#rkkyul

      ●●●●●●      LAST WEEK, ON THE SIXTH EPISODE OF MGA S5 — 8월 1일      ●●●●●●

top three this week doesn’t have quite the same tone or weight as it did before. in fact, it’s not even considered top three. three out of five. for once, his lack of mathematical skills don’t fail him. three out of five, sixty percent, a failing grade by any other standards. in there, between five teams, they’re just middle ground and that kind of news hits him hard. judging by the looks on everyone’s faces, it hits them all hard and he thinks it’s more of a wake-up call than anything else. this week, they have to strike back.

that’s what he wants to focus on, that’s what he wants to keep thinking about, to willingly let his mind run a thousand miles a minute if it means he can think of something constructive, but he can’t. instead, he’s thinking of how seunghun just got eliminated from the nova team. when first and second are announced, he starts thinking of how kyul is eliminated too. he should feel happier than this, should be glad he’s still moving onto the final episode; but all he can think of is how seunghun trusted him enough to work in his studio, how powerful seunghun’s high note was for their performance, how funny it was that the flower hyunggu threw went to the wrong person and technically hit them, of how protective he and kyul were of heejin that whole week they were working together, how kyul easily threw her image away for heejin, and how kyul’s dancing is among the best he’s seen so he’d love to work on a routine with her again.

truth be told, he’d love to work with any of them again.

seeing that ryujin has to go home after this, knowing that he won’t get to hear more of her lyrics and suggestions, that she won’t be the one to help chaeryeong if she has any concerns with rap [because he’s not naive enough to think chaeryeong would be more comfortable with him over ryujin, someone who’s a female and closer to her age], he thinks: should i be here?

he thought he’s gotten over it, thought he let go of it, but his sister’s theories and concerns come back to him again and he slowly realizes they’re also his, just for a very different reason.

heejin and nak are safe. they’re doing beautifully, actually, because their teams placed first and second and minho’s thrilled, proud, glad to have been part of that journey on the mgas because he knew it even before they worked together: they’re talented. so potentially endlessly talented.

that’s the problem, he thinks, because what if he was part of why seunghun and kyul couldn’t continue? just as much talent, just as much potential, just as much willpower and thinking about all of this at once drains him of his own.

ah, that must be it.

he feels drained and, honestly, it’s not a feeling he’s fond of or used to. but he has no time to recover from it now, not when he thinks they need to do something, anything to recuperatetogether and his brother is waiting for him. his brother who flew in to see the show live and the team placed third. pulled this way and that way, he doesn’t know when his emotions settle by the time they reach the restaurant but he knows the role he’s been playing his entire life so he falls back on what he knows how to do best, almost more so than dancing or rapping.

an article or something like that, that’s where he swears he read once that pretending to smile makes you likely to genuinely smile or he could’ve heard it in a movie. it pulls him through the night all the way til chris knocks out on the bed that minho’s forced him to take as the guest. he doubts he’ll sleep much anyway. nights like these feel normal again and he chuckles at that thought, at how he kept going back and forth from having too little time to having more than enough but never sleeping anyway. guess he could’ve went to university after all like his dad wanted, would’ve been a similar sleeping pattern right?

right… he’s not just thinking about it because they’ll be performing for the last time this season in a little over a week. he’s not just thinking about it because his students messaged him asking how he’s doing and if he made it to the final. of course minho can’t tell them but it gets him thinking. what does he say once it’s out? what does he say once the show is over? what does he say if he does or doesn’t get signed?

could he go back to it again? would it make sense to when he keeps leaving once he’s with a company? he’s seen some of them grow up over the years and he’s been trying to keep up with them, trying to grow and mature just as much but he sees it in some of their eyes, how realistic some of them are, how idealistic some are, and even how pessimistic one is about the future, to the point that minho thinks well i can’t leave him on his own. it’s just english lessons, he knows, but it’s more than that to him.

so is this.

so is this and he thinks of how much his greed was already there in the first place. he couldn’t blame the rankings each week at all, not when he’s been trying to have it all for years. even when he thinks of convex, he realizes just how much he tried to hold onto everything.

with his previous students, with the guys, with mijoo.

he told his sister to let him make his decisions, to take the path he chooses for himself, but can he really blame her for treating him like a child in the end when he’s like this? because she does have a point about his lovey-dovey eyes, about how he wears his heart on his sleeve, and his thoughts in every muscle of his face.

it’s just as childish for him to refuse to talk about it with someone, to not bring his concerns to his teammates, to his family, or even to his girlfriend. childish of him to have not finished cleaning his room like he told his mother he’d finish after she left. his studio is still left in pieces and going through the mgas doesn’t make it any better. when seunghun had come over, he kept things tidier, but now they had the use of the studios in the company buildings, the use of equipment he got familiar with before and it gives him an advantage he can’t deny.

he has years on some of the other contestants in years alone. enough years that he remembers his first audition for trc, the first time he was in trc and royal, being five years ago. enough years that season three feels like three lifetimes ago, that living in the dumbtainment house at the time didn’t feel real, that learning from the hyungs he lived with then has brought him here, to a time when he can produce his own song like he did earlier this season.

in the end, does this mean he’s grown or that he’s too old for this? in the end… does it mean he can finish another song by morning and present it the way he’s wanted to for months now? an idea dancing in his head, playing in his head, but nothing he could commit well enough to pen and paper, into explaining to someone else, even seik or dabin. he has all these videos he’s wanted to do with the guys and their new production process, all the people they’ve brought in during the months he was preparing to debut and then did. but nothing. he’s finished nothing.

in the end, does it mean he did peak already?

the idea is appealing, terrifying. he doesn’t understand how anyone can train for years and not feel like there isn’t more to learn, more to do, so how does someone peak at all? how can someone peak if they’re willing to keep trying and going?

who’s limiting who that way? is it the person who passes judgment or the person who foolishly believes it?

consciously, he feels wide awake now but he feels asleep at the wheel. he feels like he’s not moving forward anymore and he doesn’t get it. he doesn’t get it because he stopped trying for a moment. a brief moment, but he had it. earlier, he had it.

fingers glide over the keyboard but nothing sounds right. he’s knocked off tune, off pitch, off the path by loss he didn’t feel the right to grieve at all. he was lucky the first time around. ty made it to the finals with him. so did the friends he made along the way. hell, some of them are still with the company they signed with, one has debuted too.

all the songs he’s performed blend together and all he hears again, all he knows again, isnoise. like an idiot, he’s spiraling once more, thinks of all the wrong he’s done since he was young, from broken vases to broken hearts.

team antidote, he chuckles when he thinks about it again. he felt more like the poison in this case. in the past, he compared himself to water but he’s more like fire, destroying what’s in his path and leaving others to deal with the aftermath.

it was a moment of dragging himself that he didn’t expect to lead to just what he needs.

he’s been playing with fire. they all have been. shows like this, evil editing like what mnet is so known for, it burns but that doesn’t have to always be such a bad thing.

no, in fact, he thinks it’ll be a perfect way to show off their creativity. if he could find that file…

singing lessons, pick-up basketball games, tutoring english again, stopping by the restaurant to help out when he can, skateboarding. he did whatever he could in the months after leaving convex to try and do more. whatever he could until the triple threat audition and he felt like he was back in it, back in the game, back on this road, whatever you want to call it. he felt like he was back and since that day he couldn’t stop trying to piece songs together, making sound bites here and there, writing. he was writing again. piano, guitar, drums. he familiarized himself again slowly, with the guitar, with the drums, with a keyboard but, most of all, withhimself.

he prided himself on it in the past, for being creative. for trying to surprise people every time on the mgas when he did it before. why does he lose that version of himself more than he holds onto it? he guesses the real question comes down to this: how long is he gonna hold onto the wrong things? onto the pieces of himself that don’t quite fit anymore? it’s not about transforming, about creating new pieces, but rediscovering the way he used to be: less concerned with everyone else and more concerned with the performance, letting creativity reign instead of letting fear hold him captive.

