“Without alcohol, I have absolutely no idea who I am.”
…
Hot tears aside, I’m not quite sure what John means by that? I get that every memory or interest he could consider structural to his personality has been tainted by alcohol in some way, but surely alcohol isn’t the reason he liked these things in the first place? Surely sobriety hasn’t removed his love for his favourite music, writers, foods, games etc, or his relationship with his best friends ?
And I also get that booze was a way for him to run away from the way he felt deep inside, but even back when he was drinking, he was still very much aware of and pursued by those difficult feelings, which was one of the main things driving the habit. I’m pretty sure that even then, he could tell, albeit faintly, what the part of himself he was trying to suppress - so in some way, who he is “at the core” - looked like. Imo: a very anxious, hyper observant little boy in dire need of affection from his father 🙁
