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And as I sit here with my old guitar, playing long forgotten songs from the 70s, my heart beats a little bit lighter, as I hear myself humming Rhiannon and Roxanne, I feel like I don't belong here, I'd rather live back then, when life was not as fast as it is now.
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The other day you asked why I was with you. And on the spot I was kind of caught off guard. I could go on and on. In the moment I made a joke something along the lines of, “well have you seen your ass?” But really… I mean really what it comes down to is when you connect with someone. I don’t mean physically or emotionally. But when your soul connects with another soul. You can’t let that go. It wasn’t some love at first sight situation. I mean I knew of you and was around you for awhile before we ever had a real conversation about more than soccer or school. But once in awhile there were little flashes inside my brain. Like small explosions. And years went along. I was still the same fucked up kid I had always been. You just kept… being you. When something big happens.. and I kind of forced myself in front of you. Those little explosions turned into earthquakes. Sentences you’d say tore apart the foundation of what I had been building. I mean it was already rocky but I tried. Those earthquakes shattered the smoke and mirror affect I had sounded myself with. It took a long time.. months. But now that the dust has settled. Here I am. In awe of the light of life itself. And even standing with the sunset behind you. You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve seen in a long time. When I say that I mean deeper than your eyes, freckles or that goofy grin. Your soul is something this universe needs. I’m just happy I get to be around that. Even if it’s just for the time being.
loss is a hole in your throat and chest
like a shotgun hit you twice at once
you can't speak
you can't whisper
you can stay silent
or scream
the hallway of Loss is too bright, the doors never open or the knobs fall off every time you try a new way to run away.
the smell of Loss is worse than too drunk and ready to puke, but you can't
like the throat and chest bullet wounds of Grief
You can't.
you're stuck
Spliced between
Moving on
or dying inside each day hoping the next sunrise doesn't hurt so bad
its a psych ward hallway walk towards isolation
a jailhouse march to the Parole review
Limbo of the heart and soul
thats Loss
SATISFACTION
I don't know if I've really felt it...satisfaction
Everyone talks about it like it's the full feeling, but for me, Its a flicker. A passing shadow, a moment I only notice when its gone, just like a synching file without the owner of the device being aware.
Sometimes I do everything ''right''-and yet it still doesn't feel like enough. Other times, I do nothing ,and my heart still begs for a reward.
What really is satisfaction? Is it a destination or a decision ? A soft place to land, or just silence between storms?
Maybe i'm still learning. Maybe i'm chasing a feeling that was not intent on staying. But i'm here,writing from a hollow place,hoping one sentence will feel like a full breath.
But maybe that's what satisfaction is...not the end. Just the fact that I am still trying, doing my best to be what I can, but you know...seeing my future self has already given me satisfaction
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Desperation
It was a plea out of desperation Without meaning And for that I apologize I’m sorry I made you believe I wanted more time with you I’m sorry I made you believe I could make life work with you You were never the one It was the feeling of failing That led me to confess All the so called confessions that were never confessions Because they were empty desperate words In hope that something would stick Not because I was head over heels But because I’ve never lost before I never wanted you from the start Not how you wanted me at least But I pushed through I'm unsure why and then I almost tried to stay I’m grateful for your push back Because what a miserable life that would have been
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I feel strange; I feel like I can put a bullet through my head. I feel, I can pull the trigger with my eyes open. One moment I feel sane. The next, my sanity dances on the edge of the cliff with music on.
Euphoric- mediocre love;
this is pleasure for a second's worth.
Ecstatic- at the edge of the world;
Don't pull me back-
I've never seen such mesmerizing beauty;
And oh I said your eyes pulled me in-
Never like this.
This is getting high to feel nothing-
feel it all.
Oh you nearly killed me-
With that smile- sparking pain through fireworks-
I like your play.
Purple, blue, glitter high.
Neon midnight, shining sky.
Forget you- no, I can't cry.
Might dance with Pearl's ghost-
Hey, no I'm dancing to forget my words;
I said to you-
This music is better than that love.
My drought of a life got reason to bloom-
It was you- sweet high;
Came falling faster than Zumanjaro.
On my tippy-toes, head-first -
Air all but killed me- you.
Oh dear, euphoric- this mediocre love;
Ecstatic- at the edge of the world.
No, I won't mean anything in the daylight.
Wonders and dreams- never too far for a trip;
together down the rabbit hole;
Just you and me- Euphoric; this mediocre love.
Ecstatic; at the edge of the world.
