The weird old world of ‘soft drinks’
This is Part 19 of ‘How to stop drinking: A guide for normal people’. It’s a series in which I am sharing my reflections and tips on living, and staying sober, in a fun, honest, down-to-earth way to show that an alcohol-free life is possible. Previous chapters can be found below on www.samwarren.net
When I stopped drinking, I never really thought about what I would drink instead. But nothing could have prepared me for the utter drought of nice, non-alcoholic drinks that I would encounter in pubs, restaurants and clubs. This was in 2011, and although things have definitely improved since then (I’m writing this ten years later in 2021) it’s frankly still a bit shit in most of the places you’ll go on a night out with friends. Especially nightclubs.
One of the reasons I didn't feel instantly well after quitting alcohol was because my sugar intake went through the roof. Pretty much the only alternative to an alcoholic drink in a pub or club is sugar laden fizzy pop or calorific fruit juice (which is a goddamn meal FFS!) unless you can bear to drink diet coke, or are happy to just drink water. And of course you’re not happy to just drink water… YOU WANT A FUCKING GIN AND TONIC. This makes the lack of appealing alternatives even more crushing to the newly sober human. As if this weren’t enough, there's the expense of the horrible things. Dear sweet Lord paying through the nose for a drink you don't want or need that won't even get you pissed!? Talk about rubbing salt in your still smarting sober scars.
One of the more obvious realisations I came to - quite quickly - was that I only wanted a soft drink when I was thirsty. Who knew, huh?! Sure, having something to hold at a party/ In a club/ at dinner is really really important, but as for actually drinking it because you want to? Well, you'll have had your fill after one or two, but your well meaning friends will continue to cajole you into 'having another'. When I was quite newly sober, I went to stay with heavy drinking friends who'd kindly bought in THREE bottles of non-alcoholic red wine, just for me. Which tasted disgusting. I barely managed to make it through three glasses… but even if it had been nice, I had no desire to drink 2.25 litres (half a builder's bucket) of slightly slimy, watered down grape juice, bless them. I’d have probably done the same in their shoes to be fair. I’m pleased to say that there are now some excellent no-alcohol, or de-alcoholised wines available in supermarkets, but sadly, almost no pubs or restaurants have them on the menu, which is pretty much exactly when you want them most. Even if they did, the fact remains that you don’t really want more than a couple of glasses of them, because there’s no alcohol in them whispering you into having another, and then another.
The McGuigan Zero range (available in Tesco) is one I have especially been enjoying lately.
The only effect of having drink after drink when you are sober is to fill your bladder, make you fat/ rot your teeth/ give you Type 2 diabetes. Sugary drinks are kids drinks. Alcoholics have battered adult palates - bitter ales, dry whites, robust reds, the acidic tang of gin, the throaty burn of vodka… And that, my friend, is when Lime and Soda Is your absolute saviour. I actually think Lime & Soda is the sober person’s superhero. Like the chickpea is to vegans… In some pubs it’s as cheap as 50p a pint, In others you'll be fleeced for as much as £2.50… But it's not too sweet, sparkles like fizz (buttery effervescence on the tongue, you know) and if you have it in a tall glass with ice and a slice, no-one will ever know it's not a G&T. Another good one is ginger beer - it has the kick of alcohol and leaves you feeling warm in your mouth. Take care though as it's often high in sugar, although that can be great for a buzz from time to time too.
But as I said at the start, things are getting better for non-drinkers. The world (well, the UK) seems to be slowly waking up to the fact that non-alcoholics still want the 'fun and treat' of something nice AND FUCKING GROWN UP to drink when we go out (nightclubs are a pathetically sad exception to this). There are now no-alcohol cocktails on lots of restaurant and bar menus - we'll leave aside the disparaging and ‘goody-two-shoes’ labels of 'mocktails' and 'virgins' to one side for now and just say thanks. I've also found bar-tenders are happy to whip you up a fruity creation off-piste if you ask. And there are coffee syrups If you're not feeling the fruit. The Dead Canary in Cardiff made me the most amazing concoction once - like a Brandy Alexander, creamy, chocolatey coffee with a dash of chilli for a kick.
Me at The Dead Canary in Cardiff, December 2016
Another kind barmaid in Piccadilly fashioned me a long delicious thing to die for that tasted of cherry bakewell and looked as beautiful as could be. My visit to a skyscraper restaurant Manhatta in New York was topped off with a lovely alcohol-free martini, and pretty much every pub now stocks at least one brand of no-alcohol lager - which is frankly so awesome that I have devoted a forthcoming chapter to the stuff, and other ways to ‘be in disguise’.
My birthday ‘Martini’ at Manhatta in New York, March 2019