huh. that’s an idea too but not one that could work on stage, he’s betting. back to the drawing board and damn does he feel better knowing that it’s messy but brimming with ideas again.

there’s no sign of being nervous when he comes in with the idea the next day, presenting it the best he can and letting them listen to the rough copy of what he’d had before. polishing the audio could come for later, if he knows it can come into fruition, nothing will stop him from finishing it. ideas come together in a flurry back and forth and he loses track at some point, mind drifting to how weird it is being with the same teammates for more than one week now. he’d thought they needed more time to get to know each other, he knows he believed it, but it’s hard to ignore that they’re back with one person less and that quickly sends him back down the slope he slid down the night before. so much for that burst of creativity and energy lasting through the day.

when doyeon sits next to him during one of the breaks, he doesn’t know what to expect. she’s been a great coach so far but he’s just… not so good with words, not when it comes to his feelings. you need cheesy lines? oh man, minho’s your man. you need dumb things to say? headassery? he’s got it in the bag, even if he doesn’t understand what that phrase means but he thinks it’s probably some older version of ariana’s “i want it, i got it” or maybe not… yeah, don’t think it works that way but good enough, right?

he ignores the age difference again, ignores that he was once her sunbae or would’ve been and isn’t anymore, ignores that he’s itching to ask her what she thinks of the songs so far, and surprises himself the most when he asks, “did you know any of the other contestants last season? ya’no, before going on the show together. it’s…” minho chuckles, shaking his head and leaning his head back for a moment before looking at her, trying to be respectful when he knows she’s probably concerned about him. going quiet was too obvious for someone like him, for him.

“i know people are tired of hearing about it, yeah? that i’ve been on the show before… but it’s different this time. the pressure’s different. the stages are different. the people— i didn’t lose this many friends last time. seeing ‘em get eliminated, it’s…” don’t swear, he wills himself. shit, he thinks and, just like the first few weeks of interviews this season, he’s already messed up. good thing he caught himself but he has the fact that it’s doyeon he’s talking with to thank for that. if it had been one of the friends he was thinking of, he might not have caught it.

she’s a coach, yeah, but he knows she doesn’t have to say what she does to him. compared to how considerate she is of his feelings, of his blatant guilt, she could’ve taken the tough love route. he’s heard a variation of it several ways whenever he stops by the studio after practice and dabin or seik think he’s sad when he’s just trying to make sense of everything for himself.

it’s usually ‘you’ve earned it’ or ‘you worked hard for it’ but that doesn’t work for him. he can’t think of any other contestant working any less hard than he is. saying shit like people deserve anything doesn’t make things right in the world. he thinks of it as more of an excuse. but this, this helps. because it’s similar to what he told people when he left convex, it’s similar to what he’d say when people asked if he was okay or if he was giving up or if he thought things were unfair. he didn’t see it like that. he thought of it as nova and sphere, convex, were all part of his journey and he’s taking another path again. but he didn’t apply that logic to this, to eliminations and how far he’s gotten compared to some of his friends.

earned it were two words that just couldn’t settle well with him. deserve falls in that same boat but it feels different in the way that doyeon explains it. the way she says it reminds him thathe is the one who needs the most convincing. alright, maybe the ceos too but that’s just common knowledge right? that one deserves a pass, 4th wall minho demands it from anyone reading this right now.

he thanks her with a deep bow and his voice drops lower when he thanks her one more time for seeing him as choi minho, a contestant, and not anyone else. because the opposite of tough love that he’s received from his friends and family feel like a different type in punishment. he didn’t want to hear that he’s an ex-idol so he must have what it takes, must have the experience, must have the skill. it was like saying you have to be perfect to be an idol and that’s not the case. when he thinks about it, he bets doyeon gets that too. jinsoul and sana too. before they leave for the day, he’s thanking all of them and saying one more time how much he liked their performances the last season. when it aired, he’s sure no one thought this situation would be happening. but like doyeon said, this is his journey, and he’s glad he met them while on it.

there’s another person he’s met so far on this particular journey and while he’s glad to see her the circumstances leave him a little weary. it’s a lunch break that he excuses himself for, apologizing to the team when he slips away and he realizes it seems more sketchy than it is but, hey, a promise is a promise. he’s not gonna flake on it now, especially when it’s kyul. all the sadness and guilt he felt, he leaves behind, pretends it was never a thing when he meets her outside the salon, face mask and all.

the purple hair is shocking [wouldn’t have been if he checked instagram but hey at least it’s proof he’s focused on practice and working hard with the exception of this break] and he’s all compliments about it until he suddenly wonders, “wait… you’re not planning on doing that to my hair too, are ya? i know i said i’ll go to the salon with ya and dye my hair but—” they don’t need to act to seem like they’re fighting this time around and he swears she’s helluva lot stronger than she seems when she’s dragging him inside by the arm. sure, he was faking that he couldn’t stop her completely but damn remind him not to diss ballet muscles ever— he doesn’t but ya’no.

leaving the salon with a new hair color reminds him of convex days again, of course it does, but it also reminds him of coming home in high school with botched blonde hair and his mother’s and sister’s screaming sounding like a chorus as they tried to figure out how to fix it. ah, the good ole days. maybe he should’ve said something about it to the team first— but hey hyunggu has bright hair too. it’s only fitting that both demons do, right?

tweaking and making adjustments where they need to for the choreography and lyrics comes naturally and he’s sadder in a different sense that it’s coming to an end. he feels sentimental and, as different as each of them were, he knows dance unites them all so working together brings his mood back sky high, til there’s no air. ha, get it?

what worries him more as they get closer is their plans for the stage: props, decoration, thespecial effects. he doesn’t have much experience with them either but he doesn’t want to be caught off-guard so he hypes himself up at odd moments reminding himself that if he can survive australian wilderness, how could be he concerned about a few flames?

they’re taking playing with fire almost too literally now.

everything falls into place and he feels at ease when he thinks of how it’ll be on the day of— how they’re ready, how they’ve timed everything, played it all out, practiced and practiced. the singing tips he received from doyeon and jinsoul stick with him the most when they practice for the nova stage and he’s glad to have had coaches who’ve been on the show, who know that thrill that’ll be coursing through their veins as they sing, because, for some reason, minho feels like it’s different.

there’s just a different vibe, a different method, and he struggles to get a certain airiness to his voice in the first few days of running through it. great that he’s on theme but he’d rather not be that literal for this stage too. people might’ve thought it was harsh but running while singing is good for the lungs, for stamina, and so he tries it in the mornings when the others haven’t arrived yet, tries it on his runs before getting there when he thinks no one is around, and he’s not really ashamed to admit he’s been caught a handful of times already.

when the day of surprise interviews come, he thinks he should’ve seen it coming and it really is a shame he didn’t have a rose for the interviewer on the last day but… there’s a tinge of sadness to things for an hour or two. it really is all coming to an end. just to think, he was wondering each week when it would be the end for him. now, the end is coming for all of them.

