#queer shenanigans

She huffed and proceeded to pace. Ignoring his attempts to get her to open while simultaneously avoiding accidentally knocking her door down with his enhanced strength. If she knew him – and she did, for well over two decades now – he probably hadn’t taken the time to properly de-transform yet. Too intent on checking up on her first. She wished he had lingered to wrap things up with the police instead. Given her some time to cool down.

It wasn’t his fault, not really. She knew this. Knew that Samuel “Bear” Friedman, contrary to his hero name and transformation, was an utter softy. Especially when it came to the people he cared about. He hadn’t asked for any of this either. He seemed more distressed by it all than the not-so-maiden he kept having to "rescue". But the fact remained that if it wasn’t for him she wouldn’t be spirited away on the regular by a villain who might be as colourful as the Ghibli film, but not nearly as entertaining.

Sure, it was the risk you ran when being in contact with a hero. Everyone knew that being in their life could someday mean you’d end up as a bargaining chip for the superpowered. But no one had warned her that this would practically devolve into become her second job. One she was apparently doing for the involuntary exposure and no pay.

The ridiculousness of it all was that she wasn’t even his partner. A fact she had tried to explain to Magnemind on several occasions. Not that he was listening. The villain had it in his head that Bear and her were “a thing”, and she was just trying to talk her way out of being held captive. Which, fair, she was. But that didn’t make it any less of the truth. Sam was about as straight as he was capable of keeping plants alive. His internet search history evidence to both.

“Please, darlin’. You worryin’ me here,” Bear’s deep voice rumbled as another round of carefully controlled knocks shook the wood.

She barged over and ripped open the door. The giant bearded man – who yup was very much still in his hero form – shrunk back from her glare. How she with her below average human size and strength could cow a man who was bear shaped both in and out of his transformation, with just one look, was anyone’s guess. It usually amused her to no end. Followed by several rounds of teasing. Right now however, she wished he didn’t look like such a kicked puppy. It made being angry with him seem even more unfair than she already knew it was. Damn her superb pack bonding instincts.

Huffing again she turned away and stomped back into her apartment without another word. Straight to her couch. Where she plopped down face first into the cushions with a loud groan and all the dramatics she could muster. She knew it was very not adult of her, but it none the less somewhat soothed the annoyed part of her brain.

It took a few seconds before Bear decided she wasn’t going to rescind the unspoken invitation and stepped inside. He closed the door as gently as he could with his clawed hands and padded over to take a tentative seat next to her.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I dunno why he keeps doin’ it either. But I talked with the others and we’ll start—“

She tuned him out as he rumbled on about what measures they’d take this time to try and keep her safe. They always had more measures and they never worked. Magnemind’s main power may be the whole magnetic force thingy, but the mind part was in there for a reason. Dude was smart. Whatever they had come up with, he’d found a way around it like it was baby's first puzzle game. Sometimes she wondered if he had a secondary power set they weren’t aware off. Something beyond playing the world’s most annoying magnet. Either way, fact of the matter was that as long as the heroes had no clue what he was trying to accomplish they’d keep playing catch-up. And they didn’t.

But she did.

And it was time to take matters into her own hands. Enough with being considerate and waiting for others to get a clue. Not when they were clearly still playing Frustration. It was time to Scrabble the board and put down a quixotry. Time to show she needed no saving throw. Just some common sense. But first things first.

A nap

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She sat herself down on the plastic folding chair in the middle of the empty warehouse. Having checked everything trice over, and then once more just to be sure. Unlike some people she learned not to underestimate others. This was going to go exactly as planned. Probably. And at the end everyone would walk away from this better for it. Or at least less future kidnappy. Or she'd swear this would turn into her villain origin story. And no one would want that. She wielded the scariest powers of all. Unrelenting grudges and the I am very disappointed in you frown that all women on her mother's side were experts at. It had made many an adult ashamed of themselves throughout the years. It practically bordered on crimes against humanity.

Still, it wouldn't do to get ahead of herself. She'd try the reasonable approach first. Or at least the moderately functional one.

 It took about half an hour before she heard one of the side doors open with a loud groan. And then disconnect from its hinges. Followed by a deep, low curse and finally the scrape of metal against stone as door met wall. Its new resting place.

Her bestie, everyone. Mr subtlety himself. Good thing he hadn't been given a stealth power, because oh brother, Bear. And yet, she wouldn't have him any other way.

