

you jumped, looking around for the source of the voice until you saw draco shuffle out of the darkness by the concrete wall.

you scoffed, "ugh, merlin! go away, malfoy. you're the last person i want to see right now, if you haven't caught on."

he kicked against the floor, "i deserve that."

"and i deserved your bullying, too, right?"

draco glanced to you, shaking his head even though yours had turned back around. he stepped closer, "no, no, you didn't. i'm... i'm a git, you're right."

you sniffled, looking to him as he sat beside you. you grumbled, "took you long enough."

draco huffed a laugh, "it did. and you can still hate me after this, but i truly am sorry. you didn't deserve what i said and did to you, and i can't imagine how you must feel."

silence enveloped between the both of you until he continued, "i heard what you said earlier, about your body."

your eyes had been closed, and you hummed, "not exactly a shocker."

"because of what i said? no, it's not, and i'm sorry again."

you held up a hand, looking at him, "draco."

draco looked you in the eyes, "y/n."

you gave a slight laugh, "it's okay, i forgive you."

draco nodded, "i'm sorry for making you feel so shitty about yourself. nobody deserves to feel that way, especially you, because you were nothing but kind to me and i treated you terribly."

you smiled softly at him, "you did, but you're apologizing now. my issues i can deal with on my own, but you took the time to apologize now so i'm grateful for that."

draco was stunned, a frown on his face, "how are you kind to me right now? i was terrible to you!"

you gave him side-eye, "i said terrible shit about you in my head, so i figured i should be nice."

the two of you laughed loudly at that comment, draco's eyes crinkling. as it died down, he rested a hand on the back of your head. he turned you towards him, "you're beautiful. truly stunning, y/n. i'm sorry i said those things about you."

you gave a small smile as tears welled in your eyes, "thank you draco, it's okay."

draco leaned back on his one hand, the other still in your hair, "can i help you in any way? to help you love yourself and your body?"

you were shocked to the core at his words this entire time, but now your eyes were just popping out of your head. you stumbled, "oh - no, no, i don't think so. it's just something i need to learn, y'know, to love my body. it's just...hard."

draco nodded and he smiled, "i have an idea."

your face drained of color, worried this might have been a joke all along. draco continued, "instead of insults, i'll give you compliments throughout the day. maybe that can help?"

this draco was so sweet compared to the old one; you suddenly had the urge to just grab his cheeks and go on about how sweet he was. this was such a turn of events.

"then," draco went on, "you wont want to be in a new body."

you smiled, "that sounds like a great idea, draco. thank you."

draco's cheeks flushed, "yeah, not a problem, it's whatever."

You remember it as if it was yesterday; the day you finally saw those stunning emeralds. It was the day that changed everything; the day that shattered your hopes and dreams.

Because, although you finally saw colour; Loki didn't.

So, as the ceremony began to reach it's final stages, you quietly slipped away from the crowd and into the gardens. The one place where you could be alone with your thoughts; no matter how horrid they may be.

You walked to the closest bench and sat down, as tears began to slip out of your eyes. The pain in your chest was too much to bare. And it didn't help that your mind was stuck on the 'what ifs'.

But you were pulled out of your thoughts by the sound of footsteps; those all-too familiar footsteps.

Pulling your hands away from your face, your eyes met those sparkling green irises that you loved.

"Y/n, I wanted to talk to you," he said softly, taking the seat next to you.

You didn't trust yourself to speak, so you simply nodded, your eyes now fixed to the grass floor underneath you.

Loki hesitated for a moment before speaking. "I- I know that today was difficult for you, and I'm so sorry for any hurt that you being here today caused. But you have no idea how much it means to me that you've shown up today."

A bitter laugh escaped your lips. "An apology isn't going to fix anything, Loki. I loved you, and you chose someone else."

He reached out to take your hand, "I know, but I am sorry. But you have to understand, I couldn't ignore my connection with her. It was too compelling."

You shook your head, tears still streaming down your face. "I know how compelling the soulmate bond is. And I understand, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. It doesn't make the fact that you married someone else any less painful."

His face softened, and he reached to wipe your tears away. "I wish I could make it go away, Y/n. I wish I could take away all your pain."

You looked up at him, your eyes now filled with a mix of sorrow and anger. "You can't Loki. You don't get to come here and make everything better. You made your choice; you chose her. And I have to live with the consequences."

He nodded, his eyes filled with regret. "I know. But I just want you to know that I care about you, Y/n. And that I always will."

