#malec306

I agree 1000%.

It’s like @faejilly and @janoda and @thedescentiseasypodcast and a lot of other people have said, they are having totally different conversations and don’t realize it. And they’re also both sort of…taking turns being out of line.

Like, in the scene when they first start talking about the box in the apothecary, Alec’s tone on a couple lines was really inappropriate. He didn’t sound as though he were trying to communicate or understand, he sounded as though he’d drawn some unpleasant conclusions and was expecting Magnus to confirm them.

Which Magnus…sort of does. I mean, this was a time when Alec needed reassurance, but all Magnus saw was that he was being confronted with something he couldn’t deal with.

Likewise, as much as I know Alec’s “saltiness” in that first salvo of the breakfast scene amused everyone, it was also inappropriate. They were having a lovely breakfast together and suddenly he just got a little nasty and that’s the sort of thing that is bound to put someone on the defensive and inhibit the possibility of having a productive conversation.

Magnus starts out well in the breakfast scene. He says “let’s talk about it” and Alec…does. Go Alec, yay!

But that’s when it all goes wrong on Magnus’s part, because rather than keep that communication going, he tries to pivot onto Alec’s inexperience. Which, again, was totally out of line. He was absolutely changing the subject and Alec was completely right to call him on it.

Which I suppose just really goes to show how much Magnus can’t handle thinking of Alec growing old and dying on him. I think a lot of people are so lost in empathizing with Alec’s side of things that they’re not seeing what this really means for Magnus.

The experience of loving someone and outliving them is something Magnus has lived again, and again, and again.

I really wish people would think about what that must feel like. To lose someone you love so much that losing them literally feels like dying. You don’t know how you’re going to survive it. But you do. Eventually you begin to heal and you pick yourself up and you continue on with your life.

It’s traumatic. It’s hugely traumatic. And Magnus has done it over and over.

Maybe sometimes the degree of trauma varies, based on a number of factors that may ameliorate it, but it’s traumatic. But Magnus is walking knowingly into that trauma once more.

When he said, back in 1x06, that Alec had unlocked something in him, no one really stopped to think what that meant. What he had locked away, and why.

He knows what awaits him at the end of this, and the only way he can face it and keep walking toward that inevitable conclusion is by not evoking that knowledge. By pushing it back and refusing to deal with it, because if he deals with it, it’s going to cripple him and he won’t be able to–as he says–cherish this time with Alec.

If he lets all that in, he’s going to have to deal with an incredible amount of fear. Fear that Alec can’t reassure him through, because Alec can’t promise he won’t die.

This is fear of a very familiar pain that is never any less for its familiarity. Fear of the possibility that this will be the loss that finally breaks him, fear of not being able to move on when it’s time to be done mourning and feeling that way forever.

Or–possibly worst of all–fear of actually being able to move on after all when the time comes.

Because there have probably been other times when he’s thought “This is it. This is the one that will break me.” and then…it didn’t.

I think people who are judging Magnus for not being able to cope with this discussion well are underestimating how traumatic his history has been in that regard. They want so badly for Alec to be The Only One Magnus REALLY TRULY Loved that they’re neglecting to consider how traumatic the loss of Magnus’s previous loves was.

So, Magnus needs to communicate this to Alec, but he can’t. He can’t open that metaphorical box as easily as Alec opened that physical one.

And he also has to be worrying about what Alec expects from this conversation.

What if Alec wants to hear Magnus say that yes, losing him will hurt more than losing any of the others did? Can he disrespect the memories of those people he loved by saying they didn’t matter to him as much as Alec did? Can he hurt Alec by saying that yes, ultimately he will pick himself up and move on? It won’t be easy, but he’ll do it.

Does Alec want Magnus to promise not to move on? He can’t do that, and if that was what Alec wanted, then it would actually call into question how much Alec actually cares about the way Magnus feels. 

So, yes, Alec is afraid of the future. And it’s a very valid fear. It’s a very Alec fear. Worrying about the future is what he does. But it’s also an unknown quantity.

For Magnus, it’s not. He knows all the steps to this dance. And what is blocking him from being able to communicate effectively on it is opening the door to a pain that has probably threatened to destroy him more than once.

