#rkj

“Tell us more! What did he do?” Nicole asks immediate, the gossip hungry hag – affectionately, of course.

“Nothing much to tell,” Roy rolls his eyes. “He’s a little prick, who thinks he’s G-d gift to planet earth and seems to be fucking determined to make it everyone else’s problem. And he fucking hates it here, but it’s not like he can just quit, which he also wants to make everyone’s problem. The boss fucking loves him too, so it’s not like he’s gonna get shit for any of the bullshit he pulls.”

It’s actually a little nice to just get to bitch about Jamie for a bit, get it off his chest. Of course, he can’t go into the details about how he makes Roy feel old and decrepit and how he’s not wrong about it, which makes it worse. But it’s still nice.

There isn’t really anyone else he can complain to. Phoebe is just a child and while Sarah loves him, Roy has never known how to be open with her like this. He’s her steady and solid older brother, he can’t have a petty hatred of his twenty-fucking-two year old co-worker. That’s undignified. And any of the lads are automatically out.

“Well, he sounds like a real wanker,” Janet tells him, making him feel vaguely justified in how much he fucking hates Jamie.

“What kind of stuff is he doing? Isn’t there an HR?” Nicole asks.

Roy can’t really explain that in their line of work, sadly, shitty behavior often won’t result in action from HR, due to the public facing side of it all and the celebrity status of the people involved. Not to mention the money. It’s just the culture. Shitty, but it’s what it is. Roy probably shouldn’t have gotten away with half of the shit he did when he was that age.

So, he just focuses on the first part and replies to that. “He just fucking… swans about, like a little pre-Maddonna prick. Telling everyone else they’re shit at their fucking job and calling me old.”

That gets all of them up in arms, since Roy is by far the youngest there and in any other industry it would be ridiculous to call him old. He will never admit it under threat of torture, but having them all affirm that he is not, in fact, so old he is on the cusp of having his bones turn to dust – which was creative, he had to give Jamie that – is incredibly good for his ego and self esteem.

The conversation devolves into their own horror stories from shitty co-workers, but Roy doesn’t mind at all. He doesn’t like having attention on him and his life outside of yoga for long. This is his space to let lose and potentially losing it makes him nervous.

However, afterwards, he continues to complain about Jamie from time to time at yoga nights. He never gives a name, not even an fake one, just calls him that little prick or some variation thereof. It makes it feel too real to actually name Jamie, like he’s actually talking about a person, instead of just venting.

Because some part of him can acknowledge that his annoyance with Jamie is childish. That, yeah, Jamie is the fucking bane of his existence, but that Jamie is a cock-sure kid just like he had been when he was that age. That he is a grown man, who is just taking all his anger about everything out on Jamie, because Jamie is the one that says what everyone else must be thinking. What Roy tells himself in the darker moments.

Jamie is the one that reminds Roy of how much he hates that he has to be at Richmond at all, that he couldn’t keep up at Chelsea, because he’s in decline and will never become better ever again, that his prime is over and none of the new kids are in awe of him anymore, because the Legendary Roy Kent is no longer there.

So, it’s easy to be mad at Jamie, even if it’s not just about Jamie, because he hears fucking Jamie now when that self-deprecating voice inside his mind pipes up. Which doesn’t help with how much he fucking hates the prick.

However, it’s not as if he can talk about how much Jamie gets to him without sounding like a huge fucking over-dramatic little bitch.

I mean, he fucking kicks a ball around for a living and he’s had a great fucking career thus far and now he’s throwing a fucking hissy fit over not being able to do it as well? About having younger people come in that are better than him? Sarah would laugh him out of her house. She saves fucking lives for a living, what does he contribute to society?

Like he knows, he’s getting way too worked up about Jamie for the fact that it’s fucking Jamie and he shouldn’t care. Even if Jamie is really fucking good at getting under his fucking skin. At making Roy so fucking angry, he wants to break out of his self imposed apathy that he is using to feel better about being at Richmond. He likes his fucking high horse and he refuses to give Jamie the time of day by letting himself get riled up over that stupid prick.

And there is also a small part of himself that can acknowledge that he doesn’t actually want to properly do something Jamie. He’s a fucking pest and Roy fucking hates him, but he remembers the fear he’d felt when the geezer beat him up after his stupid joke. How scary that had been. How he has never wanted to do that to another person, even with all that anger that has always been inside him.

So, he bottles all the anger up and lets it out piece by piece during yoga night. Yoga night is for complaining. He’s safe to do that there.

Janet always talks about her bitch older sister, who never learned how to be responsible and wants to make that Janet’s problem, Linda always complains about the drama that goes on in her church choir, while Maureen is starting to open up about her piece of shit husband she is finally divorcing. Roy can slip his annoying, prick co-worker in there just fine.

Then comes fucking Ted Lasso, who wants to make Roy fucking care about all the other pricks in the locker room and plays fucking mind games with him.

Roy doesn’t complain about Ted, though. Just mentions in passing that there’s a new boss, who’s trying to change the work culture. He had wanted to complain about Ted, but then the yoga mums started to be excited for him that there might be some change, because, “Truly, Roy, your work place sounds very toxic, love.”

“Oh, come off it, Janet, you’re just excited that you know the word toxic.”

“Well, maybe I like being up to date on things like that, Linda.”

And that had made Roy feel a little bad and also resent Ted a little more, because how the fuck is he unknowingly involving Roy’s football free yoga night mums in his little scheme to get Roy to fucking captain these twats?

He lets himself be a fucking hypocrite about it when a couple of week later, he comes back into yoga night and declares: “The new boss is actually fucking onto something and everyone else is smart enough to fucking see it, except for that fucking prick, who insists on being an even bigger cock to everyone around, almost as if he has a fucking point to prove.”

“Oh, that is a bummer, love,” Janet says sympathetically.

“Maybe this new boss of yours will do something about him, though, right? You said your old boss loved him, maybe this one will finally undertake some action,” Maureen suggests, because she is way too optimistic and nice for this world and Daryl is a fucking twat for not appreciating her enough.

“Not fucking likely, since the fucking wanker loves waffling on about second chances and fucking peace and love and frolicking through a fucking flower field,” Roy grumbles. But just because he’s a grouchy arsehole, doesn’t mean he’s knocking Maureen down a peg. So he adds: “But who knows, maybe you’re right. He’s been a surprising fucking clown, I s’ppose.”

“Well, I’ll pray for you, love,” Linda says, because she’s fucking Linda and they all put up with her Christian nonsense, because they all also know she’s a degenerate like the rest of them.

“Probably not necessary, with the nonsense Roy has been telling us about, it’s not really likely the little prick will last long under new management,” Janice says with the sageness of someone who knows her fucking business, which Janice does. She is regional manager herself.

“I, for one, want updates on how this will go,” Nicole butts in. “How has your boss been reacting thus far to all this?”

Roy rolls his eyes fondly at her nosiness, but he doesn’t comment on it, because he’s been dying to complain a little about Ted, even if he can see his point. “With the optimism of a fucking Disney princess.”

As Ted’s attempts to get Jamie into the fold and Jamie continues rearing back like a temperamental horse, Roy keeps the yoga mums updated. He doesn’t really get into it, but does mention every time that “The prick is still being a prick.”

Then Watfort happens, Ted yelling happens, the ghost ceremony happens, and Jamie is suddenly gone.

If he’s honest, Roy doesn’t know what the fuck to feel about any of it. He comes into yoga and wants to just relax and have fun and forget about all the fucking bullshit for a bit. Work is a fucking mess. He hasn’t been this unsure about a season since he was seventeen. It’s exhausting sometimes. He is exhausted.

It’s not until they’re all done with yoga and have gathered around with glasses of rosé that Maureen softly asks: “Are you okay, sweetheart? You’ve been… quieter today.”

Roy lets out a big breath and slumps against the side of the couch – he always sits on the floor because he’s young and spry – as he thinks for a moment. Then he finally says: “My shitty co-worker got forcibly moved to another branch in a different city,” which is the closest to the truth he can get.

He doesn’t know, it all feels weird and sudden, the way Jamie disappeared. Ted doesn’t seem like the kind of person who’d even know he could pull Jamie’s loan – the man barely knows what a loan is – nor the kind of person who would want to give up like that. Because it does feel like that, like they’re fucking giving up on Jamie.

Now, Roy doesn’t give a fuck about Jamie, because he’s a little prick, who knows his foot is kissed by G-d and therefore he thinks he doesn’t have to give a shit… there was just something about him during that curse fire.

“Oh, but that’s good right? He was making a right nuisance of himself, weren’t he?” Janet says.