You felt your heart shatter into millions of pieces at his words. "It's too late for that, Loki. You made your choice, and I have to live with the fact that I'll never be with the person I love; the person I was destined to be with."

They both sat in silence for a while, the both of them lost in their own thoughts. You knew that this was your goodbye, there was no moving past this for you.

As Loki stood up to leave, he turned to look at her one last time. "Goodbye, Y/n. I hope you're able to find happiness one day."

It was dark now. You had been sitting at the bench for what must've been at least a couple hours by now.

Eventually, you stood up, and walked towards the edge of the garden, overlooking the cliffs and crashing waves in the cavern below. You felt numb; shattered beyond repair.

As you looked out into the abyss, you couldn't help but think about all the moments you had shared with Loki. All the stolen glances and secret smiles. The late-night conversations and moments of pure bliss.

But now, it was all gone. You would never have those moments with Loki again. You would never have Loki.

A small part of you wanted to jump off the cliff, to end the pain once and for all. But you knew that wasn't the answer. You had to keep going, even though every step of the way felt like a knife stabbing your heart repeatedly.

As you turned to leave, you caught a glimpse of yourself hanging in the mirror on the garden wall. You barely recognised the person staring back at you. Your eyes were swollen from tears, your face was pale, and your hair was a downright mess.

You knew you couldn't go back to the wedding reception. You couldn't bring yourself to face the happy couple and pretend that everything as okay. You had to leave; you had to get away from the pain.

You quickly walked back to the bench and grabbed what little items you brought with you, and then left the garden. As you walked through the hallways of the castle, you could hear the faint sound of music and laughter from the reception.

It all felt like a cruel joke, a reminder of everything that you had lost. You couldn't take it anymore.

As you reached the grand entry, you hesitated before opening them. You stepped out into the cold night air, the wind whipping your hair into your face.

You took one last look at the castle, knowing that it would be the last time you would ever see it. You turned and walked away, her heart heavy with grief and regret once more.

As you walked down the path, even more tears freely flowing down your face, you knew that you could never be the same. The love that you had for Loki had consumed your entire being, and now it had ultimately destroyed you.

You had no idea where you were going, or what you would do next. All you knew is that you could never go back to the life you had lived before. You had to start over, and find a way to live without the person you loved.

But you knew deep down that you would never be happy again. The pain of your unrequited love would haunt you for the rest of your life.

A/N that was probably the most angsty thing I've ever written.

Also, please know that you're never alone, and that there is always someone willing to listen. If you ever need to rant about anything, my inbox is always open.

So what did Loki do ?

He bought a Human leash and put it on Y/n. Y/n fought against it, she hated it and it was too tight to run away from.

“Y/n stop struggling.”, Loki sighed out.

“No ! Take it off of me !”, Y/n yelled.

“Not gonna happen, Y/n.”

Y/n yelled in frustration and tore on it as Loki went with her to the car. Loki huffed in exhaustion at Y/n’s attitude.

Y/n got tears in her eyes in utter sadness. She felt humiliated and like a dog. Loki promised he will never tie Y/n up, but he just did !

Soon Loki was in the car with Y/n. As Loki tried to put the belt onto Y/n, she did it herself and refused to look at Loki.

“Y/n, come on. I know you don’t like it, but it has to be.”, Loki tried to reason with Y/n.

She ignored Loki. Loki decided to look into Y/n’s thoughts.

‘Just babble these lies ! Not the first ones ! You know NOTHING ! You aren’t leashed like a dog !’

Loki huffed and left Y/n’s side and entered the other side, while Happy drove them. Y/n just stared out of the window, never looking at Loki, never talking, never moving. It worried Loki.

Loki didn’t see it, but Y/n was silently crying. She was nothing but a dog to her Daddy, huh ?! Next he tells her to walk on all her fours ! Y/n was crestfallen at that thought. Will Loki do that to her too ?! He promised he won’t make her sad ! But…he already did with leashing her…

“Y/n, come on. Talk to me, Babygirl.”, Loki broke the silence.

Y/n ignored him and kept silent, letting Loki know that she won’t obey. Letting him know that she is very upset.

Loki sighed.

“Babygirl, I hate it just as much as you, believe me.”

“Last time I believed you, you lied.”, Y/n finally said.

“Last time ?”

“You promised you will not, ever, trap me. And you fucking leashed me.”, Y/n spat.

Loki looked at U/n and sighed heavily.

“So that is what this silence is about ?”

