#qim

After everybody learnt about @kneltnotbowed‘s having been hurt, some people reminded the others on tumblr that attacking their family wasn’t a good idea. They created a chat to discuss revenge against Inks ( @fallen-star-agency ). My Zim joined @the-best-invader, @the-galactic-hunters, @explosions-and-chill and @subject257 on it.

Zes took orders for weapons to use against Inks for when they would avenge Dibkins, my Zim asked her for a new pair of knives. They decided to wait for Dibkins to get better before doing anything. They soon got the good news that his recovery was going well.

It has me rethinking a lot about the ways I’ve done connection in my past, and how even this Queered Intimacy Model Project was a way to grope toward a better way of being in connection before really knowing how to embody it, me wanting to stick to the values I held and learning how to grow & mature into them.

I showed them the infographics I made to discuss this. (Here you go, enjoy them. I worked relatively hard on them; don’t they look really good tho!! Anyways...)

I’m finding myself wanting a connection with them that centers a certain level of emotional intimacy with that unfolds both slowly and all at once. It makes sense, I promise.

As a massage therapist, one of the things I’ve learned about bodies, energy, sex and healing is that when you take your time over certain collections of stress or tightness, or when you move slowly toward an orgasm, or give yourself time to emotionally process an intense experience, the process is long and sometimes laborious. But when you workout the root of the tension, or hit their sweet spots at the right angle, or drop that one phrase they needed to hear in those words, it all comes rushing or (gushing 😉) out.

It’s like when all the veggies in the wok are sizzling in the sauce you’ve prepared, because once it’s reached the right temperature, a few flips or stirs is when all the flavor becomes infused into your dish. Man, food & sex & touch & bodies & feelings & poetry; can you tell I’m a Taurus?

Anyways, let’s move on. I brought this up to think through how I’ve navigated connection with this person already who’s touched an interesting part of me so quickly since meeting them. And how being in a close-knit community with them affects this. I also get teach how this works in real-time, I guess?

It’ll be a week tomorrow since meeting them, having our lightening connection and having some truly amazing sex and shared emotional-energetic experiences. (This person is getting blog post about them, like I need y’all to understand I’m shooketh and in my fucking feelings).

Anyways, to translate this into the QIM language. I’ve hit all for corners of it pretty quickly. Part of it comes from both of us being actively anti-capitalist and being in community that is doing mutual aid. So here is me hitting some different moments in all of those categories:

Daekkonic moments of intimacy:

• I’ve held emotional space for them to cry, processing sexual trauma, parental abuse, and toxic last connections.

• We’ve spent whole nights talking about our personal approaches to spirituality and sharing some details of our practices. Both our fathers were theologians and musicians, so naturally there’s much to say there lol

• We’ve shared poetry, written excerpts, music they’ve recorded; in one of our car rides, they made up a song on the ukulele for me, and later I sang for them.

• They held space for me to cry sharing some of the ways I’ve been traumatized, abused, coerced and sexually objectified. They also touched on some of my vulnerabilities leftover from years of being bullied and publically embarrassed through middle and high school (👀👀)

Phadronic moments of intimacy:

• Our first evening, we shared a bed (and didn’t have sex, believe it or not), but a lot of that time was time spent touching.

• Holding hands while eye-gazing

• Being snuggled into each other

• Stroking their hair while telling stories

• Oh, and the forehead kisses! I love giving forehead kisses.

Serotic moments of intimacy:

• Ugh, fine; I admit it. To no one’s surprise, we also dry humped each other like high schoolers listening to old Chris Brown tracks (before he became problematic 😒).

• Our first real interaction was me doing an energy reading on them at the mutual aid food prep event their roommate was hosting and invited me to. It became very serotic, very quickly with all of the intensity of my attention on them.

• Many moments where meeting their eyes stirred a passion with all the energy they kept throwing at me throughout the evening

• I mean, like, after the first night, we shared tons of of really emotionally intense sexual experiences; the most serotic parts of those moments, was feeling all the parts of them my body wasn’t touching.

Mudship moments:

• Again, so being radicals in community with radicals, we share material resources. I dropped them off and picked them up from work for most of this week.

• They gave me their keys and I prepared them lunch to take back to work for them; I had made enough extra for dinner, for us and their roommates as well.

• I’m a licensed Massage Therapist, and did for both them and their roommate some bodywork and stretching and a little teaching.

