#firstheartbreak

I went through one of the most traumatic breakup in October. It was my first and no one told me how bad heartbreak feels. We both knew our relationship was terrible but neither one of us wanted to break up. I ended up bitting the bullet but I was so, like fucking eaten by the sadness of being alone I ended up begging him to get back together an hour later. He ended up saying no, and I was so distraught I had to go back home last minute and cancel my plan to be with my mom. I don't think I have ever felt so like panicked in my life. It took me a year to stop thinking about him and move on.

Now, I had this group of friends in highschool. And we didn't have a healthy friendship, it was the typical toxic big group of girls. But, when I started dating this guy is when we stopped being friends. i wasn't being a great friend and it ended them being sick of me whinning about how he treats me bad but hanging out with him anyways which i guess is fair. What i don't get it how they could do the same thing and the others didn't abandon them. That what I did was so horrible they don't think the relationship is worth fixing. Now, I don't necessarily want them back in my life, they weren't the healthiest for me. But their are these two girls who were my best friends and they are stilll best friends but ignored my texts for months until I gave up. They did the same in highschool, and I often ended up in the duo too i wont lie. But friendship breakups are so horrible because at least with this guy we had the most awful fights, I said some really horrible things, I ended up being super manipulative and he did so many things that I am still healing from. I get why we don't talk. I wish him the best but I know that we weren't right for eachother. Our breakup was boredline movie insane (on my part...) but I get why he dosen't reach out. I wouldnt want me in my life either after everything. But these girls... I don't understand. I don't understand how I was a big part of their life and I think I was a good friend (much better than I was a girlfriend thats for sure) and I know I wasn't perfect but they weren't either and just like sometimes I feel so broken by this rejection. And nothing big was the catalyst, there was no insane breakup fight that was horrible, it was just distance and whispers behind eachothers back. And because there was no like doomday, i think thats why its hard for me to justify what happened.

“There was once a very sloppy prince 

He wore a crooked smile, and would do anything to convince 

That his heart is made of sage 

& suddenly once you believe 

you've then entered his cage 

Prisoner of his desires, but its yet a fallacy 

My dear girl, you can fly away 

TRIGGER WARNING: IMPLIED PHYSICAL AND SEXUAL ABUSE

Cassian was not the type of man who ever talked about his past. As a matter of fact, those that knew him now knew very little about his past. There was only one person that knew enough about his past that   they could even say that they knew about what his life was like before they met. That person was Nicola, she knew certain things but not even she knew everything. There was enough in his past that he actively kept it buried. The question from one of his coworkers shook him from his thoughts. "Huh?" He asked looking at her.  She paused for a minute, we we’re all just discussing our first heartbreak and I asked you what yours was?” She asked looking at him. He looked at her for a minute almost as if he was debating the question then looked at his watch “Would you look at the time” He said as he stood up and headed for the door his shift was over and not a moment too soon.

He stopped and turned back to her. “You know some people are blessed to not have any heartache at all while others have heartache so debilitating that they can’t or won’t talk about it” That was the only answer he gave or would ever give. With that he turned and walked out of the breakroom letting the door close behind him. He walked to the locker room area where he could change out of his scrubs. After changing he left the hospital and got in his car and drove off. He just drove around, “What kind of question is that anyway who just sits around and talk about their first heartbreak anyway?” He asked letting out a sigh as he continued to drive around.