#random brain dump

literally just what the title of the text says.

alright unfortunately I didn't write down every single thought I had while watching it the way I usually do but I watched it in different bits

here’s whats bothering me about tadc (and ragatha especially)

They’re all portraying different ways of hating yourself 

Jax

hates himself cuz he hates everything and everyone it’s not personal it’s just raw hatred and hes dumb yeah Jax I called you dumb I dont think your jokes are witty are you gonna cry or even weaker SHOOT YOURSELF? Anyway Jax hating himself is chaotic theres no particularly reason which is driving him insane cuz that means theres no solution to his chaos either

ZOOBLE

hates themselves cuz they hate being in this body and it feels wrong being made this way very obvious trans themes and it’s an internal struggle and the shot of them pep talking dangle and THEM IN THE MIRROR SO IT’S LIKE THEY’RE SAYING IT TO THEMSELVES gold 

Honestly even theIR character design is the least human like 

she’s got body image issues WITHIN THIS GROUP OF SCRAP TOYS ITS HEARTBREAKING actually 

sorry guys I like corny stuff like that 

I think zooble is cool cuz they’re not really affected by the outside world its an internal turmoil really AND they dont make it everybody’s problem DO YOU SEE THAT JAX THATS HOW YOU DEAL WITH DIFFICULT FEELINGS

RAGATHA - im sorry 

I cried every time it was her monologuing I just 

Its like it struck a nerve in the deepest darkest insecurities I have and sometimes SOMETIMES YOU CAN BE A NICE PERSON AND PEOPLE WONT LIKE YOU AND THATS OKAY I wish she knew if someone doesnt like you it doesnt mean that they hate you and sometimes its not even about YOU it’s just them and everyone says this but its so hard accepting it especially when you find people so intriguing 

And why do others have it so easy why do people like Jax and pomni get loved so easily 

I felt horrible 

She kept looking over at them

I dont think its romantic 

I think its

Every time theres a new person 

It’s a chance to have a. Best friend

AND JAX JUST COMES IN AND FUCKS EVEYRHTING UP ALL THE FUCKIN TIME AND people still love him and I dont get 

And remember ragatha YOUR OPINION MATTERS TOO 

DO YOU EVEN LIKE THEM?? DO THEY ASK YOU ANTYHING?? A SINGLE QUESTION??? Who cares what they think IM TELLING YOU THEY DONT MATTER

I wish they didnt pair up that way tho

I wish you were someones priority 

I wish you didnt have to leave yourself out cuz you know they’d rather pair with each other 

ITS NO ONES FAULT BUT IM SO SORRY 

Im sorry your mom hates you  

And honestly we dont know anything about her other than SHE KEEPS APOLOGIZING AND SHES COMPETITVE AND KEEPS TRYING TO BE HAPPY and also 

CAN JAX STOP DEEPFRYING HER HELLO 

CAN YOU FUCKINS STOP YOU FUCKIN CRAZY PERSON he keeps making these THESE RUDE COMMENTS AND CALLING HER PATHETIC and it feels so demeaning and 

I hate I HATE THAT THERES HINTS OF them being close friends before

Idk about her but I just feel like like she’s like me in highschool and when I was at my worst

And she finds the worst person in the room to give her self worth to so if she can get this oNE person to like her and please this ONE person everything will be okay and since this is self destruction you pick the person who’s an actual psychopath

Idk maybe im just tired

Anyway the SOFTBALL EPISODE ESPECIALLY BOTHERED ME NO ONE CARES WHEN SHES BATTING they just talk in the stands even when she’s trying she’s missing out its like she’s always MISSING OUT NO MATTER WHAT SHE DOES and she’s so afraid they’d be fine without her and WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP THINKING SHES NOT GENUINE maybe 

Maybe shed relax IF THEY WOULD JUST LET HER AND IF IT WASNT ALL CONDITIONAL AND if they didnt hate her

ok would I hate her irl yes but thats cuz I hate high school me and this was just EVERYTHING WRONG WITH ME and I hope im better now

gangle 

Cute

typical self worth issues kinda hate themselves im broken and no one else is SORY CHILD EVERYONE HATES THEMSELVES actually thats not true im realizing thats not true when I started talking to people irl

possibly a furry 

I just felt like she’s so young and so unaware and its cute theres room for growth 

I like that zooble sees her

I like that SHES NOT JUST JAXS PUNCHING BAG he was making it so much worse

Im glad someone likes her art

Thats important 

Dont hate me for saying this but her issues feel like when youre a teenager and comparing yourself to everyone else and hormones and not being able to control your emotions and this dooming sense of sadness that never goes away and then you learn to accept it and celebrate the not completely sad moments in life and its not so bad its really not 

Idk whatever

Pomni 

Okay so I loved her in the beginning I LOVE CONNECTING I LOVE ASKING PEOPLE HOW THEY REALLY FEEL and its amazing how emotionally available she is she’s going through it everyday 

