I have the feeling you're trying to incorporate all the opinions you're getting in the comment column. Do NOT do that.
You can not crowdsource a query or you will end up with a query that walks like a duck, spins like a puck, steals your luck and earns your query a brisk WTF.
So if you're a writer and especially if you plan on one day publishing or you're trying to get published now, I guarantee you, you need to read this amazing blog. It talks about all the Do's and Don't's of writing a query, which you need in order to land an agent or publisher, by critiquing queries that wannabe authors send in to the blog.
There's a lot of entries, but it's worth it to read them all!
Bonus points for all the snarky humor the Shark is so generous to share with us as they rip queries into chum shreds~<3
http://queryshark.blogspot.com/