#rexton

"Can I take you out?"

April froze, her coat halfway on and shoes still untied, and she wondered if she'd heard Sarah correctly.

"Just- just for coffee. Or more if you'd like. It's just that you've done so much for me, and for Olivia, and I want to do something for you now."

Sarah had never looked so panicked, not even after giving birth alone in the ED bathrooms, and April simply smiled at her and finished pulling on her coat.

None of these skills help her in the ED, however.

It isn’t that Sarah doesn’t know what to do. She’s been studying medicine formally for quite some time, informally even longer. For God’s sake, she’s in her last year of medical school! She’s worked so hard for so long to get here, and now, stepping through the wide automatic doors into the smell of antiseptic and blood makes her feel like a roach waiting to be squished beneath a boot. Probably Dr. Choi’s, if she had to think on it. He’s very particular and stiff, and she gets the feeling that a mistake made in front of him would mark the end of her career when it’s barely had the chance to get its feet off the ground.

Sarah knows how to put in a line. She’s done it on dummies enough times. She’s read theory on how to best find the vein when trying to push meds and watched videos of skilled nurses putting in IVs in a matter of seconds to study their technique. This information should help her be better at it. Yet, every time she’s confronted with a real patient, it’s like all of that learning is for naught. She can’t figure out how to do it, and her hands shake, and in a life and death situation, a patient’s life could be in jeopardy because she can’t figure out how to do the most basic part of her job.

She’s been struggling through her ED residency for maybe two months when she finally breaks. It’s a trauma patient, with two GSWs to treat and a lot of blood lost before even arriving in their ED. The trauma bay is chaotic and loud and messy and everyone seems to know exactly what to do to help. Except for her. She stands there, beside a dying man, unsure how to help but unable to walk away when Dr. Rhodes had called her by name and told her they needed her help.

“Reese, start a central line to push meds and blood,” Dr. Rhodes instructs. He doesn’t even look at her when he speaks, too busy trying to staunch the blood flow with his gloved hands. Sarah takes a second too long to process the order, because he repeats it, louder, and actually looks up at her with a gaze that makes her feel pinned to the spot. “Now, Reese.”

Of course, Sarah tries. She really does, with everything in her, try to get this line in so the real doctors and nurses can save his life, but she can’t do it. She can’t steady her hands, and between the blood and the panic in the room, she just can’t find the vein. She can’t do it. She can’t do anything.

A nurse shoves her aside to take over, and moments later, the patient is wheeled off toward the OR. The bustle of people go with him, leaving Sarah standing there surrounded by medical supply packaging and staring at the blood smeared across the tile floor of the trauma bay. She realizes, in that moment, that she will never be a doctor. She’s just not good at it. All this time, all these years and student loans and scrubs and dreams, and now, she will never be able to help people because she’s incapable of performing the simplest medical tasks.

After a while, she’s not sure how long, April comes to get her. Sarah vaguely remembers that April had been helping with that patient. “Please tell me he’s okay,” she pleads. “Please tell me that my mistake didn’t…”

April opens her arms and Sarah all but falls into them. She’s not usually one to want or even accept comfort from others, but she needs it after this. As she sinks into April’s embrace, she notices how warm she is and the sweet, almost fruity scent of whatever perfume she’s using.

“It’ll be okay,” April assures her. “It just takes practice. You’ll get better at it.”

“He could’ve died.”

The arms around Sarah tighten. “He didn’t. He won’t. You’re still learning, you have to be patient with yourself.”

April: Oh no

Sarah: I know

Sarah: Then, I’m gonna marry Natalie for the money and you’ll marry Will and have the beautiful kids. But then, we ditch those two, and that’s when we get married. We’ll have Natalie's money and Will’s kids. And getting custody will be easy because of Will’s drinking problem

April: What about Ethan?