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There are lost loves that you can mourn for openly but the pain Elain feels now is something that needs to be kept secret. Because of this, Elain has been distancing herself from the rest of the inner circle for a few weeks. Tonight was supposed to be a care-free reunion with her sister but when Azriel’s name is brought up again, Elain begins to spiral.
Elain fought the instinct to roll her eyes as she caught the nervous look her sisters shared.
They wouldn't confront her. They never did.
She took a sip from her drink, wondering if their timidness around her was part of the problem.
It had been like this her whole life, everyone walking on eggs shells around her like she was some fragile thing moments away from shattering completely. Even when they were small children, the two of them had done everything in their power to shield her from the realties of how bad things had become with their mother, so much so that her death had completely blindsided Elain.
Both Nesta and Feyre had stayed silent through her relationship with Grayson. The only commented on how much they disliked him after he had ended things with her.
Elain ran an idle finger down the side of her glass, swirling the condensation building up on the side as she remembered back to the days where the grief of her cancelled engagement had utterly consumed her. She hadn't eaten much, stopped speaking to anyone unless it was absolutely essential.
Elain had let herself wither away as she mourned the loss of her love and the life she had planned on having.
In a way, that had been easier. There was a peace that came with the freedom of being able to grieve openly.
But this? This was nothing like it had been with Grayson.
She smiled, a bland thing that she knew didn't reach her eyes, back up at her sisters. She leaned forward, signaling for Nesta to continue on with her story about the most recent bout of shenanigan's Cassian had gotten into.
Elain didn't care about anything she was saying.
Well, that wasn't true. She cared so deeply that it was driving her mad.
It had been weeks since Elain had withdrawn from their circle of friends, making up paper thin excuses and cancelling well established plans. This was the first time she had even seen her sisters.
Even this had nearly been ruined when Feyre had excitedly text back that she would make sure that Mor and Amren were free too. Elain had sent a rushed text back saying that she really needed some quality sister time. She wasn't ready to see the others yet.
Still, she kept her ears perked, listening for even a hint of an update. She couldn't ask outright, it would give too much away but she was desperate.
"..anyway, that's when Azriel showed up. He made the two of them take off the elephant onesies and get back to work before HR got wind of what they were up to."
Feyre laughed, wiping her eyes. "Typical Az. How's he doing lately?"
Elain jolted, realizing with a start that Feyre was addressing her.
"Good." She said with a non-committal shrug.
"Really?" Nesta asked, head cocked to the side, "He's been acting odd lately. Cassian said he won't talk about it but something is definitely up.”
“I’m not sure. We haven’t talked. Not for a few weeks.”
Feyre nodded but Nesta narrowed her eyes at Elain.
"This doesn't have anything to do with your disappearing act, does it?"
Feyre elbowed Nesta but she kept gaze fixed on Elain.
"I don't know what you're talking about." Elain answered, a nervous giggle bubbling to her lips.
She quickly downed the rest of her drink to buy herself more time. She hopped off her stool, ignoring the tell tale wobble in her knees that told her that it was time to go home.
"Come on, lets go dance!" She said with a little too much enthusiasm before marching into the crowd of people on the small dance floor, praying that they wouldn't follow.
Elain needed to move, just needed to get away from them. Her eyes were burning and it would only be a matter of time before Nesta bluntly plowed into a conversation Elain wasn't ready to have.
It had been a mistake to bring them here tonight. She had hoped that this could be the first step in bringing back a sense of normalcy in her life. At the start, she knew she wasn't strong enough to even hear Azriel's name in casual conversation so when she pulled away, she pulled back from the two of them as well.
Elain had thought enough time had passed, she thought she was ready.
She had told herself all day that she could handle this.
Oh, how wrong she had been.
After arriving at the bar, Elain had casually asked what her brother-in-laws were doing.
Simple.
Innocent.
Feyre explained that they were having a night out on the town and it was then that she spoke Azriel's name for the first time. Elain had downed the contents of the glass in front of her then too, quickly shouting to the bartender to make the next round a double before she realized that her sisters were giving her a strange look.
That had been several drinks ago.
A man touched her hips, pulling her in closer to dance. Elain leaned into his touch and, after a moment, let her hips settle against him as she danced in time with the music.
