#reg!phoenix

It was a normal day on the Lost Light, which was surprising in its own right, considering all the things that have been going on ever since Rodimus and his crew went on this adventure.

Not that he would change anything about their adventures, no, well, maybe he would change a few things. Mostly the deaths of everyone who didn’t deserve them, but then again, what if fate would have found a different way to take them. You couldn’t escape death, it came for everyone. Sometimes, it was just slower in claiming a life, sometimes it acted faster than you would have ever expected. And then there were the times it spares someone. Someone who didn’t deserve dying after all.

But even those spared would die sooner or later. A lesson Rodimus had to learn the hard way, same as a certain youngling that has been shutting himself off, after accidentally telling him that he’s seen worse than a headless body. And it made the prime wonder just what exactly the youngling had seen with his old crew. The war was over after all, and while there were still those who couldn’t accept it, someone brought to life after their war shouldn’t know something worse than a headless body.

So, Rodimus stood outside Phoenix's room. Fist raised for a soft knock against the door to let the youngling know he had a visitor. Only Primus, and Lightlost, knows what happened last time he barged into the room without letting Phoenix know it was him and not someone else. A shudder wracked over his frame as he remembered the bright neon pink paint and golden glitter that suddenly covered his frame and took weeks to get off. At least he had a good enough excuse not to do his work and stay in his hab-suite.

Although, after a while of waiting, Rodimus took the risk and stepped into the room without waiting for Phoenix to let him in. And as he looked around to see what the youngling was up to that kept him from answering the hab-suit door, he found him with his back to the door. Sitting by the desk across from the berth. Engrossed in one of his wood carving works while singing softly to himself.

And with Rodimus not wanting to disturb the youngling’s serene moment, the prime quietly crept closer and sat down on the berth. Watching Phoenix as he delicately turned the wood they got from an organic planet into a small wooden version of the Lost Light. It was fascinating, considering Phoenix hardly spoke about the things he liked to do, let alone his hobbies. It’s always like the youngling is too scared to reveal something about him. As if he’s scared someone would take away the joys he had, and Rodimus found himself frowning at that. What kind of aft would make a youngling scared of expressing himself? Apparently one named Runningway.

Rodimus might have scoffed too loud at that though, or made a different kind of sound that caused the peaceful atmosphere to shatter and Phoenix to jump out of his chair. Brandishing his wood carving knife, ready to strike at anyone daring to come close, as a deep and furious scowl settled on his face. “The fuck you’re doing here!? How often do I have to tell you shits to stay out of my room! It’s mine! Mine!”

“Easy! It’s just me Phoenix! Just good ol’ Rodimus.” Yelled the prime in return, as he quickly raised his servos to make himself look less like a threat, and make sure he would be able to protect his face, should Phoenix decide to throw his knife. And knowing the youngling, he would have probably done that, if he hadn’t realized no-one else but Rodimus was in his room. That realization didn’t make the scowl go away though.

“And what exactly are you doing here? I thought I made it clear that I wanted to be alone.” Muttered the youngling, as he put the knife down on his desk, before crossing his arms over his chest. Fixing Rodimus with a glare that could have been considered murderous, if it wasn’t for the pout. Sometimes, Phoenix was more of a kid than the youngling wanted to admit.

“I just wanted to check up on you, especially after your small outburst at Swerves.” Started the prime while observing Phoenix tensing up even further. “It’s okay. No-one’s mad at you, we all got our bad days. Honestly, sometimes I don’t feel like getting out of my berth either, but you gotta admit, yelling at Swerve crossed the line a little bit.”

“Crossed the line? CROSSED THE LINE?!” Rodimus messed up, if Phoenix’s offended screech was any indicator. “HE crossed the fucking line! How often did I tell any of you that my past crew is off topic? Same goes for my creators!” Yelled the youngling, as he chapped a digit at Rodimus, while fixing the prime with a look that only spelled fury. And, maybe, an underlying pain the youngling isn’t ready to talk about yet. “And I gave him enough opportunities to stop talking. But he didn’t! He just kept asking, and asking, and asking! Do you know how it feels to constantly be reminded that my old crew didn’t want me?! That they abandoned me, just because I looked like the fucking prime they all hated?!”