Y/n stayed silent.

“Childish…”, Loki mumbled.

At that Y/n snapped her head back at Loki.

“CHILDISH ?! LEASHING ME AND TAKING MY FREEDOM AWAY IS ‘CHILDISH’ TO YOU ?! MAKING ME FEEL LIKE A DOG ?! A DAMN DIRTY DOG !!! THAT IS ‘CHILDISH’ TO YOU ?! YOU AREN’T THE ONE WHO IS LEASHED !!! YOU DON’T HAVE TO FEEL LIKE A DAMN DOG !!! THE NEXT THING YOU WILL DO IS TELL ME TO CRAWL ON MY HANDS AND KNEES ON THE DIRTY FLOOR !!!”, Y/n screamed at Loki.

Loki saw the tears in Y/n’s eyes and all the sadness they held. The grief her eyes held. It made Loki’s heart ache.

“Y/n…”

“DON’T ! I DON’T WANT TO BORE YOU WITH MY ‘CHILDISHNESS’ !! Just leave me alone…”, Y/n said weakly.

Loki stayed silent and looked at her with guilt.

______________________________

After they arrived at the store, Loki practically had to DRAG Y/n out. She didn’t want to go with Loki shopping, which never happened before. She always loved to go shopping with Loki.

Loki knew he royally fucked up, but Y/n didn’t really understand why Loki did this. She assumed. But she doesn’t understand.

______________________________

Loki went through the aisles with Y/n on the leash and Y/n saw a very interesting object a bit away from the aisle they were in now. M/n tried to walk over to it, but the leash soon pulled her back, making her remember that she is not allowed to look at things that made her curious anymore.

At that Y/n got fresh tears into her eyes, not that Loki saw. He had his back turned to Y/n at the moment.

Loki then pulled Y/n with himself through the whole Store. Everything that got Y/n’s attention was too far away and they never passed by it either, making Y/n even sadder.

“Now we got everything. We can leave, Y/n. Y/n ?”, Loki asked worried as he saw his Babygirl sobbing.

“Hey. What is wrong ?”

Y/n looked to the object that got her attention and Loki followed her sight.

“You want to go there and look ?”, Loki asked Y/n.

Y/n nodded.

“Well then come on, let us go there.”, Loki said and Y/n started to smile.

She rushed there and Loki ran after her so Y/n won’t be torn back by the leash.

“Did you see even more ?”

Y/n nodded.

“But you always pulled me away, so I never could look at them…”, Y/n said sadly.

“Then let us look now !”, Loki said and tried to cheer U/n up.

Y/n smiled softly and nodded.

______________________________

They went everywhere, where Y/n still wanted to look around and then they cashed out, leaving the Store. As they sat in the car a thick silence was back.

“Why did you leash me ?”, Y/n asked softly.

“Because these Stores are big and every time you want to look at something, you simply leave and I can’t find you anymore. It takes hours to find you again and there are some people that would kidnap you and take you away. I need to know where you are going and I need to keep you close, Y/n. A Leash was the only way.”

M/n looked away in shame. She made such a fuss and thought it was bad….even though her Daddy only meant well.

“I am sorry, Daddy…”

“No, I am. I should have told you that BEFORE I leashed you…”

Y/n hugged Loki’s arm tightly and smiled. Loki smiled too and he cuddled Y/n.

______________________________

They finally got home and Y/n was exhausted like crazy. They went to 3 more shops and now she was so sleepy.

Loki came inside too and then put the bags down, telling FRIDAY to get someone to get it put away. Then he went with Y/n to their shared Bedroom.

“What does my Babygirl want as redemption for my ill doing ?”, Loki asked Y/n.

He promised Y/n to make up for it.

"Want you in me while I sleep", Y/n yawned out.

“Then we do that.”, Loki said.

He took off the leash on Y/n and then her clothes. Then he took off his own clothes and they crawled into bed. Loki lifted Y/n’s right leg, lined his cock up and pushed into Y/n.

Y/n moaned softly and pressed her back more into Loki’s chest, curling up slightly too. Loki kissed Y/n’s neck and then they both fell asleep, contently.

Hence, you were unsure how long you had stared down the projector in front of you before pressing play.

“Mother, look!”

You were a toddler in the projection.

-

A mere child, arms outstretched as you tumbled across the field your family nurtured in order to collect enough coinage for bread on the daily.

“It’s beautiful, Y/N. Take it to the market tonight, I feel someone may buy it.” Your mother, while soft in the eyes and kind to speak with, only said it to gain another copper piece from the townsfolk.