       ●●●●●●      THE TIME HAS COME, WAITING BACKSTAGE — 8월 10일      ●●●●●●

he saw it before they came in, the lines outside, the signs, the people busking or filming dance covers and he chuckles because it’s perfect timing really and he questions how many of the three thousand in the audience are also idol hopefuls, have also been on the show. he wonders how many are friends and family and how many are genuinely here for a good time. on the third season, minho thought he could’ve said that— that, for the most part, he was here for a good time. today, he believes they’re here to win. it’s like what doyeon told him, he has to decide for himself and he decides that a little greed, a little hope, is good today of all todays.

while they’re able to watch the performances before them, he isn’t sure if he ought’a. if it’ll psych him out or if it’ll make him more jittery, if he’ll be— damn. this mashup is… he’s trying to count all the songs but it surprises him more in the end, like how one is a solo song by a royal artist, another is by the first girl in whiteblue to release a solo and while the songs match each other, he’s confused by the other songs, trying to find the message among the changes in songs but he’d be damned if he didn’t think the choreography looked good. the song reminds him of sphere but the dance makes him think more of nova and he wonders if it’s intentional but it couldn’t be… isn’t sphere also doing trc and he was right to be worried about them.

to see the other teams bring their all, he realizes it doesn’t make him nervous after all because he’s excited to see everything, to see how each person is giving their everything for this. that’s all that matters at this point. giving it your all.

he’s about to ask hyunggu something while nova’s performance is starting when—

holy shit, and oh wait no he should take back the “holy” part because this is the opposite. did they just throw bibles? he can’t believe he thought having rosaries for the “heavenly” decorations would be too sacrilegious.

but he can’t think of that anymore, instead his head is throbbing because they’ve done a similar theme. angels and demons. can he swear now? sorry, cap.

it’s okay, minho, he tells himself. find that excitement again because, if anything, it means eyes will be sharper now, trying to figure out what makes them different. gotta love a surprise, added challenge.

      ●●●●●●      NEXT ON STAGE, PRESENTING TEAM SIRIUS,  EP. 5 — 8월 10일      ●●●●●●

in their outfits, minho feels as if they’re transformed and he hopes it translates to the stage— he hopes the theatrics of the performance translates to the ceos and the audience, that it’ll appeal to just how much trc focuses on creativity, on charisma, on exceeding themselves each time.

they have to see it, feel it, how they’ve exceeded themselves as a team, that this stage is nothing like the last they showed, and neither will their performance for nova.

▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀ PLAYING WITH FIRE x PIED PIPER ♫ NOTE: THE GESTURES & EXPRESSIONS IN VIDEO ARE SIMILAR IF NOT WRITTEN !

the stage is black, no light to be seen until spotlights reveal the four sitting on both sides of the stage in “thrones.” feathers from the angels’ thrones cling to them, falling and trailing behind them when they stand to walk to center stage, to the runway carpet to the “gate of heaven” but they’re stopped by the demons who walk from their own thrones, black feathers having already fallen to the ground surrounding where they sat. the white of their tops, of the roses that adorn their heads, of the wings behind them contrast starkly with the black and red of the suits the demons wear, their clothes visibly more binding.

there is a struggle, a push and pull between angels and demons, because they’ve fallen for the demons who only wish to tempt them into giving up their wings, into becoming captured by them and falling into hell the same way they are, the same way they’re stuck in its fiery pits.

flames have already lit up the stage as the song continues and he feels at home compared to being afraid, as if he’s taken on the persona of his character for the song. it’s not poison, this is your paradise, so don’t close your eyes. the lyrics tie in perfectly in his mind and it’s fitting in some way that paradise is part of his lines, that he’s the one to dance the nod to the MYNAME song when he was once part of the company.

▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀ YOU’RE NOT BEING POISONED COME HERE, I’M YOUR PARADISE CLOSE YOUR EYES, DON’T REJECT ME ▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀

mirroring the lyrics, the song, the lights, the effects, everything from how he and hyunggu help the feathers fall and disappear from the girls’ wings, each step well-calculated so the choreography shows the angels’ fall from grace. like lucifer, like the name hyunggu first suggested, they’re tempted and the both of them are devious in their actions, sinners by the song.

▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀ MAYBE I’M A BIT DANGEROUS LIKED THE PIED PIPER, I’M TESTING YOU LIKE THE FRUIT FROM THE TREE OF GOOD AND EVIL THE SOUND OF THE PIPE AWAKENS EVERYTHING* THAT SOUND BURNS YOU UP EVEN MORE YOU’RE BEING PULLED BY IT I’M ENDLESSLY BLOWING I’M YOUR GUILTY PLEASURE ▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀

the smirk is undeniable, especially when hyunggu finishes their verse by taunting them, there’s no escape. after all, the demons already know the fate of the angels, of the poison that’s taking its course.

each touch of the demons’ red gloves, each “interaction” brings them more to the other side. the girls avoid the red apples without knowing the poison was in the thorns of the roses given to them earlier and minho wishes seunghun could be here too, could see how minho still makes use of red roses in the finale. the daisy should be here too. actually, he shouldn’t think of that right now, not when it would work so well with the angels.

as the angels’ wings become tattered, the work he and hyunggu have done has been revealed once they claim the crowns of white roses to replace them. tossing his red gloves, the crown of white claimed and taken, he replaces the flower crown atop yeji’s head withblack roses. the angels have fallen and the demons have taken over.

▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀ NO AIR ♫ NOTE: THE GESTURES & EXPRESSIONS IN VIDEO ARE SIMILAR IF NOT WRITTEN !

coming off the stage, his only regret is for the stage runners, for those who have to prepare the stage between each take and he knows how it feels. he’s been there, done that, did it foryears in high school to the point that he could figure out exactly which props are the most inconvenient but man is it beautiful. it was more astounding than he could’ve ever imagined and he thinks it must also be the power of mnet.

when he changes into a school uniform, too distracted with all the changes and touch-ups to watch the remaining performances, he can’t believe he’s doing this again and he thinks of the convex members that have expressed support, of whether or not they’ll watch this performance and think of mansae, of when he was still there, and instead of feeling sad, hesmiles.

it was a part of his journey, after all.

when the time comes back around for them, he’s thanking any staff member he can see— hehas been til now but this feels so final again. while this was the second concept they prepared, this was it. this was the last performance they will give for the night and it’s bittersweet, just like the songs compared to each other. the bite of poison, the sweet innocence of young love.

the dance intro felt like they were going back to what they had with whiplash but with a twist, with a breath of fresh air— not the best choice of words since it’s no air but hey let him have this one too, okay?

he’s nervous to sing, to only sing as his second skill displayed in this performance but with the words of doyeon and jinsoul, with the support of his team, of his friends and family, he thinks he could do anything. like his first line after the dance break, because i have you.

▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀ I BELIEVE IN YOU, WHEREVER YOU ARE YOU ARE LIKE THE SUN TO ME, THE ONE AND ONLY ▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀

the line he wanted the most, because it reminds him of home, both physically and metaphorically, of standing under the sun in australia, of seeing the sunset and sunrise, of hisone and only. he hopes she believes him more now, that his last stage won’t be for a while, that this is not the end for him. his journey is taking a few twists and turns but he’ll enjoy every second of it. there’s no antidote without there first being a poison.

▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀ I’M SHOUTING OUT TOWARDS YOU IF ONLY MY LOVE COULD REACH YOU ▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀

if the last performance was poisoned love, this was pure love. young love. love that hadn’t felt the bitterness or cruelness of the word. love that is heaven, no gate of hell in sight.

▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀ MATCHING OUR FOOTSTEPS, LET’S WALK AND FEEL THE MOMENT ▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀

it’s a song about love but when he can take a look at his teammates, when formation allows it, when he can manage a glimpse, he thinks this is about them, about matching their footsteps, their breath, their hearts because of this stage. because they’re able to be on stage.

in the end, that’s what truly makes him feel like there’s no air.

▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀  PAUSE, REWIND ⭯ ››  7월 29일 , I KNOW WHEN THAT HOTLINE BLING 📱

[ TW: MENTION OF INJURY, IMPLIED PANIC ATTACK, *CAPTAIN AMERICA V/O* LANGUAGE ]

“i think you should quit.”

it’s not the first time he’s heard those words coming from his sister’s lips, not the first time she’s said it since he signed up for the mgas again, not the first time he’s sat with his back to the wall in his apartment, the waning moonlight the only source of light in the room as he sighs, head thunking against drywall as he leaves her unanswered. he wishes the time difference was greater, that his sister didn’t work in an industry where she’s awake at the same hours of him, ironically working as late as early morning. usually, it ends the same way. usually, it’s him once again telling her “i don’t know what you want me to say, han.”

an echo because of how empty the room is, because he’s isolated himself for the nth time. because he used to think he was lonely in nova because of the competitiveness but it was also him. a large part of it falls on him, on how he let everything get into his head while giving off the impression there is nothing in his head, no substance to his mind and soul when really he carries it all on his shoulders.

maybe that’s what happened to his shoulder in the past. it wasn’t just because he wasn’t letting himself properly heal for the sake of being signed, for continuing to dance, to live the lifestyle he kept up with. it was because he kept all that tension up there too, gloom in his headspace until it clouded his judgment. that was what turned his vision to black and white.

