#rittenhask

This was pain.

It was a sensation both unbearable and intoxicating, a fire that consumed him from within yet left him feeling more alive than ever. This was not the kind of affliction that could be soothed by magic's touch or healed by any mortal means. It was a wound of the soul, an incurable ache that defied remedy. His heart was a burning thing in his chest, the flames and heat radiating to every inch of him. He thought proximity would assuage it. But being near stoked the fire. This was pain like he had never felt, and he’d be lying to himself if he didn’t say a large part of him thought it was exquisite. 

He would take this pain at its height for the rest of his life instead of the dull, dormant ache it used to be. He welcomed the pain, embraced it as a small price to pay for the chance to be near her once more. 

But as Ember shook his head, the feverish turmoil within him refused to abate. His mind had been burning since he set foot on the living ship. No. It had started the moment the Nightmare Krew stepped through the door in the backroom of the tavern in Reva. The coals of a fire he had thought he’d stifled flared to life in his chest when his old companions walked in but there had been one member suspiciously missing. Where was she? Was she hurt? Why had she not come? 

So many questions. So many doubts. So much unsaid between them. 

He’d gambled on her unseen presence in that room, on the hope that she was alive and she had come for him. Although she used what little magic she had sparingly, she too, had a specific scent and Ember caught it faintly in the room.  She always spoke about magic and how she could smell it, never realizing that she herself had a scent. Her magic smelled like clean, cold air in the winter. She was hiding and well if his new patron hadn’t sensed her. 

His gamble paid off, she was there with him and the Nightmare Krew. Invisible and whispering into his ear in a manner that implied an intimacy he thought he’d forfeited months ago. Had he been standing, he was sure his knees would have buckled at the relief of her being alive and being there for him. 

With every passing moment, the flames of longing burned brighter, threatening to consume him entirely. And though he ached to reach out and take her in his arms, he knew that to do so would only fan the flames further. So he remained still, trapped in torment of his own making, yearning for a touch he dared not seek.

In that moment, he had sought to wound her - wound them all, to sever the ties that bound them. Yet, in his heart of hearts, he knew it was a feeble attempt to deceive himself. He had tried to convince himself that his chapter with the Nightmare Krew had closed, that his connection with Lilith had been extinguished. Yet, as he felt her slip away into the shadows, the flames within him flickered, diminishing but leaving behind a raw ache that gnawed at his soul. And in that ache lay a deeper, more profound agony.

Now, on the ship, bound for a battle to determine the fate of worlds, Ember had enough of things left unspoken and enough of his doubts. 

With a hesitant rap on the door of her cramped cabin, Ember attempted to steady his nerves. At the end of this conversation, Things would be different. One way or another. 

The door opened a crack, revealing her luminous blue skin and silver hair.  Her amber eyes met his with a vitriolic coldness he was not prepared for. “What do you want? I’m not in the mood.” She moved to close the door. 

“Please,” Ember pleaded, his hand pressing lightly against the door to keep it open. “We need to speak.” His heart was hammering as she paused for what felt like a lifetime.

“We spoke. You said your piece, I said mine. What’s done is done. Now go run off to pray to your new lady or whatever the fuck she is.” Lilith retorted, her voice thick with emotion.

“Lilith,” Ember breathed, his heart sinking at the venom in her tone.

“Yes, Ash?” The words stung more than Ember expected it to. His new name had felt right, but hearing her say it, he realized how much he’d loved hearing his old name on her lips.

There was a long pause as they both stared into each other's eyes, daring the other to look away. He had so much to say, but he couldn’t do it in the threshold of her cabin door, so close to the eyes and ears of the others. This was something only for the two of them. He leaned into the door, his breath mingling with hers. He whispered, “Lilith, I’m trying. Please. I’m so sorry.” 

She heaved an exasperated sigh. “20 minutes.”

Relief flooded through him as he took a step forward into her cabin. She put a hand on his chest to stop him and he almost collapsed and the feeling of her touch. 

“Not here. Rittenhask is a busybody and I’m not about to give him more to gossip with Yara about.” She slung her green jacket over her arm, slid two daggers into their holsters at her ribs and marched out of the cabin and up the narrow set of stairs that led to the upper decks leaving Ember to gawk and follow. 

Schooling himself, he rolled his shoulders and followed after but not too fast, lest she think him too keen. But wasn’t he? Why was he still playing this game? The whole point of him knocking on her door was to end the game. He quickened his pace. 