• They’ve allowed me to sleep at their apartment the first night we met, and nights after, because my car is missing a headlight and driving while black could get me murdered by police (ACAB, in case you thought for a moment I felt otherwise).

So, this looks like a regular-degular ass relationship; what’s so special about this that I can’t just use regular ass language to talk about this?

Good question, but the only good answer I have, is that I don’t fucking want to. The point is to not think of this the same ways my culture does.

Which, makes me ask another question, I think is relevant for anyone reading this and thinking through my model: What are y’all (if anything)? Which labels fits best here, since your doing all of the things?

Another good question. The answer is none of them. The QIM exists not as a tool to label and categorize things. It exists as a framework, a way of being and navigating real-time connection and spaces, a radical relationship theory, if you will.

I believe it’s best offering is two-fold:

1. On the one hand, you get the validate all of the situationships, half-lovers, ‘more-than-just-friend’-ships, because we get to talk about intimacy in a way that is dynamic and fluid.

2. It’s gets be a way to catch all of the moments and experiences that impacts us but don’t have much of a way to talk about, or even validate as to help process what those brought up for us, or left us feeling.

So, this getting long, so I’ll wrap up here. But I’m thinking of what intimacy means when I get to stretch connections like this over time, similar to honey, every drop of it is viscous and rich. I feel both excited and unnerved.

Qim things!!!! None of you would know Qim. He’s in the Chatrooms only, and is very very mysterious. THOUGH I did draw these things for him.

He’s the one that wanted the chickens!!!!!

Also his chart:

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“For the erotic is not a question only of what we do; it is a question of how acutely and fully we can feel in the doing. Once we know the extent to which we are capable of feeling that sense of satisfaction and completion, we can then observe which of our various life endeavors bring us closest to that fullness.

The aim of each thing which we do is to make our lives and the lives of our children richer and more possible. Within the celebration of the erotic in all our endeavors, my work becomes a conscious decision—a longed-for bed which I enter gratefully and from which I rise up empowered.”

****

“The principal horror of any system which defines the good in terms of profit rather than in terms of human need, or which defines human need to the exclusion of the psychic and emotional components of that need—the principal horror of such a system is that it robs our work of its erotic value, its erotic power and life appeal and fulfillment. Such a system reduces work to a travesty of necessities, a duty by which we earn bread or oblivion for ourselves and those we love. But this is tantamount to blinding a painter and then telling her to improve her work, and to enjoy the act of painting. It is not only next to impossible, it is also profoundly cruel.”

****

“The dichotomy between the spiritual and the political is also false, resulting from an incomplete attention to our erotic knowledge. For the bridge which connects them is formed by the erotic—the sensual—those physical, emotional, and psychic expressions of what is deepest and strongest and richest within each of us, being shared: the passions of love, in its deepest meanings.”

****

“The dichotomy between the spiritual and the political is also false, resulting from an incomplete attention to our erotic knowledge. For the bridge which connects them is formed by the erotic—the sensual—those physical, emotional, and psychic expressions of what is deepest and strongest and richest within each of us, being shared: the passions of love, in its deepest meanings.”

****

“This is one reason why the erotic is so feared, and so often relegated to the bedroom alone, when it is recognized at all. For once we begin to feel deeply all the aspects of our lives, we begin to demand from ourselves and from our life-pursuits that they feel in accordance with that joy which we know ourselves to be capable of. Our erotic knowledge empowers us, becomes a lens through which we scrutinize all aspects of our existence, forcing us to evaluate those aspects honestly in terms of their relative meaning within our lives. And this is a grave responsibility, projected from within each of us, not to settle for the convenient, the shoddy, the conventionally expected, nor the merely safe.”

****

“For as we begin to recognize our deepest feelings, we begin to give up, of necessity, being satisfied with suffering and self-negation, and with the numbness which so often seems like their only alternative in our society. Our acts against oppression become integral with self, motivated and empowered from within. In touch with the erotic, I become less willing to accept powerlessness, or those other supplied states of being which are not native to me, such as resignation, despair, self-effacement, depression, self-denial.”