“are you listening to me?”

a deep sigh. in, out. “yeah.”

“are you sighing at me? you’re lucky i—”

he tunes her out and it’s unlike him. choi minho, who grew up being told that he should listen to every word a woman has to say, every word any person has to say because their opinion is important. it’s theirs, it has merit, it ought’a be heard but this? this? he doesn’t want to hear it again. over and over again, his sister is always right. she can do no wrong.

it’s out of love. he knows that, he knows this, so why is it so hard? his sister who he’s admired for so long even if she thinks that he prefers jake. his sister, who was the first one to show up to one of his dance competitions and scream til she lost her voice so he wouldn’t be sad that his parents couldn’t come, that their father refused to come even though he could, even though he was the only parent in the country at the time. his sister came, holding chris’ hand and insisting he couldn’t let go no matter how embarrassing it is. that’s how she is. headstrong, protective, because he’s not the only one who had to grow up at a young age.

if anyone knows about carrying weight on their shoulders, it’s her.

he realizes, that’s why it’s difficult. he doesn’t know how to tell her that she doesn’t understand when she’s tried the hardest in their whole family to understand him as far back as he could remember.

“—members are coaches and olivia. are you fucking kidding me, mason? you can’t tell me you’re not making goo-goo ga-ga eyes at her like the lovesick fool that you are. i’veseen you.”

hands rubbing over his face, he feels the pressure in his chest, how it rises up his throat and lodges itself right there until he can’t breathe. again, inhale, exhale.

come on, one more time. inhale, exhale.

you can do it, he tells himself, in and out—

shit, fuck.

no, he can’t and the way he struggles sounds like forced chuckling. it feels like it could be if he pulled it off, if he pulled off making it sound like he was just laughing, because it must be a joke. he is the joke and, who knows, maybe that clown wig really foreshadowed the rest of his future on the show.

everything his sister says, he already knows. he thought it, felt it, wanted to run from it for a moment because it was overwhelming.

but why, why, just why does he have to hear this from his sister? his brother’s flight is due in a few hours and he’s going with the guys to pick him up. as soon as chris got the confirmation that he could see the show live, he booked the flight. chris is happy for him, for moving onto the next round, regardless of who showed up on that stage as coaches. actually, part of him thinks chris didn’t realize at first, that he doesn’t care because mason says it’s alright.

it comes with being the youngest, he knows that’s why chris wouldn’t do it but it’s right up hannah’s alley but he just— if he could just breathe.

“stop.” his voice is soft, raw, doesn’t sound like him at all. she asks what and all he hears is her saying “i think you should quit” and the reasons she listed on replay. worse than the it’s a small world song and he thinks he’s seconds away from pulling his hair out.

he couldn’t do it. couldn’t listen to her telling him that he’s being stupid again, that he’s setting himself up to fail, that he’s walking right into their trap, that they keep bringing up convex for this moment, for the moment two convex members come out as coaches and he goes from being in the sphere practice rooms to the trc team.

arguments form in his mind but he can’t get them out, like if they really wanted to fuck with him, he’d be on the nova team with sunmi and wendy, who he trained with before debuting in convex. if they really wanted to fuck with him, if they really knew, if sphere did know who he’s dating, he could find out this way, right? what crueler move than to put him in his girlfriend’s team. but he’s not. he’s not so it can’t be, right? having to ask these questions upset him and he could ignore them, keep them buried or toss them out of his mind because he knows better but hannah makes them stick.

her reasons, his rebuttals, they’re stuck, trapped in his mouth as he tries swallowing his pride to just make it through this call so hannah can say her piece and he can be content with the fact that he tried, that he does what he’s been taught to do, that he listened instead of dismissing her thoughts.

but this doesn’t feel right.

it doesn’t feel right, to feel like this because of a loved one. his sister tells him this because she’s concerned, because she loves him, but fuck he forgot how much love can hurt when he’s been sheltered since the moment mijoo first said she likes him and then when she said she loves him. sheltered until the moment he was asked to give her name and he hurt everyone around him. sheltered because he thought he was safe and he spends every week thinking he’s not despite what others say. other contestants, netizens, his friends. being labeled as a supposed golden boy, as a favorite when he knows a lot of it is probably because his participation alone causes drama and invites competitiveness.

another case of damned if he does, damned if he doesn’t.

every week opens him up to comparison, to judgment, to the possibility of elimination, to the reminder that he’s much older now, that he’s older than… all of the contestants left? probably— it opens him up to someone saying if they can keep up with him, if they can beat him, what kind of idol was he? what was the real reason he’s no longer in convex? it’s an exaggeration, more likely, but he knows it’s there, that some contestants see him as the one to beat and then what? what’s next for both of them? for all of them?

what’s next— that’s what his sister doesn’t touch on and she should. that’s an answer he definitely doesn’t have right now. he just wants to know right now, he wants to know that stage, standing in front of all five ceos again, hearing the audience, knowing he hasmore to him, that he can change, that he can grow again and it could work this time. he might make less mistakes along the way this time.

he hears it again, you should quit, and he has the answer. he’s held onto it for years, kept it to himself like some sacred treasure. it’s validation. when he came to seoul, when he moved his whole life for the chance to be on stage, the mgas gave him validation and he could be too desperate for it after having to leave convex but so what?

she’s seen his performance for the skill battle— the one time he could say it without feeling choked up like he is now.

don’t know why i’m pathetic and don’t have nerve.

he doesn’t want to be like that anymore. he doesn’t care in the end if they’re going to make a fool of him. this is for him. this is for mijoo. this is for everyone who believes in him. everything else is just noise. he wants to keep showing that he’s more than what he’s being called, he want his sister to believe he’s still on the show because ofhis performance.

“please, hannah… i need you to trust that i know what i’m doing.”

he has to grow up sometime, handle his own battles, and she needs to let him.

▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀ PRESS PLAY, BACK TO THE SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING

  ●●●●●●      LAST WEEK, ON THE FOURTH EPISODE OF MGA S5 — 7월 25일      ●●●●●●

those words are weaved with his name again, along with kyul’s and heejin’s, but he doesn’t feel as happy as he wants to be. because top three isn’t the same as number one and he feels guilt settling on his skin the more his feelings unfurl— truthfully, he is happy but he’s happy for nakyung because she won without him, because she proved she is more than her partner, and he feels so fucking relieved when it’s not his burden to bear or he shouldn’t take it on. it is his burden, he thinks, but he shouldn’t let it affect him now, he shouldn’t let it affect his current teammates. because he’s sorry to them, he’s sorry that maybe they thought they’ll get the win because he’s there but they didn’t.

still, he hugs them when they’re told they’re top three, smiles fondly at how kyul and heejin hold hands, and he wants to protect him the same way he wanted to protect nakyung but he can’t. he can’t worry for them at the same time while they’re also each other’s competition and then there’s seunghun. he wants to see seunghun reach the finals too. he wants themall to reach the finals but, even then, there’s a chance none of them could win and he comes to another realization: is he really sorry to them or is he sorry to himself too? is he covering for the fact that he wants to win, wants to stay at number one, but feels ashamed that people think he shouldn’t even be here? he can’t continue to hide his shame or his greed in his fondness for them and so when he talks to both of them after the filming, he apologizes but there’s no welling of his eyes like he’d done when facing seunghun next week.

