#reader hates bugs

BUG OUT.ᐟ.ᐟ

⌯⌲ i effin’ hate bugs too!!!! i eat inside during cookouts ‘cause i’ll be damned if a bee thinks i’m gonna share my burger with it. also i had apparently started this, saved it as a draft, then completely forgot about it. i’m so sorry. a little longer than average.

A scream, more equivalent to a screech, rings out through the entire agency building, startling anyone within ear shot — which is just about anyone. Their heads all started swiveling around, people running from different areas to the office room, to see what is causing all the commotion, and people already in the office are at attention, in position to fight, on high alert. You’re huddled in the corner, far away from your desk, shaking your hands as you try to calm yourself down from completely freaking out. Everyone is trying to determine what the issue is, and you’re cowering.

“What’s going on?” Naomi asks, trying to approach you slowly, and your hand thrusts out, finger shaking as you point toward your desk. Her eyebrows come together, following the tip to the surface, and her eyes scan over it until she sees it. She gasps, jumping back into the corner with you, and you two are hugging each other. “No! Someone help!” She squeals, you both shaking in each other’s hold. “Junichiro!” She whines, you more grateful she is able to speak to come to your aid.

“What is going on with you two?” Fukuzawa comes out of his office then, the racket too much to bear, looking ever the irritated father as his hands remove from the comfort of his sleeves. As he is attempting to interrogate you and Naomi, Junichiro is peering over your desk, where he happened to also see you pointing, and his eyebrows arches.

“I’m not seeing anything out of the ordinary…” His finger gingerly, cautiously, moves your pencil holder, but there’s still nothing there. “What did you see?” Atsushi and Kyouka carefully inch up to your desk, the both of them taking turns looking, but they share a puzzled glance before shrugging and looking back in your direction. You’re scared stiff, eyes shut as you hug tight to Naomi, and she does the same.

“Ranpo, is there any chance you can deduce this to make the ruckus cease?” The president sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose, and his master detective peeks over his magazine, unphased in the slightest by the commotion.

“Nah, you’ll all figure it out,” he shrugs, flattening out the pages so he can read it better, choosing to ignore the situation. Fukuzawa sighs heavily, taking a stab at investigating, moving closer to your desk with his shoes clacking along the floor, and he takes some inadequate glances around the surface.

“Children, there’s nothing here,” he stands up straight, looking at you and Naomi over his shoulder, you two are tentative to believe him. You both know what you saw, and there’s no way you believe it’s gone so soon. “Please get back to work, we are behind on reports and they are due at the end of the week.”

“But… President, it’s still there! You aren’t looking hard enough!” Naomi fights for you, stomping her foot down then helplessly looking to her brother. “Do something!” He looks at her with big, helpless eyes, and glances at the president.

“I’d love to but… no one can see anything and neither of you are telling us what it is,” he tries speaking more gently, and Atsushi nods in agreement.

“Do you think you can describe it?” He looks at you expectantly, and your lips part, getting ready to speak, when Dazai, Kunikida, and Kenji decide to come in after their case, their steps slowing when they see everyone crowding around your desk with you panicked and tethered to your coworker. Kunikida adjusts his glasses, surveying the scene, and spares a side-eye to Dazai.

“What’s goin’ on?” Kenji smiles, just as he does, believing there’s a surprise party happening that they just walked into.

“We’re trying to find out why they’re hiding in a corner,” Kyouka explains, gesturing to you two, and he cocks his head.

“Oh, I guess that is weird. I thought we were celebrating something!” Dazai’s gaze trails around the entire room, seeing Ranpo at his desk, uninvolved, the president looking as if he is on his last leg and in need of a nap, the others circling your desk, and Naomi holding you still. He can tell from his spot at the front door how badly you’re shaking, shoulders trembling, and the soft sound of heels clicking in the hallway makes his ears perk. His line of sight flickers to your desk, something swiftly crawling away, and his brows twitch together.

“I heard screaming,” Yosano decides to join, brushing her hands on her skirt, coming in on the scene a bit too late. “Is everything okay?” She does the same assessment, then does little to hide her amused smirk, acutely aware of what the problem is. “Oh, have we had ourselves a run-in?” She asks, directing the question toward you as a hand places on her hip, and you hesitantly nod.

“You know what the issue is?” Kunikida addresses her, and Dazai decides to slowly make his way toward you, keeping his gaze on your desk, hands in his pockets.