“Yeah, you’ve been complaining about him for months, why so sour about him now?” Nicole asks, blinking curiously at him.

“I know,” Roy sighs again, swirling his glass of rosé. “It’s just- We had this… office bonding thing,” he starts cautiously.

“Ugh, I hate those,” Janet says, sympathetically wrinkling her nose.

Roy nods at her in understanding, he also hates doing anything for work outside of kicking a ball around and lifting some weights. He continues: “It was surprisingly fucking okay.” He gets some disbelieving looks at that. “There was alcohol.” Nodded understanding. “Anyway, the little prick was surprisingly decent. Freakishly fucking nice, actually. Like he finally got it through his thick little fucking skull that the boss isn’t out to fucking get him. Next day, though, he’s fucking gone. No explanation, no goodbye. Nothing. Just… fucking gone.”

It’s quiet for a moment after his explanation and the longer it lasts, the more insecure Roy starts to feel about it. Shoulders bunched up high, he says: “I don’t know why I’m so fucking weird about it. Glad to be rid of the fucking prick. Just happened weirdly.”

“No, of course, love,” Janice says, patting his shoulder reassuringly. “That is very strange. You have very questionable leadership at your place of work.”

“Tell me about it,” Roy snorts, glad that they’re all being normal again and agreeing with him. It’s actually a big fucking relief they’re agreeing with him. He’s been feeling fucking mental about being weird about Jamie fucking Tartt disappearing like that.

“What do you think happened?” Nicole asks, leaning forwards before conspiratorially whispering: “Do you think there was some sort of scandal?”

With who Jamie is as a person, Roy wants to sneer that it’s likely. However, he has to begrudgingly admit that Jamie actually took his job fucking seriously and seemed pretty okay at staying out of the tabloids most of the time. Fucking annoying arsehole.

“Nothing I know off,” Roy says. “Most likely the boss remembered that he has fucking limits and shouldn’t be taking this little prick’s crap.”

Even as he says it, he doesn’t fully believe it, but then Nicole goes: “Boringgggg,” and Janice chides: “Most times these things are boring. There is no grand conspiracy everywhere. You should get off facebook sometimes, maybe you’d know that then,” and the conversation devolves.

Roy is glad it does. He doesn’t want to talk about Jamie anymore. The little prick is finally out of his fucking life and he has the rest of the season to focus on. Having two competent strikers on the team would have been nice, but Dani is really fucking good. They don’t need Jamie, Jamie isn’t a part of Richmond anymore anyway, so Roy can stop fucking worrying about the twat.

Not that Roy has been worrying about him, because fuck that guy. He’s just glad to be fucking rid of him. He just got twisted up because it happened weirdly, but Janice is right, there is no great conspiracy, Richmond leadership is just incompetent and that? That is no surprise.

So, Roy lets it go. He doesn’t want to give more mental space to Jamie and now that he’s fucked off, he doesn’t have to. He doesn’t even mention it when Jamie starts shit talking the whole team in interviews and then shows up to Keeley’s house like he’s fucking wanted there… which he was. The arsehole. No, Roy lets himself have yoga without football and without Jamie fucking Tartt.

And he’s glad he has done so when football gets taken from him by the prick in question and this is the only place where everyone is normal about it. Of course, that is primarily because they don’t know that football got taken from him, but it’s still nice. He’s already just Roy instead of Roy fucking Kent here, no need to reinvent himself and no pity.

The yoga mums worry about his knee – which he told them got injured by training for a marathon, like he’d ever run a fucking marathon – but it’s not the pitying, ‘oh G-d, what will you do now, are you going to have a breakdown?’ Which is what he’s getting from everyone else.

It’s been nice to just get to be Roy for a bit, in a way where it’s not all new to be just Roy and without all the gawking. It’s been making him feel like a right knob and he doesn’t like feeling like that. He’s not some fragile child, who needs to be sheltered and coddled.

His yoga friends don’t do that and it makes him feel more human to not have everyone waiting for him to do… something? He’s honestly not sure what his sister or Keeley expect him to do if they leave him unsupervised for a bit. He’s done nothing besides fucking lying about anyway.

Besides, yoga night is the one place where he doesn’t have to talk about it. Everyone wants him to just fucking move on from the fact that his career, his life, ended. He’s been nothing but football his entire life. The last thirty fucking years he’s spend, building up his career, and now that’s just fucking gone. Is it a crime to want to wallow in peace about it and not immediately jump up and do something else like it’s that fucking easy?

At yoga night, they know he quit his job, but he never said why. Just told them he’d quit and Janice had nodded understandingly and Janet said: “Good for you,” and that was all there was to it.

They probably think he managed his money smartly and retired early and Roy is not about to correct them. In a way it’s not like they’re wrong anyway and now he doesn’t have to talk about it anymore. He’s fucking sick of people wanting to fucking talk about it.

Naturally, this means that Jamie fucking Tartt has to ruin that for him, just like he ruined football and Roy’s last season, his last match, his fucking knee.

Yeah, sure, it’s not technically Jamie’s fault that Roy wanted to prove he could still run the fucker down, prove that he wasn’t decrepit yet and that everyone had been wrong about him. That was all his choice, not Jamie’s. So it wasn’t his fault. But it feels easier to blame Jamie than to have to live with the fact that he fucked his knee over himself and ended his own career and it didn’t even matter. That his sacrifice of everything he’d ever had, didn’t matter. Jamie got right back up and relegated Richmond anyway. Roy fucked himself over for fucking nothing.

And he’s fucking bitter about it, he can admit it to himself and he’s blaming Jamie, because that’s easier than having to face the fact that it’s over. He likes being able to be angry at Jamie in the privacy of his own mind, because then he is less likely to get angry at the people that are actually there, around him in his real life. Because Jamie isn’t there.

…Except, Jamie is there now.

His smug little bastard face is staring at him from the TV as he goes: “I’m the Island’s top scorer. Sexually,” which to Roy’s horror, the yoga mums absolutely love.

They’ve watched enough shit reality telly together for Roy to recognize when they all latch onto one of the contestants. It’s usually fun. All of them think he’s bisexual – which granted is not incorrect, but usually people don’t assume that about Roy – so he can just chat along with them about it. Like he said, fun.

Well, it’s fun when it’s not fucking Jamie Tartt that they’re latching onto, because Jamie is a fucking prick and a wanker and an arsehole and Roy fucking hates him. And he shouldn’t even be on his fucking TV in the first place!

Jamie is a talented fucking prick, who belongs on the fucking pitch. He did not fuck Roy’s whole career over for him to fucking embarrass Roy after by not being the absolute fucking best. If someone did take him out, it had to be worth it. This? This is fucking embarrassing. And he will not be enjoying any banter about Jamie’s good looks.

That first evening, he just fucking sulks in silence. He tries to let out a protesting noise, but quickly realizes it will do nothing, so he just gulps down his rosé and scowls at the TV mulishly.

However, it seems he will not be able to escape fucking Tartt anywhere. Keeley is fucking worried about the prick, because he somehow left her with a soft spot that Roy cannot fucking grasp, because there is nothing lovable about him. But he’s not going to argue with her about Jamie, even if this stupid fucking decision boils his fucking blood, because Roy can’t play football anymore and Jamie can and he just can’t understand why the fucking prick would toss it all away for a stupid, shitty reality telly show.

So, Jamie is encroaching everywhere in Roy’s life, but yoga is the one place he can complain about Jamie’s presence. He has ruined Roy’s football free evening, but technically Jamie made Roy’s whole life football free, so maybe this only makes sense. Roy can’t escape the twat. He will forever be the fucking bane of his existence.

“Oh, he is dreamy,” Janet sighs, watching Jamie flirt with Amy, tucking her hair behind her ear as he spouts some stupid fucking line.

“He’s fucking stupid,” Roy scowls. “He’s fake as fuck and he doesn’t give a shit about her. And his hair is fucking ugly.” It’s not fucking ugly, which is another thing Roy hates about Jamie.

“Don’t be bitter because he’s young and fit, Roy. Green doesn’t suit you,” Nicole tells him. “His hair is sexy.”

“Very sexy,” Maureen agrees.

“I’m not bitter,” Roy says offended. Because he’s not! Well, not about Jamie being hot and fit. He’s got Keeley fucking Jones at home, Roy doesn’t need to be insecure about anything. He’s bitter because Jamie is able to be on a pitch right now. He belongs there, he should be there, especially now that Roy can’t, now that he took that from him.

“You are a bit bitter, love,” Janice tells him not unkindly.

