#radiothorn

Likes you? Please, Alastor, that’s demented. This is why you’re better off with me. Dear, this whole “friendship” that you’ve invented just proves you’re missing my affection.

Why would he like you, come now, really? Look at you, you think you’re such a catch?

Don’t get too cozy, stick with Rosie. Mama…

“No.”

No?

Oh. I see how it is.

Alastor knows best. Alastor’s so mature now. A gentleman with quaint appeal.

Alastor knows best. Well, if you’re so sure now, wait until he strikes a deal!

That is why he’s here. Do not let him sway you. Give into him, watch, you’ll see.

Trust me, my deer, blink and he’ll betray you.

I won’t say I told you so.

No, Alastor knows best! So if his crush is harmless, go and put him to the test!

If he’s lying, don’t come crying!

And Rosie is there. She knows who he is, what happened, her voice is oh so familiar.

And Alastor thinks, he knows, that she did something to bring him here. He knows she's more powerful that she let out, he feels it, and once he manages to pull himself together, his first fully formed realization won't be "I died" but "I made a mistake."

Not now. Now, Rosie is here. It's okay, dying is such a cumbersome transition, Alastor will adjust very quickly! In the maintime, does he want some tea, maybe a snack while they're at it?– Oh, the poor thing, Rosie must have figured Alastor would be frightened, here, it's okay, she'll hold him, talk softly in his ears so he can focus on her voice and not the dozens of frequencies, she'll caress his forehead gently – there's nothing there, the bullet is gone, Alastor is just imagining the pain, it will pass

BUT. I have been STRUCK with this image:

RadioRose Mother Knows Best (Reprise) from Tangled. Rosie being the one to encourage Alastor into believing Vox is only after power. Why would this be any different? Alastor really thinks he found a friend! Ha! Hilarious! Nobody is friends without a price down here. If he’s lying, don’t come crying…

I think I've mentioned before how I have my completely original writing projects and ideas. So, I have my own vampire lore. In short – a vampire biting you won't necessarily turn you into one, it's a whole complicated process that can't be an accident. Also, I was on Wattpad in 2017ish, I've read an unhealthy amount of those vampire keeping human as blood bag and calling them a pet stories that honestly caused me irriversable brain damage.

Anyway, my Thoughts. Vincent is a serial killer, and he's still this TV personality and very much human. He goes on his murder sprees. Vampire Alastor finds out about it and thinks "what is that? Another vampire in my territory? Unacceptable!". Vampires try to hide their existence, so the bodies not having obvious bite marks isn't uncommon. And, Vincent can get away with his escapades more easily because the area is already known for gruesome and seemingly random murders.

Cue to Alastor tracking down this supposed other vampire. Cue to Vincent thinking he's going crazy because of the shadows being weird around him and other unexplained shit going on.

Then this showdown confrontation happens at last. Alastor is on the side of cautious because vampires do have individual powers, like with his shadows, so he doesn't know what to expect from Vincent. Vincent is being the privileged white man he is and thinks he can talk himself out of it. No, he didn't kill that guy, he found him bleeding out and was trying to take him to a hospital, oh– wait, the guy has stopped breathing and he just now noticed? Better to call the police and get out of there so they don't get blamed for it! Alastor thinks Vincent has some mind control powers siren style and they just aren't working because Alastor is a powerful vampire and lesser vampire's powers don't affect him. Vincent thinks he's invincible because why wouldn't he? Nothing has ever gone wrong in his life, this won't be any different.

A bit of back and forth and Alastor finally realizes that, no, Vincent is just a human. Interesting. He'll keep taps on him. No eating him for now unfortunately, because Alastor has the tendency to kill his human food, even though technically if he's being careful he can avoid it.

Rosie will be in this too because I think this will easily spiral into a novel length fic. There are no soul contracts here but I'll add some vampire hierarchy for flavor, Rosie is above Alastor in the food chain, they still have a pleasant relationship that's just on the side of not exactly platonic because toxic RadioRose my beloved. Something something, vampires can drink blood from one another. Something something some sexual undertones because you can't have a vampire story without those!

So, Alastor is keeping taps on Vincent to make sure his human is okay. Vincent develops this... obsession, plainly said, about this random guy who clearly didn't fall for the charade but hasn't reported him. He swears he sees his silhouette in the shadows sometimes. He swears he feels eyes on him constantly.

Potentially I can have Alastor befriending Vincent for funsies. And eventually when Vincent finds out about Alastor's nature he wants to exploit it somehow and Alastor feeling betrayed, kidnaps him, and Typical Vampire Pet Shenanigans happen. I swear this used to be a common Wattpad trope, it's not just me being Puppy Vox again, LOOK IT UP!

And because I'm me and I've had this Vampire Valentino design collecting dust, Val will be roped into this. Something something, Valentino running into Vincent, liking him, and starting to lure this clearly queer but homophobic man into his clutches. And, you know, I can go on full vampire biting as metaphor for sex AND plain vampire sex with Val being there. Also, I'm a simple person, I have my needs, one of those is Vampire Valentino. Cue to Alastor being like "oh no no, this is my human toy, keep away from him or we're gonna have problems" and MothMedia begins! Valastor fighting over this pathetic man. Valentino being himself and dancing on Alastor's nerves. Alastor finding Valentino distasteful. The usual.