Them my question is would be why bother on Magnus part, if he's tired of losing those he love, why not just have flings for as long as he live and let them know upfront this is what I want this is what I don't want, are you with it or not so they know upfront what their getting into with him and don't expect more but he pursued Alec, told him he unlocked something in him, fell in love with him and now he's afraid of loving and losing a mortal shadowhunter? I don't get why bother if he can't deal with all that comes with that including opening up and them maybe having issues with his immortality and previous relationships because they don't won't to be a burden or feel they dont measure up to previous lovers, why was he not prepared for this being how many times he's been in love and dealt with this, Alec can be a bit more understanding of how hard this is for Magnus too but Magnus is gonna have to open up to Alec more verbally about everything or their gonna push each other away

Well, literally, restricting himself to flings is what he was doing before he met Alec. He was done with all of this. Alec changed something for him, something he didn’t count on and probably wasn’t in the least prepared for, but was compelled to pursue nonetheless because the heart wants what it wants, yo.

Also, you’re sort of positing that any of this is something Magnus is doing intentionally. Which isn’t the case. He’s doing it because he can’t seem to keep himself from doing it.

Allow me to divert for a moment into my biology studies of years past here:

Did you know that most reflexes don’t require input from the brain to happen? They happen in the spinal cord. Those infinitesimal microseconds it takes for the pain impulse or danger signal to travel to the brain and for the brain to send back a command to react and jerk away from whatever is harmful are just too long, so the body literally bypasses the brain altogether and just reacts.

What we are seeing from Magnus here is the emotional equivalent of a spinal reflex. This is totally bypassing his brain and higher thought processes.

Look at the pattern of these two conversations they’ve had on the subject.

3x05: Alec brings up the box, Magnus starts to reassure him on what Magnus thinks the subject is, Alec takes it in the direction of his own mortality, Magnus shuts him down.

3x06: Alec brings up the box, Magnus (thinking Alec is still disturbed by the notion of Magnus’s past lovers) offers to talk about it, Alec brings up his own mortality, Magnus pivots and changes the subject and provokes an argument.

See what’s happening here? Magnus doesn’t shut the conversation down until after Alec brings up his own mortality. Just like jerking your hand away from a flame. His self-preservation reflexes are kicking in.

It’s not deliberate. In fact, I’m pretty sure that the rational part of Magnus’s brain is metaphorically clutching the ohJesus! handle and wondering who this maniac in the drivers’ seat is.

I’m also sure the rational part of Magnus’s brain understands this conversation would have to happen someday. He was just in no way prepared for it to happen this soon. Not less than two months into the relationship, when they’re so happy and everything is so shiny and new. He thought he would have more time. Being confronted with it unexpected is a whole other ball game.

Another analogy:

My husband has aeroanxiety. He has real, actual “my body is convinced I’m dying and I’m not sure I don’t believe it” panic attacks when the plane takes off. It was so bad at one point that for about 15 years, he couldn’t fly. Because the memory of the panic attacks he’d had while flying in the past, and the anticipation of the panic attack he would have when the plane took off, were so bad it would cause him to have panic attacks just waiting to board the plane. He wouldn’t sleep at night before a flight because he was already struggling with anxiety. We booked three trips and missed them before he finally got it under control.

(literally @roseglass can back me up on this; I ended up dropping in on her and her family one night unannounced back around 2000 or 2001 because he didn’t make a flight out when we were supposed to travel somewhere together.)

He can fly now. Because he did a lot of therapy for it, and most of that therapy involved learning techniques to prepare himself beforehand in order to circumvent the panic spiral before it began.

So I’m sure Magnus knows, intellectually, that he and Alec need to have this conversation someday. The same way my husband knows, intellectually, that he’s not going to come to any harm on a flight.

That knowledge doesn’t prevent the panic response, which is based not upon logic but upon the lived experience of traumas past. Preparation ameliorates it enough to deal with it like a somewhat functional human being, but Magnus isn’t prepared.

Magnus is being triggered. The subject of Alec’s death is taking him right smack dab into a lot of trauma. And he hasn’t had a chance to do the prep work he needs to deal with it.

Also, let me remind you that in 3x01, the theme for Alec and Magnus’s arc this season was laid out, namely that their communication still needs work. So, there’s that too.

Keep in mind that Magnus also doesn’t have Alec’s “take the bull by the horns” approach to things. That’s a brand of courage unique to Alec in this relationship. Magnus’s courage lies in the guts it takes to pick himself up and brush himself off and try again, after rejections and losses and whatever else. They’re both brave in their ways, but they’re very different ways.

Magnus’s coping technique is mainly avoidance and booze. Alec’s is to hit things head on. That means they’re not always going to be in sync with when and how they’re prepared to deal with issues. And that’s okay.