“Well, if I’m bitter that’s because he’s a fucking twat, who shouldn’t be on this fucking show instead of bothering me with his presence,” Roy complains.

“I don’t know what you mean, Jamie has been absolutely lovely. Unlike some of these boys,” Linda says.

“He’s full of shit,” Roy scowls.

Maureen frowns and says: “I’ve never seen you worked up like this about someone, Roy. If he’s truly bothering you that much, we can watch something else.”

There is an immediate wave of protests that goes through the room and from the way she says it, it’s clear that she would like to keep watching. Roy knows that fucking Daryl always complained about her shows and that she has accommodated him her whole fucking life, before she finally had enough. He doesn’t want to be another person for whom she makes herself smaller, the idea alone makes his skin crawl. This is her safe space too.

“No, it’s fine,” he says. “I’ll just reserve the right to complain about him and say ‘I told you so’ when he inevitably proves to be a massive prick.”

Instantly Maureen lights up, which means he made the right decision. “Alright, you do that, love,” she beams.

“Jamie’s not going to be a prick. He’s a gentleman,” Linda assures him.

“He’s fucking not, but okay,” Roy rolls his eyes. Unlike these ladies, he fucking knows who Jamie is and Jamie, deep down, will always be a prick, no matter how much he’s putting on a show. Because he is putting on a show. Roy can see the vacancy in his eyes, he can recognize it from himself. They’re the uncomfortably same; can’t live without football.

But unlike Jamie, Roy had no fucking choice. If Jamie hadn’t been a fucking idiot, who thought getting his dick wet on national telly was a fucking great idea, then he could be out there on the pitch for Man fucking City, but no. The bitch pre-Maddonna decided he was more important than that. Well, fuck him for that. Roy hopes he fucking suffers.

Despite his condition that he should be allowed to complain, he does try to not be too much of a grouch during their evenings together. If they want to enjoy Jamie Tartt, then he will let them make their mistakes in peace. It’s not like they’ll ever meet the twat and Roy can admit that he is fucking fit.

Still, sometimes they say something and he’ll have to fight the urge to tell them that that prick up there is the same shitty co-worker they all concurred was an arsehole. That they dislike him. That Roy can say from personal experience that Jamie is a fucking prick and they all agreed with him.

“I don’t like how he’s been chatting up that Denise girl,” Linda says a few weeks later.

“Well, I’m not fucking surprised,” Roy replies, biting back the tidbit that Jamie has already gotten dumped in the past for bringing a second date, so this shouldn’t come out of nowhere.

“Maybe he’s just friendly,” Maureen says hopefully.

“Not bloody likely,” Nicole snorts. “He’s proper touchy with her. Makes me wanna find out what that’s like.” She wiggles her eyebrows… well, more like attempts to wiggle her eyebrows. Nicole isn’t very good at it.

“Oh, you slag,” Janet giggles.

“Like you wouldn’t want to know either!” Nicole exclaims through her giggles.

“He does have those arms, doesn’t he. And those abs,” Linda says, looking as if she’s doing scandalous as she does.

“They’re not that impressive,” Roy grouches, because even though they’re not wrong, he doesn’t want to have Jamie’s ego boosted more, even if the prick can’t hear it.

Janice waves his complaint away, rolling her eyes as she goes: “Oh, get off your high horse, Roy. You have been staring at those cum gutters along side the rest of us.”

“Cum gutters?” Janet squeals with delight, while Roy’s face just fucking burns up, because that is a mental image he definitely did not need.

“Yeah, he’s got those big pecs and those abs, don’t he,” Janice smirks into her rosé, quickly taking a big gulp so no one expects her to speak more, while everyone else fucking titters.

At that point, Roy decides that maybe, just maybe, shutting up would be the better strategy. He already has enough descriptions about Jamie’s body that he never wants to think about ever again. It would be best not to encourage them more.

Thankfully, he doesn’t have to hear more of it, since Jamie does get voted off for that stunt he pulls with Denise. It’s clear the prick didn’t see it coming and Roy takes a bit of satisfaction out of Jamie getting the rug pulled out from under him publicly for a change. Serves the fucker right.

With Jamie getting voted off, Roy’s yoga nights, become blissfully Tartt free once more. Of course there are the few comments about him still, because all the yoga mums still fucking love him for some G-d awful reason, but at least it has lessened and become less graphic.

He’s never going to have to deal with Jamie Tartt ever again.

Since the universe fucking hates his guts, he cannot escape Jamie anywhere in his professional life after he’s just gotten rid of him at yoga night. The prick has the nerve to show up at fucking Richmond again, who are now in the Championship League, so Roy doesn’t have to talk about him much, but they still want a fucking comment from him about every little fucking thing the twat does. Like Roy cares. It’s fucking infuriating.

And since Roy is a fucking idiot, who still falls for Ted’s fucking mind games, he’s signing up to actually coach the prick before he knows it. Or more accurately, to coach the team the prick is a part of with no ambition to ever speak to Jamie ever again. The prick doesn’t deserve it. Not after blowing his whole life up for an embarrassing reality telly show – and Roy can say that for certain, he’s been forced to watch the whole thing.

He sticks sternly to that resolution, because while he’s at a point – back close to football once more – that he can admit that maybe it wasn’t Jamie’s fault that Roy has been forced to retire, that doesn’t mean Roy can’t still be bitter about Jamie throwing his whole career away and being petty about it. He is actually quite good at petty, really.

Besides, it’s not like Jamie has truly changed. The prick isn’t capable of that, his stint on Lust Conquers All proved that much. He put up a front there at the start too, but he couldn’t keep it up. Him at Richmond is probably much the same and Roy isn’t falling for it.

… Still, he has to admit, it’s a pretty good fucking act, which is fucking annoying, because that means that no one agrees with Roy that Jamie is still him-fucking-self. Roy knows Jamie, he isn’t changing, Ted’s second chance bullshit just got to everyone.

So, he finds himself back at yoga night, grouching. “I took a new position at my old job again. Part of management now. And the fucker is back at our branch.”

Roy is well aware that he looks like a sulky child, crossing his arms as he slouches against the side of the couch. But he can’t help it! Jamie gets under his skin and Roy has to fucking deal with him to get back close to football and it’s fucking unfair.

“They let him come back after removing him?” Janice checks, looking confused. “I figured he got moved due to disciplinary action. That’s not easy to come back from. Is your boss still the same?”

“Disciplinary action?” Nicole repeats curiously.

“Yeah, the wanker bought into his ‘turning over a new leaf’-bullshit and gave him a second chance and the prick is fooling everyone with his little act, but I know better,” Roy scowls.

Maureen hesitates for a second, then gently suggests: “Maybe he meant it and you need to give him a chance too?”

A part of Roy wants to snap at her that she gave Daryl too many second chances, so maybe she’s not the best fucking judge of character. However, he bites it back. It’s mean and angry in a way he does not want to be. Nice to see that some of that anger management he did after Phoebe was born has stuck around in his brain.

“I don’t fucking think so,” he still says, because he’s not going to fucking agree, now is he? “You can’t change that level of prickness.”

“Everyone can be absolved, Roy, And everyone deserves a second choice,” Linda says.

Roy grumbles more, annoyed that no one is just picking his side. “Maybe, but I don’t want to give him one. They can’t make me.”

“They cannot,” Janice agrees and Roy gets lulled into a false sense of security by it, because finally, someone is seeing sense. “But it’s not pleasant working, now is it? Can’t do any harm to let him try. He could mean it. I mean, how old is this lad, even?”

“Twenty-four,” Roy mumbles, knowing it’ll make him sound like a knob, because he can’t very well explain why his co-worker is so young and how it’s not weird for Roy to fucking hate him. He can see it in their eyebrows and he sighs: “I fucking know, okay. Just drop it.”

“Oh, no, Roy, we do want to listen,” Maureen says.

“Yeah, pour your heart out, love. We’re on your side,” Janet agrees.

“No, it’s fine. Tell me about your fucking patio. Did that hot construction worker stick around long?” Roy deflects, not wanting to do this. He lets Jamie taint enough of his fucking life, he can have a night without him and he is going to take it.

Fortunately, the rest of them let him get away with it, which is appreciated and the rest of the night is very fun. Unfortunately, their words and faces stick with him, so when Jamie humiliates himself for Roy’s amusement just to get him to coach him and Ted tells him he’s being immature, he has to concede that maybe he has been. But he isn’t doing more than the bare minimum. He refuses!

More grating, he has to admit – though only in the privacy of his own mind – that there is something incredibly gratifying about the way Jamie takes to his instructions like a duck to water. The way he winds up the Tottenham Hotspur players at Roy’s signal is beautiful. The fucking prick. Roy can’t stand that that’s fond now.