"Darlin'?" he rumbled upon spotting her and rushed over to check on her. "Are y'okay? I was so worried. The message was weird and I wasn't sure if it was you or not. Seemed too early for 'nother attempt, and usually he doesn't use your phone, but—"

"Bear." She patted his large arm to stop his rambling and frantic checking for wounds and bindings. "I'm fine. Stop fussing and sit down," she said, and waved at the chair behind him to her left.

He checked her over again, but as she was obviously unharmed and utterly calm. Not her usual state of annoyed at being taken. He did as she asked, although reluctant. And not solely because of the somewhat too small chair for his huge frame.

Even after all these times he still fretted needlessly. Not like she'd ever gotten hurt on these involuntary excursions. She'd at least give Magnemind that much. He was as gracious a host as an abductor could be to their ill-gotten guest. Speaking of whom.

"Would you like to join us down here? The chair is not as uncomfortable as it looks. Okay, no, it is. But the sooner you get your butt in it, the sooner we can all be done with this, and hopefully collectively move on with our lives."

Sam stared at her in confusion. Clearly wondering if this was the long afeared mental breakdown they kept expecting her to have – she didn't do breakdowns, too busy throwing the superpowered lemons back in the life manager's face, thank you very much – or this was indeed some kind of code he wasn't following.

"How do I know this isn't some sort of entrapment?"

The voice echoed around the wide space as if coming from everywhere, like a poor rendition of phantom of the warehouse. Good thing they were lacking big light fixtures hanging from easily to untether ceilingwear.

Sam instantly braced upon hearing Magnemind's voice. Teeth bared and nails sharpening into claws as he jumped up from his seat. Toppling the folding chair over

She paid it no mind however. Instead looking up at the rafters above them, where the shadows were just deep enough to hide a lanky magnetic man.

"You've been sticking up there since before I got here. If this was a trap you'd have spotted it by now. And Bear came alone. As you are well aware from the surveillance cams you put up outside. Plus I went through the trouble of dragging some fully plastic chairs in here, so they wouldn't stick to your butt if you get a bit carried away and activate your abilities. Besides I think you owe me one all things considered, so come down here and stop being so theatrical."

"What're you doin'?" Bear whisper-rumbled incredulous. Clearly not happy with any of this. Ever more questioning her sanity.

"Solving this mess. Now sit down, please. I may have all day, but I'd much prefer to get home in time to watch my shows."

"You don't watch TV." Bear grumbled.

"Hush you, random youtube essays are shows too."

He uprighted the chair with a sigh and once again sat down ever so daintily, so as not to break it with his bulk. He knew not to bother trying to convince her to leave or stop whatever she had planned. They had been besties long enough to know that he may be the big strong superhero to everyone else, she was the unmovable force in this friendship. Especially when she dug her claws in.

Luckily it seemed that Magnemind had picked up as much too from their time together. For he didn't make her wait either. Slowly floating down from the ceiling shadows until he was seated on her right, across from Bear.

What followed was a grumpy stare off between the two opponents. Not unlike two pouty school children sitting in detention. Both convinced the other was the one to blame for their predicament. She barely avoided spraining her eyes with all the rolling she was doing. To think anyone took either of them seriously. Good thing she didn't, or they'd never get out of this mess.

"So, we're going to have a grown up conversation, between grownups, like grownups. No more taking the other one's toy because we never learned to use our words like big boys. Especially not since the toy is damn tired of it. We're going to talk this through and when we walk out of here you're either going to have this shit worked out, or find another way to get each other’s attention that doesn't include me."

"’m not the problem here, he’s."

"Excuse you, but I did not start this. And I am not taking any toys. And I am without a doubt in possession of a larger vocabulary than—"

She swatted them both on the forehead with the cardboard tube of a former roll of wrapping paper that she pulled out from under her chair. Wrapping paper which she may or may not have bought, unrolled, and carefully stashed for later use just so she had something harmless, but satisfying, to smack them with when they were being obnoxious. Which she knew they would be.

"You. Stop interrupting me. I know you had no say in this, but your bungling of getting it solved, and never clarifying what we are when asked, didn't help matters. So let me talk." She told Bear with a glare, but his instant sheepish look of regret made it once again hard to stay annoyed at him.

