#rejectionissues

The heartbreak that is inescapable, persistent. 

The agony I experience to know that my first heartbreak was one I had no choice in, one I choose to ignore. 

I've wrestled with this issue all my life.

I wrestled with a demon, considering it to be less of a monster than it was, I even gave it a disguise. I labeled it docile, when it was anything but. Oh, how it schemed. 

Honestly, its a war I loved to store in a box underneath my bed, this way I could forget.

And as it collected dust I began to think maybe, just maybe, everything was alright. Unfortunately, one day, it was discovered; ultimately uncovered.

Its time for me to face you, dad. You don't really deserve to be called that. I don't understand how anyone could ever walk out on a child. And it wasn't simply me, you were NOT a first time offender on this issue.

I'm wondering if you knew how often I thought about you, it was rather often. Mom was frank with me. She didn't talk about you though. I wasn't aware the extent of her pain as she had to watch me suffer over and over again. 

I pushed the subject of you so often. I wanted to know everything. I wanted to know who my hero was. The one person I wanted to save me from my nightmares, the only one person. 

While, at this time, I was aware that you didn't want to be with us. I'm pretty sure my mom never told me the whole truth. She allowed me to believe you were a firefighter, among many other things.

When, in truth, you were a coward. Still are, unfortunately so. 

I just feel I should let you know the extent of the pain that your actions inflicted upon me. They still disturb me today, so obsessive they are. 

Only, they know how to hide. These demons, they're careful. Meticulous, patient. 

I find it hard to trust people, to commit to relationships. Whether it be friendships, or a romantic relationship. I numbed my emotions. I hated my sisters for quite a long time. I pushed so many people away, and I still do. I'm afraid of being vulnerable, because you were never there for me, and I find it hard to expect other people to be when my own father wasn't.

I felt like I was never going to be loved the way I sought to be, wholly and unbelievably me. I ended up in destructive friendships, and they tore me down. 

I suppose I can't blame you for everything.

Its my issue to deal with, I just want you to know I still seek your approval, much to my disgust. 

I was afraid of anyone who might actually care for me, and want you to know I'm done with it.