As the FA cup semi-final against Man City comes closer and closer and the end of the season draws near, Roy has to skip the few yoga nights.

In the end, having to miss yoga night might be the good thing, because he doesn’t even know where to start on the way his whole world shifted in regards to Jamie and if there is one place he would have spilled, it’s with them.

He shared his worries with Keeley of course, but then he was more the rock for her to rely on. He hasn’t been able to voice his own thoughts on the matter. Not beyond a “You’re okay, lad, I got you, you’re safe,” to Jamie, as well as multiple threats to kill his father.

It makes him sick, reflecting on all he’s thought about Jamie, all he’s done to him in his anger and bitterness. Roy kind of hates himself.

Roy hates himself about a lot of things, but Jamie is a big one. Jamie and Keeley, because of course he also cocked it up with her. He fucks everything up, it’s a fucking miracle Phoebe is as well adjusted as she is, honestly.

By the time it’s the off season and he finally makes it to another yoga night, he must look absolutely wrecked.

“Oh my god, Roy, love, are you okay?” Maureen gasps when she opens the door for him, immediately getting the attention of everyone else.

“Uh, I- It- Ja- Me- Me and Keeley broke up,” Roy manages in the end, not sure what else to say or where to even begin in describing how he feels. Roy sucks at talking about his feelings. Sucks at identifying them too. Right now, he just knows he’s a bit of a mess.

Luckily, Maureen doesn’t ask any probing questions about it, she’s nice like that. Instead she just pulls him into her arms and gives him a solid, grounding hug that lets Roy disappear for a moment.

He has never been much of a sharer to begin with and when he offers no more information, they let him keep his quiet. For the rest of the night, they gather softly around him, never letting him feel alone as they chat about their own stuff and make sure he gets plenty of hugs and wine.

Roy is incredibly grateful to them, because he needs people around him right now. Of course there is Sarah and Phoebe, but Sarah is busy and Phoebe is a child. He’s sure Ted wouldn’t hesitate a second to round up the fucking Diamond Dogs, but the thought alone makes him want to puke. He doesn’t like being vulnerable like this with anyone he knew from football. Anyone except Keeley, of course, but he fucked that up, didn’t he?

It’s been rough. He doesn’t want to talk about what happened with Keeley. He can barely face it himself, even in the comforts of his own mind.

The thought of talking about it, makes him crawl out of his own skin. He knows that he can’t hide forever from the fact that he fucked up one of the best things in his life when they all get back to work, but G-d does he want to. He can just imagine the kind of field day Jamie will have with him fucking up and fumbling Keeley, might even try and win her back and Roy will have to watch that.

…Though, Jamie has been fucking bearable. Better. Actually kind of nice. It’s been weird.

Or maybe it’s not weird, maybe Roy is just a fucking prick and an arsehole and just the worst person all around. Fucked up with Keeley and fucked up with Jamie. He’s made an absolute cock of himself with Jamie, threatened him as a captain, ignored him as a coach, before he couldn’t just be normal about it when he realized he was wrong. Had to fucking headbutt the prick, before he could hug him, like he hadn’t held him two matches earlier when he was sobbing his eyes out. Like what the fuck is his fucking problem?

There is just so much wrong with him and while Roy is absolutely not talking about how he fucked up with Keeley and he’s not spreading Jamie’s private life with the yoga mums, he does need to get it out somehow. Roy doesn’t like bottling it all up, it’s just all he knows.

So, when they’ve done their yoga and Roy feels miserable and old with his knee hurting, and they all got rosé filled to the brim, Roy chugs it and says: “I don’t know how to be nice to my shitty co-worker now that he’s not anymore.”

He can see some of the ladies with him exchange looks and shrinks into himself. He knows they’re all aware he’s not talking about Keeley, which he isn’t technically, but it’s not like that. Well, it is, but it’s easier like this. He can just ignore it over summer break. Maybe instead work on being normal around Jamie, since he’ll actually see Jamie whereas he’ll probably never see Keeley again, because he fucked that up… Not helpful.

Hunkering down a bit, he grouches: “Stop fucking looking at me like that.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, love,” Linda says, patting Roy on his shoulder from where she’s behind him on the couch, leaning forward to wrap her arm around him. Her lavender perfume is very calming.

“It’s fucking… fine,” Roy grits, because that’s easier than admitting the assurance is appreciated.

“No, she’s right, we’re sorry,” Janet says. “It just took us a bit by surprise. You can talk to us. Judgment free zone, remember? We’re totes chillex, yeah?”

“Oh my god, Janet,” Nicole laughs, the tension breaking, which Roy is grateful for.

Janet’s continuous crusade to be hip with the kids has been incredibly entertaining, especially since she thinks Roy is a great source for slang, like he is not just telling her stuff that the lads or Phoebe say and hopes for the best. It also has further solidified Roy’s resolve to never even begin to try to get up to date on what is said in the locker room, because he never wants to fucking do that. Fucking embarrassing that is.

“Shut up,” Janet giggles, thankfully able to see the humor in it. Deflecting, she passes the attention back onto Roy. “So, what do you wanna know about this co-worker?”

“Yes, what happened? Shitty co-worker, no longer shitty?” Nicole asks.

“Finally not having a one-sided annoyance with a twenty-four year old?” Janice adds to his shame.

Roy huddles up in shame, as is appropriate given the whole situation. Still, he grumbles: “It wasn’t one-sided, he hated my guts too.”

“I thought you said he turned over a new leaf?” Nicole says.

“He did,” Roy admits, because Jamie fucking had and the prick deserves credit. “He’s better now, hence the no longer being the shitty co-worker.”

A few ‘that’s fair’-noises go through them at that, before Maureen asks: “So you want to be nicer to him? Any reason? What convinced you?”

The memory of Jamie looking scared, all alone in the middle of the locker room, of Jamie flinching when Roy hugged him, of Jamie clutching at him as he wept on his shoulder, it all goes through his mind in flashes. He’s absolutely not telling anyone outside those who were relevant to inform that, he hasn’t even mentioned it to Sarah.

“Prick just grew on me,” he shrugs. Then, with more pain, he admits: “And I feel fucking guilty about being an arsehole to him, okay?”

“It’s very big of you to admit that, Roy,” Maureen tells him.

“You don’t have to be a pre-school teacher here too, love,” Janice informs her.

Nicole ignores them both, leaning over so she can look at Roy and says: “Does he know you’re going to try and be nice to him? Because otherwise I imagine that’ll be kind of a shock.”

“I have been… fucking trying,” Roy says.

“Trying?” Nicole repeats, sounding curious.

“He had a fucking shit day, I gave him a hug,” Roy shrugs, trying to not make it sound like a big deal, even though it was, while staring holes into the floor.

“A hug?”

“Oh shush it, Nic,” Linda says, before turning to Roy. “I mean, that is a good start. That is nice.”

“Yes, that’s good,” Janet agrees.

Janice pointedly asks: “Have you done anything else, or just carried on like normal?” because she knows Roy way too well.

“I don’t know how. He’s still an arrogant little prick, but it’s fucking fine now,” Roy says, since he unfortunately does actually want help about Jamie fucking Tartt. And it’s a good distraction from everything else that has gone wrong in his life. “He’s carrying on like normal, but that includes insults thrown back and forth and I don’t think that’s fucking useful, now is it. And I don’t want to feed his fucking ego, lad’s got enough of that.”

“You can’t want to be nice and then not be nice,” Janice says.

“I’m not, not being nice,” Roy defends himself. “Just not fucking complimenting the prick.”

“I feel like just being civil would be enough,” Maureen says. “You’re not required to be friends with all your co-workers, just as long as you can be cordial. I worked together for years with a woman that was an absolute cunt and it was fine.”

“Oh, Maureen, you do got to tell us more about that,” Nicole jumps on it. “How come we’ve never heard of this hag?”

“It wasn’t that bad,” Maureen says, waving the attention away. “Roy?” she squeaks.

“No, Maureen, I also want to fucking hear this,” Roy says, not showing her mercy. He already opened up way more than he’s comfortable with for one day and her advice was actually helpful. It’s basically what he’s been doing anyway, so that is somewhat comforting to hear. He doesn’t have to be fucking friends with Jamie, just because Jamie was sad all over him. That’s fucking great, actually.

So, Maureen is stuck telling them about her bitch co-worker that she had forty years ago when she first started working. It’s fascinating, Roy didn’t know she had this side to her. He likes it. Good for her.

