#reflections?

Back in the day we lived in far smaller communities and everyone would know the shit you were dealing with! Now we’re just meant to pretend we’re fine? Certainly we should never complain. Never explain. Never stop to cry or shout or just talk things over.

Jane Austen's Emma is in many ways a gender reversed retelling of Pride and Prejudice. I won't go into the full analysis, you can find many accounts of it online.

What I love about it, is that Emma 'truly' answers the question: what if Pride and Prejudice was told from Darcy's POV but with the genders reversed. In other words, what makes the retelling so powerful is how Emma differs from Darcy nevertheless - because of the different expectations to women and men at the time. Without making it an English essay, let's just take one example: Emma never travels, she is confined to the place she grew up - Darcy is free to travel. The power of Jane's commentary of societal expectations becomes stronger because Jane allows there to be differences between the characters of Darcy and Emma - shaped by the expectations society has to them.

I think taking a character and changing it should carry some consequences. For example: lets say that we make Sirius a girl, and we make this a wolfstar story. Would Remus and Sirius question whether they did truly fancy each other - for example, would they worry that their feelings were just a product of a heteronormative society?.

My example may not be the best, but hopefully the point is made clear. In case it isn't - here's another example:

In my own story, I have Gideon, Fabian and Alice be friends not too dissimilar to Sirius and James. For Fabian and Alice they know they love each other platonically, because Fabian is gay and those are the 'rules'. Gideon and Alice, however, are straight, and thus they struggle to understand how they love each other. They love each other SO MUCH - so it must be romantic right?

This is actually me exploring how Sirius and James seriously co-dependent (my interpretation), 'never saw one without the other' (canon) relationship might have been different had they been opposite genders. In my canon-compliant story James is straight (and I even leave Sirius' sexuality open to interpretation because that's what it is in the source material). Their friendship/bromance remains just that. They can love each other as much as they want because there's no norms that says their love has to be romantic.

Look, I don't think I execute it as well as I'd want to - so this isn't a look at me I do it so well celebration post. I suppose I mostly throw it in there in case my first example was a bit poor.

I say this not to fish for a “thank you for your service” or to virtue signal, but throughout my adult life I’ve served in emergency medicine, wildland fire and the military. I’m proud of my service, because I hold life to be precious and revere it as something to be safeguarded. But I would be too cavalier to say that it hasn’t affected me, that it hasn’t come at personal costs.

I still serve as a EMT transitioning to become a paramedic amidst volatile times for education, while having worked on a task force that’s been dealing with COVID in the US since it hit us. I’ve seen it affect the young, the old, and everyone in between. I’ve even dealt with the dying and the dead, and their grieving family members. And beyond physical illness, I’ve seen what this isolation has done to disrupt our tendencies as social creatures. My hearts goes out to everyone as we’ve faced this ongoing crisis.

I still serve as an Infantry sergeant and team leader in the National Guard amidst a time with the American people are in turmoil amongst themselves, when this role becomes ever more relevant. I’ve done my best to connect with citizens, to facilitate their right to protest peacefully as their right as Americans, while deterring rioters from destroying the lifestyle and livelihood of folks who just want to live through these tough times. I’ve had to face difficult issues that ignite our people, and try to find clarity in a hope that I can do my part to mend us with discourse and protect those unable to defend themselves. All the while hoping my decisions will protect my community, my family, my service members beside me. I truly hope we can find compassion and unity.

But in all, I’ve lost and hurt relationships that were dear to me. I’ve lost time with those I love even before the epidemic and social unrest. When I was younger, I had a hero complex that I wanted to bear the world and do what I could to make it better. In all my positions now, quite simply it feels that my own personal depression gets exponentially heavier knowing that I can never have the luxury of turning a blind eye. My roles have forced me to deal with the world’s problems. And compassion fatigue and apathy is an outcome I fear.

I am perhaps venting this because I wanted to truly thank those who have helped me here. With all the things I’ve wanted to do in my life, when I was a kid I wanted to be a professional artist to do concept art for movies, comics, anime or video games. And when I read fanfiction and tried my hand at it, I learned that I did have the ability to express myself creatively through writing.

When I draw or write, for once my mind is in a flow state I crave in other domains, a sense of peace, contentment and even childlike excitement at my own creations. And the support of even knowing one person enjoyed my work makes me truly happy. In another universe, I like to think I would’ve made a great addition to something like BH6 creative team, story writing or art. In a way, you guys allow me to express a semblance of that version of me. And it helps me in ways I cannot fully articulate.

When the world is crumbling around me and I know I have to face it, I find it funny that there are times I can actually find a semblance of peace and creative flow in wanting to draw and write, especially knowing this awesome community shares that love. In a time that I’ve seen disunity, you all remind me that we can still connect. We can share our loves and our creations, and even have discourse on our different opinions.

my aunt said it best just now but she’s right: it’s like my mom has lost her compassion for other people. she said to me that the fact that i had to yell at my mom that she could have been living with 3 kids instead of 4 and she didn’t even react is what really solidified it for my aunt.

it hurt to hear my aunt (my mom’s best friend) say that she’s not the person she met and loved 30 years ago. that she can’t even have a normal conversation with her or sit down and watch a movie with her or laugh or anything. that she lost her best friend. that hurt cuz i told her that i felt the same.

my mom used to be so open, so understanding and accepting, tolerating of so many things. maybe she didn’t understand how other religions worked but she would listen and learn. she’d accept things like reincarnation or gay people. she would even understand why people get abortions. she didn’t like all of it but she certainly didn’t say or wish anything ill towards it. but now? all she has is this holier than thou attitude around everyone cuz we don’t go to church or pray but she does, every day. cuz she “found god” and that somehow makes her a better person. cuz she spends all her time praying and reading the bible and brainwashing my brothers into doing the same thing. all she ever talks about is god or the bible and she condemns all the things she used to be so understanding of. she’s become a hypocrite and she’s walking that fine line between regular religious devotion and cult devotion. and it hurts us, the people who love her, so much cuz she’s like a stranger to us now.