#rauko

:p

But not in front of people. For the longest, Cas had thought that he was reading into things, that he was simply being hopeful. But he could no longer deny the way Dean was around him, the way his eyes followed him, the way he found silly excuses to touch him, the way his fingers lingered when he did so, the way he licked his lips as his eyes paused on Cas’s. And when they were alone, Dean sat a little closer. His touches lingered a little longer. He hugged Cas a little more. He smiled at him a little wider.

It was infuriating. Because Cas...Cas was so gone on Dean. Yet, for some unknowable reason, and even though Dean seemed to love him too, it wasn’t allowed. Dean was not his. Why couldn’t Dean be his? Because he was Dean’s completely. Every molecule of grace and flesh no longer belonged to its creator. It belonged wholly to this wild, green-eyed hunter that was now dipping another partner. 

Cas stood and walked towards the door. He needed air. He needed a few moments to not have to carefully fix his face as though he didn’t care. It was a small wedding, just the hunter family, but it was suddenly too much of a crowd for Cas. He stepped out and breathed in the night air. He walked around and leaned against the wall outside Jody’s house where Sam and Eileen’s wedding and reception were being held. It wasn’t long before he heard his voice. 

“Cas? Everything okay buddy?” Cas’s insides erupted in a mixture of butterflies and searing pain. He wanted to cry. He wanted to scream. He wanted to knock some sense into Dean and then push him up against the wall and kiss him senseless. He wanted to pull him into his arms and hold him until Dean acknowledged that he belonged there, that he fit there, and that no two people had ever needed each other more. But he did none of those things.

“I’m fine, Dean.” He didn’t watch Dean’s reaction. He kept his eyes closed and head leaned back against the wall.

The ground crunched under Dean’s feet and he shuffled them. “Um, okay. I...I’ll see you inside then.”

Cas listened to Dean’s footsteps retreat before sinking to the ground. Angels don’t cry, but Cas had never been a very good angel. He propped an elbow on one knee, put his face in his hand, and let the tears fall. He thought of Sam and Eileen and how happy they were, how beautiful they looked in each others arms twirling around the room. Why couldn’t he and Dean be like that? Why couldn’t he hold Dean’s hand? Why couldn’t he pull Dean close and kiss him in front of their family and God and everyone? Why couldn’t he scream out what everyone already knew...that he loved Dean Winchester with every corporeal and incorporeal part of his being? Why-

“Cas?” Cas jerked his head up to see Dean standing above him. “Cas...shit, man. What…?” Dean moved to kneel next to him but Cas stopped him and stood instead, facing him with red-rimmed eyes. Dean faltered for a moment before bringing a hand to Cas’s face. “Cas...buddy, what’s wrong?”

Cas leaned into the touch for a moment and brought his hand up to cover Dean’s, threading their fingers together. He watched as Dean’s eyes stuck on their interlaced fingers, then sighed. He pulled Dean’s hand away from his face. “It’s nothing, Dean.”

“Dude, it’s obviously something.” Cas shook his head and made to leave. Dean stopped him and pinned him to the wall, stepping in close, ignoring any sense of “personal space” that he once would have demanded. It irritated Cas. What did Dean want from him? And would he even…

Castiel scowled. “Would you stand this close if Sam were here?”

That surprised Dean. He sucked in a quick breath and stepped back. “I...what does that...dude, what are you talking about?”

“This, Dean.” Cas took Dean’s hand and pulled it back to him, returning it to its earlier position of his cheek. “Sometimes...you touch me like this, or like this…” he raised his other hand to the back of Dean’s neck, thumb tracing lines on the side of it, fingers reaching up into short hair, “but only when noone’s looking. What does it mean, Dean?”

Dean stood with mouth gaping, seemingly unable to find words. His eyes were full of the same pain that Cas himself was so familiar with. “Cas, I…” He shut his mouth and swallowed, not finding a response. 

“I want to dance with you, Dean.”

Dean let out a shaky laugh. “What?”

“I want to dance with you...and let people see. I want to hold your hand when we walk. I want to tell you that I love you. I want to tell everyone that I love you. I want to scream it out for them to know that no being in existence has ever loved anyone more than I have loved you. Dean, I...why can’t we be like that? Dean-”

Whatever else Cas was going to say was cut off as he found himself again crowded against the wall with Dean pressed close. “Cas…” Dean’s eyes played over his face. His fingers traced the same patterns...up to his hairline, down along his jaw, brushed gently over his lips. His fingers cupped Cas’s jaw as his eyes slowly came back up to meet Cas’s. “I’m no good at this, Cas.”

“At what, Dean?”

“At loving you. Because I do. I need you. I love you so god damn much, but...I don’t know how to do it without hurting you. I’m scared, Cas.”

“Dean…” But Dean’s lips were on his, barely, timidly, chastely, but they were there. They moved slowly, testing. Cas sighed into it, returning it just as softly. Dean pulled away with a shy look on his face.

“Um, I just realized that you never said in that list of things that you actually wanted to kiss me…”

Cas let out a soft laugh and pulled Dean back to him, pressing their lips together, wrapping his arms around Dean’s back and running his hands over it gently. Dean’s arms wound themselves around Cas as well. One had found it’s way into Cas’s hair and pulled him tighter, deepening the kiss. Cas smiled against Dean’s lips. “I love you, Dean...in unreasonable amounts.”

“I...I love you too, Cas...so much.”

Cas hummed and buried his face into Dean’s neck. They stood there like that for a moment, just holding each other, enjoying the feel of it before Dean lifted Cas’s chin for one more small kiss, took his hand, and began pulling him towards the door.

“Dean? What are-”

Dean turned back with a shy smile. “I, uh...think I owe you a dance.”