#getting sober

Different pillow

Same thoughts on repeat

In my head

Dread.

Over and over

And over again...

I can't believe my dad's dead.

I told you this already,

But

That's another song,

Another poem.

Yet,

I still feel as hollow now

As I did then.

Only now,

I realize:

Moments of judgement and opinions before

Me of me by me over me through me

Over and over---

The Specific ways

People look at me.

Putting meanings,

Inscribing intentions,

All within

My memory's

Failing perception.

I think I notice things,

But I tend to only over think;

About the wrong things.

Bad things,

Harmful things.

That's why

Perception shifts,

New perspectives, and

Opinions...

Rock my world,

On the occasion.

All this still paired-

-Except with-

-HEY!

I didn't finish my thought...

...

Only now

I have been told it's anxiety

...Mayhaps,

Perhaps.

You could say,

"Adel, it's the DRUGS!"

I would say:

At this point, it certainly persists.

It insists upon itself,

In counterintuitive ways.

You See :

(I would love to get medicated and write better poems that made better sense

But instead)

I get stuck in this rut,

In this cycle, perhaps if,

I analyzed-

Remembered-

Hard enough-

I could see-

Waves

Up and down-

Patterns written on the walls.

But I would tell you:

It's been like this

For far longer

Than I've been using.

(Yet I would also tell you

I have manufactured

All of my own stress.

Whose expectations

Am I really

Failing?)

Things really weren't that bad,

Though.

I got enough!

Look at how I turned out! :)

[I have reoccurring moments of this]

[[Overwhelming]]

[[[Sense of failure.]]]

Falling short.

Not doing enough.

Not preparing enough.

Not creating enough.

And so I do nothing.

((My own))

((Just wondering why))

(((I'm like this no matter))))

What

Can

I

Say?

Somethings just make it clearer

Easier

To see.

....

Oh yes!

back to the topic at hand!

DRUGS!

In my lungs

In my belly

In my blood

In my body

Om nom nom - put them in your brain!

👁️👅 👁️

...

I digress

But I must refrain:

1) Weed was for relaxing,

2) Psychedelics, shown to me with tender care and respect.

Which Only Persisted-

it's a raw innate curiosity in how it all connects.

(Hence the over thinking thoughts and needing to assign value to variables*)

(*Others' thoughts, experiences, processes, etc)

Idk highschool,

(I have the anniversary marked in my calendar)

College

3) Went through lexapro ,

But platoed.

I was supposedly-

What I had always thought-

To be just depressed...

Maybe

I'm pre disposed

To other

Things

-tendencies-

Too.

Perhaps I insist upon it myself,

Through my own toxic patterns;

Hmm

4) All of this to say why I do cocaine.

Now, Hear me out.

I was micro dosing this stuff, three to five times a day for roughly 4-5 days a week in variety and some longer stagnations of rest,

in total it's only been just over a year.

(going on two)

It has only been more recent that-

{I quit.}

-I have

Been surrounded by

A medicated group of friends.

While I was living with those,

And Doing That.

I felt

Like them.

Not even high just

Present.

Like the moment

Insisted upon itself.

But this shit isn't sustainable,

Reliable nor truthful, within it's own self

I need sleep regulation and yet motivation...

I don't want to do it forever:

But I don't consider this bad.

Idk, I really thought about it,

Talked about it with friends.

{harm reduction}

It's not like

People didn't know.

I had friends all aware.

And concerned to varying degrees,

But they saw...

for a

Little while....

.... how it helped....

[Holy shit you could trace the ultimate fall of the [REDACTED] crew to my cocaine addiction LMAO, that's a horrible timeline all things considered.]

But thankfully that is narrow,

Things in that business

were much bigger than me.

I thought I could be...

Medicated in time...

But I couldn't keep up.

[In moments like these I worry about

Not having spent more time

With my siblings

As they grow

Up.]

And they never will again.

So, Why do I feel like I have to fix it?

Sure, I would like it to be

A treat, not a necessity.

But I am now so much more sad.

And frustrated,

That I have asked,

And tried,

And begged...

To be better.

And then

I made....

A series of bad mistakes.

And now I'm scared

I'll be without it all,

And still

Not

Diagnosed.

Bc what if-

Fuck it, I know it.

It's just me at the end of it.

We all walk our paths alone.

No one is coming to save us.

It's all just

Us.

Making

The

Decision

And

Doing

The

Damn

Things.

To get better.

10/16/24

Edited and posted 3/17/25.