Nov 9, 2025
my sobriety...
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my sobriety...
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I tried to shop for clothes to cheer myself up.
.... didn’t work. I’m too curvy for standard sizing and too small for plus size and I just feel really shitty.
It doesn’t help that I’ve been in a really dark place mentally for a solid 2 months and I am. I literally feel like I look like this:
I really wish I was never born
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My mind goes from focusing on Jesus to checking if it had an effect; focusing on Jesus, check effect; Jesus, effect. Jesus, effect. The whole time. I can't focus on Him completely. No matter what I do. I can't find a balance between trusting Him for everything and not being lazy. When I'm active, I focus too much on my actions. When I trust Him, I get complacent.
I hate myself and I shouldn't. I don't know how to pray with confidence in Jesus' Name, trusting His righteousness and not my own. I fail at it every time I pray. I feel like a spiritual failure, always fucking up the things I shouldn't. Every. Single. Thing. Reading the Bible (reading it wrong), prayer (praying wrong), trust (trusting wrong), action (focusing on myself), joyfulness (the lack thereof). Everything.
I see how good God is towards people on Tumblr. Healing, knowledge, growth, guidance. And I get dismayed. There they are. There are people who know how to trust God, how to get to know Him, how to pray, how to do it right, not in their own strength but in Christ's, and here I am, not knowing what the heck I'm supposed to, what I'm supposed to think. Did cross a line and this is God's wrath on me? How does that part of his character fit in after Jesus? Why don't I experience God for who he is? Why is he so angry in my mind?
I know the Truth, but living it and experiencing it is the problem. I know about God's grace, I know about forgiveness, I know it all. Yet my heart is in a constant state of sorrow and looking to Jesus doesn't help me. Sometimes it does.
venting/really negative
wow i just feel emotionally crushed
just remembing how much of a horrible person i used to be and made everyones lives worse and im still not a great person
i definitely deserved to almost die but the only reason i even think i deserve to still be around is because i became better from it
I just saw someone say Shiro wasn't "valid rep" just because it wasn't explicitly stated/presented on screen.
...Way to try to invalidate people who actually identify with Shiro, who it amazing, revolutionary rep. And fyi, to most people, that scene was pretty damn clear. Also, Shiro can be single AND gay at the same time-- wow, imagine that!!
Comments invalidating Shiro as rep really fucking hurt man. But I'm just going to block and move on.