“But Mother, why do I have to sell it?” You protested, “I made it, and I want to keep this one.”

-

You leaned forward, flicking the projector’s knob until that picture faded out and a new one took its place.

Loki and yourself were sat in a time theater deep within the TVA, your ‘greatest hits’ reel entered in the system. Mobius had given in after your successful testing of Loki’s apocalypse theory, and led the pair of you to a secluded theater. Only one guard stood outside the door, while Mobius claimed he had copious amounts of paperwork to take care of whilst you watched.

When the new picture was assembled, you tapped play to resume your reel.

-

“Excuse me, Madam?”

A voice caught your mother’s attention over the bustling sounds of the market, and she turned to the source. A gasp escaped her lips, and she immediately bent herself into a bow.

“Queen Frigga!” Your mother cried, “Welcome. Thank you for visiting my stall, it is an honor.”

The Goddess was dressed in a simple red gown, covered with a gray cloak to blend with the commoners. Her hair was braided in a tight, intricate formation with curls framing her face. Frigga smiled kindly despite the Einherjar flanking her. “The honor is all mine. I actually came bearing a gift. My son found something that I believe belongs to you.”

Your mother’s forehead wrinkled with curiosity, watching as the Einherjar stepped aside to reveal yourself standing beside a young boy around the same age, dressed in the royal leathers and gold of Asgardian royalty. His hair was inky black and pushed away from his face, while sharp blue eyes watched her carefully.

“Oh your highness, I apologize! My child has a habit of wandering. I hope there was no trouble.”

The young boy stepped up beside his mother, chest puffing proudly. “No trouble at all, Madam. Y/N and I were actually discussing some literature.”

Frigga set a hand on either childs’ shoulder. “It was my delight. It’s not often Prince Loki makes friends so easily.”

-

In the TVA your hand rubbed at your thigh, recounting the memory in your head, though there was much less detail. You allowed your fingers to reach towards the now-grown Loki beside you. His own twined with yours, while the other hand reached to the projector and fast forwarded through scenes from your childhood that were vaguely familiar, until one painful memory filled the screen.

-

“I can’t believe she’s gone.”

Your voice was muffled behind your hands, tears running between your fingers. You were the only one left in the family. Your father was long dead, and now your mother, gone to an unknown plague. The other field workers in the village pitched in to build a funeral pyre, and you watched the woman who cared and nurtured you go up in flames. Now old enough to take over her work yourself, you were destined to bear the weight of a peasant family on your own.

“Are you in need of some company?”

The crisp, regal accent was unmistakable, and you wiped fruitlessly at your face. Prince Loki stood behind you, dressed in a black leather tunic and overcoat, flashes of silver near the collar and bordering the lapels. His hair was shorter than it had been a fortnight earlier, now tucked neatly behind his ears despite the curls attempting to thrive in the humidity of rural Asgard.

“Loki.” His name was a cry for help, and the young man stepped towards you with open arms. You pressed into his chest, looking away from the pyre. “Why are you here?”

“You’re one of my true friends, Y/N. I couldn’t let you do this alone.”

-

You squeezed your Loki’s fingers, and he readjusted your chairs until you could lean into him. He swiped tears away from your eyes, and did the work of changing the memory on screen.

-

Green drapery, golden floors and ceilings bathed in warm afternoon light, while a pillar cast shadows onto the bed.The only reason you had to enter Loki’s chambers now was under the guise of cleaning, as he had offered you a position maintaining his chambers and library in the castle after your mother’s death. However, this time you entered to find him sullen and broken as he told you of Thor’s banishment.

“Loki, listen to me. I could understand the thought of holding off Thor’s coronation, but this is going too far.” You hissed, pacing his royal chambers.

The God of Mischief sat before you on the aforementioned bed, elbows on his knees and chin in his hand. “Father has fallen into the Odinsleep.”

You stopped your pacing.

“What?” You sat beside him. “Why? What caused this?”

A watery chuckle escaped the man beside you, and he turned to meet your eyes. “Do you think I’m a bad person? A poor brother or son?”

You reached for Loki’s hand, but he pulled away.

“Don’t!” He stood, keeping his eyes trained on you. “I’ll show you why Odin fell into his sleep.”

You furrowed your brow at the use of Odin’s name. “Your father?”

Loki took a deep breath, and channeled the power he had felt while holding the casket deep beneath them in the weapons vault. He felt his Asgardian visage fall away, and blinked open crimson eyes to stare at you.