Afterwards, he spends the break drowning in his own sorrow and self isolation. He hangs out with Phoebe and Keeley, pretending it’s all fine, then spends the rest of the night all alone feeling absolutely miserable. He also goes to yoga night – his sole evening without self pity – but he doesn’t talk about it there, despite Nicole’s pushing and Linda’s gentler inquiries.

Roy likes going back to not sharing anything. He has tried being open with Keeley and that blew up in his face, he’s not fucking doing it again. Locked up is the fucking way to go.

And it’s more fun to not focus on all the negatives and instead look at the positives, like gossiping with the yoga mums about the new season of Lust Conquers All, way better to talk about that, then about stupid fucking feelings.

“I like this new Dylan guy, he’s handsome,” Linda says.

“You can just say you want to climb him like a tree, you know,” Janet rolls her eyes.

“Some of us are civilized,” Linda sniffs.

Nicole snorts: “Tell that to the way you drooled over his abs last time, you said you wanted to lick them, didn’t you?”

“Linda, you cougar,” Maureen giggles.

“I can appreciate a man’s physique,” Linda sniffs, cheeks bright red.

“Let the woman live,” Janice says. They all quiet down and look at her surprised. Indeed after a second, she cracks and smirks: “Linda can’t help herself, she gets excited at the shirtless ones. Remember that Jamie lad, he was right fit, weren’t he, Linda?”

Everyone breaks out in giggles at that and Linda sinks back on her mat to corpse pose, throwing her arm over her eyes as she groans: “I hate all of you.”

“No, you don’t,” Roy says cheerily, because he can actually say things cheerily, he just oftentimes chooses not to. He has an imagine to maintain.

“And it’s not like you were wrong,” Nicole adds. “Jamie was scrumptious. Very sad he got voted off and that he didn’t come back.”

“Yeah, that is sad. I wonder what he’s doing now,” Maureen says. “He was in sports or something, right? Hockey?”

“No, I thought he did volleyball, they had that episode with the beach volleyball, remember,” Janet says.

“But he was kind of terrible at that, wasn’t he?” Janice says.

“Yeah, he was,” Roy snorts with amusement. He got a little nervous when Jamie was mentioned, he always does when he gets brought up. However, it is obvious these women don’t have a fucking clue who the fuck the prick is and it is always a good time when he gets to laugh at Jamie a bit.

“He kind of was, yeah,” Nicole says. “We should look up what he’s doing now!”

“No!” Roy says, before clearing his throat. “Fucking no. I’m not giving that twat more clout and I don’t want to see his stupid face.”

“You’re always so rude to him,” Linda gently scolds him, which is a little embarrassing and Roy hoped that no more attention will get pulled to this. He’s already feeling pathetic enough.

“Go on, Linda, protect your man,” Janet hollers, which sets everyone off again and gets the attention off of Roy. So Jamie does not get searched and Roy’s face next to him will not pop up on any smart phone in this room. Thank fuck.

So yes, locking it all up inside him and just focusing on the positives and not allowing himself to feel any of the negative emotions and distracting himself is working out great for him.

And in fact, he believes that the best he can until Amsterdam.

Amsterdam makes him realize that 1) horrifically, he is friends with Jamie, and 2) maybe his locked up strategy is not working like he’d hoped. Though processing that is rough. He does not want to be Jamie’s fucking friend and he doesn’t want to open up. He wants to wallow in the misery of his knee hurting after all that running and not say shit.

He comes limping into yoga night, growling a bit at Janice when she gives him a sympathetic look. She can take it, she’s never much impressed with him anyway. It’s why he likes her so much.

Due to his knee fucking with him, he mostly sits on the couch while the others do yoga. Though, as always, if one of them has to sit out due to various ailments, none of the others try as much, so it’s more of a slow stretching session.

“You okay, Roy?” Maureen asks, Janice must have put her up to it, everyone knows Roy can’t say no to her when she asks something.

“Yes, I’m fine,” he says, hoping to keep it short and simple.

“Are you sure? Nothing happened, did it?” Maureen checks.

“I’m absolutely fine, just went running all over Amsterdam with Jay-” he thankfully cuts himself off before he can say the whole fucking name. Fucking fuck. Why the fuck did he say that?

Five heads now turn to stare at him and he wants to disappear a little, but he tries to go for an innocent, guileless look, which really doesn’t work as well for him as it does for Jamie. Indeed, Janice raises an unimpressed eyebrow and repeats: “Jay? In Amsterdam?”

“You have got to tell us who this Jay is and what you two were doing in Amsterdam,” Nicole says gleefully.

Roy now has a choice of what to say. What he is going to commit to here. He can lie right now and not admit to anything, but it feels a bit wrong to lie here. Even though he is never going to tell them that it is about Jamie fucking Tartt.

Despite all his lies and omissions, he’s a lot more open with the yoga mums than he is outside. Unlike the rest of the world, they don’t expect him to be the Chelsea Hardman, football legend, so it’s easier to share.

With how much his strategy of bottling it up maybe, probably, most likely hasn’t been working – seeing that he’s taking it out on Jamie, which is making him feel like a piece of shit – this could be good for him. Ted and his fucking Diamond Dogs already know way too much about him, if he needs to talk to anybody, he’d prefer it to not be those nosy fucks. He has nosy fucks here, who he likes a lot more. The Diamond Dogs have fucking Trent.

The yoga mums don’t know all the complicated history between him and Jamie, but enough that they won’t be stupid about it. Maybe it might actually be nice to admit he’s friends with Jamie to someone who isn’t going to make fun of him about it for the rest of time.

“Uh, Jay is… my no longer shitty-shitty co-worker,” Roy finally admits, the admission almost hurting, which is aggravated by the fact that it falls quiet for a moment.

“You went to… Amsterdam with your ex-shitty co-worker?” Janice asks, which is honestly better than ‘no longer shitty-shitty co-worker’.

“It was a work thing,” Roy grits, because he forgot how that would sound. “We’ve become friends… kind of. I’ve been fucking helping him with work stuff. He also runs, I overdid it.”

“Oh, you two are friends now, are you?” Nicole says, obviously intrigued.

“Kind of,” Roy repeats insistently, because he can’t take too many hits to his reputation, even if these ladies have no clue what his reputation is.

“So, you and this Jay are kind of friends? That’s an exciting development, innit?” Janet smiles. “The whole being nicer to him thing worked out?”

“A little,” Roy admits reluctantly. “He’s actually pretty fucking good at his job and taking direction to grow when you take the time.”

“Ahw, well I think it’s lovely that you took him under your wing and are there for him,” Maureen tells him. “It sounded like he could use some guidance.”

Uncomfortably, Roy shifts, because Jamie could have used some guidance from the start… maybe from his captain, but Roy hadn’t fucking been there for him. Not for far too long. Guilt eats him alive sometimes when he thinks about it for too long. So he doesn’t. He’s still sticking to that strategy for now, fucking thank you. “It’s not a big fucking deal.”

“No, of course, not, but it’s still nice,” Maureen quickly assures him.

“So, he’s the energetic sorts, isn’t he? I mean if he got you to overdo it on a work trip run,” Nicole says suggestively.

“Oh have off it, Nicole.”

With the yoga mums knowing, it becomes a sort of routine to tell them a bit about Jamie. He’ll just mention how Jay has improved so much this week, or Jay was an arsehole but in a fond way, or how Jay went on a big work trip that is bound to be a promotion for him. It’s weird how Roy can’t help himself and finds himself wanting to share Jamie’s achievements with these women.

He knows part of it is fucking bullshit, but he cannot tell anyone else that he’s proud of Jamie, even though he really is. No one will let him live it down. Fucking hell, Sarah invited the prick to Uncle’s Day just because he mentioned him a couple of times, if he ever let the words ‘I am proud of Jamie’ pass his lips, no one would ever let him forget it. Jamie especially would be insufferable about it, he remembers his fucking face when Phoebe said Roy talked about him. No, thank you.

It might be childish, but he cannot, under any circumstance, face the embarrassment of admitting this to anyone. He’s pretty fucking sure people knowing he is doing yoga and watching trashy telly with a group of women in their 60s is less embarrassing than people knowing he is proud of Jamie and is actually his friend now.

Roy likes keeping things to himself, even if he’s giving the opening up thing a try and it did work a bit with Keeley. He’s just not ready for that. He likes this little arrangement instead.

“So, Roy, how’s Jay doing?” Nicole asks as he comes in, because she always does. She’s convinced Roy has a little crush on Jamie – which is not true – so she always needs ton check.