"And you. Do not argue the size of your vocabulary or anything else for that matter. I don't care what's in there. You may not have started it, but I'm finishing it. And the least you can do is to listen to me monologue for a change," she added, waving the tube in his face to show she was willing to bop him again if needed.

His eyes flitted from her, to the former retainer of festive paper under his nose, to Sam, and back. Not entirely sure what to make of this situation.

She was probably the only person in the city who had the nerve to lecture and carboardly assault both a beloved hero and rising villain. It was just hard to still feel intimidated when you'd been friends for years with one, and been timeshared out to the latter on a frequent basis. The shine wore off eventually.

Finding no further argument in either of them she continued.

"Now, as I was saying. First things first. He and I? Not. A. Thing." she said, gesturing with the tube between her and Sam for emphasis.

"Oh, please. I have told you before your little act is less than convincing. Not when you spend all your time together outside of work, and he comes running as soon as I tell him I have you. And— Ow, stop hitting me with that thing." He rubbed his head as if it had hurt anything beyond his pride.

"Then stop being an ass and not listening. And it's called friendship, you walnut," she grumbled.

"How do you know what I do outside of work?" Sam asked, mouth twitching in that way she knew spelled rising embarrassment.

Magnemind flushed as he briefly made eye contact with the hero across from him and looked away. "Never mind," he mumbled, "it's just... don't take me for a fool. Friends aren't that close."

She wasn't sure to feel annoyed at his refusal to listen, or sad for the fact he couldn't even imagine such closeness. Which may say more about his life than he probably meant it to.

Maybe both. Definitely both.

"Tell, him." She motioned at the villain while looking pointedly at Sam. Maybe Magnemind would believe him about the friend thing. And the rest really wasn’t hers to share without permission. But all her friend did was give her that puppy dog look again. The one that was halfway lost cub and halfway pleading golden retriever. The one he had perfected over the years and basically was friend speak for, help! I’m a conversationally challenged awkward nugget and need you to take over the talking here!

How a man that big and strong, a brave professional hero no less, could be such a doofus in social interactions was beyond her. Or it would be if it hadn't been the same since he was the big, bulky new kid in school who got cornered by the playground bullies. Unable to defend himself verbally, and too unsure of his strength to risk doing it psychically. Six year old her had taken charge and defended him then – by dumping an entire bottle of dirty toilet water on the bullies, much to their horror – as she ever did since. It was how they worked and she could never let him down. Even if it was awkward and silly. He was still her friend and it was his choice. At least she had the standing permission to tease him about it later though. Bestie privileges and all.

"Fine. Okay, we’ve got this.” She turned back to Magnemind. “We are that close because we've been friends for ages and because we've been through a lot. Also because we're two of the same.'

"Same what?'

"Look, Sam here was called a bear long before the media coined it as his hero name. If you get my drift."

"What, that doesn't make any— oh. Oh."

And the penny finally dropeth.

Magnemind's eyes widened dramatically, and humorously, as he took in the new information. Staring at her now thoroughly blushing friend. A bushy beard could only hide so much.

"So, now we're on the right track. Let's do proper introductions, kay? Magnemind, meet my friend Sam. He looks intimidating but he's an utter softy at heart. Single and looking, but incredibly clueless as to when someone is flirting with him. Also a blushing shy mess when he fancies someone."

Sam whined at her words, but didn't contradict her. It was all the truth after all. And he did want her to do the talking.

"Sam, meet John Steward."

"How do you know my name?!"

She stared at him. Deadpan. "I work as a fact checker for newspaper journalists, some of whom are chronically allergic to research. You don't think I know my way around a search engine? Now shush, don't make me bop you again. We're getting somewhere here."

He shrunk in his seat. Probably more from her knowing his identity than the not so dreaded cardboard weaponry.

"As I was saying. Sam, meet John. Gremlin human in equal need of social skills, whose idea of pining is apparently abducting their crush's friend, in hopes of just getting to spend five minutes mooning in the presence of their love interest. While lamenting their assumed unrequited and doomed love."

This time it was Magnemind's turn to imitate the culinary ingredient of contested classification, as he hid his face in his suit's scarf. Unable to refute the truth. And Bear's turn to process the new info. They were almost circled through this mess and whatever happened afterwards hopefully would no longer include her.