At this point, Phoenix was trying his best to hold back his tears. He didn’t want to cry in front of Rodimus, especially when it involved his old crew or his creators. None of them deserved his tears. Well, maybe Fools Shot deserved them, but only because that old mech was the only one who treated him like an equal and not like a thing you can easily get rid of, once you no-longer need it. And yet, the youngling found himself rubbing furiously over his optics in hopes to get rid of his tears. But all he did was smear his face paint and nothing more.

“Why does no-one of you get it?! Why do you always insist on getting to know stuff?! I don’t want to tell you! I don’t want to! It’s my business. Mine! MINE! None of you deserve to know! None of you! NONE OF YOU! You will only pity me! And I don’t want your pity! I don’t want it!” Shrieked Phoenix, before his voice broke down into sobs. No. He didn’t want anyone to know. They shouldn’t know. His mama told him that no-one would want him if they knew. That they would only pity him, and nothing more. That they would just throw him away, if they knew how he felt deep down. And his mama has always been right with things like that. Even if she broke his dreams, even if she handed him over to Second Fiddle, and even if she wasn’t the best mama, she has always been right about things like this.

“Phoenix…” And as Rodimus slowly got up, as to not startle the youngling, Phoenix found himself frozen. He wanted to run. Bolt out of the room and to somewhere safer. Somewhere none of them could find him, and just cry. Maybe the vents would be an option, but they weren’t safe. Someone could find him in there and drag him out. And then they would ask him questions. They would demand answers, maybe even force him to spill everything, and the thought alone of having to share what he didn’t want others to know caused Phoenix’s frame to rattle and shake in fear, while his body slowly cramped up.

And as his thoughts kept spiraling out of control, the youngling completely missed Rodimus moving closer, until he felt the prime’s servos on his shoulder and stared into his worried optics. “Phoenix, it’s okay.” But it wasn’t okay. It was never okay. Rodimus might not see it, might not understand it, but nothing was ever okay when it came to this. And despite the primes encouraging words, Phoenix kept on spiraling deeper into this dark abyss of doubt and fear. Until he could no longer feel Rodimus’s warm and comforting servos, but rather the big, tense and cold ones of his mama. And if he strained his audials hard enough, he could hear her talking down to him. Telling him how stupid he was for growing attached to Autobots, especially after it was them who tricked his papa and took him away. And how naive he was for thinking that he could escape her.

“I told you, sooner or later you’ll be back with me.” She whispered, as she leaned closer to his face. “I might have given you to them, but you’re my son. You will always be my son.” And then, she disappeared, only to be replaced by Runningway, who continued the tirade. Mocking him for growing comfortable among enemies, before telling him how no-one ever liked him. “And I doubt your new crew likes you either. Especially the prime and that Lightlost fella.”

And after Runnningway, it was Old Man and Second Fiddle who kept on telling him the same things as Runningway. Reminding him about how useless he was, how no-one could ever like someone as him, and as they went, they were only replaced by others of his old crew. Others, who didn’t stop. No. They just kept on going, revealing every self-doubt and negative thought Phoenix had buried deep down in his subconsciousness. Beating him with their words, just like they did when he was still with them.

It was merciless, and none of them stopped as Phoenix’s legs gave out under him. With the only thing holding him up being the strong but gentle arms of someone his spiraling mind couldn’t put a face to. Everything, except the voices and faces of his mama and past crew were muddled. Blending together in his mind and turning into static, as he desperately tried to find an escape from the onslaught. But every time Phoenix managed to find a way out, a small gap in the crowd around him, his mama came and pulled him back. Reminding him that there was no escape for him.

She would always pull him back.

Until, she didn’t, and a new voice joined the onslaught. An older and kinder one.