On another day, Roy would roll his eyes at her and tell her he’s still being a fucking nuisance, but after a weekend in Manchester, he hesitates. After a second, he says: “Better now. He had a shit weekend, but it got better.”

“Oh no, is he okay?” Maureen asks, genuinely concerned, the others following suit with small frowns on their faces as well.

“Fine now. Fucker had to… completely turn it all around at the end, like a little peacock,” Roy assures her. “Just had a bit of a crisis before.”

“Well, I’m glad he’s doing better,” Maureen smiles gently.

“What kind of crisis?” Nicole asks.

“Family stuff,” Roy grunts, cutting it short. As much as he is trying to talk about stuff more, he isn’t spreading Jamie’s private business.

“I hope everyone’s okay,” Nicole says and means it too. Despite her nosiness, she does genuinely care about whoever she is gossiping about and understands boundaries. It’s the only reason Roy tolerates and sometimes likes her sticking her nose in everywhere.

“Everyone’s fine,” Roy says, because he’s not a monster, now is he?

“Oh thank God,” Linda replies.

“That’s good to hear,” Janet agrees.

“Yeah,” Maureen nods.

“It is,” Janice says, then pauses for a beat as she eyes him up and down. “Why do you look like you got caught with your hand in the biscuit jar when you talk about it?”

Again five heads turn to him. Roy shifts for a bit, he’s still got his mat under his arm. He feels like being called in front of the headmaster or some shit. Proper scary stuff. And he knows that he could take them if needed, but still.

“Oh?” Nicole grins curiously. “Roy got something to confess about it? Spill.”

“Yes, spill the tea, Roy,” Janet nods.

“That sounds wasteful, doesn’t it? And Nicole will have to clean it up,” Maureen says.

“It’s slang, Maureen, love.”

“Ohhhhhh.”

“Anyway. Roy?” Nicole redirects the conversation back to him, just when he thought he’d gotten out from under it.

His plan is to just stare at them and growl until they piss off, but he’d feel bad doing that and they are really good at staring. So after barely a minute, he cracks. “I cocked it up and accidentally made him fucking cry at work and I feel really fucking guilty about it, because I should have fucking known something was up with him.”

The silence quickly becomes shocked and Maureen gasps: “He cried?”

“What did you do?” Nicole asks, face aghast.

“I didn’t do anything on fucking purpose!” Roy exclaims, suddenly feeling defensive.

“Not on purpose, so you did do something?” Linda asks, because despite her denials, she’s as into getting the latest details as everyone else.

“I didn’t realize he was up in his head and gave him a stern pep talk, because that’s just how we fucking talk, but then he started crying, so yeah, I fucking made him cry and then I asked Keeley to help, because she’s actually good at this feelings shit and then she made it worse, and I am the one that asked her, so I am the one that made it worse by proxy. Twice,” Roy rants, finally letting the guilt out, because G-d dammit, he has been feeling fucking guilty about it.

“Oh love, that wasn’t your fault,” Maureen tells him, comforting hand on his arm.

“Well, it still fucking feels like it,” Roy grumbles.

“It can feel awful to upset someone you love,” Janet says.

“I don’t love him,” Roy grouches.

“You just care for him then?” Janice asks pointedly.

“No.” G-d, Roy really doesn’t want to be fucking doing this. It’s already complicated enough with Keeley maybe starting to see something in him again and then her and Jamie being friends. And he doesn’t want to think about feeling anything about Jamie. He has already been forced to admit they’re friends, he’s not doing anything fucking else.

“If your say so,” Janice says.

“Well, he sounds hot and fit from the way you talk about him and if he gets along with Keeley, then I’d say he’s a keeper,” Nicole says.

“It is important that they can be friends with your friends,” Maureen says, her face a little grimaced, likely remembering that shitstain Daryl, who couldn’t be arsed to take an interest in even a single fucking aspect of her fucking life. The arsehole.

Janet reaches over to Maureen and gives her a comforting squeeze, which wipes the grimace away in turn for a grateful smile.

“Suppose that’s important,” Roy grumbles, because it is, but he also isn’t stupid and he’s maybe also a little insecure. “Jay and Keeley are very close.”

“Too close?” Nicole asks, not even too nosy, more like she’s bracing for impact and ready with sympathy.

“Exes, but getting close again,” Roy admits. “They’ve always stayed friends, even when I was dating Keeley.”

“That must be hard, love,” Linda says.

“Maybe. I don’t know. They’re pretty fucking good together,” Roy sighs.

“You’re just going to let either of them slip away like that?” Janet asks, brows furrowed.

“Not like I fucking want to, now is it,” Roy grumbles, crossing his arms. The yoga mat can fuck off, he is sulking, let it fall.

“I’ll put on the kettle,” Nicole announces. “This requires tea and a sit down. Yoga can wait.”

Since that had been his exact same sentiment a second ago, Roy can’t really protest too much, even if no one could know that’s what he’d been thinking. So, he lets himself get led into the middle of the circle so they can sit down and fucking discuss his love life. Apparently. Fucking hell.

Once they all have tea and are all settled in, they all turn to Roy, inviting – more like demanding – him to discuss the issue at hand. Roy briefly considers gouging his own eyes out, so he can get away from this, but decides not to in the end. Ted had been fucking onto something with his Diamond Dogs and talking about feelings and shit, and he feels a lot more comfortable here than at fucking work.

“I just don’t want to get between them when they can do so much better than me, you know,” he finally says. “They’re both fucking young and successful and they don’t fucking need me, now do they? Their careers speak for themselves and I got nothing to fucking offer them.”

“Roy, my love, who the fuck told you you needed to offer something up to be loved?” Janice asks him, taking him aback by the sentiment and the swear. As much as they never minded his language, none of these women are known to swear.

“Uh…”

“Oh, Roy, love, you’re breaking my heart,” Nicole exclaims, pulling him into a hug. “You’re a catch, I mean it. And you deserve all the love. No questions asked.”

“Exactly,” Maureen nods.

Roy flushes with the nice kind of embarrassment. He can logically know that that is a general thing that is true and thus also applies to him, but he doesn’t want to confront that right now. So he deflects: “I fucking know that. I just meant that I’m probably not their first fucking choice.”

“I don’t know, Roy, sounds like they happily spend a lot of time with you,” Janet points out.

“They also spend a lot of time with each other,” Roy points out right back, because he is nothing if not self-sabotaging.

“Well, that doesn’t have to mean anything. To me it sounds more like the three of you spend a lot of time together. They might be open to all of you dating. You know, three doors down four people live together, who are all dating or co-existing in one way or another. It’s quite modern,” Nicole says breezily.

All of them stare at her for a second with various expressions on their faces – Roy himself had never even considered it, it always felt like he’d have to let one of them go, or resign himself to be a third wheel forever, neither of those options preferable – and Nicole says: “What? I am hip and happening, I’ll have you know.”

“Of course, love, you are,” Janet assures her, before turning to Roy and asking: “So?”

They get exactly zero yoga done that night, instead talking Roy through the pros and cons of doing something and sorting through his feelings. It’s very obvious that he is not exactly telling them everything, but they let him have that. It’s nice.

Roy comes out of there feeling less awful about not noticing Jamie was going through a tough time and even more convinced of his feelings for both Jamie and Keeley. Not to mention the blessing of his friends and their encouragements to go for it. That he does bring something to the table by being himself, that they will love him regardless.

He doesn’t go for it immediately, still wants to mull it over and not fuck Jamie up for the last stretch of the season, but he does grow used to the idea. Of course, he can’t run away from it like he would usually do, since the yoga mums demand updates at every yoga night, but it might be for the best.

Because he remains steadfastly himself, he nearly cocks it up when he invites Jamie out for drinks, but he manages to pull it together after the match. It is probably one of the most uncomfortable experiences of his life to have to sit both Jamie and Keeley down and talk about his fucking feelings, however, getting to spend the off season waking up between the two of them is most definitely worth it.

The yoga mums instantly know he finally did it when he comes to yoga and they pop open the good bottle of bubbles that Roy brought to thank them for helping him drag his head out of his own arse.

All in all, it’s really fucking blissful.

When the season starts again and Roy has to face Rebecca about the whole thing, he nearly just resigns as gaffer just so he can escape it, but Keeley doesn’t let him. She also does most of the talking for them all, which is fucking appreciated, because if Roy had to, he might have exploded. So, he is more than happy to let her talk and then sign whatever the fuck needs to be signed.

Between the three of them, they have decided to not come out since they don’t want it to fuck with any of their fledgling careers. Keeley has just started up KJPR on her own strength, Jamie is far from peaking as a footballer and it’ll be Roy’s first season as head coach. Slander in the press won’t do any of them any good.