There was no reason to feel guilty.
None.
Not when Azriel had made it obvious that her feelings were just a one sided obsession that would never go further.
The stranger let his hands trail over her, his finger tips brushing gently against the exposed skin of her arms.
Memories flashed in her mind, Azriel's scared hand pulling back from her with a jerk. The shame of it all twisting through her stomach once more as a wave of despair crashed over her.
In an instant she was pushing away from the stranger, twisting and bouncing away until she was further inside the crowd of people.
Though she become a regular in recent weeks, Elain hated this dingy little hipster bar on the west side. It was dirty and the air conditioner was shit so she always felt sticky in the summer heat.
The only good thing she could say about it was that the drinks were strong, making it so her memories of this place were nothing more than constant blur of bodies moving past her.
She hated it.
Elain missed the nights spent at the quiet bar near the townhouse, the one with the booth they used to all sit around. That is where they should all be right now; in their booth, his arm tossed casually behind her as they all laughed at something ridiculous Cassian or Rhys had just said.
Her stomach surged as she thought of where he might be now.
Probably in a glitzy club downtown. Probably with her. Elain had gone with them to places like that, never truly enjoying herself but finding solace in his presence.
Suddenly, it all became too much and Elain pushed her way out of the crowd to a trash can in the corner near the DJ stand.
"Alright, its time for you to go." A gruff male voice was saying as she emptied her stomach.
"We've got her." Nesta said forcefully from somewhere right behind her. Elain felt her sister's cold hands grasp her upper arm but Elain jerked out of her touch.
When she was finally confident that she could walk to the front door without getting sick on the dance floor, Elain stood, straightening her back as much as possible.
She could see Feyre near the door, her phone pressed to her ear, a frantic look plastered over her face as she spoke to whoever was on the other end. Rhys, probably.
With as much dignity as she could muster, Elain walked towards her, shaking off Nesta's second attempt to physically steer her.
As she neared Feyre, Elain flashed both of her sisters a look, silently daring them to say anything. Feyre glanced down at the floor, falling in step behind them but not before Elain saw the pitting look Feyre gave her.
Anger licked its way through Elain, causing the skin on her chest and neck to flush. How dare they judge her after all of the mistakes they had done?
Had Elain judged them? No.
Not when Nesta had slept with half the men in the city.
Not when Feyre ran away from home with that psychopath.
And Elain, who had always kept herself on such a tight leash would be damned if she let them judge her now. She didn't even care if it would cause a scene.
Hell, it would be nice to lose control for once.
Elain threw open the front door and the night air washed over her. As she took a deep breath in, she let the cool air fill her lungs. She turned to face her sisters, ready to fight but froze. The hot anger that had coursed its way through Elain's blood so quickly disappeared as fast as it had come, leaving her cold and drained.
She had expected judgement, maybe even disgust, but both of her sisters had a look of understanding that shook her more than she had ever imagined.
Elain walked over to the side of the building, raising a hand to brace herself against the brick wall. The world was spinning and she needed something, anything, to anchor her in place.
She hadn't even realized she was crying until Nesta threw an arm over her shoulder and Elain instinctively turned into her. She felt Nesta wrap her arms around her, pulling her in closer and Elain's chest opened as she let the tears fall thick and heavy.
Shit.
Shit.
How had she let this happen? How had she let herself fall for a man who could never love her in return?
He had been honest with her from the moment they met, confiding in her about his intimacy and trust issues from his abusive childhood. Still, they had grown close. They were able to find peace with one another when their friends and family became too loud. The two of them had traded in secrets of heart ache and pain until the hurt was soothed to be masked with laughter and joy.
Elain had only ever wanted to be friends with him. She had been grateful to have someone she could open up to after the disastrous end with Grayson.
She had never wanted these feelings but they crept up so slowly, infecting her very essence until every cell hummed with the desire to be with him.
The pain with Grayson made sense.
Of course, she should be sad for that loss. That was a pain that was commonly understood.
But how was she supposed to explain this?
How could she even begin to make people understand that the love she had for Azriel made her feelings towards Grayson feel like cobwebs? How could she let people know that, though he had never truly been hers, she had felt that her soul had somehow been made of the same substance?
