But, you know what? I'm going to be okay.

I'm stronger than I thought I could be.

any thoughts abt me? (ty beyonce)

You're suicidal, chaotic, and sometimes questionable. But honestly fun to be around 🌝

I am equal parts confused, terrified and hopeful. He is the love of my life, I truly believe that, even now. I am so angry at him. We promised each other that we could accept each other, that we would support each other, that we would have each other for the rest of our lives. He knows every single part of me, and I feel like i have always known him. Then why has he handed me my single greatest fear. He has abandoned me. And I am okay. 

It would have been so easy for me to have given up. This is the worst feeling I could ever imagine, the kryptonite of the borderline personality. Yet here I am. I’m not going to say I haven’t though about ending it all, but I didn’t. In all the heartbreak by mind has been flooded by one urge after another. “Kill Yourself, make him hurt as much as you do. Let him know that he did this to you.” But I won’t do that. Because as much as this hurts right now and as angry as I feel sometimes, I love him, and you don’t do that to people that you love. And that kind of behaviour just confirms why he would want to walk out on him. I promised him that I could be better, so here I am, being better. 

I’ve had a lot of less sinister urges too. The urge just to message him and ask how he is. I yearn for any kind of contact. He is my warmth, my security, my love. He isn’t ready and I have to respect that. So I bite my tongue, talk to others instead, write blog posts on the internet. My biggest fear is that despite all of my efforts his pride will get in the way, or he won’t love me enough to make the first move, or any at all. I have to prepare for that reality. But I also know beyond a doubt that this is fixable. It seems like such a tiny catalyst to throw it all away for. I’ve been tempted to message people in his life, friends, family. To make sure that he’s alright and to plead my case that this was was an overreaction to the stimuli. But I don’t have the right to do that. He deserves his privacy right now. I’ve wanted to shower him with gifts, to remind him why this is worth fighting for. I tried that, but now he just needs space. 

In the waves of anger I want to scream at him. Ask him how he could promise me a future and then take it all away. I want to tell him that my life is ruined. All my dreams, crushed. But my life isn’t ruined. Without him I can keep going, it’s going to be a hell of a lot harder, but I can do it. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it, juggling finances, mental health and uni. But I’ve made it one whole week without him. I can keep moving. One day at a time. 

I am fighting my BPD every single step of the way. My psychologist is amazed. All the urges are there, but I keep fighting them. I fight because I want to be better for myself. I fight because I want to prove to him that we can be amazing. I fight because I still have hope for my future, with or without him in it. I fight because this is worth fighting for. It’s not easy. It’s not going to get easier. But already I have learned so much. I’ve learned how to problem sole through the pain and create a plan, I’ve learned how to be more self sufficient because I truly hadn’t realised how much I relied on him. I’ve learned how to be alone for a week. I’ve learned that I love him. And that if I ever want to make it work with him, I need to learn how to make it work on my own first. 

This boy is the absolute man of my dreams.

- He sets up my pump sites so I don't have to.

- He reminds me to check my blood sugar, especially if he detects any mood changes.

- He conducts sniff tests on my sites to see if they are leaking.

- He brings me everything I need and let's me stay in bed when I'm having a bad diabetes day.

- He does everything he can to understand, and shows great self restraint in not eating all my lollies.

- and today this absolutely glorious human looked after me when I was sick, holding back my hair as I puked and cleaning all the mess when I missed. He brought me sugar free Powerade and tried to make sure I was at least getting a little bit of food into my system and didn't have ketones.