#rubytextposts

To preface, 3 years ago, this one was the main concept I arrived at!

Me, a toucan! Whose colors could be changed on a whim, blue one being the default. I had put together this pink & green one also:

The toucan concept never ended up being properly actualized though because, while very cool, it felt somewhat disingenuous at the time and, frankly, even more so now! That said, I still admire it for being a very RubyRedux fursona; an emphasis on wild colors, optimism, and the drive to accomplish goals! Would be cool to do some art with this birdsona some day maybe? Not 100% sure.

At the time, I tried some other concepts in pursuit of something that felt more true-to-myself, such as different birds, or sheep, but nothing really felt right. Here's one of the fish from the time though:

Truthfully I can't remember if that was intended as a fishsona or a mascot, but either way, it was a concept and I wanted to share it because it isssssss cute. And relevant!

That being the cryptid furry trout, it's something I was again thinking about. And sheep, and silkies. And being sad, and in pain, and struggling to feel seen or represented, decided to see if I could make a 'sona that communicates any of that.

Anyway, here's what I've been sketching about all week:

A Sheep/Silkie/Crypid Trout type being. Kinda fretting over it being too much like a capricorn sea goat (i'm a cancer, not a capricorn, it feel weird if it's a capricorn-sona?) but eeeeehhhhhh. Figuring out how to feel and interpret the matter. Oh, I was also torn if she would have Plushie as one of her typings. If yes, she jingles a bit. Might say that's true regardless.

was torn about whether to have a huge fish tail (and vertical fin or horizontal fin?) or a small fluff tail. something about having a giant tail sounds heavy and cumbersome and exhausting. switching between both is possible, I'd be sad to lose the furry trout aspects altogether. And then, to have surgery scars or not! To have gotten it or never needed it in the first place! Undecided about how I'd want that feeling represented.

Not sure what else to say about it. Was hoping to put into art what I can't in words, but it's difficult!

she has no nails and she's slow and shaky.

Possibility that she might be able to shift into form of fish (see fish sketches at the top of the thread).

hiiii if anyone catches me reblogging, un-reblogging, reblogging the same thing later, or, like, general unusual blogging patterns, I've navigating ocd-adjacent troubles about it and I'm not doing so well! Mostly I'm telling myself I can blog however I want to, my blog is just an endless collage for my own purposes and I'm fine with that, but I feel nonetheless weird if anyone's on the outside like "???? ruby's posting behavior really weird?" I'd like to offer the context that my headspace has been poor; anxiety up, ocd tendencies flared, and I feel awkward and bad about it orz

Hoping for patience from those who follow this blog 🙏

This is an ocd/anxiety problem. It continues to be hell, trying to generate an island that meets comfortable conditions, and doing so in comfortable circumstances.

I complain!:

Going through some old content, and finding a lot of me being viscerally self-deprecating for jokes! Rough times! orz

retrospective explanation: discovering self-deprecating humor did several things at once for me, 1) allowed me to take control of my emotional pain in some sense, 2) let me express distress while still being socially accepted (I think talking like that was more popular in the 2010s? at least in the circles I was hovering in. Probably concerning at the time nonetheless), 3) softened the reality of being someone who was in deep self-despising distress!

Not a healthy coping mechanism though... 1) subjects other people to it or demands placating and it's pretty intense to put up with? 2) probably something "affirming" to it, that repeating self-deprication so much makes it feel true/enforced in the long run. 3) ... it's mean! to me! I was very mean to me! :'(

Nowadays, I've generally forgotten what the feeling was like. And I'm not going to think about it too hard because I don't want to tap back into self-hatred! It was an all-encompassing way of thinking. I hated myself so much!

In the present, I don't hate myself anymore! And I think that's great. That's wonderful progress to have made. A handful of years at least? These days I'm very at peace with the notion that my problems are valid and we people are all just people in the world existing and figuring things out. I'm not harsh to others, and I don't need to be harsh to me.

I don't wholly regret my self-deprecation phase per se, because I don't know what else I would've done instead and it was just me struggling to process my pain. It was some kind of accessible outlet. Not really healthy, but SOME kind of processing. And, also, like, I WASN'T healthy. And I guess still not, but at least in terms of self-hatred, I don't think about me like that anymore!

Mostly I'm sorry for having been an intense presence at people. Kinda feels like I inflicted people with my pain expression and, like, even though I was desperate to be heard somehow, it's still not fair to people to have to feel like they need to help in solving an impossible task. I worry I'm still a bit problematic about boundaries of pain expression, but I hope I'm perceived as better about it these days!

*head in hands* eeeuuuaagh!

I can't decide what I want this blog to be.

Nice pictures I see?

Just calm landscapes?

All the bright and colorful things I love?

Textpost hell?

Scribbles?

Why not a mix of things?

I don't understand why just blogging based on whims is so hard for me, it feels like it would make sense to blog freely and then the mixture is representative of my interests. But yet, I hate looking at my blog sometimes. I can't fathom what kind of an impression I give people!

One of the plans I'm leaning toward is renaming this blog into an archive, restarting a new rubyrubyrubyredux blog (I spent ALL DAY making myself sick trying to think of if I should do a new name and I couldn't make anything comfortable enough, so I guess I'd just use the rubyrubyrubyredux name again? Suitable!), and then start that blog fresh.

But a clean slate is also anxiety-inducing! And I don't know for sure if I'd want to sever new blog content away from old blog content? But a lot of old blog content just doesn't sit with me the same! I think I'd prefer new!!!!!!!!

Making myself upset and sick euuuugggghhhhh

For the longest time, I had no clue how the Witchlets story would end. Couldn't envision a good or appropriate ending for it. But somewhat recently an ending occurred to me and it felt effortless and like "of course! Of course!!!!!" I think I'm super content with it!

Idk how much I would have to explain the Witchlets story to explain the proposed ending, or how I feel about "spoiling" it, or if I'll end up changing my mind about how to end the story later. But in the meantime, celebrating the success!

I think, throughout life, I have been pretty good at making some varied and interesting character designs! And some interesting narratives? Sure! Started strong, but then eventually I started to really favor comfort concepts and get myself pigeonholed. I think by the time Witchlets came about, I was really like "🤨 I'm sensing a pattern".

And as my ocd/anxiety problems have gotten worse, I think my character designing has gotten, technically, worse. By which I mean, Im just about always trying to be designing comfort notes and not compromising. But also, I don't WANT to compromise with it! I'm just out here making comfort characters!

But I do think if I end up actualizing some art down the line, I feel like I'd inevitably get called out for just doing the samey visuals/tropes over again. Particularly recent concepts. I think the problem might be that none of these projects are getting actualized so I'm not "getting it out of my system"? OR..... It's all my favorite tropes, so inevitability they're getting utilized again. (And can't that be okay!? Like, "*kneads hands together* ah yes, a classic Ruby tallXsmall" or "Wonderful! Another pitiful sad one!" ?????? Perhaps!)

I think I'm worried about being viewed as repetitive and/or cringe about it. But I am trying to overcome any sore feelings about it ahead of time! Trying to arrive at a place of acceptance that my designs may end up samey, but that it's okay to create characters with similar recipes, so to speak. It's for me, they're comfort characters and comfort concepts, and it's fine!