A slight intake of breath from Feyre caused Elain to pull back from Nesta's embrace.
A black sedan had pulled up to the curb in front of them and Elain was able to make out Rhys in the driver seat. Feyre instantly rushed towards the front door but Rhys held up a hand, halting Feyre.
Elain wiped her eyes, startled by what she was seeing.
In the years they had been together, Elain had only ever seen her brother-in-law let his anger slip through his calm façade on a select few occasions. Those moments were tied to some of Elain's most painful memories: him returning home from Mor's court case saying that the judge had sided with her abuser, watching their father try to explain why he walked out their lives after their mother had passed away, finding out that Cassian's father had known he became homeless at a young age yet chose to do nothing.
Now, he was visibly angry and she watched as his mouth moved, clearly arguing with someone before punching a button on his car's console.
Fear washed over Elain.
Rhys pinched the bridge of his nose for a moment before his shoulders relaxed. There was the sound of a soft click as the door unlocked before Elain was being pulled into the backseat by Nesta.
A stillness that settled over them. Elain couldn't make out the quiet whispers exchanged between Rhys and Feyre but Elain knew that they were talking about her. Elain wanted to apologize but the words were stuck in her throat
Instead of saying anything, Elain leaned into Neta. Quiet tears fell down her cheeks as, in the darkness of the backseat, she admitted to herself that she truly was pathetic. Her chest burned with the shame of it all.
She closed her eyes, so tired of the constant pain in her chest. She prayed for it to stop until the dark blanket of sleep settled over her.
The next morning was terrible.
It took longer than Elian would care to admit for her to roll herself out of bed and stumble into a warm shower.
She felt sick.
Her head was pounding and her body ached in ways that she hadn't imagined possible. Then there was the shame. She cringed as flashes of last night resurfaced.
She couldn’t remember how exactly she had gotten into her apartment and into bed. There was a vague memory of someone carrying her.
Exactly what she wanted. Her brother-in-law to have to carry her into bed because her dumbass had fallen in love with one of his best friends and didn’t know how to cope with his rejection like a flipping adult.
Elain wanted to crawl back in bed and pretend nothing ever happened but she made herself look at her phone. 7 messages from Feyre, 3 from Nesta.
She knew what they would say.. That they were worried about her but she needed to knock it off because getting blackout drunk by herself in a seedy neighborhood was just an unnecessary risk for her to be taking.
Still, it hurt to read them.
The right thing to do would be to message them back at the very least but Elain didn't feel like being mature yet. Instead, she put on a fresh pair of leggings and a tank top to at least be a tiny bit presentable so she could stop by the coffee shop down the corner from her apartment.
She could face the rest after she had a little caffeine in her.
She pulled open her front door and let out a scream.
Sitting on the floor against the wall across from her door was none other than Azriel.
He had been dozing but her piercing scream of fright turned into horrified surprise had jolted him away. Now she was staring into his hazel eyes for the first time in week. With each blink, the sleep cleared from his face to be replaced by a cold anger.
Elain was still trying to wrap her head around the last twenty minutes.
Surely, she was still in some sort of blackout dream state because there was no way this was real.
After promising her elderly neighbor that she was fine and, no, the six foot tall muscular man sitting on the floor in front of her was not some would-be-assailant that Elain had managed to incapacitate by breaking the sound barrier with her ear piercing scream, Elain had just starred at Azriel.
We need to talk.
Like hell they did.
Elain stepped over his sprawling legs and walked towards the side door at the end of the hallway that exited right onto the street. She heard his footsteps, marveled at how he always managed to be stealthy despite his aforementioned large body, and managed to get several steps outside the door before he appeared before her.
"Elain. I'm not joking. We need to talk." He practically growled at her.
"Not before I get my coffee." She said with an airy tone that was not at all in line with the anxiety coursing through her body.
Elain sidestepped him easily enough and began taking long strides towards the coffee shop.
All of Elain's energy was focused on him behind her. She tried to identify his footsteps from the other pedestrians, ears pricking at each frustrated huff he let out.
He didn't speak during the duration of their walk nor while they waited in the queue. The only time he had truly made his presence known was when he made to grab for his wallet. Elain let loose a sound of disgust as she batted his hand away.