One, Phoenix knew all too well. And as he saw his old captain push through the crowd and past his mama, the youngling noticed that the others were slowly disappearing. At first, it was Runningway, then Second Fiddle, then Old Man, and then the rest, until all that remained were Fools Shot and his mama.

However, his mama soon enough started to disappear too, as the old mech took a hold of his head and softly turned his face away from his mama. Making him look straight at him, as he told him how everything was okay.

“Remember what I told you Phoenix. Those who make you feel worthless, only do so to make themselves feel better.” And with these words spoken, Fools Shot started to disappear too, and Phoenix felt his mind start to clear, as he slowly rose from the dark abyss of his mind and back into the now.

There were still tears running down his cheeks, and trembles wrecking his body, those were the first things he could feel, but he could slowly make out other things too. Like the soft whispers of Rodimus and another mech, the small shape of a minibot, Phoenix thought it was a minibot, standing outside his room, and someone holding him. Someone, the youngling, knew all too well. And for a moment, Phoenix allowed his mind to think of nothing, as he stared up at the cartographer who looked down at him with those sad and concerned optics. Funny, from down here, Phoenix could have sworn that Lightlost looked older than they are. Maybe even older than Fools Shot.

After a while of just collecting his thoughts and calming down, Phoenix let out a soft sigh. “I… did it again, didn’t I?” Muttered Phoenix as he looked up at Lightlost with a small, nervous smile, but that soon enough turned into a slight, fearful frown as he started to say more. “I w-worried you again. Didn’t I? I’m… I’m sorry Light. I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to worry anyone! I didn’t!” But before the youngling could slip back down into the dark abyss, Lightlost softly soothed the fearful spark with a soft smile and a shake of their head.

“Sweetspark, don’t talk like that.” They said, as they helped Phoenix into a more upright sitting position, while still keeping the youngling safely in their arms. “Yes, we were worried. Especially the captain, but you shouldn’t stress yourself over how we feel. Right now, your wellbeing is far more important than what we’re feeling.”

“Still… I worried you, and I blew up in Rodimus’ face without any reason. I just… he said… It just came out. I didn’t mean for it to come out!” The tears that had tried returned, as Phoenix desperately tried to explain why this happened, and how sorry he was for worrying everyone. He didn’t mean to yell at Rodimus after all, and he didn’t mean to yell at Swerve either. That’s why he shut himself off in his room. “I… I can calm down b-better… better if I’m… I’m distracting myself…” Muttered the youngling, while staring down at his trembling servos. “It helps… Yea… it helps… makes it easier… always did. Mama hated watching me do stuff, but… but it made me feel better. A lot better…”

Some would say that this might have been a ‘good opportunity’ to ask Phoenix about why he yelled at Swerve and Rodimus, as soon as they brought up his creators and old crew, but Lightlost knew better. So did everyone present in and near the room. They knew that the youngling was in a fragile state of mind, and none of them wanted to trigger another panic. So, Lightlost gave Phoenix a friendly nudge and said with a smile on their lips, “What did you do then?” as a distraction. And Phoenix's whole face lit up, despite the tears and pain still present in the youngling’s optics.

“A good thing!” Declared the youngspark, as he scrambled out of Lightlost’s embrace and back on his feet, before quickly getting to his desk. Picking up his small wood carving project and presenting it to the cartographer as if it was the most precious treasure known to their kind. And to Phoenix, it was. Especially as he sat down next to Lightlost again and placed it into their servos. “Here, it’s a small Lost Light. It’s not all that good… I’m still learning to do this and ships are still a little bit hard, but I made it myself…”

“It looks wonderful.” Lightlost said, as they carefully moved the tiny wooden version of themself in their servos. Looking at it from all angles while praising Phoenix for his craftsmanship. “To think you made this all by yourself. It must have been hard.”