no, he needs to stay strong, especially after seeing the coaches.

he can’t think about it, he shouldn’t. instead, he places more rules on himself like no looking at his girlfriend even if it’s been months now since he held her, since he got to be with her, since she was this close. she stands closer to jinki and jinwook than to him and he closes his eyes for a second, hears the siren call competing with the background music of convex’s debut song.

he can’t be like this. he can’t. not when he chose this again, to put her through this, to put them through this, he can’t waver when he’s so close. he swears he’ll make it back to standing on the same stage as them again.

standing outside the trc building, he’s unable to take the first few steps closer just like the week before when he was outside sphere. this time, it’s for different reasons. this time, it’s a team he’s working with. this time, they all know at least one person will be eliminated no matter what and he worries he’ll step in there and it’ll be peak competitive hours. what if he walks in and they look at him like he’s poison? he’s choi minho, must be moving onto the finals right? wrong, he wants to tell them all they’re wrong, that he feels the need to fight for his right to be there as much as they do, but that’s not for his team. that’s something he should tell the camera, the audience, something he ought to say to everyone and not just his team who haven’t done anything wrong to him yet.

dinner the night before seemed good. some were shy and some were more outgoing. he’s used to that, feels like he does well in those situations, especially when they’re at the restaurant he used to work at, with his old boss proudly serving them himself and telling stories about how minho was a mess when he started there. he thinks he did a helluva better than his old boss says but he wouldn’t fight with him either, minho adores the old man too much, is fond of him like a genuine uncle, and it makes him more comfortable to be there, to be with his new team for the week. they’re all dancers from what he remembers and while that should be his first hint they’ll be amazing, he knows there’s a chance they could clash over it too.

he’s wrapped up in his thoughts again, standing there at an ungodly hour because he couldn’t sleep and the last thing he expects is for seik and dabin to show up again.

“you guys are like ticks.”

“shit, who peed into your cheerios this morning?”

“it’s barely morning,” seik grimaces, stifling a yawn with his arm before stretching his arms above his head. “when do you sleep?”

“he doesn’t,” dabin says, less jokingly than both minho and seik expect, both looking at him. the youngest shrugs and kicks a stone on the sidewalk. “he did this last week too. it’s like we gotta hold his hand so he goes inside. what would you do without us?” his cheekiness comes back as swiftly as it disappeared for a moment and minho rolls his eyes, reaching out to push dabin away from him.

“i know what i said before,” seik starts off. “but i don’t wanna see you shaking in your boots all the time. you’re making us look bad.”

“yeah, as the official rep of kill.u.strate—”

“woah, woah, woah, who said i’m the official rep?”

“we voted.”

“without me there.”

“same difference.”

he’s laughing and looking up at the sky. the sun’ll rise within the hour, he’s guessing. sunrises and sunsets hit differently now.

“can you go in now since you laughed?”

“we didn’t bring jae so there’s no clown wig in your bag this time.”

“i know it’s there.” there’s a hushed damn from dabin’s direction and minho rolls his eyes once more. “you guys didn’t have to come.”

“you’d do the same.”

“you did the same.”

minho doesn’t look at either of them, knows what they’re referring to and he thinks it’s pointless to bring up now. he made his choice, didn’t go to that starbright audition. yeah, he could’ve maybe signed with nova earlier than he did the first time but who knows if he would’ve made it in anyway? what if it wouldn’t change the outcome and where he is now? who he is now?

all he knows is that he has family and friends who love him and he’d be damned if he doesn’t go in there trying to make more friends despite the competition because he thinks they do or will resent him. it’s not like him. he tells himself this again and decides to go, clapping a hand on both their shoulders before he walks off.

“hyung!” dabin calls out to him and minho knows it like clockwork, turning with a smile and pounding a closed fist against his chest before pointing back. isn’t he letting mnet back into his head every day at this point?

he’d been right about some parts, that there would be a disagreement but it comes down more to their song choice than the choreography or anything else, which is surprising to him. surprising but it feels great too. at least he knows they’re all passionate about it, all have their own opinion, and all want this to work, to work together.

the song is one he thinks of as fun and he enjoys those kind of performances the most. it’s fun but the choreography from the peeks he takes at yeji and hyunggu when they’re working on it while he, ryujin, and chaeryeong work on their raps, reworking and rewriting it to be their own, to be personal, makes him grin because he thinks they might not all have the same styles but they see eye to eye on what the choreography should be for a song like this. that’s all he can ask for, all he wants, and it’s more fun when they work on everything together, the pieces falling in place in a way dancers and choreographers can best communicate: throughmovement.

from icebreakers to shared food to drinks, he thinks little by little they’re becoming more of a team, more of a maybe somewhat dysfunctional family because they’re not all particularly close but he could see it getting there. maybe if they could have more time, maybe if they didn’t have to deal with that looming elimination over their heads despite how well they do.

working with the coaches is different for him and he senses a kind of hesitation or pause when it comes to him. he understands. he’d be the same way at first but he’s also the type to let something go in a second, to brush things off like that, especially the past. minho’s been doing that for so long that he doesn’t think of how it doesn’t necessarily work the same for others so he’s patient, happy when they talk to him without honorifics, without hesitation, and he expresses his appreciation of all of them, as coaches and on the mgas before. age, status, whatever, he thinks he has a chance to learn from anyone at least once in his life.

        ●●●●●●      NEXT ON STAGE, WE ARE YOUR ANTIDOTE,  EP. 5 — 8월 1일      ●●●●●●

their introduction is one he thinks of as cheeky as their performance will be. it’s another dance battle, he realizes, but he hopes the other aspects will make up for it the way they used those differences to help chaeryeong feel comfortable about doing a song by the same artist as her performance the week before.

the set-up is different this week and he has a sense of nostalgia for being able to see everyone in the same room at once, to watch the stage live and mere feet away, when it’s only been a week. it’s like post-concert depression, he’ll call it post-stage depression and chuckle at how he’ll miss filming for the show and it’s not even the last episode yet.

outfits coordinated, choreography perfected, and lyrics memorized, he tries to walk onto the stage last so he can see them all just before they get up there, so he can smile wistfully at how he wishes they had more time: to get to know each other, to work on more songs, to explore all the styles each of them have and learn from each other all over again. he wishes they’ll have another chance to do this again.

nostalgia doesn’t suit the song and after their intros, he changes, he becomes the dancer he was born to be. the performer he’s hoping to continue to be from here on out.

▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀ WHIPLASH ♫ CHOREOGRAPHY IS SELF-CREATED BY HYUNGGU AND YEJI W/ GROUP CONTRIBUTIONS //  ALL RAPS ARE SELF-WRITTEN BY EACH RAPPER // * DENOTES CHANGED LYRICS NOTE: THE GESTURES & EXPRESSIONS IN VIDEO ARE SIMILAR IF NOT WRITTEN !

he takes the first rap verse, the theme of male vs female dance battle hinted at in their formation, in the color of their clothes, in the choreography, and he wouldn’t tell anyone but he thinks the girls’ choreography has the most impact. he’s the more impressed by it, not because the first part isn’t as great, but because of their formation changes and how theylook performing it. he could imagine them promoting as a group and that alone makes him feel like they’re all getting there, like one of them doesn’t have to go home and they can all move on together. it’d be ideal but it’s also more naive than he wants.

▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀ EVERY WEEK, EVERY THURSDAY*

복잡해진 마음, 숨을 내쉰다* I GET MIXED FEELINGS AS I BREATHE OUT

오늘 뭐 실수는 없었었나* DID I MAKE ANY MISTAKES TODAY?

관객들의 표정은 어땠던가* HOW DID THE AUDIENCE SEEM?

