#reid rambles

I stepped onto the jet, my hands already shaking. I just had to keep it together until I got home. When I got home, I could break down. I could not break down in front of the whole team after the first case. 

I sat down in a seat in the very corner of the plane, closest to the window so that I could hopefully stay out of view of everyone as I tried to calm myself down. My breathing was becoming more and more rapid, and I was going into full-blown panic mode. I pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes to ward away tears, forcing myself to take deep, steady breaths. 

All I knew was that I could not lose it on this plane. 

I could not lose it on this plane.

I could not -

“Aria? Are you ok?” I whipped my head to the side, seeing Garcia standing in the aisle, concern coloring her usually chipper expression. 

“I’m fine,” I tried to make my voice sound normal, but it wavered. She immediately sat down in front of me, grabbing my hands. 

“Are you sure you’re fine?”

I couldn’t help it. 

I broke. 

Hot tears spilled out of my eyes before I could stop them, and I pressed a hand over my mouth to try and keep myself quiet. 

“No - I just - I just need to get home. I just need to get home,” I kept repeating it, moving my hand so I could suck in deep breaths. It wasn’t long before the rest of the team had heard what was happening, gathering around the section of seats we were in in an attempt to help, but really just doing exactly what I feared.

I didn’t want them to see me like this. Broken, after my first actual case.

I expected some kind of ridicule.

Anger.

To be fired.

Instead, I felt Emily slip into the seat next to me and put a hand on my shoulder. 

“Hey. Hey, you’re ok, just breathe. Deep breaths, ok? In through your nose, out through your mouth.” She started doing breathing exercises, and I tried my best to follow her, even over the erratic thoughts rapidly firing through my mind. 

“I’m sorry - I was trying to wait until we got off the plane, I’m sorry -” I apologized through my tears. Garcia just shook her head adamantly from the seat across from me. 

“No no you cannot apologize for this. This was your first time in the field, you’ve been through a lot today, it’s natural that you’re going to react the way you are.”

“But it’s the first case - I didn’t want to -”

“Aria, stop.”

“I’m not weak,” I didn’t know where it came from, it just slipped out. I don’t even think I’d realized that was why I didn’t want to cry in front of them. But it was out, and there was no taking it back.

“Oh,” Garcia’s expression was a mixture of surprise and sorrow as she pulled me into a hug, holding me even as I just sat there, desperately forcing myself to stop crying, “Nobody thinks that you’re weak. If you stop reacting to this kind of stuff, you lose a part of who you are. You’re not weak - you’re human.”

I sniffled, still trying to quiet my tears as the rest of the team dispersed, Emily and Penelope staying by my side. After a moment, though, a familiar face returned, holding a folded blanket in one hand. 

“Could I talk to her for a minute?” Spencer asked, and the girls nodded, leaving us alone as he took the seat across from mine. He observed me for a moment before seemingly remembering what he was doing, holding out the blanket to me. I shook my head in denial, pressing my hands against my eyes again to fight back whatever remaining tears were trying to sneak their way out. 

“I’m fine. Really, I’ll be fine. I just have to calm down.” I tried to make excuses to him, unable to see his reaction with my hands over my eyes. Despite what Garcia said, I was still under the impression that they were going to punish me for breaking down. I was new, and expendable. It wouldn’t surprise me if we got back to the BAU and Hotch decided I wasn’t cut out for this career, that I should find something else to do with that degree in journalism that has nothing to do with criminal profiling.

My excuses weren’t met with any sort of response, so I didn’t realize Spencer was still there until I felt a light weight on my shoulders. My eyes flew open, reaching over to my shoulder and seeing that he’d draped the soft blanket over me. Even if my mind fought against it, I grabbed the corners, wrapping it tighter around me and drawing a small smile to Spencer’s face as he returned to the seat across from mine. 

“Aria, do you know why we have this blanket on the plane?” He asked suddenly. I didn’t answer verbally, just shook my head in confusion. “Do you know how many times one of us has broken down over a case? Sometimes they want comfort from someone else. And sometimes, everyone could just use a good, soft blanket to cry with.”

I wasn’t even sure if I’d heard him right. “So you mean to tell me that the BAU has… a cry blanket?”

He laughed outright at the name for it, but he nodded. “Mentally, crying is healthy. If you force everything down, you’ve got no way of processing your emotions. And you’re not going to last long in this job if you don’t process your emotions. Actually, scientifically, the amount of mental strain that this kind of job puts on the people working it is - never mind. I’m rambling.” He cut himself off quickly, staring at the ground. I pulled the blanket a bit tighter around me, offering him a small smile as he glanced back up at me.

“Thank you, Dr. Reid.”

He smiled, nodding resolutely. “I’m glad I could help. And please, you’re a part of this team now. At least call me Reid. Or Spencer. Whatever you want; I know everyone calls me Reid, except JJ, she’s the only person that calls me Spence, which is kinda funny because -”

I was smiling now as I watched him talk, hands gesturing wildly and eyes lit up as he went on about some obscure research related to nicknames that I had never even heard of before. His entire body seemed to be engaged when he was talking about something he was interested in; he was incredibly expressive and emphatic, and I had no idea why I found it so adorable. 

I hardly even noticed when he had stopped speaking, looking at me with a strange expression on his face. 

“Why are you smiling at me like that?” He asked. I just shook my head.

“No reason,” I brushed his comment off quickly, a blush creeping up the back of my neck that I was praying he didn’t notice. Luckily for me, he just shrugged.

“Is there anything else you need? Water, tea, coffee?”

“I think I’m good. Thank you again, Dr.… Spencer,” I corrected. He grinned at me, offering me a nod before returning to his seat. I watched him go, a warm feeling in my chest. 

I curled up in the seat, both knees to my chest, resting against the plane window and watching the clouds around us. I had begun to feel a bit better, and despite the fact that I knew my sleep was undoubtedly going to be plagued by nightmares, the blanket around my body served as a comforting reminder.

I was a part of this team.

I glanced over at Spencer, sitting next to Morgan in the group of chairs across from me, and I smiled.