The Republican National Convention
If someone asked me to describe the Republican National Convention in one sentence, I would just say "white" and save the rest of the sentence for something that was harder to describe. Other descriptions I thought of for what the crowd at the RNC looks like include:
* the top two decks of the Titanic * Texas * a NASCAR race without 80% of the rednecks (but not all) * the opening weekend of a Will Smith movie * the audience of an Eric Clapton concert
Ok, the cheap jokes are out the way. I've been in Tampa for more than a week now, which is usually something someone says when they hit rock bottom and they want you to pay for their plane ticket directly to the Mayo Center. My first few days in Tampa I spent at establishments with names like "Odyssey 2001"; "Mons Venus"; and "Thee Dollhouse". The misspelling is theirs, not mine, and is meant to force a pronunciation so as to differentiate the club from any other "Dollhouse"'s. Surprisingly, this is actually a real problem in Tampa, where strip clubs stand on every corner like Starbucks in NYC. Odyssey and Mons, as they are classically and anatomically referred to around here, are full nude clubs - which means they do not serve liquor but only water and virgin Red Bull vodkas. In fact, any club that has any type of nudity (defined as "nipple", seriously) cannot serve liquor. Thee Dollhouse, for instance, features similar entertainment, but all bottoms stay on and all nipples and aureolae (Things To Do Before I Die: #48 use the word "aureolae" in regular correspondence, check!) are covered by flesh colored pasties. The goal is to be alluring and sexy and stay lawful, but I can only imagine it results in strange nipple-less silicone creatures. But as a pay-off, Thee Dollhouse offers fine wine, champagne, and cigars. Yes, you can smoke inside. Just no nursing.
Thee Dollhouse featured actress and performer Lisa Ann in character as Serra Paylin for the Friday and Saturday before the RNC. I was lucky enough to attend Lisa's press conference on Saturday, in which she revealed herself to be actually more well spoken and intelligent than the ex-governor she purports to parody. Lisa spoke candidly, intelligently, and chestily about her 20 years (!) experience in the adult entertainment business, and was one of the highlights of my trip - Lisa was a consummate professional and the whole crew wished we could have covered more of her. She quite ably discussed what she thought would be the biggest issues in the upcoming election (the economy and healthcare), her role as a "den mother" in the adult industry, which is currently in the grips of a Serious Syphilis Scare (and also a decent band name), but declined to say if Democrats or Republicans spend more money in da club (it's Republicans, by a factor of 3 - source: every single stripper I talked to).
But then, sadly, it was time for the actual Convention. We did a good job of avoiding Hurricane Isaac, which was expected to cause millions in damages by delaying thousand of tee-times in the Tampa area. I'll skip ahead to the important parts, and let everyone else talk about the insanity that was Clint Eastwood's speech.
My two big takeaways from the Republican National Convention:
1. Republicans don't lift the seat to pee. I'm no political scientist, but my theory about why Republicans don't lift the toilet seat is simple: Republicans hate black people.
2. Someone seriously smoked a cigar in the men's bathroom. From the smell of it, it was a nice cigar. Let me remind me you that this is the Tampa Bay Times Forum. It is a major sporting arena. The Tampa Bay Lightning plays here (Ok, bad example). Let me also remind that this is a federal level high security event at which the Secret Service has jurisdiction. You can't bring a goddamn umbrella or an Aquafina within 100 meters of the Forum. But you know why someone smoked a cigar in the men's bathroom of the Tampa Bay Times Forum during the RNC? Because they wanted to smoke their fine cigar in comfortable air-conditioning and couldn't be bothered to walk literally 25 feet to the nearest exit to smoke outside. What is this, Thee Dollhouse?
Now, I'm not a Democrat by any stretch, but in those two experiences I learned more about the Republican party than I have in a year and a half of pretending to work in news and a lifetime of watching NBC at the dinner table because my dad put it on so he didn't have to talk to us.
Of course, a lot of speeches happened and I'm sure other media outlets will tell you that in some of those speeches, incredible things were said anyd dangerous ideas expressed that will shape the future of this election, the future of the American presidency, and the World at large, whether it likes it or not. But for this reporter, the things that I will remember from my trip to Tampa are what a naked girl looks like doing a split upsidedown on a pole, and the two Republican bathroom anecdotes above. And really, with just those three experiences I have learned enough about Tampa and Republicans to last a lifetime.
As I finish this dispatch, Mr. Romney has just finished speaking. Ecstatic and probably drunken Republicans stream through the hallways into the humid Florida night with a fever in their eyes, a bounce in their octogenarian steps, and about 2500% more money in their pockets than the average American, even after they just paid 5 dollars for a hot dog. But in the end, there's a half-black guy and a Mormon running for the highest office of the nation that leads the globe in exportation of freedom, liberty, and the pay-per-view pursuit of happiness, starring Will Smith. And that's pretty cool, so God Bless America and may the best man win.
Michael Oshima reporting half-alive from Tampa, Florida. Back to you, Bob.