However, because they are all some of the least subtle people on earth, they also agreed that they could tell friends as long as they knew how to keep their mouth shut. Seeing as the yoga mums don’t even know who he is, they’re not going to run to the press any time soon, so Roy doesn’t feel bad about sharing for a second.

“How are your partners doing, Roy? Still in the honeymoon phase?” Maureen asks.

“I don’t do a honeymoon phase,” Roy scowls, because he fucking doesn’t, he gets intense and stays intense and this time, with Jamie also there, who does the exact same thing, they manage to not drive Keeley away with how attention needing they both are. Though he’s not saying that.

“Oh come on, you told us how you cooked a whole three course dinner for them a few weeks ago. That is totally honeymoon phase behavior,” Nicole snorts, which is rude, that had been because Keeley had landed a big project and totally deserved.

“Yeah, and you all went to the aquarium together,” Janet adds, which is also rude. That had been for Phoebe’s sake and because Jamie has always wanted to go and it was the last weekend before the season truly took off.

“Face it, Roy, you all are attached at the hip. It’s a miracle we even get to see you anymore,” Maureen laughs not unkindly.

Roy can admit that the way this is pissing him off is a little childish, but he can’t help it. He’s in love with his partners, sue him, but he’s not sad pathetic fuck that has no life outside of them. He makes time for his friends, he just got a promotion that is making him busier.

Crossing his arms, he sulks: “We’re not fucking attached at the hip, we work and live together, not like I can fucking help that. But we all have social lives. I fucking make time for you guys, just like they do for their friends Jay is going out with his friends next week and Keeley has girl’s night. I could even host next week if that’ll make you fucking feel better.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, love, we didn’t mean it like that, you don’t hav-” Maureen is cut off by a loud Nicole going: “Sounds like a plan, Roy.”

Internally he curses, but it is too late to turn back now. Over the past few years, Roy has tried to keep the yoga mums out of the house as much as he can. He’s hosted maybe twice in all the years they’ve hung out, the whole time scared to death they’ll find something that’ll tell them that he isn’t a random nobody. Everyone has always respected his privacy, but he knows they’re curious too. He can’t just take it back now.

At least he won’t have to bend himself in a million different knots to get both Jamie and Keeley out of the house, since they already got plans. Of course, he otherwise could have just asked Keeley to take Jamie out, since she knows, but he is glad he doesn’t have to.

It’s not that he is purposefully keeping something from Jamie that he isn’t hiding from Keeley. It is just that she already happened to know and Roy is pretty sure that he will die from embarrassment if Jamie ever found out. It’s different with him, they already have more of a dynamic where they take the piss out of each other and this is free ammunition, but also, unlike with Keeley, Roy has made an absolute twat of himself in front of the yoga mums about Jamie. The chance of him ever finding out Roy watched a second of Lust Conquers All makes him want to explode a little.

So, yeah. Jamie can never find out.

Naturally this means that the prick comes waltzing back into the house a week later after Roy has carefully planned the arrival time of the yoga mums to not overlap with any of the times that either Jamie or Keeley are in the house, while also giving himself enough time to hide anything that might be a clue to their identities.

They’ve put all of their yoga mats on the floor, but everyone is still busy sniffling around his living room with unrestrained interest. Roy feels both a little bad and a little amused about how eager they are to glimpse a bit more of him. He can’t help he isn’t big on sharing. He’s already as open as he gets with them really.

At that point, he hears the front door open and his stomach drops when he hears a familiar voice call out: “I know you’re being a boring old cunt tonight, babe, and I’m not here to disturb you, swear down. Just goin’ to pick up me toolbox. I don’t know what Colin did to his sink, but it exploded water everywhere and I- Oh, uhm, hello?”

Jamie is standing in the door opening of the living room, staring at the gaggle of middle aged women that are now inside Roy’s house with his mouth and eyes slightly open, sentence now abandoned.

The yoga mums stare back, Roy can see how one by one their eyes boggle and the shock comes over them as they realize that THE Jamie Tartt is standing right in front of them. They’re all processing and trying to piece together what this all means.

In the end, it is Nicole who finds her words first, shrieking: “Jamie Tartt is your shitty co-worker turned boyfriend?”

“Shitty co-worker?” Jamie complains, not knowing what is going on but not letting that stop him from giving Roy a headache.

Thankfully, he is somewhat overshadowed by everyone turning to Roy to demand answers he had hoped to never have to give. Awkwardly he grunts: “Did I not mention that?” like he didn’t deliberately not mention it.

Seeing that he is struggling, Jamie steps in, because despite their bickering, there is an affection too. He steps forward getting the attention back on him as he says. “Okay, hey, I seem to be a bit on the back foot ‘ere. You all seem to know who I am, but I’m afraid Roy-o here didn’t tell me that you were coming or who you lovely ladies are.”

When they realize Jamie Tartt is speaking to them, the yoga mums all titter before they all shake Jamie’s hand as they introduce themselves. Jamie smiles at all of them as he does, being personable too, despite still not knowing what they’re doing in their home. Roy is reminded of how fucking good Jamie is at this sort of stuff. It’s fucking sexy.

Once they have all made their acquaintance, Jamie asks: “So what’re you all doing hanging out with a grump like Roy? I see yoga mats?”

“Oh yes, we’re Roy’s yoga club,” Maureen smiles.

“Roy’s yoga club?” Jamie replies, his brow rising on his forehead with faint amusement as he turns to Roy much like he’d done when Phoebe had revealed that Roy talked about him at Uncle’s Day.

“It’s good for your core,” Roy grunts, because what fucking else is he suppose to say here?

“Your core,” Jamie repeats in that same shit-eating tone.

“Yes,” Roy grits. “Don’t you have a toolbox to grab? I’m sure Colin doesn’t fucking appreciate drowning.”

“Nah, the lad’ll be fine. I turned the water off,” Jamie assures him. “This is much more interesting. You all seem to know each other well, but I’m your shitty co-worker? That's dead rude, babe.”

“Shitty co-worked turned boyfriend,” Roy reminds him. He knows Jamie is more insecure than he lets on, he’s not taking the chance to let that fester.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Jamie waves him off, apparently unaffected or too distracted to be so yet.

“We do yoga with Roy. We started out at a community club, but it got shut down, so we take turns hosting now,” Janice explains.

Nicole adds: “And I can see now why Roy always wiggles out from his turn. Worried we’ll get our claws into your boyfriend, love? That why you didn’t tell us you knew Jamie Tartt?”

As she speaks, Roy can see the confusion return to Jamie’s face as he realizes they’re confused about the two of them knowing each other. Which is pretty fucking valid, their careers have become one and the fucking same these past few years.

Then Janet says: “Yes, Roy, you never said you worked in sports. If I’m honest, I thought you were an accountant.”

“An accountant? The Roy Kent an accountant?” Jamie shrieks, unable to hold it in anymore in the face of such slander. His tone startles all of them and he quickly goes: “Oh, uh, sorreh. But accountant? Really?” He looks over to Roy helplessly, clearly needing to be hoisted out of his befuddlement.

Roy sighs.

“I’m sorry, are we missing something?” Linda asks, looking between Roy and Jamie.

Jamie looks at Roy again, who sighs once more before waving a ‘go ahead’, not like he can save this shit anymore. Jamie says: “Well, Roy’s like the biggest footie legend and an aces coach. He’s mad famous. How did you not know tha’?”

The description of himself is a nice little ego boost. He knows Jamie is a bit of a fanboy, but it never hurts to be reminded of how much Roy means to him. How he’s not a has been called Roy.

“He is?” Janet frowns, her expression matching that of the others as they all size Roy up, squinting as if they can see famous tattooed on his forehead all of a sudden.

“Sorry for not saying shit,” Roy finally says after a moment, because he does feel a little bad about lying for so long. “Was kind of nice not to be recognized and having to be Roy Kent for a bit.”

Realization hits Jamie and horror dawns on his face. “Oh my god, I just totally fucked this for you, didn’t I? I’m sorry, babe.”

“It’s okay,” Roy says immediately, since it’s not fucking Jamie’s fault now is it. He moves over to where Jamie is and pulls him into a hug. “You didn’t know, it’s alright,” he assures him further, pressing a small kiss to the side of his head.

Behind them, the yoga mums all coo at the little display, making Roy blush, but he refuses to let that affect his behavior. They already know anyway, he can be close to his fucking boyfriend if he wants to.

When he does step back, Jamie is smiling again. Then, because the universe hates Roy, he goes: “But wait, if they didn’t know who yous were, then how they know me?”