The barista raised her eyebrows in concern at Elain. She was a regular and was friendly with the woman. Elain shook her head minutely before rolling her eyes. The barista chuckled slightly as Azriel crossed his arms but he remained silent still.
They were now walking back to her apartment. Elain sipped on her drink as she considered her options.
She could always slam the door in his face once they got back to her apartment though he would likely just sit there again, waiting for her to come out.
She knew the words that she could spit at him that would make him walk away and never look back. Elain shook her head slightly. Even now, she couldn't bare the thought of striking such a blow.
Azriel opened the door to the building and Elain breezed past him inside without so much a nod of gratitude.
She slid her key into the lock and opened the door, holding it open and gesturing him inside.
It looks like they were doing this.
There was a stab of pain in her heart as she looked at him. He moved towards the spot on the sofa that he normally occupied with a familiarity that he had earned but now seemed so misplaced. How many times had she sat beside him, feet in his lap or curled up in a blanket as they watched TV or talked until her lavender and lemon candles burned out?
It had all felt so right back then. Now it was messing with her head about how flipping wrong it was.
Part of Elain wanted to sit beside him once again. She could say that they could forget her silly little confession so they could go back to the way things were.
But that was impossible. She knew that.
Instead, she sat in the floral armchair that served as her coat rack during the fall and winter months when she was too lazy to take the few extra steps to the hooks in the wall.
He looked at her and she looked back, taking the opportunity to really take him in.
She was struck by him. He was beautiful, he always had been, but his eyes were dull. There were bags under those dull eyes that normally weren't present. His skin, which normally was a warm bronze had an ashen hewn to it and his clothes were rumpled from his time sleeping on the floor.
All together, he looked rather unwell.
Good.
Elain sipped on her coffee.
"You said you wanted to talk?"
He nodded before letting out a long breath she hadn't realized he had been holding.
"Why were you dancing with Eris Vansera last night?"
Elain blinked. Of all the questions he could have asked…
"I wasn't." She answered slowly.
Memories of the previous night came back to her. She had danced with someone briefly before she got sick but it hadn't been Eris.
Right?
Her hands began to shake at the possibility.
She hadn't seen the man's face. The man had grabbed her and she had let him.
"Oh god." She muttered, a hand flying to her neck in horror.
"It's okay, it's okay." He looked like he was about to stand but thought better of it. Azriel leaned forward, leaning his elbows against his knees. "Feyre said she didn't think you knew it was him. I just needed to know."
His words cut through her disgust and horror like a knife.
"'Needed to know'," she repeated. "Do you really think so little of me, Azriel?"
"No. God, no, Elain." His face had fallen in horror but she wasn't having it.
"Get out." She stood up, "I don't need this from you, Azriel. I haven't spoken to you in weeks and I don't need you accusing me of this."
Elain walked out of the living room and into the kitchen.
"Yeah, and whose fault is that?" He retorted, voice raised as he followed her.
Elain whirled on him.
"What do you want from me? I told you that I loved you, you said you didn't want me. I am not going to be like-" She stopped herself, physically holding up her hand to stop herself from saying anything more.
"To be like what, Elain?" Azriel seethed at her.
"To be like you!" She exploded, "I'm not going to pine after you for years. I love you. I love you so much that it drives me crazy half the time but I will not be some lovesick fool, wasting my life loving someone who doesn't love me back. I deserve more than that and, goddamn it, so do you."
She didn't know when the tears started falling but by the end, they were coming so hard that she could barely get the words out. Elain ran her fingers through her hair and she pulled on the strands.
Maybe she was mad, after all.
Azriel stepped forward and she held up a hand again, stepping back so she was pressing herself into the counter.
"Don't, don't touch me. Please." Her voice broke on the last word.
She wanted him to ignore her, to step forward and sweep her up into his arms. She wanted him to get the hell out of her apartment and never see him again.
In typical Azriel fashion, he did neither of the things she wanted.
"Is that what you think of me, Elain?" He asked instead, voice quiet.
His eyes were bloodshot. She had never seen him cry, never seen him get truly emotional. It tore her in two to see him so close to the edge now. After all he had endured and all her promises to never hurt him, here they stood.
Elain wiped her tears and took a deep breath before nodding.
