#really rambles

I LOVE QUESTIONS LIKE THIS!!!! ... God, I'm so awful, I've not really written a lot for my au a lot of it's just mothy thoughts and ramblings :( But I can throw you the link to my current rewrite of it (it's not much, im sorry,) which is here AND my drabblebook for it (WHICH ISN'T MUCH ALSO!!! I'M SORRY!!! I'm going to add to it soon), which is HERE Theres also the old version that's heavily outdated and... old. Very subject to change. Read at your own risk (and experience old bad mothy writing.) ANYWHO! TEXT WALL INCOMING!!!

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHI'm fine this is fine I'm so normal about themthe callback to 'what if we don't break?' and everything they aren't saying and adam carrying a first aid kit when his team is 4/5 vampiresthey CARE SO MUCH and they know it but it's not enough (yet) but also they can't help but be drawn to each other 😭😭this is so gentle and sad and sweet and I'm dying 💀(also I love seeing the differences between mallory and aj and kira in regards to their post-book 3 relationship with adam)(haledamage)

(Glad to see I am not alone in the insanity this AU drives me to🙃💀)

Listen. LISTEN. The inherent, eternal optimism of "what if we don't break?" is so perfectly AJ it makes me scream internally and die a thousand deaths. The "What if it's great instead of awful?", what if it's worth it, what if this Worst you're always planning for never comes and we WASTE THIS?! Especially in response to Adam's "I am not strong enough to be broken again" when his Thing on the team is leadership and STRENGTH. This is what he fears will be Too Much, he's not Strong Enough for if this ends badly. (Also ALSO ALSO that he says "I am not strong enough and AJ says "what if WE don't break" bc he's thinking in terms of toughing it out on his own and she's saying No Actually, We're In This TOGETHER. We Are A Team, du Mortain. Yeah. Can you tell that exchange wrecked me almost as much as the Mason Shower Scene? :) ) It's gonna be v hard to do post book 3 stuff for them that doesn't invoke a callback to that bc it's just. YEAH.

There's definitely a gentleness to AJ/Adam(esp on his end) that's lacking in Mallory/Adam for obvious reasons but ALSO bc with AJ he's so blown away by her genuine care and sweetness and knows how rare that is bc 900 years of interacting with people has TAUGHT HIM how rare it is and he wants to protect that, keep it safe from everything even him and AUUUGGHHHHH And AJ is so sad for him that whatever happened, whatever he lost, hurt him so deeply that he's this scared of it happening again, with her. They both know there's Something There. They both WANT to do something about it, but Adam is too afraid of losing her, of being broken, and AJ doesn't want to press forward until they're doing it together(She Will Convince Him. She is water wearing away rock and just as patient)

Does it make it better or worse wrt the first aid kit that I kinda h/c he starts carrying that regardless of if he's romanced/bff or not bc he's Adam "preparedness is a virtue" du Mortain, and it's just how it's utilized that changes based on his relationship with MC? Like, if you're not bffs/romancing he'd just hand it over and asks if you want help(at which point your LI or bff could step in, if present) + there's a lecture on Being Careful if he does help you. BFF gets lecture + Snark about you being careful bc you aren't invincible(that would be fun with Kasey :P) and romanced gets some variation of like AJ.

(also I love seeing the differences between mallory and aj and kira in regards to their post-book 3 relationship with adam)

howdy howdy!!

how are you?

how’s school?

anything interesting going on lately?

(kisses your head and hands you shiny objects)

💕💕💕hope you’re doing well💕💕💕

River my beloved!!! Thank you for reaching out 🥺 I am doing okay, I've just been somewhat busy and haven't found the energy to do much on tumblr. And like I've considered posting about life here but I know thats not what ppl follow me for and i dont want to annoy anyone lol

School is okay, I don't have too much work going on rn which is nice! Mostly what's been keeping me busy and my mind occupied is boys (half affectionate half derogatory) lmao

Long story short(ish. I can't for the life of me tell short stories, I blame the A.D.D.) there was this guy that asked me out on a couple dates a while ago and he was super sweet but I just wasn't really feeling it and I accidentally ghosted him for nearly a week bc I was so stressed about seeing him again (I didn't really want to but I know my therapist wanted me to try this)(side note, she's great, i love her).

At any point, any of them could be the main character.

You could pick anyone in this series to focus on, anyone's story to look at, and they could be the main character. There are moments when I'm reading about a character (not even from their perspective) that makes me understand them on such a deep level that I almost want to go read about them instead, to know what their story is. I always want to know how they got to this point, what they're thinking, what point in the journey they're at. They feel like people to me.

So I work for a large company for my job. Tbh I’m super serious when it comes to work. I’m trying to be better about keeping a good work life balance

So obvs I don’t talk about things I like such as anime cause I mean some of my coworkers wouldn’t understand

But then this BRAVE SOUL started the conversation and literally 5 other of my coworkers started talking about anime and I was able to gush about my hero academia

Tbh it was refreshing and I was so happy to let some of my true self shine through at work as the big nerd that I am 🤓😩

TL;DR

aw thank you so much for ur question! I am so hoping to help! Ok so I'm not sure how much energy/mobility you have atm but most of my stuff is diy and thrifted, but lots of it can be in bed crafts! so i hope it can help

❥ you can make a star garland by cutting construction paper (gold or pastel or any color) into stars and taping/gluing it to sewing thread! heres a example tutorial

❥pastel stuffed animals (thrift store)

❥fairy lights (u can even get star or heart or mushroom shaped ones online!)

