#rogerkin

"Take your AZT" said over coffee when he knew I was avoiding the little pill next to my mug.

"Take your AZT" as he held it out, watching my hand reach out from underneath the blanket I'd hidden under, depression eating at my body.

"Take your AZT" while I accepted food I didn't want to eat for a body that didn't want to live with a mind that just wanted things to stop.

"Did you take your AZT?" on days where he knew I hadn't. Days where I was up, moving around, not curled in with nausea like I was some days.

Pill bottle shoved in my hands when we'd fight about it. "I don't want my friend dying on me." The one time we kissed during the argument and you had to correct yourself awkwardly to 'boyfriend'.

Miss you, Mark. I shouldn't, I think, miss the circumstances of the relationship that we built but I do.

Roger (RENT) #💡💔

I just keep thinking about how Mark, early on in my withdrawals and after April… you know… About how he put up with so much from me. My anger, my outbursts, my screaming and shouting and throwing things. He was there through all of it. Just held me when I was so exhausted and felt so miserable. Rocked me in his arms, helped me clean up when I’d been sick, made sure I was taking my methadone when I was getting clean, my AZT when I finally had it prescribed. He visited me in rehab when I was allowed visitors. He just… he was so good to me. I don’t think I deserved it most of the time.

I dunno where I’m going with this. I miss you, man. I miss you more than I thought I ever could. This has never been a strong kin but I think it’s coz I’ve been working on some writing for some fics and it’s focused a lot on my journey and our lives together.

...Did you know in the NYTW version, during Goodbye Love, there’s this exchange between us?

-

MARK: Why’s it easier to return to a friend than to burn with a lover til the end?

ROGER: Not as much to lose.

[…]

MARK: Anything you need in Santa Fe?

ROGER: I’ll be fine. Make your film.

MARK: Okay… Love you. Call.

ROGER: Love you too.

-

Like, I know I’m clutching at straws here. I know I am. But that was… I think that was when I knew I loved you.

Roger (RENT) #💡💔

Roger (RENT) #💡💔

Roger (RENT) #💡💔