Roy braces himself as Nicole cheerfully says: “We know you from the telly! You were our favorite on Lust Conquers All. Really explains why Roy was so adamant about not liking when we watched.”

“Enemies to lovers!” Janet gasps, equally excited as Jamie grows at the revelation.

“You watched me season of Lust Conquers All?” he asks Roy gleefully.

“Fucking don’t,” Roy warns him, knowing it won’t be heeded.

“You were obsessed with me,” Jamie crows. “I knew it. What was your favorite part? What did you think? Were you petty about it? Tell me everything.”

“I was forced into it against my will,” Roy lies.

“No need to be embarrassed about that, love,” Linda assures him. “We all knew you liked him. And it’s not like we don’t know how besotted you are with him now. It’s sweet.”

Roy’s face only gets hotter and Jamie is looking like a puppy with a new bone. “He talks about me?”

“All the time,” Janice says, giving Roy a smirk after she does, the witch.

“He does?” Jamie asks, a tinge of awe at the edge of his delight that makes it hard for Roy to cut off his fun. Jamie must know he can’t shut up about him, right? Roy let him know that.

“Yes, of course. He’s so proud of you, comes bragging every time you have had a new accomplishment,” Maureen says. “Same for Keeley of course, but he’s so invested in how far you’ve come. He truly loves you.”

“And he really meant it, he weren’t taking the piss or owt?” Jamie checks.

“Jesus fucking Christ, you’re acting like I don’t tell you I love you every fucking day,” Roy intervenes before he dies of embarrassment. If this is Jamie got from the past few months of dating, then he really needs to step up his fucking game. G-d dammit.

Jamie scuffs his foot on the floor a bit and shrugs: “I mean I know it, yeah, but ‘s still nice to hear, y’know?”

Instantly Roy softens again and he cups Jamie's cheek and says: “Well, it’s true. I love you and I’m proud of you.” Jamie lights up at the praise, once he has, Roy adds: “Now go fix Colin’s fucking sink and let me hang out with my friends.”

Not wasting a second, Jamie starts to pout: “That’s unfair. This is so much more interesting! You have like a whole secret life an’ cool friends. Why can’t I get to know them?”

“Because they are embarrassing,” Roy replies, projecting his voice to let the others know the pointed remark is aimed at them.

The yoga mums all snicker and smile innocently at that.

“Colin will live,” Jamie argues.

“Colin is without water right now,” Roy points out.

“He can call an emergency plumbing service.”

“Aren’t you the one always complaining that their prices are outrageous and predatory and you can just do it yourself?” Roy counters.

Jamie puffs up in frustration, because it is his exact gripe that he has voiced loudly on many occasions to anyone who’d listen. Growing up poor and living with his mum means that Jamie has become quite the handyman and no matter how much he makes, he still can’t get over those prices. So he’s really dug his own grave here.

“Fine,” he deflates. Then turns to the yoga mums and says: “But know that I’d love to hang out with you all an’ hear more about what Roy said ‘bout me, and him watching Lust Conquers All. You all seem great and I’d ditch the lads in a heartbeat.”

That causes them all to giggle and blush and make promises to get Roy to bring him sometimes — which Roy just knows Jamie will bug him about until he gives in — while Roy forces Jamie back out the door, after the lad got his toolbox. Though he does stop to give Jamie a kiss goodbye, because he’s not a fucking monster.

When Jamie is gone, he points at all of the gathered women and says: “Not. A. Fucking. Word.”

“Our lips are sealed, love,” Maureen smiles, a twinkle in her eyes as she does.

“Mine aren’t, I’ll need to be bribed with info,” Nicole says. “Just how did you manage to bag heartthrob Jamie Tartt?!”

“Don’t call him a fucking heartthrob, his ego is big enough already,” Roy grouches, like he hasn’t been spouting worse to them the past few months. Yes, he’s a fucking hypocrite, sue him.

“Oh come off it, Roy. Spill the tea,” Janet insists, looking quite proud of herself for having taught everyone that bit of slang, since they all know what it means and turn to Roy expectantly.

Roy shamelessly lets out a long groan, but settles in for a night of interrogation. Secretly he doesn’t mind too much, he does love bragging about his partners. It’s almost bonkers now, looking back, that Roy never even meant to talk about Jamie to begin with.

~~

A/N:

I feel like the yoga mums are one of the most iconic things this show have given us and the fact that Roy has watched the entirety of Lust Conquers All is a gift that will never stop giving <3

Also really funny to me that Ted was trying so hard to get Roy on the Diamond Dogs, while Roy just has his own emotional support sharing group that he’s just not telling him about for no reason other than he just doesn’t want to xp

I’m pretty good and open to most ships on some level. I’m a ‘will try most things once’ sort of reader. However what I’ve learned about myself is that what interests me more is character dynamics and characters struggling with themselves rather than a lot of the popular romantic and/or sexual tension/buildup/catharsis tropes (slow burns, enemies to lovers, etc) I get why people read them, I’ve read them myself and enjoyed them, but I’ve come to accept that it’s just not what I personally want to write about

A few years ago I co-wrote a fic with a friend (the man from uncle fic), and my friend IS good at the slow burn, yearning, pining thing - in fact, hearing her talk about how much she enjoyed it and why was a big factor in my figuring out what I didn’t like about it and why I was struggling to write it. This is good! I think more people should consider branching out beyond the usual fandom offerings, but also that they should think about what’s not satisfying them and how find it- or how to make it themself, which is what I’ve been doing. Exploring the stuff I like to try to find what makes me happiest to write about

Which seems to be mostly jokes and psychological trauma with a side helping of people spending quality time with each other and supporting each other. And it turns out that a lot of the things I enjoy writing and reading (comedy, action scenes, ensemble dialogue) are the things that other people aren’t as comfortable writing, so I get to fill a niche as well!

Now. To go back to your question

I’ve always said I’d be interested in exploring what’s up with TedTrent. I think there’s a lot of intriguing potential in their interpersonal interactions and their overall dynamic as two middle aged divorced men. I’ve also commented before on the interesting parallel with Ted and Michelle and the way that Trent and Dr. Jacob both had very professional responsibilities to each of them, but whereas Trent gave up his career for the sake of doing right by someone he respected, Dr Jacob proceeded to date his client

I’ve also started a borderline crack fic that’s just Ted, going through a mild sexuality crisis, who keeps coming up with more and more euphemistic ways of saying he’s got the hots for Trent because he can’t quite bring himself to say it like a normal person ("He makes me want to ask my grandma for her blueberry casserole recipe" <- guy who has it bad)

Im also of course a big fan of Jamie, so I’ve read and dabbled in writing RKJ, RoyJamie, SamJamie, and DaniJamie, and Sam/Dani/Jamie. My take on Sam/Dani is that it’s a pairing that seems like it should work but i haven’t figured out what that looks like yet. Dani has a very hyper restlessness to him, and Sam a very calm one, so I think they would need to take breaks from each other

I’ve had half a mind for JanJamie as well, but I then I made up my own elaborate headcanon for my future fic so now I prefer them more as future coaching work husbands where Jan is very practical and steady and Jamie is the one with the creativity who inspires people and together they fight about football strategy until it’s time to go to their respective homes and then they do it all over again the next day. Which is the sort of wildly specific headcanon you can’t possibly expect someone else to have

I also made a post a million years ago about Jamie, Keeley, and Rebecca going to pride together and being confused for being an impeccably gorgeous queer threesome, and frankly I’m still here for that, although I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Rebecca/Keeley/Jamie fic in the wild. Honestly though, going back to what I said before: what I really want is the dynamic. I just want them to hang out together. Maybe I should send them on a spa day together — I already gave them a smoke break together, maybe after that they agreed on a spa day

Also BarbaraBeard sounds fun, for two characters who I don’t think ever met on screen. I feel like they would enjoy watching hockey together — and maybe Beard would forget about Jane if he found a woman who seems willing and able to deadlift him over her head

Whoever made that post years ago about how it looked like Colin and Moe were texting each other - you made a compelling point. Add to that the knitted scarf and Colin thinking Moe is the fittest one on the team, and ColinMoe sounds fucking adorable. They’d be so weird and confusing together and they’re both very passionate about very specific causes. I see it. I see the vision

I can’t believe I’ve never seen a word about DaniThierry. Come on. I’ve somehow had this in my pocket since season one and then season three gave us Dani smiling through being an absolute menace to him and Thierry being unbearably cringe but in such an earnest way (his “I like short walks on the beach” Bantr video fucking killed me I died)