"So, for the record. We've got two single men in this room who are both very much interested in the men loving men category. And in the humble opinion of someone who has spent significant time with both – even if sometimes under clearly voiced protest – they'd be an exceedingly good match interests and personality wise. If they can both get over their crippling shyness and self-sabotage as queer doofuses, that is. Doofuses who both have zero clue about potential interest pointed in their direction unless they're smacked on the head with it."

She couldn't resist thumping them both again to the sound of mutual embarrassed groans.

"Now lastly. Before I go get an in my opinion more than well-deserved rest, some interesting facts. First let me point out that someone in this room mainly turned to villainy because people kept discriminating against him, refusing to let him study the area of his natural skills, and harassing him over it. Also that to date his worst crime has been to liberate certain property and donate it to the less fortunate. That and some negligible cases of kidnapping with zero bodily harm, just a considerable amount of annoyance." She glared at the villain. Who at least had the decency to look contrite.

"Charges which can be ignored on account of the sole victim being magnanimously willing to withdraw any complaints. If they are compensated with a few good meals and the accused doing their best not to make their friend unhappy," she added, before glancing to her left.

"I will also remind the room that reforming a former villain would be excellent PR for any hero. Especially if down the line the public got a chance to, as we say, ship it. They could very easily claim responsibility and supervision of said reform. Which obviously would require a lot of time spent together to oversee the villain's adjustment back to a productive member of society.”

The boys were now both blushing messes. But they were smiling blushing messes. And by the way they were exchanging flustered glances, her work here was nearly done.

"Lastly, just randomly musing here you understand. But one could certainly see what the combined power of a star couple of powerful and beloved heroes could accomplish in societal changes. If they put their brilliant mind and golden retriever charm to it. Just something to ponder."

She pushed herself up from her seat, brandishing her papery magic wand of fairy godfriendery. "Well, I'll leave you two to your enemies to lovers shenanigans."

She nodded to Magnemind. "John it was nice seeing you, but if I don't get advanced warning of future meet ups I'm not responsible for any contact between my shoe and your leg."

"Sam, I love you, but next time sort out your own love life. Being a disaster gay doesn't hinge on being entirely clueless. If you bring home any more strays that use me as a game of telephone flirting, I'm perma-stitching big neon rainbow patches in all your clothes. Including the hero suits.” She patted him on the shoulder as she passed on her way to the exit.

"Now, have fun, and don't do anything I would do," she added, as a final goodbye as she walked away. Giving a last wave without looking back. No need to see the sickly sweet back and forth of blushing affection that was no doubt already going on behind her back.

Time for her to go get that well-deserved nap. She’d earned it. And hopefully it was the start of many more to follow. Now that this mess was finally sorted out.

Until the next one probably. She had no doubt

And as she walked out the doorway, with its lack of door, the last thing she heard before passing out of hearing range was:

"Uhm, has anyone ever told you that you're uh, un-bear-ably handsome?"

"Heh, no. But you're very attractive."

And thus no good deed ever goesth unpunished.

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Postscript:

She blinked her eyes as the bag got pulled off her head, undoubtedly scarecrowifying her hair. Really? This again?

"John, love of my bestie’s life, Steward! I swear to the fridge magnets of old if we are back to this, your shins are going to acquire some new decora— oh you're not John."

The person across from her blinked owlishly. Literally. On account of the owl features on their face. "No, I am not he."

"Ok... so...?"

"Oh! My sincerest apologies. I should introduce myself. I am an acquaintance of Magnemind. My name is—"

"Duskowl, yes. One of the ones Bear and Magnemind are trying to recruit. I mean "reform". I know. My question is more why am I here. Wherever here is."

"This is my lair and I invited you here to be my mate."

"Excuse you?!"

"Oh, uhm. Magnemind gave me your contact information and said to me you were open to courtship. Including one such as me?"

"Look birdie, I'm flattered and all that. And I do swing all ways but this is a bit— Oh, oh no. John gave you dating advice didn't he?"

"Yes. He explained all about how he had wooed his mate."

"I bet he freaking did."

"Although he pressed upon me the importance of not abducting any significant people in your life. Especially not Bear. Not if I did not wish to lose my feathers and find out just how realistic The Owls of Ga'Hoole film was. Which I do not. But I would never dare touch my mentors in such a way "

"So you just abducted me instead. On my way to work. Per his advice."

"Yes."

"That's it! Next time I see him, magnet boy is getting a time out in an empty room while I rearrange his entire collection of novelty magnets."