“Sure do!” She sings, wearing a giant grin, teeth showing, before patting him on the shoulder. “Good luck!” She waves, scurrying off back down the hall to hide away in her medical room. Kenji decided during that time to root around more thoroughly at your desk, moving more than Junichiro did, while Kyouka and Atsushi watch him diligently with focused intent. Junichiro is trying to comfort his sister, who won’t detach herself from you. Ranpo starts whistling while flipping his magazine. Fukuzawa retreated to his private office as soon as the opportunity presented itself. And Kunikida decides to disengage as well, making way for his desk so he can complete his work that even he is falling behind on due to the increased workload you all suddenly received.

“What seems to be the matter?” Dazai soothes, leaned down some to essentially patronize you, but you’re too terrified to care. He sports a lopsided smile, and you look up at him as if you’re a trembling kitten in the alley on a rainy day.

“Is this your problem?” Kenji calls out to you, his hand raised, and a spider’s leg is pinched between his fingers while it flails around in his hold. You scream again, ducking away into Naomi’s neck, who has decided to completely abandon you to jump into Junichiro’s arms as she also yelps, hiding her face in his shirt. Shining brown irises glide over to observe, and his smiles falters into a strange grimace that he isn’t doing well to hide.

“Great work, Kenji!” His voice is rough, teetering between calm and internally freaking out, taking a small step closer toward you. “Now, why don’t you go ahead and let the poor thing free?” Your hands are clinging to his sleeve, worried the other is going to do the unimaginable, and you need a human shield.

“It’s just a spider!” Kenji laughs, your instinct right when he starts walking over, the deadly, eight-legged creature dangling in the air, and it is only a matter of time for it to somehow detach itself from its captured limb and scamper off elsewhere. “You guys are getting worked up over nothing!”

“Kenji, maybe don’t walk around with that thing,” Atsushi voices what is screaming repeatedly in your head, bringing a fascinated Kyouka with him as he steps back. “What if you lose it?” That makes Kunikida’s head turn, not allowing his reaction to be visible in his features, but the thought of it running loose again is also not sitting well with him — primarily because it will continue this endeavor when he wishes it would end already.

“K-Kenji, please don’t bring that thing any closer,” Dazai’s voice shakes and cracks a bit as he speaks, doing what he can to shield you, but now even he is getting freaked out. “That thing is… well, it’s huge.” He states, blunt, and you’re clinging to him for dear life.

“Wow, Dazai, I didn’t think you of all people would be afraid of a little spider!” Ranpo chuckles, exaggerating the flip of the next page as he props his fist on his cheek.

“I have to agree with Dazai,” Junichiro cuts in, rubbing Naomi’s back to calm her, but he also takes a step back, surprised but not that Kenji’s just waving the damn thing around. “That’s no ‘little’ spider.” The other beams, stopping right in front of you and Dazai, the last two standing in the vicinity, and extends his arm out.

“Just look at it!” He encourages. Your heart stops before screaming unreasonably loud, leaping up into Dazai’s arms, where he also lets out a small, embarrassing yelp when he catches you on instinct, and hides his face away in your neck. You two stand there, Shaggy and Scooby style, shaking in each other’s grasp from a spider, and the room falls incredibly silent. Ranpo peeks up, hand already digging in his pocket for his phone, and snaps a picture while he has the chance before rushing to hide it away again. Even the Tanizaki siblings are staring at you two with weird yet quizzical expressions, while Kyouka and Atsushi are baffled. A few of the clerks and secretaries murmur amongst themselves, and Kunikida is doing everything in his power to not be distracted by the unwavering quiet.

“I’ll uh…” Kenji bites on his lip briefly, preventing himself from letting out even the tiniest of chuckles, hurriedly turning on his heel with his new spider friend to rush out the door. “I’ll set the little guy free!” You faintly hear him call out then disappearing. One eye cracks open, sliding around the room, and catch some of Dazai’s shaggy hair in your view, the realization hitting you that you are above ground.

“Can everyone get back to work now please?!” Fukuzawa bellows from his office, and your “hero’s” head whips up to see that the deadly menace has departed. You two share a sidelong glance, both red in the faces, and he carefully sets you back to your feet, and you adjust your shirt, smoothing it out. Then casually walk back to your desk to sit in your chair and connect your fingers to your laptop keys as if nothing happened.

“Dazai, you always are so dramatic,” you roll your eyes, and he just stares at you, eye twitching, and shoves his hands in his pockets.

“Mr. Dazai, I thought you weren’t afraid of anything?” Kyouka’s soft but flat voice carries from where she stands, and it just makes the detective start pouting, and Atsushi's hand comes up to cover the lower half of his face to conceal his grin.

“They’re the one that jumped in my arms,” he grumbles, but absolutely no one is going to take his side, forcing him to trudge off to his desk while the rest go back to doing their paperwork, the same as you, like this is an everyday occurrence.

idk if dazai actually is afraid of spiders, this just seemed funnier & i wanted a laugh.

- ghxst

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