Book: Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good

Chapter: Audre Lorde’s ‘Erotic as Power’

So I’m navigating connection with someone who originally said they were poly and was open to connection as something we’ll figure out together. They took some time after a date, to process not so much us, but their life and goals since quarantine shook their world up. When we talked next, they were certain they wanted a child, and a family. They gave a specific time that they wanted to try, a few years out. They mentioned thinking monogamy was something they wanted, mainly for the child, but that was where they were putting their head as far as relationships now; virtually turning everything this started out as, upside down. They mentioned they wanted to give me time to think and process all of that, but in 10 days they’re gonna start the journey of looking for a person to do that with.

Us being both being poly and radicals, I was definitely taken aback. I felt disoriented that after our first in person, and almost a week of no contact afterwards, this was the next discussion we had. I felt like I had so many questions to ask about us, that got swept under the rug, but I had to process simultaneously that this person wants a monogamous relationship, that leads to children, in the rather-soon future. It felt like I didn’t know what book we were in, never mind simply not being on the same page.

But this brings me to the Clash of The Models. And I’m trying to use this conflict in my life to discuss, or at least theorize, whats happening at these fault lines. So when people tell me they want to be friends the MCM way, what I hear is, basically our connection gets reduced to just having a chat a few times a year. And what feels frustrating about it to me, is mainly because I want people I can share life with; something doesn’t feel so corralled, and predetermined. And while I respect the boundaries that are set from people who navigate relationships the MCM way, there’s no room for me in it.

In fact, when I think about the current discussion/conflict we’re in, this feeling that I keep coming back to, is ‘I don’t get to be who I want to be with you’, that gives rise to another, tad bit deeper feeling of, ‘I don’t really get the space to be me with you.’ And that’s a devastating experience. It’s become something that I’ve learned how to avoid coming into contact with by not engaging where I see monogamy.

I feel like it puts me in a particular kind of space. That if in the MCM, the boundaries around intimacy are tightly policied, this means I’m relegated to the sidelines; I don’t get the option of being a player on the field. This experience after enough times is frustrating and disheartening. To the point that me not wanting to ‘be friends’, is seen as this insult. They don’t owe me a seat at their table, their not obligated to meet any of my needs or desires; I understand that. But if the only space they’ll allow me to occupy doesn’t fulfill any of those needs or desires, why is the narrative ‘me rejecting friendship’, when the reality of my experience is ‘It’s convenient for you to place me here, outside of the world of your important priorities.’

But this isn’t just one case, with one person, this one time. This has been the majority of my experience from time. That if everyone builds their lives with these boundaries in mind, tightly policed as they generally are, where does that leave me? I’m watching frontdoors close everywhere I turn, feeling the cold of evening set in, with everyone wondering why I’m not happy or fulfilled only ever being allowed to sit on the porch until the sun comes down.

But that’s why I don’t make a habit of sharing intimate space with monogamous people, even if I was already close to them. Its generally them saying there’s not enough room for me, or that I’m not welcome inside. It’s not me being ungrateful that I get the crumbs of attention and care, it’s that, for the most part, it’s been my experience that that’s all that’s really there.

I’ve been giving money out left and right, to comrades, to queer and trans Black people struggling with their finances, to mutual aid and bail relief funds. But if I’m the one struggling financially, if I’m needing a place to crash away from a partner, or any other reason, if needing some emotional support and someone to hold space, guess which people are least likely to give really any of that? In my experience, it’s the people who navigate relationships MCM-style. People who make more than 2x as much as me a year, people who got multiple couches (or even bedrooms) I could sleep for one night in, or have a phone and can spare an hour or two one night, or to hold me when I’m crying.

So what I’m frustrated at, when these people will say, ‘I care about you’ and can’t/won’t show up. That don’t contribute to any real needs to maintain my well-being, and then have the audacity to tell me they want to be friends, and then get mad when I don’t want it.

I don’t want this to be a recapitulation of what we already have but *quirky*. I’m really trying to build a new map of how we can talk meaningfully about doing human connection with others.

What I find deceptively simple about this model is that once you grasp the framework of it, it makes talking about, and therefore doing relationships so much easier!

Something I’m not sure I’ve made clear through the posts and infographics I’ve made is this:

If you’re someone who experiences strong romantic, platonic, and sexual attraction and you know exactly how to name it when you feel it, that’s awesome! But those concept won’t translate over the same way; but that’s on purpose.

I’m not asking you to tell me your feelings and put them in one of the boxes, whether in my model or our culture’s model. What I’m asking someone using this model to do is to visualize what forms of behavior or which activities would be fulfilling and enjoyable (if your partner is open to them)?