Heavy on the dubcon and potentially straight up noncon here, because, yeah, Vincent is being himself, he has some weird repressed kinks, and... LOOK, he doesn't LIKE men, he isn't gay, he isn't one of those freaks, but he doesn't have any say in the matter when it comes to vampires, it's not by choice, he only finds it hot because vampires can enchant you into liking them, right?! Obviously vampires can do that! But, you know, power imbalance, the threat of death and torture, Valentino not giving a shit about consent, Alastor thinking humans are below him. Again, usually stuff.

Rosie turned Alastor, therefore Alastor is subordinate to her, there's going to be some... Alastor has been around for while, his mother is long gone, and Rosie conveniently became the replacement mother figure. Essentially, toxic RadioRose, but the toxicity will be pretty much what we see in the show, plus some blood drinking as bonding, plus Alastor having some weirdly unhealthy attachment to Rosie that doesn't fall into any strict category... like, that weirdly sweet teacher you have in school that seemingly likes YOU specifically, but more on the nose. Also because this is a vampire fic there will probably be some formal ball event, just, Alastor calling Rosie "ma'am" and/or "dam".

This will take place in present times because I'm not researching the 50s technology stuff. They'll have smartphones damn it. Or... okay, middle ground, this will take place in the early 2000s because Y2K >>>>

Valentino has a business of selling and renting humans as blood bags, you need to pay extra for the sex stuff you horny freaks! In my lore biting a human doesn't necessarily kill or turn them, so, yay. Which means I might have to rope Angel into this mess as well!

Some random magic lore, specifically sigil magic that both Alastor and Rosie use. Valentino is going to be using a shitton of glamour magic, so... I can have him shapeshift if need be! You know, Alastor has his shadows, Rosie will be given the weird wall eyes for spying, VALENTINO CAN TURN HIMSELF INTO A CUTE MOTH TO FOLLOW PEOPLE AROUND BECAUSE I SAID SO!

Um, Velvette... ugh... I'll figure something out for her so the fic can pass the Bechdel Test! Um... herbal magic and potions maybe? Or, works with Valentino with the whole selling people for blood business and she makes sure they look presentable and gives the important ones some protective magic charms so they don't get killed accidentally??? Also, I can have Velvette as this enigma of "WHO THE FUCK TURNED HER, DOES ANYONE KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT?!" going around between the vampires, and the story is that she killed the vampire that turned her. No idea how I'll have vampires be killed here, maybe going with being stabbed with blessed objects???

Vox. Vincent, he's a human, he's a TV personality, but not some multimillionaire. Just famous enough to count. Alastor thinks Vincent is a vampire who can enchant people to follow his commands because he's THAT charismatic. Vincent will, once again, not be given any agency in this fic and will be the designated chew toy for Alastor, and later on Valentino! I have no plans to eventually turn him into a vampire, but we'll see, maybe I will if I'm feeling in the mood for some gruesomeness!

Shok.wav will be a doggy Valentino gifts to Vincent! Everyone is in this mess, might as fucking well!

Carmilla will also be here, and there will be some joke about "Carmilla" The Novella. No idea what I'll do with her but she'll be there, because, as I said, can't have a vampire story without a vampire ball! So, the other Overlords will also be there because I need some bodies to populate a ballroom! Hey Google, play "The Masquerade" by Aurelio Voltaire!

I am here to propose a solution to a problem that isn’t really a problem but I can make a solution for it anyways. Isn’t it unfair how Radiostatic gets all the cool ship names? Do you want more ship names? Do you want evil ship names to signify that you ship things eviller than the status quo? Do you like pseudomaternal figures and women who are fucked up? Do you like pathetic Alastor in a canon-compliant way and want to make it everybody else’s problem?

Introducing RadioThorn, my new proposed ship name for when “RadioRose” doesn’t cut it because you are simply having too much fun. Romantic, platonic, queerplatonic, Secret Other Thing it doesn’t matter! RadioThorn does not discriminate.

There are many uses for RadioThorn! The options are limitless!

Rosie and Alastor being fun besties but with the eternal looming knowledge of soul ownership and Alastor’s weaknesses

Rosie forcing Alastor into any number of horrible situations because she Can and she knows all the ways to play him like a fiddle

Alastor forced to be pathetic and vulnerable to the only person who can see him like this, and Rosie relishing in the privilege

Undernegotiated physical and emotional intimacy with Rosie as a mentor, mistress, mother, or anything else to Alastor’s poor hyperindependent self

And so much more!

You can keep Alastor just as aroace as he’s implied to be in canon! No issues there! There’s more to horror and/or kink than sexual and romantic attraction. Make him everything-averse! Don’t be limited! But you can also expand beyond that too! Bring in your own headcanons! Canon is dead and all the devils are here.

All I ask, dear Hazbiners, is you make more Rosie/Alastor content and you make it as fucked up as it deserves to be. We are sleeping on their dynamic so hard! What on earth is going on with them!

You can have a 100% of my nonexistent intellectual profits, I am benevolent and surely would get kicked off of Shark Tank.

Okay... so... Throw in some RadioRose into the mess. Not necessarily sexual, just Rosie training and treating Alastor like a dog and Alastor pulling the "abused becomes the abuser" thing on Vox...