#s3ep05

I wasn’t using that heart anyway...

Them my question is would be why bother on Magnus part, if he's tired of losing those he love, why not just have flings for as long as he live and let them know upfront this is what I want this is what I don't want, are you with it or not so they know upfront what their getting into with him and don't expect more but he pursued Alec, told him he unlocked something in him, fell in love with him and now he's afraid of loving and losing a mortal shadowhunter? I don't get why bother if he can't deal with all that comes with that including opening up and them maybe having issues with his immortality and previous relationships because they don't won't to be a burden or feel they dont measure up to previous lovers, why was he not prepared for this being how many times he's been in love and dealt with this, Alec can be a bit more understanding of how hard this is for Magnus too but Magnus is gonna have to open up to Alec more verbally about everything or their gonna push each other away

Well, literally, restricting himself to flings is what he was doing before he met Alec. He was done with all of this. Alec changed something for him, something he didn’t count on and probably wasn’t in the least prepared for, but was compelled to pursue nonetheless because the heart wants what it wants, yo.

Also, you’re sort of positing that any of this is something Magnus is doing intentionally. Which isn’t the case. He’s doing it because he can’t seem to keep himself from doing it.

Allow me to divert for a moment into my biology studies of years past here:

Did you know that most reflexes don’t require input from the brain to happen? They happen in the spinal cord. Those infinitesimal microseconds it takes for the pain impulse or danger signal to travel to the brain and for the brain to send back a command to react and jerk away from whatever is harmful are just too long, so the body literally bypasses the brain altogether and just reacts.

What we are seeing from Magnus here is the emotional equivalent of a spinal reflex. This is totally bypassing his brain and higher thought processes.

Look at the pattern of these two conversations they’ve had on the subject.

3x05: Alec brings up the box, Magnus starts to reassure him on what Magnus thinks the subject is, Alec takes it in the direction of his own mortality, Magnus shuts him down.

3x06: Alec brings up the box, Magnus (thinking Alec is still disturbed by the notion of Magnus’s past lovers) offers to talk about it, Alec brings up his own mortality, Magnus pivots and changes the subject and provokes an argument.

See what’s happening here? Magnus doesn’t shut the conversation down until after Alec brings up his own mortality. Just like jerking your hand away from a flame. His self-preservation reflexes are kicking in.

It’s not deliberate. In fact, I’m pretty sure that the rational part of Magnus’s brain is metaphorically clutching the ohJesus! handle and wondering who this maniac in the drivers’ seat is.

I’m also sure the rational part of Magnus’s brain understands this conversation would have to happen someday. He was just in no way prepared for it to happen this soon. Not less than two months into the relationship, when they’re so happy and everything is so shiny and new. He thought he would have more time. Being confronted with it unexpected is a whole other ball game.

Another analogy:

My husband has aeroanxiety. He has real, actual “my body is convinced I’m dying and I’m not sure I don’t believe it” panic attacks when the plane takes off. It was so bad at one point that for about 15 years, he couldn’t fly. Because the memory of the panic attacks he’d had while flying in the past, and the anticipation of the panic attack he would have when the plane took off, were so bad it would cause him to have panic attacks just waiting to board the plane. He wouldn’t sleep at night before a flight because he was already struggling with anxiety. We booked three trips and missed them before he finally got it under control.

(literally @roseglass can back me up on this; I ended up dropping in on her and her family one night unannounced back around 2000 or 2001 because he didn’t make a flight out when we were supposed to travel somewhere together.)

He can fly now. Because he did a lot of therapy for it, and most of that therapy involved learning techniques to prepare himself beforehand in order to circumvent the panic spiral before it began.

So I’m sure Magnus knows, intellectually, that he and Alec need to have this conversation someday. The same way my husband knows, intellectually, that he’s not going to come to any harm on a flight.

That knowledge doesn’t prevent the panic response, which is based not upon logic but upon the lived experience of traumas past. Preparation ameliorates it enough to deal with it like a somewhat functional human being, but Magnus isn’t prepared.

Magnus is being triggered. The subject of Alec’s death is taking him right smack dab into a lot of trauma. And he hasn’t had a chance to do the prep work he needs to deal with it.

Also, let me remind you that in 3x01, the theme for Alec and Magnus’s arc this season was laid out, namely that their communication still needs work. So, there’s that too.

Keep in mind that Magnus also doesn’t have Alec’s “take the bull by the horns” approach to things. That’s a brand of courage unique to Alec in this relationship. Magnus’s courage lies in the guts it takes to pick himself up and brush himself off and try again, after rejections and losses and whatever else. They’re both brave in their ways, but they’re very different ways.

Magnus’s coping technique is mainly avoidance and booze. Alec’s is to hit things head on. That means they’re not always going to be in sync with when and how they’re prepared to deal with issues. And that’s okay.

he is SO NERVOUS I cannot remember the last time anything remotely Magnus related made him even a fraction that nervous, oh gosh

He was pretty nervous in the alley in 2x20, but it was a different kind of nervousness. Like, then he was in a very do-or-die place whereas this is something he’s clearly been, like, practicing in his head and trying to find a way to bring it up and finally settles on the shirt.

well you know that IS THE POINT

I don't know why they think we need to be baited though, we're clearly all already invested *snorts*

Yeah, because if that cliffhanger and teaser didn’t do for us, nothing would.

...not that I mind the sneak peek, however.

“@faejilly replied to your post “Between now and Monday you can catch...”

Well, yes, not in a "I'm dying concept" but in a "how do I do this?" concept, fair point. I do think the shampoo might have been part of the impetus? Like, he wanted it so he could have Magnus at the Institute with him, metaphorically, and then probably went all... wait, why don't I go to him literally instead? Better plan! Because as previously mentioned Alec has no chill and would not have swerved if he'd quite come to this decision of wanting to ask earlier.

Yeah. I imagine it’s been a process. First the shampoo in 3x02, then the dinner in 3x03 when it sort of was like, “we’re hosting dinner together, I’m cooking in his kitchen as though it’s ours, we’re saying ‘we’ when we talk about ourselves, this feels like our space” and then in 3x04 when he goes home to Magnus to do his work there and Magnus is plying him with offers of food and drink and taking care of him and then it probably just sort of dawns on Alec that “oh, this is what sharing your life with someone is all about” and now he’s going all-in on that idea because that’s what Alec does.

Nxosnxjskxnsknsidjs alec has no chill and no patience