#repressed thoughts

Not that they’re gone and the pain in your chest hurts more

But the hole they left is too big to ignore

The time in the day too long to think less

And the time we spent too much to ignore

So what’s left, is a hot mess with plenty regret and lots of stress

And I guess I write to destress and repress

How I wish to be blessed in your presence

That I’m in love with your cadence

How much I miss your fragrance

And your very essence

Most importantly

How I wish to cook you breakfast

My deepest desire

You

My only desire

I miss you.

———

Repressed Thoughts

Having your collar picked out for you, being told what to wear, what to eat. 👉👈

     Inside a castle-

Walls confusing - constantly looking back at the paper map in my palm

Checking and reanalyzing the clues

Did I miss one? I need to go back.

Back a day. Or was it three was when it was dropped?

            I should leave.

But my need to know pushed onwards looking.

Looking for something. Anything.

Some halls and rooms were lit. Lightly colored,

Others the heavy blanket of grey and black coated like fog.

Persistence was my light, and with it, I move forward. 

     The pen and paper with me hold the found clues as to move forward.

I must keep it secret for now- the cameras mustn’t see.

The last thing I need is to be trapped with nowhere to go but out.

   Gathering and gathering, in hopes, to find just what?

    Moving and reading and thinking and connecting, all an exhaustion

To mind and body.

        I found a door. It was locked with a code, but it wasn’t guarded in the slightest.

    I found the notes. Littered everywhere with pen on paper,

Your words final, with no second thought.

    I found pictures - Of us, of your family, of friends, of acquaintances

With not a thing in any order.

   Shifting through more clues - I’d have to have it written down.

Lines formed with each hint.

Some on their own.

       With stress wearing down on mind and heart, 

The room is turned upside down.

       I found a key.

Key in clutched hand, the halls are filled with gasps of breath

Running in every space available - finding a door of bars. 

       It was in light colors

The room inside was different.

The feeling of dread hanging thick.

      I found a friend.

Arms limply holding their knees to their chest.

Head looking down in a thoughtless stare.

    I found a shell 

With meaning to live, they’ve forgotten.

With arms pulling them close, sobs sound

With the pained thoughts and feelings that spill from their mouth-

     I found a heart...

Isn't it weird how things can change to something positive in like a week, or even a few days; even SECONDS.

And then everything goes back down and you feel like shit and then it goes back up and you're so happy with your progress and the atmosphere surrounding the people you associate yourself with and just the aurora of a genuine, embracing vibe.

According to how the ridiculous high school conception (which I will always disagree with in all diversities, specifically social on this topic) was constructed, things can change in a matter of minutes, in a matter of a conversation, in a matter of a single word. Somebody mentions some standard of negativity through one sentence and they've completely ruined your day, and left you with your emotionally crippled internal being.. In a matter of seconds. Then, in a matter of days or even minutes, things go back to the previous vibes.

Everything is such a roller coaster and I'm just so confused. I'm tired of the surrounding changing in a bipolar, clock-like routine and I'm sick of being depressed and then immediately changing to a bursting expression of happiness.