“He’s not my father.”

It was obvious to you what Loki was, but you managed to keep your face straight until he faded back into his familiar self. And suddenly it made sense. He was a chess piece to Odin; something the King of kings could use to bargain with Jotunheim in the future. Perhaps sooner than anticipated, had Loki not found out.

“You’re adopted.” You forced yourself to refrain from using the word ‘stolen’.

Loki scoffed. “An incredibly kind way of putting it, thank you, Y/N.”

You were undeterred by his hostility, and stood from the bed, strong in your boots. The revelation that Loki was not purely Asgardian was shocking and altogether a disgusting action by his father from a moral standpoint, but you knew this man was the same one you had been friends with since that fateful day at the market.

“Loki, you’re no different-”

“Of course I am! You are more suited to the throne than I at this point, for at least your blood is pure!”

You shook your head, even as Loki stalked towards you in a menacing fashion. “You don’t scare me. I don’t care if you’re Jotun or not, you’re the same Loki I’ve always known.”

“I’m a monster.” He growled, breath fanning over your face, “A stolen relic to heal the wounds between two realms.”

Holding your head high, you were centimeters from his face. Your eyes flicked to his lips, and the decision you made to kiss him was split-second. It was full of sorrow and guilt, anger and passion. Loki’s hands clutched almost painfully into your hair, and your nails stuck into his tunic.

“You’re no monster.” You inhaled against his mouth, “You’re broken.”

-

This recollection had you shaking with dry sobs, even though it was likely more painful to Loki than yourself. His arm was warm around your shoulders in the present, and you held onto it like your life depended on it. You reached for the projector, and the next memory was all too painful. There was a flicker before it queued up completely, of Loki holding one end of Gungnir while Thor held the other. The God of Mischief was dangling over the black hole beneath the broken Bifrosts.

“No!” You lunged at the projector, spinning the knob furiously. “I won’t watch it again.”

Loki’s arm around your shoulders relaxed fractionally. “Are you going to finish it?”

You took a deep breath. “Yes.”

Following your desperate skip to the future to avoid heartache, the memories were now completely unfamiliar to you.

-

“Odin allows these visits?”

You smirked from your seat on the floor of Loki’s white cell. “Not exactly. A certain sorceress taught me what I believe to be an invisibility incantation. And I like to believe Heimdall likes me, and his actions aren’t treasonous.”

-

In real time, you turned to Loki. “This is…”

“What would have happened if we’d stayed.”

You reached for the knob again, gliding past the horrific slaying of Frigga that you had witnessed on Loki’s reel when you first arrived at the TVA.

“I don’t want to watch her die again.”

Loki swallowed, kissing your temple. “Thank you.”

-

“I’m not leaving him, Thor.”

You sat on the dismal ground of Svartalfheim, hands resting on Loki’s still chest.

“Y/N, you can’t stay here.” The God of Thunder protested. Jane was clutched to his side, and you only could stare at the corpse in front of you. “He’s gone.”

“I’ll hate you forever if you make me leave. I will find a way to return to Asgard.”

-

There were tears in your eyes now, and even Loki was watching the screen with baited breath. You nudged the dial just a bit, until you saw Thor leave and Loki moving again.

“You faked your death.” You accused.

“It seemed that way on my tape as well.”

A moment later, another unfamiliar vision appeared.

-

You were thrown against the glimmering Bifrost, back crunching dangerously upon impact. Hela stalked towards you, grabbing you by the hair and yanking you to your knees. Your armor from Sakaar was torn and broken, revealing torn skin and blood.

“I don’t know how much farther I have to go for you to understand.”

“If you lay a hand on her-”

“L-Loki…” You choked, eyes weakly watching him congregate with Thor and Valkyrie, “It’s alright. Don’t stop.”

His eyes were panicked, wildly darting between the Goddess of Death and your beaten body.

“Hand over the sword.” Hela demanded, hand tightening at your throat.

“They’ll never let you have this place.” You managed, turning your head enough to spit blood onto Death’s shoes.

“Oh, I’ve had enough.”

Hela thrust a blade into your chest without warning, ripping through your heart. You slumped almost instantly, and the noise faded to a droll until your consciousness was truly gone. The last noise you heard was Loki’s enraged shouting.

-

You blinked, standing from the table abruptly and pacing back and forth. “So that’s it? We both just die gruesome deaths?”