그래도 행복해 난 이런 내가 돼서* I’M HAPPY WITH WHO I’VE BECOME

그 때 만약 오지 않았다면 PHONE CALL 형 부모 세게 품에 안고나서 떴지 “아르바*” IT WOULD’VE BEEN DANGEROUS IF NOT FOR THAT PHONE CALL I LEFT MY PART-TIME JOB

어느새 나는 너의 옆 여긴 더 위에서 움직일 공간이 많으니깐 SAID GOODBYE TO MY PARENTS AND MY BROTHER SUDDENLY, I’M NEXT TO YOU

어서 올라와 GIRL SO COME ON GIRL ▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀

his lyrics cater to the story of his journey on the mgas, for all the contestants who have everything riding on this too. as ryujin joins in with him on certain lines, he feels more adrenaline coursing through his veins.

dancing like this, rapping like this again, it’s different than his previous performances. he’s part of a team again.

▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀ 전진 끝없이 달리네 꿈을 향해* I KEEP RUNNING TOWARDS MY DREAMS

점점 날 비워가네 언제까지 내 것일* I START TO LET MYSELF GO 

순 없어 큰 박수갈채가* THE THUNDERING APPLAUSE, I CAN’T OWN IT FOREVER

이런 내게 말을 해, 뻔뻔히* I TELL MYSELF SHAMELESSLY

니 목소릴 높여 더 멀리* RAISE YOUR VOICE HIGHER

영원한 관객은 없대도* EVEN IF THE ATTENTION ISN’T FOREVER

난 계속 갈거야, 계속 랩 할거야* I’LL KEEP GOING, I’LL KEEP RAPPING

오늘의 나로 영원하고파* I WANT TO STAY THIS WAY FOR LIFE

영원히 예능인이고 싶어 난 AH* I WANT TO BE AN ENTERTAINER FOR LIFE ▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀

the girls take over and he can feel the surge of energy on the stage. even as they move into the dance battle, there’s electricity between them. currents running from one person to the next, almost too chaotic until chaeryeong brings them back together, as she did in practice. it’s poetic how they managed to work it in.

SHORTY GIVE ME WHIP-WHIPLASH

this is it. it’s becoming a pattern, how he says this every week. it’s right. this feels right, and he can take that back to his sister the next time she calls.

no, the next time she calls, he’ll make sure there’s no way she could tell him to quit now. this is his journey.  

I WANT TO BE AN ENTERTAINER FOREVER

          it’s perfect  and chaotic  timing that they’re doing promotions, because they’re there ready for the stage but not quite there yet, in the waiting period, small clips in her hair and everything to keep each strand perfectly in place. heading back and forth was worth it though, for the sake of meeting them, for the sake of being able to encourage and possibly help. the lack of time makes her sad and she wishes she could provide more, even with an offer from her sister, ariel doesn’t think it’s quite the same anymore when she isn’t the one personally involved. 

          admittedly, seeing them in front of her makes her a bit nervous and it seems contradictory   —   that one of the coaches would be nervous but she thinks it’s merited given the results team kt kept getting in season 3, especially the team she was in charge of. 

          she sees yuri and thinks of how nice it is that her and xuxi are on the same team again after such a good performance the week before, a performance she’s glad to have seen in person; she thinks of how yuri has such potential to be a power vocal and, in some ways, the song choices, the strength, the potential reminds her of another mga coach this season, her own best friend, mijoo. because of that, she worries, worries that maybe yuri would do better on the royal team or would prefer the royal team. compared to some of the vocals that come onto the show, she wonders why she was chosen again. 

          when baek jiyoung spoke of how each coach had been on the mgas before, she blanched for a moment   —   she’s certain she’s the only coach that wasn’t a contestant before so what does she really have to offer them in the end? but, still, she does think that, in the end, she at the very least has pretty words, such as yuri’s voice is destined for musicals one day, that if sihyeon becomes a skilled dancer, she’d be unstoppable, that nakyung reminds her of eclipse’s very own maknae   —   don’t underestimate her just because of her age and her skillset; there’s so much more to be revealed   —   that yukhei not only has the looks kt is known to scout for but the versatility, and that kyulkyung could probably dance circles around her that ariel would gladly enjoy. 

          “ i think i can speak for all of us when i say we’re glad you’re here! i wanted to start with this: i know they told you last night that one or all of us voted for you and i hope that doesn’t stay on your mind and, personally, i will not say whether or not i chose any of you. ” truthfully, she’s very happy with the team and it’s pretty damn close to her list, certainly close to her top 10 if she’d been given that choice instead of 5. “ because i think the five of you make a beautiful team. no matter what song you choose, the three of us are here to offer advice and cheer you on, whether we’re physically here or not. haseul and i are still promoting with eclipse right now   —   oh, sorry. i didn’t properly introduce myself. ” 

          she laughs at herself for thinking of saying the other part first instead of greeting them more . . . formally? for lack of a better word, anyway. when she’d been a coach the first time, she started with an introduction but, then again, maybe her mind is still reeling from katie lee calling her and haseul dearest. maybe it’s because she felt bad that they were told that at all   —   that maybe they’d worry about it or feel bad, or even think it’s not as much as a compliment as being chosen by a ceo to join the company’s team. ariel understands how that type of doubt feels, how doubt itself, in any form, holds a person back more than it should ever have the power to. 

          “ i’m kim minji, leader of eclipse, a recently debuted group under kt with a day and night concept. right now, we’re promoting our day concept with me gustas tu if you’ve heard it! please feel free to ask questions anytime because, if i’m right, you’ll be practicing all the time, right? ” to be honest, she doesn’t allow anything less if she had the option but she knows she won’t be able to stick around as much as she did during season three. “  there’s a reason you’re here, a reason you’re in the competition, and i hope it has a lot to do with why i’m part of kt: that you have heart and that this is your dream to have a chance to be where haseul and i are now: idols. rookie idols but idols nonetheless. i sincerely hope that if this is your dream, that you act like it. just as important, i want everyone to take care of your health. there’s a reason the day starts at kt with breakfast. because you’ll need the energy to give it your all. eat well, drink lots of water, and please smile because it’s so much healthier for you than frowning. sorry to take up so much time so haseul? luda? please take over before i talk their ears off. ” 

MNET MGA S5     ✦     COACH HEADCANONS

went to visit the team during the waiting period on the 26th

offered her phone number / kkt / snap to any and all members of the team who wanted it

also offered to share her notes on their performances so far ( at least what’s been aired )   —   because of mnet’s notorious reputation for evil editing, she doesn’t have any comments on what’s been aired from practice rooms or interviews 

is secretly anxious about being a coach again despite the significant difference in the level of involvement; she’s actually a little sad that the timing does coincide so much with other events such as promotions and the upcoming vlive / first episode of game development girls airing; they’ll also be leaving for ktworld the day after the filming / the day before the episode airs so she worries about the final round if coaches will still be interacting with contestants 

sends messages + snaps to the contestants she’s in contact with, asks for videos of their practice so she can make suggestions and encourage them ( click click click for example gifs !! ♡ , ♡ , ♡ ) 

his problem: he convinces himself he doesn’t deserve anything

too good at pretending that nothing bothers him, nothing stays on his mind, that he’s anidiot so it must slip off effortlessly right? ignorance is bliss. he thinks this again, but it’s a lie. a sugarcoated lie that can’t be an answer to anything no matter how hard he tries.  

fist clenched as he thinks of what his sister had to say this time, his jaw feels tense, and he has to will himself to stop, has to will himself to exhale. breathe, minho, just breathe. he didn’t think he’d have to tell himself this the longer the show goes on, the closer they are to the final. the truth is, he didn’t think they’d let him get this far and maybe, just maybe, his sister is right. he’s spent all week going back and forth about it, trying to sort out this and figure out that when he misses the days he didn’t worry about any of it.

it’s supposed to be simple. be you. just dance.

but now it’s a string of rules that don’t make sense, results that continue to shake him to the core and he wonders when everything will feel like they make sense again.

