#quick-its-nick

I know you moved and I know we haven't talked in a while, but if you're reading this that means I'm no longer here. No longer living. Now, before you freak out, please let me explain to you what has been going on since you left. I was diagnosed with cancer seven months ago, lung cancer, the same as my mother. The doctors said we had to attack it with fervor and I would be okay.

What no one pick up until recently was that the chemo was damaging my heart and by the time it was identified, the damage was too extreme. I'm taking pills tonight, with the damage to my heart, it shouldn't take much to end all this pain.

Please don't hate me, I'm so unhappy, I'm so terrified and I've watched myself slip away to a shell of the girl you once knew. Drugs are my best friend, I now see why you struggled with them before, they're great at numbing the pain. I'm a bald freak who's body looks like a skeleton. I'm not the Ronnie you remember. I hate this me.

But maybe it's for the best that you left, you didn't have to see me fade, watch me crumble. Keep the memories of me smiling and dancing like a fool in your heart. Remember when you took me on our best friend date? You are still, to this day, the only boy who has danced with me like that, out of nowhere with no one around. Remember food fights in my kitchen? Or nerf wars against me and Jonah? How about all those nights I stole you away from Christian and we cuddled and laughed and cried and gossiped. Those are some of my favorite memories and I will always keep them close to me.

But now you're gone, and so am I. I love you, always have, always will. Promise me to stay strong, stay beautiful, stay you. You'll always be my Nickle-Nip, my savior, my brother, my bucket-list friend. I've missed you so much, it's kind of like I'm living without air. I thought I was going to die when you left, but knowing that you're happy and living your life with the ones you love kept me going. 

You've been there for me through thick and thin, and I've come to the conclusion that when you've dealt with so much hell, more than one should deserve in a lifetime, that means your expiration is near. I want to control when I go, not with a fizzle, but with a bang, am I right? I'm happier now. Safe and smiling down on you, don't be sad, I'm always in your heart.

Don't forget me.

Love you always,

Your sunshine, Ronnie.

So I was trying to figure out this verse thing for Noah and here's what is going down. The mun of Noah doesn't get on very often, but a little more lately, and I just cant end them, they're too cute. So he will be verse two and Jade and Nick will be in that verse if y'all don't mind because they both know about Noah and the mun of Nick is also mun of the Kelley sisters so different verses for them would be good. Sound okay? If the rest of y'all would like to pick what verse you want to be in or just respond to whatever posts I make and understand what's going on here, that's cool too. I hope this makes sense. haha

Ronnie: Hey, Nickel-Nip.

Ronnie: You said to talk to you when I felt on edge..

Jonah: Nick please tell me you get this?

Jonah: It's Jonah,

Ronnie sat on the ground in tears, she had found all the presents she already had for her friends, but one of them surprised her. It was her present to Nick.

Something about it sent her back in a flash of memories, their movie nights, her screaming at his mom, his dad dying, Thanksgiving that took a turn when Nick’s mom’s boyfriend smashed Nick’s face into the steering wheel. She remembered them cuddling the night before her recital, her taking care of him when he was sick, but the memory that hurt the most was their fight before the crash.

”Why do you have to be such a fucking idiot?!”

She couldn’t believe she said that, granted, she had been under a lot of stress and in the hospital the night before, but that was no excuse for her to let her tongue slip like that.

Something felt all too much and before she knew what she was doing, Ronnie was pulling a blade from a pencil sharpener across her wrists, not deep enough to do severe damage, but just enough to equal out the physical pain with the emotional. The new scars looking bright against her old and healing ones, hating that she picked up this habit, but glad she had too, it was the only way she could deal with all this overwhelming pain.

Ronnie pulled herself off the ground, washing the blood off of herself and pulling her sleeves down. “Noah, I’m leaving, stay here and be safe!” She yelled as she wiped her tears away roughly, racing out the door.

She watched as the pedometer shot from 20 to 60 and before she could even gather her thoughts, Ronnie was outside of the apartment complex and rushing into the building, hitting the elevator button over and over till the doors opened.

In the elevator, Ronnie felt her emotions crash from a rush to feeling like she was going to be sick. How could Nick even still look at her? She knew they apologized, but an apology wasn’t enough to make up for her huge mistake.

Ronnie sat in her spot after messaging Nick, listening to his order of not moving although she probably couldn't move if she wanted to. Shivering and damp from the sprinklers that caught her when she was sitting at the park, Ronnie couldn't help but recognize this place, something about it scared her, something that just kept picking at her till her head started aching once again.

Closing her eyes, hoping to calm herself, Ronnie received the opposite effect. Within moments, memories flooded her head like flicking through scenes of a movie. Fighting. Crying. Touching. It all started coming back to her, she had been down here before, she had been attacked here before. She could physically feel their hands on her, the terror coursing through her veins, trying to scream but nothing managed to choke out of her lungs except weak cries. The horrors that flashed through her mind seemed impossible to escape and although she tried to open her eyes, ignore what she saw, she just couldn't and pretty soon she was thrashing her head back and forth, biting her lip and scrunching her face up, not wanting to remember anymore.