❥hang up printed photos or polaroid, glue glitter and stickers and write cute things on them and hang them!

❥glow in the dark stars on the wall or cieling (thrift store / dollar store/online)

❥soft pastel sheets (thriftstore often has lovely soft things in baby section!)

❥satin pillow (good 4 ur skin and hair! remember 2 wash ofetn :))

❥ tassel garland decoration diy

❥felt banner diy/statement banner diy

❥make collages! look up "rookie mag collage kit" and get crafting!

❥hang a ribbon as a cute divider on your wall with masking tape

❥hang soft sheets or scarves or silky things from the cieling in interesting drapey ways so it feels kind of like a fort (thrift store!!)

❥bedside table?? or shelves? or a litte step stair thing to put rocks and picture frames and mugs and troll dolls and whatever else u like on ?

❥hang flowers (dried real, or fake) from sewing thread from the cieling

❥definitaly get a cute pastel lap tray with a cup holder (bean bag ones are really nice)

❥fuzzy pillows

❥posters/printed pictures from tumblr u like taped to ur wall/decorated with glitter n stickers

One is that I think sometimes I struggle because I don’t spend as much time with my best friend as I should.  And, that’s not me feeling guilt-ridden for it.  It’s more being frustrated with adult life and responsibilities and only having so much time in a given day, week, or month.  Ideally, we see one another once a week, maybe every two.  But, this last stretch was the better part of three weeks.  Which, in the scheme of things isn’t that long... But, it feels long.  I am extraordinarily lucky to have someone in my life that just gets me so well.  (And I would like to state here, for the record, that she’s not the only one that does... But, she’s the closest of my dearest friends geographically.)  Not just because we’ve spent so much time together, but because our brains function very much along similar wavelengths.  So much so that I know when there’s a third party they might feel left out except that we work hard to pull them in on the fun- and more often than not we succeed.  We have our own language (rather like, we are quick to point out, the episode “Darmok” in Star Trek TNG) made up of an extensive vocabulary of quotes (from shows, music, and ourselves) and a mythos that is constantly evolving over time- some ~15 years worth at this point.

I say all that not to brag, but to say that there’s a lot of healing and bolstering that comes just from being known.  From being amongst your own kind.  I spend a lot of time feeling out of step with the people in my daily life.  I love them; of course I do.  And, I like to think they love me, too.  But, they often don’t know what to make of me.  And I’m baffled by their motivations, mistrust, and behaviors.  A joke that misses the mark.  A story that I tell that doesn’t fit in with their world view.  Sharing a bit of my silliness and color and queerness that drops at their feet and stays there.  I feel very alone at my core most of the time, very separate.  Not even a square peg in a round-hole world, but something else entirely.  There’s no space that quite feels like one I should occupy.  I can manage for a time, but it’s tiresome and and makes me sad.  I worry a lot that there’s something fundamentally different about me and I’m mostly being humored because that’s what people do when they can’t connect with something they don’t understand.  Or worse, when the one they’re trying to connect with doesn’t understand them.

Which is why it’s necessary for me to take this time with my best friend because when I’m with her I don’t feel like that.  From the moment we met, I never felt like that.  Not just because she’s capable of relating from the outside, though she can, but because she looks at my life and sees something familiar.  I don’t have to explain what I’ve done or how I feel, because she’s a step ahead and there with me already.  But, I can explain and not feel like a crazy person.

Which, I suppose is a long-winded way of saying I missed her these last few weeks and I’m grateful for the time we got to spend together.  Since she lives across town it’s not often she’s in my space anymore... Having her here and accepting it off-hand (because it’s all very you and you are great!)... I’ve said that my home is very much the place I let go and just be me.  How everything in it is a carefully curated collection of the things I love, collect, have been gifted, etc.  Having someone who knows me inside and out and loves me... in my space loving that space that is an extension of me?  I needed that.  Because we can’t have people in our heads, not really.  But I can watch someone walk through my home which is a physical representation of my headspace, and see that being appreciated.  I don’t realize how much that means to me until it’s happening.

Thing two is that I did get to do some explaining of the new things in my space to my other guest.  And if there’s one thing I love it’s explaining why I have something in my home- everything has a reason.  Most of them are very sentimental.  

“Why is this card here?”  Well, it was sent to me by a friend- she made it.  Like this card here, and that card over there, and that card over there... “Wow, I didn’t even notice those!”  They didn’t make them all by hand, but they still thought enough of me to pick them and send them to me.

“What even made you decide you wanted to have x trinket??”  I saw it and thought ‘that’s nifty! I’ll have it!’  That is how decorating works, right?  

“Who did this artwork?”  Oh!! My bestie painted that!  And the one over there.  And those two.  And the one in the bathroom, too!

“What is that thing on your bed with the teeth??” OH! That was a birthday present- it’s an angler fish hat.  “It’s so ugly!”  I love it. :D  I have a painting over here of an angler fish. “Wow! That’s something else, too!”  Yes, but it’s painted by the same artist who did this cute painting, and those five over there and OH these that I get every month for being a patron!

I live to tell the tale of my things because the stories are more important than the things, but the things prompts the story.  That’s why I keep them.  Mostly to tell myself the stories, of course.  But, I love telling them out loud, too.  Any amount of poking around my space is like an archaeological dig in to my headspace: my interests and the people I care about.