She was halfway up to the giant tree that also served as a crow’s nest by the time he reached the deck. 

“Come on, Kitty boy. I know you’re good at climbing trees.” Lilith taunted from above. 

Ember rolled his eyes, acknowledging her jab. She wasn't wrong—he had grown up living in trees. But this tree was different. Gronn, the Treant, was no ordinary tree. And Ember had just met them earlier today. A conversation before climbing all over them was in order. 

“Yarr, are you lookin’ to traverse my woody boughs this evening, Master Ash?” Gronn's rumbling voice echoed through the branches.

“Yes, Gronn, if you don’t mind.” Ember put a foot delicately on the nearest branch to test its support. 

“Well, then, as the Lady Lilith says, you best get to climbing, Kitty boy.” Gronn chuckled, adjusting his branches to make the climb easier.

Ember ascended, eventually reaching the crow's nest—a tiny, circular pavilion of black and grey wood, an ornamental masterpiece crafted from twining branches.

“Good to see you’re still in relatively good health since last we saw you.” Lilith grumbled as Ember settled into the nest.

“I like to keep in shape as best I can.” He adjusted the sleeves of his jacket. “Stamina is a very important thing to have these days.” He winked at her. She didn’t smile. It had been a test to see where she was energetically. To see what fragile ground he was to tread.

“Your twenty minutes have started.” She leaned against the central trunk of the tree and crossed her arms.

Ember's heart raced as he steeled himself for what was to come. He had to do this, to quell the burning uncertainty within him.

“I don’t regret leaving.”

“Great start.” Lilith interjected dryly. 

Ember pressed on, his words measured yet earnest. “I regret how I left. I’m sorry for that. I regret not reaching out to you. I wanted to, so many times, but I couldn’t.”

Lilith's response was pointed, her words heavy with sarcasm. "Were you incapable of speech during your absence? Did you forget how to write letters or weave sending magics?"

Ember's explanations spilled forth. “I couldn’t reach out to you because I needed to do things on my own. I needed to take care of the goals I’d promised myself I’d accomplish. If I reached out to you, I would have abandoned those. I would have come right back to you.”

“Right back to me? You mean right back to us.” 

Ember faltered, his resolve waning under her piercing gaze. “No. I mean yes. I didn’t lie when I said I wanted Leonidas reunited with his family, but… it was a lost cause when we got here. I gave up. But even then. If it had truly been a lost cause and we were all stuck here to make our own fate, I would have come back to you the moment you asked. Not for the others. That’s why I couldn’t contact you. My will wasn’t strong enough.”

“I have no power over you. I am not Amber or your lady of ravens. I do not lord any sort of bargain over your head. You are free to come and go as you wish. Don’t say that me reaching out to you to come back would have been the end of your decision making, Ash.”

“Lilith.” Ember pleaded. This was all going sideways. He was usually so good at this sort of thing. 

But Lilith's resolve remained firm. "Ash," she countered, her voice a dagger aimed at his heart.

“Don’t call me that.” Ember whispered, 

“It’s your new name.” Lilith reminded him, her eyes alight with the promise of a fight. “New world, new patron, new friends, new life, new name. Must be so fresh and exciting for you.” 

“It was neither of those things.” Ember confessed, his gaze fixed on the ground. 

“Then what was it? Why do it? Did you accomplish what you set out to do?”

“Not yet.” 

“So this is just another stop on your tour to accomplish your goal of what? Gaining wealth? Fame? Notoriety?” 

“Immortality.” he confessed, his admission hanging heavy in the air.

Lilith's reaction was swift, her tone laced with concern. "Don't joke about that."

Ember's response was somber, his gaze meeting hers with unwavering intensity. "I need a way to live longer."

“So you’re dying?” Lilith scoffed.

“Sooner than you.” Ember admitted.

“What does that mean?” 

“Lilith, you will live for hundreds of years. I’ll be lucky to reach eighty. I need more time. More time to do all the things I want to do. To see all the things I want to see. I need more time with - “ He held his breath. He was so close to that line they always toed. The things left unsaid. 

"With what?" Lilith pressed.

“More time for this.” He gestured to the two of them.

“Why?”

“You’re seriously asking?”

Several heartbeats passed of electric silence between them. They were both holding their breath, he realized. 