  ●●●●●●      LAST WEEK, ON THE FOURTH EPISODE OF MGA S5 — 7월 18일      ●●●●●●

he’d been right, about the greed that was starting to grip his heart.

he’d been right and, damn, well that wasn’t the answer he wanted either. i didn’t even ask, he mentally gripes, because it’s a meme and a genuine complaint all in one. when his name is called, when seunghun’s name is called especially, he feels relieved, excited, too hopeful.

when the winner of the week isn’t them, that greed is flowing through his veins; it’s too late. he feels disappointment settle more heavily than he thought it would. top 3 is good too. more than good. it’s amazing and normally he’d be happy with it, but he can’t deny that people expected him to win, whether they believe in his past or in his experience or his talent. whether they think it’s just his name or because of his performance, because of his performance with seunghun, because they both did beautifully in his eyes— he knows what’s said, what’s expected, and he feels bad all over again that he could be dragging seunghun down.

what if he could’ve gotten top 3 with someone else and won? what if he blamed himself just because of minho? what if people spoke poorly of him because of minho? the competitions he was used to as kid and a teen weren’t like this. you’re a team but you still performance individually at least half the time. you mess up your routine? that’s on you. but this is… ah, he should be used to it by now right? being a trainee and debuting… but it’s not the same. a reality competition show isn’t the same. at that age, he doesn’t remember being as mentally strong as they were. as nakyung. as seunghun. he doesn’t remember being so strongly ambitious, with a specific goal in mind. he had the outline, the generic basics down, but… now, now, when he’s directly paired with someone else and didn’t win, now is when he feels like he took someone else’s opportunity away.

when they’re moving off stage, minho keeps apologizing to seunghun and he has to pretend that the studio is “dry as hell,” using a lame excuse of using eye drops for why his eyes seem the way they do. how does he go back now? how does he rest knowing they came so close and fell short and he could’ve done more? couldn’t he have?

this line of thinking isn’t like him and he feels almost nauseous. there’s some ill foreboding feeling looming over him, goosebumps lining his arms, and he feels haunted. haunted in how his eyelids suddenly feel heavy, how his hands don’t feel like they belong to him the more he waits for the filming to conclude. he barely concentrates during eliminations, only knows a moment of oh hey when it turns out jinyoung and jackson did come back like he was thinking and hoping for.  finding out they’re going to be put in trios is surprising to him. he can’t recall right then and there if they’ve done it before but— the next detail they’ve given answers that feeling he was trying to shake off.

SPHERE ENTERTAINMENT, TRIOS 1 AND 2

no, it can’t be.

he’s reading it wrong, isn’t he?

because why not? he’s suddenly jared, 19, and never fucking learned how to read.

it’s gotta be wrong. send him back to first grade or whatever grade you’re supposed to start reading. is it earlier than that? dammit, why doesn’t he know this or remember? maybe jared is his alter ego.

but he’s happy about his team, he really is. because he’s liked jeon heejin since he heard her sing and kyul is a born dancer. he can’t imagine them not making it all the way on the show and no that’s not why he likes them, not why he likes being teamed up with them. if we’re being totally honest, he has no idea how the three of them will work out as a trio when they’re more evenly split as a rapper, a dancer, and a singer. how do they highlight each skill they have without sacrificing another?

it feels like a classic movie moment when they all meet up and he wouldn’t have it any other way the more he gets to know them over dinner, how they’re all eager to work their plan out, all too eager to give up their own main skill to focus on another for the sake of the group, andthat makes him feel better about this being a competition: that you can still feel like friends despite it all.

they could’ve just focused on one, maybe two skills, considering giving priority to one and hope the rest will work out on stage, any stage they do could be carried by heejin’s vocals, by kyul’s dancing, he knows this, but the fact they they’ll get to work with both in such a fun way… he didn’t think he’d calm down and let go of the feelings from earlier. having heejin and kyul around make it easy.

being alone makes it difficult. being alone lets him think too much again, and again, andagain. being alone means he thinks of everything that’s happened for the past few months and his mind is too restless for his body to handle. leg shaking, fingertips tapping, hair ruffled, tossing and turning in bed when he finally gives up on going through the technicalities of what they’re planning to do, the layout of the stage, the audio, everything and anything but it’s not distracting enough. his mind drifts and wanders only to come back to the same destructive thoughts as if he’s permanently tethered to them.

sleep doesn’t come to him at all.

instead, he’s up way too early, his morning run completed before dabin’s able to call him and ask about joining. he’s confused and laughing, along with jaeseop when they stand outside minho’s room waiting for him to come out of the shower.

“so you’re saying… you already did your normal run and took a shower?”

he can’t see a damn thing but jaeseop is mouthing to dabin that there’s no way minho slept last night. even if they said it to his face, he couldn’t be mad. when he comes out dressed to head to sphere, he’s still distracted, confused. distraught is the one descriptive he misses but it’s damn close to being the most accurate when you add everything up.

seik’s called over before he can say anything to stop them from this parade just so he can head over to the designated company practice room and he’s sighing when seik comes, his first words being “what’s wrong with him?” face scrunched up, he sighs as he leans back in the ottoman, chin resting in the palm of his hand as he leans on the chair’s arm. “why does anything have to be wrong with me?”

the last thing he wanted to hear was a chorus between the three of them of “you’re going to sphere.” there’s a lot he can think of now but all he hears is white noise, static, a light ringing in his ear and it’s probably the lack of sleep, right?

funnily enough, he originally planned on taking his bike or taking public transportation, orhell walking/running to sphere because it was still so damn early. he can’t figure out if it’s the change in plans on the sleep deprivation in this case too when he starts feeling a little carsick. who the hell let jaeseop take the wheel instead of seik? instead, the 2nd oldest of them all is sitting in the backseat with minho and he reaches out to punch minho’s shoulder.

“what?”

“hey, gimme something more than that. we’re not expecting you to, you know…”

it’s weird for seik not to be the most direct one in the vicinity. even with strangers, seik can be a little too honest so he stares at his friend for a while, feels bad that all three of them are there because they’re worried about him.

“i’m good. really. it was bound to happen, right? why would mnet miss an opportunity to set this up?” he does gotta give them that. the only thing that could make it worse is if they add in coaches and he runs into familiar faces more directly than he might today. his plans when it comes to that is to use his prior knowledge of the building to his advantage but… how far can that get him in the long run? it’s not like he wants to avoid anyone… ah, scratch that. he literally admitted it in one of his previous performances— the performance that got him his first win this season and set the stage for the pressure that’s currently on his shoulders.

he is avoiding them so he’s thinking of the best route to take and see the least amount of trainees and staff possible— “did you write a letter this time?”

“huh?”

“don’t you do it every time?” dabin asks from the front passenger seat. “when you t—” seik makes a sound of disapproval that he passes off as a loud grunt and jaeseop’s punching his leg even though he should keep his hand on the gear shift or the steering wheel at least.

dabin does have a point and minho chuckles, leans an arm against the window as he looks out. they’re close now. no going back now. ironically, that’s what he thought when he left the last time too. he thought that was it, that he wasn’t gonna walk through those doors again. whether it’s punishment or to encourage him, he hasn’t decided yet, hasn’t determined it, hasn’t found  the answer.

there’s no letter this time. it feels too early, too soon, in the show, and in general. he doesn’t know the outcome yet, what could he say? what would he say? the truth is, he isn’t sure she read either letter from the last two times anyway but he doesn’t mention it at all when the car is parked and they look to him expectantly.

“uh… alright, thanks for the ride. i’m going.”

dabin’s whining is overshadowed by the grip seik has on his arm before he opens the door. “you know what to do.” it’s too open-ended to any outsider but minho smiles because he gets it, because friends like this, friends he’s had for years and know him well enough that five words is enough to settle him down enough to walk inside, are the only ones he should’ve let know about his relationship. he knows better now. he can walk in with that knowledge confidently, even if it’s the only thing he’s confident about when he does.

when he reaches the sidewalk on the same side of the street as sphere, jaeseop presses the horn, yelling out the window, “check your backpack later when you get a moment!”

