#relationshps

My God, who is slow to anger and abounding in mercy, help me to be patient with other people’s shortcomings, just as You have been patient with my faults.

In Jesus’ name.

Will repeat main points ig. Ok so, just got a partner we both are 15 years old. Except I have no idea how a relationship works, I didn't get any teaching from my parents. So she isn't that used to affection because of her parents but she's fine with me because she said so. So I wanna make her comfortable with me and my affectionate because I'm a physical touch type of person so wtf do I do?? I didn't get an instruction manual with this. (How do you kiss someone btw??). Oh yea, she was my best friend before this

ANYWAYS, HELP PLEASE.

If I remember correctly, you said in your off-anon ask that your gf wasn’t comfortable with anyone touching her, as well as general affection, except you. That’s common for people who have either been harmed or emotionally neglected as children. That she has said that she likes it when you touch her is great! It’s both good communication and it means she is comfortable with and trusts you!

People who have been through relationship trauma (childhood or as adults) can very often have a hard time setting and/or keeping boundaries. It just so happens that my current partner has CPTSD from childhood trauma and neglect so I’ll tell you what I do to make sure I don’t cross or ignore boundaries:

Go slow! Early on I would be hesitant to touch too much and I was very observant on my partner’s reactions. If I noticed they seemed relaxed when I did something, I would try to do more like that and judge reactions.

Listen to their spontaneous communications! Sometimes, people will straight up ask us for what they need without prompting. My partner would start asking for me to scratch their back because it calms them down, so now I have started scratch their back, their head, their arms and hands if I notice they seem tense.

Check in! When you are the one initiating the touch, always check in pretty soon that the touch has the effect you want (soothing, comforting, affectionate etc). Then, if they say yes and you continue, check in again some time later. It doesn’t need to be in a formal “do you find enjoyment in this activity” way but just a simple “you seem cozy” and they can confirm or deny.

Learn their body cues! Like I said in 2., once I realized my partner finds getting scratched soothing I started doing it when I noticed they got tense or stressed. So pay attention to how they act when they feel certain emotions! Your partner is your best friend so you should already know some cues, but part of deepening intimacy is leading to read one another and acting on that non-verbal connection.

Ask! If you are unsure how a touch would be received by them, but you want to give one, ask them if it’s okay!

The thing with trauma is that it disempowers you, makes you feel small, alone, and completely without power or control. That’s why the core in interacting with traumatized friends and family should always be empowerment, that is, giving control back to them. Help them set and maintain boundaries, ask for consent, learn to see that they might want you to stop or start a touch without them having to ask. That’s key.

For the kissing question, I tried to find an old ask where I think mod Kris answered in good detail but alas tumblr search “function” let me down. Anyways, it’s not that complicated. For a simple peck, just press your lips to the body part you want to kiss. For a proper kiss, same thing but towards the lips, hold longer and separate your lips somewhat. Tongues don’t need to be involved if you don’t want to. I tend to not kiss with tongue bc I’ve always felt awkward about it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

A good ship is like a relationship, it’s built on fundamental building blocks, and by understanding these blocks, we as writers can construct relationships that feel real and dynamic. There are four primary components to a ship: Propinquity, Compatibility, Progression, and Longevity.

Propinquity measures familiarity. How comfortable they are together, how long they’ve known each other, how well they know each other. Characters with a high propinquity spend a lot of time together, see each other often, exist within the same social circles, are unable to avoid each other, and may have known each other for many years. This is why many popular ships are teammates, friends, and coworkers, as these are people they interact with often. In a period drama, a well-to-do lady might fall for the roguish ne’er-do-well noble who runs in the same social circle as her, or she might fall for the stable boy who tends to her family’s horses. In either case, it is a man she is quite familiar with, and has a hard time avoiding interactions with.

Compatibility measures how well a pair can get along. However Compatibility is hard to measure in one grand concept without breaking it down into its components.

Commonality measures how alike two lovers are. Two Idiots/One Braincell is a ship dynamic built on both lovers being similar. Ships with Belligerent Sexual Tension involve pairing two likewise stubborn and argumentative people, using their similarities to create tension between them.

Cooperation measures how well peace between them can be maintained. Opposites Attract ships heavily rely on the couple trusting and working well together to make up for their lack of commonality and clashing interests.

Progression is more of a literary tool than something that can be applied to real life relationships. It boils down to the simple question: are they better for knowing each other? A good ship should play an important role in each other's character development. An intelligent cynic who dismisses love as a fairy tale needs a hopeless romantic idiot to prove that love's not so impossible, while giving them an endearing idiot for them to take care of and scold for being so foolish and reckless.

Longevity measures whether they can maintain a long lasting bond or if their relationship is a ticking clock. Do they have compatible life goals and desires? Do their desires align with one another or does one's happiness cost the other their own fulfillment? While not all couples or people desire long-term relationships, the desire with many ships is reaching that happily ever after. As such, a good couple needs to be able to last that long.

Let's go over some ships as an example.

Klance from Voltron: Legendary Defender has high propinquity. They're teammates and friends, plus they're old classmates with a preexisting relationship. Their commonality is low but not non-existent. They're both from Earth, they're both pilots, both of them look up to Shiro, and they are both competitive. Their cooperation is much higher, as they're able to go from bickering to working together rather quickly. Some of their most romantically coded scenes have Keith and Lance helping each other’s progress in their character arcs. While we know little of their ultimate life goals, knowing that Keith stayed on with the Blade of Marmora and Lance wanted to be a pilot, it stands to reason that they could have maintained a long distance relationship until they both felt ready to settle down.