“It seems counterintuitive to abandon the person you claim to so desperately need more time with. Did you ever think that maybe I’d help you?” She challenged.

“Your plate is full.” 

“I decide when my plate is full. Not you. You never even allowed me the chance to be a good friend. You stole that chance from all of us and in return, you were very much not a good friend. I needed you. We all did. We still do. But I thought we were friends. I thought we understood each other. I thought you had me as much as I had you. I thought - “ She cut herself off, shaking her head and pursing her lips. 

“You thought there was more.” he whispered, eyes on the ground, afraid to see her expression.

“Was there?” 

His heart seized. “Of course.”

“And now?” 

“I don’t know.”

“You. Don’t. Know.” She weighed each word.

“If I knew that me leaving would cause this rift, this” he gestured to the space between them, “fissure, I never would have. I got scared of so many things. We were in a different world without a direction and a failed mission and I realized my main motivating factor wasn’t Leonidas and his family. It wasn’t the fate of Cordia and all its people. My main motivating factor was you. You are a force of nature, Lilith. I have never felt like this. Never felt like gravity itself has shifted to pull me toward a person. But with you, I do. Before, I wanted wealth and comfort, but then I met you and I didn’t care so much about that. I wanted time. I needed all the time. For you, it would be a season, but you are everything to me. I had to find more time, make more time and I couldn’t ask you to do that for me because -– because I didn’t know if you would want that or condone it, knowing where you come from. I don’t know. It all makes sense in my head, but hearing it out loud I feel like a twat.”

“You are a twat.” she whispered. 

“I am. I know.”

“Good.”

“Lilith.”

“Ember.” She met his gaze.

He moved closer to her, testing the fragile ground again. She allowed his advance until he was standing over her. He leaned a hand up against the trunk behind her. “You are my north star. I would follow you anywhere. I just want more time to do so.” His heart galloped. 

“So after this, you’ll go back to trying to find more? Make more?” She searched his face.

"Yes. But, in all my research, this kind of thing comes with a cost. I need something—someone—to come back to. Whether you want to be that someone is your choice, but—"

“And you don’t want my help? Our help?” her eyes darted below to the ship and its sleeping inhabitants. 

“Where does that fit into your plan with the Sage and Revan? The more time you spend away from Cordia, the worse it could be. We left a brewing war. Who knows what’s happened since.” 

“Ember,” She grabbed his collar, pulling him ever so closer. “I don’t know if I can do what I need to do in Revan without you. Just like you need me, I need you.” 

Ember's fiery heart was running away with itself, the delicious pain at an all-new high. "I’ll stay until we stop the Sage," he murmured, unable to resist leaning closer to her.

Lilith’s eyes drifted to the collar of his jacket, she stroked the embroidery along the edges. “I’ve never been adept at magics and the knowledge that surrounds it. I know it’s a learned skill, but I think you also have to be drawn to it. You and the veil have to be in sync before you ever learn a spell or hand gesture or incantation. I never felt that pull. Not to that, at least. But I’ve seen others who have and are innately tied to the veil. To magic itself. Kallias is. They are doused in that aura. It’s like a glowing light that surrounds them. Sometimes out of the corner of my eye, I can see it. But with you,” She turned her gaze to his. “Of all the beings I’ve encountered in all the worlds who have been doused in that magical aura, to me, you have always been the brightest star. The most powerful.” 

Ember couldn't resist the pull any longer. His mouth was on hers immediately, overcome with all they had finally said. There was still so much more but this was a start. This he could work with. This they could build off of. 

She leaned into the kiss, drawing him closer as she clutched his jacket in her hands. It was better than anything he’d dreamt of all those months on the road and at sea, when he’d fallen in love with her. That fire in his heart roared and he broke the kiss with a laugh before she claimed his lips again.

Far below the crow’s nest, a crash rang out, startling them both and ending the kiss. They were left panting, smiles playing on their lips. Gods, how he loved to make her smile.

She put three fingers to his mouth, signaling for silence. Lilith crept to the edge of the railing, peering down to inspect the source of the noise. After a moment, she tiptoed back.

“Kallias.” She whispered. “They knocked over one of Rek’s new experiments. Nothing alive or dangerous.” She smirked and pulled him closer, their bodies pressed against the tree trunk. She leaned in, teasingly stopping just before another kiss.

“We’ll talk more later?” she asked earnestly.