"Yes. No. I'm not sure. I know it wasn’t fair for me to tell you how I felt. You've told me how you feel about her and I've seen the way you look at her. But I had to. I couldn't just live with it."
Azriel nodded slowly and Elain wiped her face again as she sniffled.
"Have you said everything you wanted to this time?" She asked quietly.
Azriel let out a humorless laugh. "I haven't said anything I came here to."
Elain waited, giving him the time to say whatever was so important.
"I went to see Mor last night."
"Great, I'm second to her yet again." Elain couldn't help herself, the words tumbled out of her before they had even fully formed in her brain.
"Can you just let me finish, Elain?" He breathed.
She could tell he was trying to keep his temper on a leash, could see the fury burning behind his eyes. Normally, Elain would fight back, tell him he had no right to speak to her in such a way but she was exhausted.
Elain nodded.
"Thank you. I went to see her last night. I needed to ask her why she never came out and told me that she would never want me in the ways that I wanted her. I hurt you in the same ways she hurt me, I was just too much of an idiot to realize.
"See, you're braver than I am, Elain. I knew for so goddamn long but I couldn't handle the rejection. Mor thought that I would eventually just get over it but as the years passed it became something, insurmountable or whatever. I think that's the way it felt for us both. I just got so used to the idea of being in love with her that it became a default setting for me."
"Why are you telling me this?" Elain breathed.
"Because I need you to understand. I always thought she would come first for me, no matter what. But when Rhys told me last night that you had been with Eris," a chill raked down her spine at the name, "I knew I needed to see you. I knew. Every part of me wanted to be with you in ways that I have never felt for Mor. I needed to know that you were safe. It's why I was outside your door this morning. I let my mind run wild. Lucien had known where your apartment was so, what if, somehow Eris did too? It was ridiculous and domineering of me but I knew you wouldn't let me in and I couldn't stomach the thought that you were alone."
Elain didn't let the words register, not really.
"Azriel, I haven't heard from you in weeks. Even if I'm not your second choice, I don't want to be with someone who only contacts me because I crossed paths with a sociopath."
Rejection, then confusion, then dawning comprehension flashed across Azriel's face.
"You blocked my number."
It wasn't a question but she nodded slowly in confirmation.
Azriel reached for his phone, punching in the passcode before handing it over to her.
It was pulled up to their text thread, the last sent message from yesterday afternoon.
- You still mad?
She scrolled up. And up. And up.
Countless messages from the last few weeks. Some were just the word 'hi' while others were paragraphs long.
She didn't ask permission, just flipped over to his outbound call log to see the same thing. Call after call, all to her.
Elain fell backwards into the counter, reaching a hand back to brace herself.
She felt dizzy but there was still one final thing, one final question she needed to ask before she let down her walls completely.
"You told me you didn't love me."
Azriel flinched.
"I care for you, El." She felt her heart sink as she prepared for the rejection but he held up his hands. "I care about you and I never stopped. Even if we were just friends, I would still care about you.
"I want to try, you know? To see if this could be something. But you can't fault me for not wanting to slide a ring onto your finger right this second. I've been really pissed at you for cutting me out the last few weeks and I know I've hurt you." He sighed. "And I still have my commitment issues so if we are going to do this, I want to take it slow. Okay?"
Azriel sighed before pressing the palms of his hands to his eyes.
"Now what?" Elain whispered and he just laughed.
"Can we.. Can we just take a nap?"
Elain laughed too before reaching out her hand to intertwine their fingers to lead him back to her bedroom.
As she curled in beside him, her head resting on his chest, she breathed in his scent.
They were not in the clear just yet but Elain was willing to fight for him, to reforget the pain once more and try to make this into something wonderful.
_____________________
AN: I have been sitting on this for weeks now. Part of me wanted to go all in with the angst but, each time I sat down to write it, I kept writing it in this way.
I’m going to blame COVID and just not really having the emotional capacity to have more doom and gloom in my life right now.
That being said.. I may return to this eventually. My favorite bit to write was part 1. I found it really interesting to explore a part of Elain we never really get to see in cannon.
This was originally inspired by Reforget by Lauv, in case anyone is interested.
I hope you all enjoyed. Thanks for sticking around. <3
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality
Anya is LIVE right now
FREE
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