Kiribaku from My Hero Acadmeia are classmates and live next to each other in the dorms, giving them a high propinquity. Bakugou also trusts and respects Kirishima more than most people. Kirishima is the only person who can save Bakugou without bruising his ego in the process. In terms of compatibility, they rank high in both commonality and cooperation. They work well together and share enough similarities to be on the same level about most subjects. Their progression is incredible, as Kirishima has helped Bakugou to become nicer and more cooperative with his classmates, while Bakugou’s brash pep talks gave Kirishima the push he needed to reach a new level as a hero. Finally, their longevity is rather solid. They’re going into the same profession, they get along well enough that they could easily live together, and they’re not annoying or fighting each other constantly that would make a long-lasting marriage fall apart.

Aang and Katara from Avatar: The Last Airbender are friends and teammates. They spend every day together for almost an entire year and face many enemies together, so the trust and friendship between them is high despite knowing each other for less than a year by the series’ end. They’re highly compatible, sharing belief in love, destiny, hope, spirits, fortunes, and other such things. They’re also very cooperative, as they rarely ever bicker with each other and work well as a team. That being said, they don’t actively play a part in each other’s character progression. Katara’s character arc is mostly about coming into her own as a waterbender and as the show went on, grieving the loss of her mother. But aside from sneakily teaching Katara what he learned at night, Aang doesn’t have a direct hand in this character arc. Zuko does, since he helps her track down the man who killed her mother. Meanwhile, Aang’s arc is to stop running away from his responsibilities and forge his own path as the avatar. While Katara offers a shoulder to lean on, she does not play as active of a role in Aang’s character arc as Guru Patik, Zuko, Toph, and his past lives. She could be a nag telling Aang to practice or take things seriously, but her role in Aang’s arc is more passive and supportive than direct. However, Longevity is a proven fact, since they got married and had children in Legend of Korra, and the siblings never mention their parents fighting to the best of my memory.

Ted and Robin from How I Met Your Mother are friends and enjoy each other’s company, which speaks well for their propinquity. They’re a fairly even blend of similar and opposite in commonality, but their cooperation is good enough to make up for any strong personality differences. They fit the archetype of the cynical love forsaken woman and the hopeless romantic idiot man, and could potentially make that work. But the biggest hurdle is that they don’t clear Longevity. Robin is happy with her bachelorette lifestyle. She’s focused on her career, and she doesn’t have a problem with moving away to chase her dreams. This is even part of what destroys her marriage in the finale. She just couldn’t be held down in one place. Life is an adventure, and Robin wasn’t content to stay in one place for the rest of her life. Ted meanwhile wanted the exact opposite. To set down roots and build a life together. To raise kids and have many years of wedded bliss. Their longevity life goals just don’t work. One of them would have been miserable to make the other happy.

It’s just that, sometimes these feelings fade or weaken, and all that I feel is the desire to spend a lifetime with someone. Hug them. Do whatever, as long as I can be close to them.

MEN & WOMEN, BEWARE OF NARCISSISTS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS!!!

So basically it’s about friendships.

I have two friend groups. I feel like the first one is really toxic and someone in the group always copies me, we have tons of inside jokes and I mainly hang out with them, it’s a group of 5 and I started the group but I feel left out a lot recently. The second one isn’t really that close, but they’re nice people, i like them and they like me, we share a few laughs but it’s mostly an academic based friendship, i feel like I’m doing all the friendship work and they don’t really care if I leave, I want them to work for my presence. What should I do? Ignore all of them? Which friendship should stay and which should leave?

Thank you :’)

What an interesting idea. You present this as a black and white choice - that you need to abandon an entire group, at the expense of another. Unless these are the Hogwarts equivalents of the Death Eaters and the Order of the Phoenix, however, I imagine you do not need to do any such thing. Instead, you can start by simply allying yourself to the people you find most engaging and worthy of your time.

I may also add that if you find yourself more comfortable with one entire group of individuals than another, start spending more time with that group. You do not necessarily need to cut yourself out of the other group, either - you can simply rearrange your time.

I can hazard a guess that the more academic group (let us say, the Ravenclaws) does not reach out to you as often because you do spend the majority of your time with the other group (the Gryffindors). The Ravenclaws see you have a rapport with the Gryffindors, that you have numerous jokes and stories of past escapades you share. You have no such foundation with the Ravenclaws, and they may not even be aware you wish to build one. Perhaps you can mention you would like to be involved in whatever it is they do more often, and that you feel as though you may be losing touch with or drifting from your old group.

I also must add, as while I am certain you are clever enough to intuit this, there may be others taking this advice as well - you can speak of your experiences, but try not to badmouth one group to another. I know it can be difficult when a person or group is trying your patience, but especially if you are attempting to balance both groups, talking down a group of people to another will make its way to the original group. In plainer terms: stating facts is one thing (ex: "Narcissa has been copying all my ideas and passing them off as her own and they left me off the group chat. Maybe it was an accident, but, I dunno.") but being hostile is another (ex: "Narcissa is such a bitch and left me off the group chat on purpose, and Alecto didn't even add me either. They're the worst.").

Best of luck on selecting your allies,