“Ah… it kinda was…. There were some attempts that didn’t turn out well… They all turned out wonky, or wrong, and I didn’t want that.” Phoenix chuckled, as he pulled his knees tightly to his body and hugged them. Smiling up at Lightlost, as he explained how many attempts he made, and how most of them ended up either in the scrap pile or as something else completely. However, as the cartographer asked the youngling about why he would want to carve a Lost Light, Phoenix turned nervous again. Glancing from Lightlost to Rodimus and the other mech he now recognized as Rung, and last to the small, green mech outside his room.

But before Phoenix could say that he didn’t feel comfortable with saying why when so many were around, Rodimus beat him to it. “Well, I guess you can take it from here Lightlost. Me and Rung still have some things to discuss.” Said the prime, as he nudged/shoved the psychologist out of the room, while the green minibot corrected the captain's wrong use of grammar. And only when Phoenix was sure that no-one else was with them, and the door was closed, did the youngling let out a long sigh as his body slowly started to lose the tenseness that had settled across his shoulder plating and back. “I… well… You see…” He started nervously. “It’s… well… ehm… it’s for you… I wanted to give you a gift, you know? Because you’re always… You’re always taking care of me and… and… and you make me feel safe. I… I hardly feel like that… And… the Lost Light might be the only place I… I can call my home… So… yea…”

There was a silence between them after Phoenix finished. And as the youngling looked up at Lightlost in worry, all he saw was a soft smile on their lips, before they carefully placed the tiny wooden Lost Light down and wrapped their arms around Phoenix. Cradling the youngling close to them, as Phoenix wrapped his arms around them in return.

“Thank you for the gift, Sweetsspark. It’s wonderful.”

“Glad you like it, papa.”

—

“Did you just call me the human version of sire?” Asked Lightlost with a small smirk, while Phoenix blushed in embarrassment.

So, I have talked a lot about these boys already. Like, they have their own stories and such that mostly incorporate the OCs of some of my Tumblr friends, so, I will concentrate on how things would go if they weren’t there for them.

...

In SG Phoenix’s case, he wouldn’t have had it as bad as in “A Bird’s Tale”. His crew would have still hated him for looking like an Autobot and would have continued to take their hate for a specific Autobot out on him, but he would have returned home to his mother. Bruised and less joyful as he was when leaving, but he would have still made it home.

And he would have healed from the abuse he was forced to endure by his crew. Regaining his joy and happiness, but he wouldn’t have followed his dream to become a Doctor/Medic though.

SG!Phoenix would have figured out that someone like him can’t really work in a medical setting as long as the scars of what the Autobots did are still fresh. So, he would have helped his mother out in her bakery and just enjoyed a quiet live. Although, that doesn’t mean he won’t try to fulfil his dream sometime in the future.

…

For Regular Phoenix though, well, his story wouldn’t be all that kind at first. Just like his SG counterpart, his crew hates him for looking like one specific Autobot, and thus, it wasn’t uncommon for some of them to treat him worse than the others. He was constantly hunted down on his own ship for either the amusement of his crew members, or because they needed him to play bait for some unfortunate Autobot they just happened to hunt that week.

It was a constant fight for survival on his part. Robbing Phoenix of most of his joy and innocence, while also making him long for an escape. Even if his captain was kind to him and treated him like a grandson, Phoenix still wanted to leave. And in a twisted way of luck, he was granted the escape he wanted by being thrown overboard and into space, once he found out about the staged mutiny his crew planned against their captain.

Luckily, he was found by the Lost Light crew, and they rescued him before he died, but living among the Autobots wasn’t easy. Phoenix constantly tried to get in trouble, because that’s what he was best at. Get in trouble, get yelled at, sometimes he got hit until he was a bloody bulb, it was what he was used to. So, it came to a surprise when the only thing he was punished with was something like scrubbing the halls or any other work.

It was a change, one he met with distrust, until Rodimus managed to somehow get through to him and Phoenix started to change. He still got in trouble, but now it was because of pranks he pulled, not the acts of sabotage he did to get booted off the ship.

Granted, his change for the better got interrupted when the whole thing with Overlord happened, during which he lost most of his limbs, but after that, Phoenix got better. And now he’s having fun going on adventures.