You don't know me You think you do But you don't know how to touch me You leave me standing in front of the mirror Looking for flaws that are ever changing Depending on the weather I'm not lying I'm perfectly fine You party with your friends Whilst I'm listening to music with Whitman Fuck you with all your indie pride I'm cool with my gin You can get back in line I'm not going to change my mind You can't pay no more I still have my pride Spare your coins I'm not a toy Your tears can't change my dreams I'm fine without you I won't be left high and dry
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I am addicted to the darkness, I can't be by myself for too long without searching for the monsters that live in the shadows of the past, I find comfort in the longing, in the company of Misery, he's beautiful because he will never leave me alone, he's beautiful because he's all I've ever known.
nervous laughs while a couple breaks up on the subway, there was something deadly lurking between them but no one said anything until it was over, thereâs something terrifying in the lips of a lover who stops speaking in words but instead grunts, starts pulling hair and pulling off clothes, stops calling when they want to say goodnight and instead calling for a fight, thereâs a moment of no return when things will never go back to the way they were regardless of how hard you try.
If you wash my soul you will see it stains â¨All the places it leaks to, it contaminatesâ¨My mind asks questions â¨My body feels trapped within these walls â¨Within the embrace of my self destructive life If I could I would just disappear but the memories keep me prisoner â¨I love too passionately, I break too easily â¨Nothing is what it seems when I have a never ending loneliness inside â¨I feel alone when a part of a crowd â¨I feel lost when alone in tight places
I know you come here once in a while and get to read posts from previous years. By now, youâll probably saying this to yourself âis it me? Am I the subject of this post?â,Iâll let the cat kill you. You are probably wondering why I get to write all this stuff and have that one corner in your mind thinking if I am the subject of most âpoetryâ, âproseâ and âfree verseâ (if you call it writing) that I wrote. Yes, I am the subject of almost every post in here.
I sometimes think of walking away from reality as it cripples me, I sometimes think of closing the doors to everyone and start building my own empire, I sometimes think of creating an illusion of a persona who get to understand me at least inside my mind then translate it into my visions, and I sometimes think that ending someoneâs life (or mine) will get to end all the worries and sudden depressions.
But a friend, a good old friend, came to me last semester. I asked her what happened and why is she posting those statements, she then blurted out the truth. She is suicidal. Yes, I am shocked as she is not the type of person whoâll get to this kind of landscape, but, I guess there are things we ought not to know that let people be in that state. Every once in a while, she chats me on facebook, telling me that she canât no longer go on with life, that if only sleep can mend all pain and broken pieces, and that she no longer know how to blend in the usual society. I am dumbfounded. I donât know what to say, I donât know if its right to relate myself to her experiences because I usually feel the same, then I ended up telling her that we are in the same shoes, trying to lace your own shoes that cannot be laced. Iâll end here, I will no longer go on. I think sheâs okay now or maybe not. I donât know whatâs going on her mind lately as we donât speak to each other anymore.
In an alternative universe, I am probably in a state where life goes on as plan, where things are in the right place, and where there is nothing blocking emotions to be expressed. I am probably happy, filled with content and does not care for any failure. I am probably creative, intelligent, talented and responsible. In that alternative universe, I am successful person in making while in this universe I do otherwise. In this universe, I worry too much that I get to pretend I am fine once in a while, that I get to play with my own emotions and shutting down everyone. In this universe, I always fail and never get to do what I really want. In this universe, âA Creatorâ exists that plays with everyoneâs faith and belief wherein I am not lured by his words. In this universe, I am broken.
I try every once in a while to live freely, to live with glee but reality knocks me out everytime I try. It lets me remember that 'Hey! Stop pretending you can because you canât.â If you ask me, if I even try talking to someone, if I try building myself, if I even make myself move out from this phaseâ I tried.
Days come where I lock myself inside my room, lay my body in bed and stare at the ceiling for hours, thinking if I can let myself out. It feels like I am in a psychological thriller film, where the protagonists do things he is not aware of and just contemplate everything in the end. Well I am that minus the thrill of this film. By now, youâll probably having cent of clear view of who I am. It is fine if youâll think less of me, donât worryâŚI am used to it.
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I am not physically abused by my parents, but emotionally and mentally by their words. I need parents whoâll not lower my self-esteem more and be under a realization that I am good for nothing. That even though I achieve recognitions and good deeds, theyâll ponder twice how words coming from their mouths will affect me. Each day, I am abused by their words. I try to endure and keep the pain but I canât hold on anymore. People may say that I am too dramatic but observe peopleâŚphysical pain can be endure each day, you can abuse all you want by putting bruises and all, but the words you mouthed are far different. Bruises and wounds may heal, but the words and statements you said will not. I donât know how far I can go. Its just that my relationship with both of you are changing, far so far from what we have.