It’s freeing that these are all separate categories, and that doing one doesn’t “auto-consent” (which is not, and should never be a thing) to any other forms of intimacy. It’s relieving to not need to worry about someone trying to finess something (mainly serotic intimacy), out you. You can just say, “I’m only open to phading right now,” and that’s a full boundary discussion if you’ve got nothing else you want to specify.

The reason the model is split into 4 basic categories is because those are the building blocks of human connection:

• Do I want to form a significant emotional/spiritual connection with you?

• Would I like to be touched by you?

• Do I experience any serotic feelings or desires I want to explore with you?

• Lastly, “I’ve got some spare time/energy/money/food/stuff, need help with anything?”

I don’t want to name everything, it’s the minimalist in me. I don’t find that as valuable as being able to clearly say to someone:

“Phading with you is something that makes me feel really connected with you. I enjoy spending time with you because it feels fun and effortless.

A lot of the time I’m the therapist-friend, so it feels nice to take a break from daekkoning. I’m glad we can share a few jokes and not need to talk much about things. Just holding your hand during our walks in the park is enough for me.”

Something like that would’ve taken me a long time to articulate. Especially, if other people are trying to use that as a way to understand my intentions or interest.

It’s not impossible to conceive of someone enjoy cuddling you without wanting sex, or serotic energy to play a role in that activity/moment.

I find myself thinking that if romance was a concept I believed in, it would be this feeling; exciting, overwhelming, anxious-making, so good it feels like I might overdose on it.

And that kinda got me thinking about my model. I built this on the some of the theories that fall in leftist politics, one mainly being about behavior as the focal point, rather than feeling. As someone who’s been an abuser to some previous partners and abused by the same and other partners, I engage with how I relate to my emotions a bit differently than our culture implies we should.

To me, ethics (and morality?) aren’t a matter of what’s in your heart, that your motivations don’t absolve you from the impact of your behavior & it’s consequences; that wanting to do good, doesn’t mean you succeeded at it.

This is idea of behavior being the ethical principle in our relationships, that how we treat and interact with others can be encouraged or critiqued, isn’t itself radical. But as I reflect on my feelings for this person this morning, I came into an insight about myself I wanted to share, especially in regards to this whole model I built.

As I sorting through my feelings, I realized that I have a tendency to try to name the feelings of others, and to try to see the ‘level of intensity’ or the ‘quantity of feelings’ as whether a shared experience meant the same to them as it does me.

It got me thinking about how our culture’s model teaches us that our feelings (which they don’t teach us how to name or healthily respond to) determine the kinds relationships we’re supposed to have with people. It fits neatly with the construct of platonic vs romantic/sexual as separate lanes for different relationship experiences/desires.

But we live in a time in history where sex is something you can do with cute-enough strangers if you’re bored/horny on a week-night. Where flirting with close friends has become a norm of intimacy. The boundaries of feelings and the models of relationships we’re told they are supposed to fit into are now blurred, and begin fail to be helpful at navigating modern relationships that serve to increase the joy in our lives.

So when I propose and develop a model based on behavior and consented activities, I’m trying to unlearn the idea that I’m supposed to be feeling certain feeling to engage in this activity. That no matter what I’m feeling and in what intensities or quantities, what determines my behavior are my decisions; informed by my feelings and desires, no doubt, but not determined by them.

Here’s a random, but helpful example. I’ve kissed many people. Not many of the kisses felt anything like Disney Movies or Rom-Coms, but they felt like something. Kissing some people was arousing in a serotic fashion. Kissing others was oddly comforting and relaxing, tender even; something I’d call phadronic. Some kisses felt like, ‘I’m not doing that again’ lmao.

I’m trying to say that in this model

• What I feel is valid for any activity I choose to consent to, and that I don’t need to worry about whether what I’m feeling is the ‘right feeling’, allowing me to accept what I am feeling as intrinsically valid. If I enjoy the experience, I’m wanna do it again; if I feel unsure or uncomfortable, I understand that wasn’t a pleasant experience and we’ll see how open I feel in the future regarding that activity.

• I’m also saying my feelings, no matter how deep or intense, aren’t needed to be reciprocated (in the same way or same amount) to feel comfortable. That I can trust that anyone’s consent to phade, daek, etc with me is born out of their interest/desire to do so, and doesn’t need to be quantified or examined to be valid in whatever proportions.