Loki remained seated, only tapping his toes against the floor in acknowledgement. “As I said. Glorious purpose.”

Unaware of your own actions, your feet moved until they were planted before Loki’s. He looked up at you with an indecipherable expression, raising to his full height.

“Our relationship was born of pain, and we shall die of it. In another timeline, I suppose.” Loki pondered.

“We never even got to live.” You murmured, leaning into his chest. “I wanted… more.”

It felt like much later when you and Loki crawled into a twin bed together. Your mind had been focused on your tape since it finished with your death. The sound of Hela’s blade in your chest, and Loki’s mournful shouts were all you could think about. Your melancholy had grown so bad that Mobius excused the both of you to get some sleep before continuing on case files.

“Are you alright?” Loki’s tone was casual.

Not too soft, not too pitiful. Just him.

“I’ll make it.”

You pressed your back to his chest and closed your eyes, waiting to fall asleep. It felt like forever and in no time at all before you were forced to wake. Mobius had given you an alarm, but there was no clock. It only measured the ‘appropriate’ length for slumber.

You didn’t know how long the nightmare had carried on. Didn’t know how long it would be- or, had been- since Hela thrust a blade more than half your height into your chest.

You just hoped that in some time, the madness would end. But in all reality, time was an illusion built by humans. A sacred illusion, monitored by the TVA.

An illusion in which you died at the hands of Death itself.

Time passes differently in the TVA.

Cas knocks. “I know you’re awake. Please open up. Dean is not with me and neither is Sam. I am alone.”

You sigh. “Why?” you ask and hope it’s loud enough to be heard. Cas standing outside and demanding to be let in would be an annoying way to spend the night, but you don’t really want to get up.

“Is that permission to come in?”

There are no angel wards to keep him out as it is and with how sluggish you feel there’s no way you can get out a banishing sigil without him noticing and taking action. Not that you’re worried it will be necessary, but you wonder why he’s bothering to even ask for your go-ahead. “Yeah, whatever.”

A brush of air by your face makes you flinch, but you otherwise remain undeterred by Cas’s immediate presence. Until he leans down next to you, looking intently up and down your body. “You’re hurt,” Captain Obvious Yet Oblivious says and moves to place his fingers to your forehead.

You smack his hand away and hiss at the pain of your broken hand hitting something. “Leave ‘em. I deserve it.”

Cas casts his judgmental eye at the bottle of alcohol on your bedside table and you make a dismissive sound. You’re not even drunk enough to deal with an angel playing peacemaker; he shouldn’t look like that. But he still looks at you, very ‘what am I going to do with you’, and you can’t bring your hand back up fast enough to stop him before he goes ahead and heals you.

“Fuck, Cas, I told you–”

“You were in pain. You deserve no such thing.” Cas’s eyes soften and when you try to turn away, he holds the side of your face to stop you. When he says your name it’s soft, and almost more than you can handle. “Dean wouldn’t tell me what you argued about, but he wants you to know he’s sorry; that he didn’t mean to chase you off.”

“It’s not Dean,” you say and turn away from Cas, curling up in yourself. “It’s just…one of those days. Weeks. Months. Years? Lives?” You swallow a lump building in your throat. “I’m fine, Cas. Tell Dean it’s fine. I’m gonna check out a possible Baykok case nearby and then I’ll…come back.”

“Will you?” Cas asks.

“Yeah.” But the word sounds as hollow as it feels. You don’t hear anything and for a moment you worry that Cas has just taken off. But you can hear him shuffling, moving something and you turn back to see him, stripped of his tie and coat and now pulling off his shoes. “Cas?”

“I will go if you ask.” But he comes to lie next to you and you can’t form the words. You just watch as he takes the small amount of bed between you and the edge and faces you, his lips level with your eyes so that you have to look up. He’s contemplative. Quiet. “But I do not wish to leave you right now. May I stay?”

“Why?” is all you can think to ask. “Why would you want to?”

“You are in pain in a way that I cannot fix.” He presses his hand to your back. “But maybe I can help.”

“But why?”

“Because I care,” he says and presses his lips to your forehead. You freeze. You’re not sure what it means but it does…feel nice. That someone cares enough to stay.

“I’ll still be…” You swallow again. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. You are fine, just as you are,” Cas whispers. “But you should know…it is all right to cry.”

“I don’t want to cry.” You snuggle closer and Cas holds you close to his body. He breathes and he’s warm and living and real and it won’t fix anything, but maybe it can help. Even just a little. “I just want this.”