… shit, he didn’t realize until now that jaeseop was all over his backpack earlier. god, he hopes it’s family friendly. heejin’s only a year older than nakyung after all and kyul’s a few years older than them. forget the camera, he’s more concerned about what they’ll think.

[oh boy, does he throw that notion out the window real quick]

his mood is more stable when he’s inside. oddly enough, being in a sphere practice roomdoes make him want to practice hard. he’d do it anyway but there’s something about the familiarity that hits him and hits him hard. memories come and go with each stretch and small exercise he goes through while waiting.

why he was he there so early? he feels like he’s been waiting for hours [of course it’s not but a restless mind exaggerates more than ever]

running around the room, push-ups, pull-ups, you name it, he’s tried it to pass the time. at some point, he’s just laid flat out, arms tucked in, rolling across the floor in the hopes it’ll also inspire him to think of more to offer for their routine. it doesn’t end up working but hey five more minutes gone just like that!

his phone rings and he runs into a slide at the last moment, hand digging into his jacket pocket as he’s sprawled across the floor again. “damn,” a glance at the camera in the corner. “can i say that?”

he sends jaeseop’s call to voicemail like nothing, disappointed it wasn’t one of his teammates saying they’re on the way but his phone goes off again and it’s still jae.

“come on, man— what? my back— oh.” he forgot already. looking over at his backpack, he swallows thickly. it can’t be that bad right? and maybe he ought’a open it now while they’re not here.

what he finds is more ridiculous than he could’ve guessed. a fucking clown wig. are they kidding? the icing on the cake has got to be the card with a picture of a clown and a cut-out of his face pasted atop it. of course. of course, and he skims the note for now, rolling his eyes when he sees the mention of a letter to baek jiyoung— no wonder dabin tried bringing it up. to think he thought seik and jae were stopping dabin to protect his feelings.

despite that, he can’t believe this most of all: that he put it on and he’s laughing. one line was clear before he put the card away. “we heard there’s a clown show at sphere.” those punks.

but hey… can’t say they’re wrong either and oh man wouldn’t heejin and kyul at least laugh? it’s funny, right? before he can answer that too, it’s too late when they come in together and he’s biting his inner cheek. shit. when kyul asks how long he’s been sitting there, he has no answer except,

“long enough to put this wig on?”

day by day, sphere is easier to come back to when he thinks of his teammates. even the other trio sharing the practice room makes it fun and between all the food they bring in, kyungsoo’s quiche on his mind days later, to now when somehow the discussion turned to how much he can lift because bro do you even lift—and stupidly he’s lifting kyungsoo, doing squat reps just to prove a point until he ends up doing push-ups on the floor with heejin and kyul sitting on his back.

guess he found his next talent to show off if he’s asked.

his attachment grows day by day too and he’s happier seeing it in their eyes too, in how he and kyul naturally, wordlessly have this agreement to protect heejin and it shows most in the moment they’re practicing the first take with the “vr headset.” it’s custom made but should work ou—

kyul’s yelling for him to go to heejin first by the time he fully comprehends, because heejin is cute with her hair all askew anyway isn’t she, but gotta protect her image. their princess can’t be exposed like this and he’s covering her face, blocking her from the camera with his tall frame as he tries to smooth out her hair. “uh… i’m sorry. sh— shhhhaall we fix this?” minho nervously chuckles to cover up his almost swear. “kyul, you’d be better at this,” he calls behind him but he knows it’s pointless because she’s busy keeping the camera occupied. he forgot goggle hair could be a thing.

    ●●●●●●      ONE STEP CLOSER, JUST BEFORE THE RECORDING — 7월 25일      ●●●●●●

his mind feels rattled and when he listens to kyul and heejin talking before the show, he feels better. calmer. more like he’s not all the labels tied to his name. more than the netizen comments, more than the words of the other contestants, and more than the expectations of anyone outside the three of them. when he sees them, he just wants to enjoy this performance because he’s genuinely fond of them. it’s not that he doesn’t feel as fond of nakyung and seunghun, because he does, but it’s because this time he had to worry more about a group, because the concerns of getting along with one person is doubled when it comes to a trio.

“hey, i know it’s not much but… i have something for you guys,” the boxes are both colors he associates well with them. he has no logic for it but he thinks of heejin as pink, maybe it’s because she also reminds him of sakura, of nakyung, of both girls also in the competition that he feels the need to protect. when it comes to kyul, he thinks of purple although unfortunately the stones on her gift aren’t of the same color. “you know, since you guys are the princess and a huntress… i know the bow and arrow is from a game but hey… she’s also badass right?”

 ●●●●●●      NEXT ON STAGE, MINHO, JIEQIONG, AND HEEJIN,  EP. 5 — 7월 25일      ●●●●●●

seeing the stage after being prepped on it and asking questions, wondering if it’ll be exactly as they pictured and work for their performance— it also brings a certain level of calm to him that’s swallowed up by nerves and excitement when they’re called up. he’d looked out and saw the trio that shared the room with him, sakura, nakyung, seunghun— ah, even daniel. it should make him more nervous, they’re all competition, but he thinks about it again and all he wants is to have fun, just like he did before. he wants this to be the best stage they can perform and, most of all, he wants to know their hard work comes together just as perfectly on camera as it did for all the tens, dozens, maybe even a hundred times, that they went through it in practice.

they’re the royal court and he tries not to laugh at his role, truth be told. doesn’t it suit him? no matter what his sister said earlier in the week, no matter if anyone’s laughing at him, he’ll laugh too from now on the way he has been for most of his life— because the one thing he can control is how he reacts to things and right now, all he wants to do is react to the music once it starts up.

▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀ 뿜뿜 BBOOM BBOOM &&. DNA ♫ MASH-UP IS SELF-PRODUCED BY HEEJIN, JIEQIONG, AND MINHO NOTE: THE GESTURES & EXPRESSIONS IN VIDEO ARE SIMILAR IF NOT WRITTEN !

kyul moves when he does once heejin has the glasses on and he’s moving swiftly, trying to beat her there as he tells her, “no, it’s my song. she chose yours last time!” he slips right into the role of a video game character wanting to be chosen, dancing before kyul can and proudly too.

▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀ 첫눈에 널 알아보게 됐어 서롤 불러왔던 것처럼 I RECOGNIZED YOU AS SOON AS I SAW YOU AS IF WE’VE CALLED EACH OTHER ▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀

coming off as proud is something he barely has to act for because he is. even the lyrics match up perfectly for this mashup and each step, each swing of his arm feels electrified. he’s back to controlling the current and what motivates him most is how heejin controls the melody, the lyrics, how kyul controls the beat. how all of them dance and sing in harmony until the game changes.

▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀ 이 모든 건 우연이 아니니까 BECAUSE ALL OF THIS IS NOT COINCIDENCE

우린 완전 달라 BABY WE’RE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT, BABY

운명을 찾아낸 둘이니까 BECAUSE WE’VE FOUND OUR DESTINY ▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀

looking at each other, they bring heejin into the game and he reaches to take the controller from her, grinning until she’s stolen away by kyul.

he’s the perfect picture of a sulking kid until he rounds them, sneaking up and coaxing heejin to his side. the two songs blend together more towards the end, the lyrics melting into one, and they dance together, not in unison exactly but as a unit.

the last run of chorus is meant to be more fun, a celebration of heejin joining them in the game and he’s sliding on the glasses, controller waved around in his hand as he sways, looking to heejin in the center with a smile.

he learned a lot from the both of them this week. most of all, without knowing, heejin might’ve been pulled into the game but they pulled him out of the one he was losing inside his head.

이 모든 건 우연이 아니니까  ,   BECAUSE ALL OF THIS IS NOT COINCIDENCE