I wish I started writing this earlier but I didnt 

Id have more to say about how I relate to her 

But after the softball episode

I just 

Im a bit upset

Not cuz of anything else this whole ragatha Jax pomni thing triggered me 

I think she’s an amazing main character 

Love her design 

Think she’s so smart

OHMYGOD HER AND THTA GUMMY GUY

I WAS SO TOUCHED

THAT WAS MY FAVOURITE FRIENDSHIP IW AS IN SHOCK WHEN HE DIED

I loved her SO MUCH EPISODE 2 

THATS WHAT I FEEL THE “HEALED” version of myself is like but theres just

This 12 year old inside me that KEEPS 

I DONT KNOW 

I think im waiting for signs from the world that I wasnt a bad person when I was 12 and the reason I didnt have friends was cuz they sucked not cuz I sucked and theres still parts of her in me and 

She’s so emotionally available and the voice of reason and I like the she doesnt have a set character BUT ALSO SHES NOT BLAND AS THE MC I like it done very well

kinger

sad and crazy

Caine

MY CAPITALIST ART GOD 

MY PRO AI ART GOD

MY BUSINESS PARTNER

ME ACTUALLY ME

He just wants to plan things and have people enjoy his plans 

Hes just a little dictator that wants his ocs to be happy while DOING EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTS

MY ADHD KING

MY BUSINESS TYCOON

MY NERD WHOS MAKING IMAGINARY FRIENDS

Bubble

of your resplendent flame,

as a trophy of their cruelty.

A white flag,

a hopelessness,

a defeat.

Ignorant that your shimmer,

is that of love,

of strength,

of joy.

That despite their misguided hope

to erase you,

amongst the roaring tempest of their hate,

The only thing their bluster has inspired—

Is the stoking of your blaze.

Burn on, my darlings.

Burn unapologetically.

Burn brightly.

It reminded me of how I chose commerce subjects as I had initially planned to do BBA and MBA to take up event management as my career. And here i am, after a complete 360° and pursuing law instead with a minor is HUMANITIES subjects 🤣🔫

“New year’s resolutions?”

Mulder looks over at her with one of his sidelong, appraising glances. “Do I look like the type who makes resolutions?”

“Come on, Mulder. We’re stuck in this car on New Year’s Eve on what is most assuredly a dead-end stakeout all because you’re convinced that one Herman Jiménez is preparing to escort his family to a new home somewhere in the heavens, compliments of a spaceship steered by little green men. Humor me just this once and play along. And yes, I do think you’re the type to make resolutions.”

“Well, see, that’s where you’re wrong. I don’t make resolutions at the beginning of a new year. I make promises instead.”

“Do tell.”

“Resolutions are rules you’re pledging to hold yourself to. And by their very nature are prone to failure. Promises, on the other hand, are gifts we give ourselves, goals we set which are much more achievable than anything holding to hard and fast rules.”

“Oh, my God,” she sighs in exasperation. “Fine. Promises, then. Do you have any for this upcoming new year?”

“If I tell you, they won’t count,” he argues.

“They’re not birthday wishes you hope for as you blow out candles on a cake, Mulder. It’s okay to share them.”

“How do you know? I’m not taking any chances, Scully.” He fiddles with the radio dial and finds a DJ doing the countdown to 2001. They’re soon to hit the 30 second mark. “And besides, last year’s turned out pretty well. Why would I want to risk it and tell you this year’s?”

“You-” she stops short and studies him intently as the seconds tick down. “Was kissing me a promise you made to yourself last new year’s eve, Mulder?”

He holds up a finger to stop her as the far too enthusiastic DJ begins the 10 second mark in his countdown. At seven seconds he twists in his seat and leans toward her. By the four second mark, he has her cheeks held firmly in his warm palms. He has those mesmerizing eyes of his locked onto hers at two seconds. 

“I’ll never tell,” he whispers and closes the small distance between them as the new year is ushered in on radio station WKIO: Your Station For the Best in Classic Rock.

I wonder if by stating that he would be a predator for good, he's differentiating himself from what he states himself that spiders do: just preying indiscriminately on the weak. Henry isn't just a simple 'predator', he's a predator with a purpose. That's definitely the ends justifies the means reasoning added there, as Henry has a purpose behind what he does and his discontent with people who lie.

Lie being the operative word because I think to Henry the world isnt split into bad and good people, but people who cannot lie and people who do. People like Will, Barbara, El, and Henry who are obviously 'different' and get othered and bullied for it from the get-go. People who are often thrown under the bus by those who can hide their 'true selves'- which usually consist of bystanders and oppressors (using the term loosely to mean people who hold up the status quo to some extent). His end goal being to disrupt the source of that hierarchy: humanity's lack of need for survival which allowed them to comfortably create and apply meaningless customs and standards to everyone, even those who don't fit and cannot fit.

(and that dynamic is pretty harped on especially in s4: el-owens-brenner, henry-victor-virginia, chrissy-chrissy's father-chrissy's mother, etc. But also it's definitely much more complicated than that as we see characters like Chrissy and Patrick while being abused at home are at the top of the food chain at school. The dynamics change based on environment but at the end of the day you have people who can lie and hide very well and those who cannot- outcasts).