#publicdiary

Havent used this account in a while hm.... welll tomorrow is my birthday yay

There is an antique store around 7 minutes away from me that i'd like to go to on my birthday, I forgot if there were any clothes there but there were lots of pretty items!!

it feels important to live life to the fullest for those who cannot and do not live. we fall in and out of frequency and i am grateful to the space holders who do so, so when i am down i am reminded of how i can be picked up again. it is a cosmyk cycle. i refuse to get stuck in the sad and low emotions for longer than i need to. i say this whilst reminding myself to practice contentment, but also to take freakin’ action and not just ‘wait’ in the times when it feels easier to give up on the work i’ve put in internally. 🤍

It's eleven in the evening and it brought to my attention a thought bubble that brought it's way back to me consciousness. A particular event went down just half an hour before eleven. I had finished my task for my project and wanted to take a break. Being my regular routine, I look for my family members; mainly, made up of my sisters and mother. Chancing upon their respective rooms, lit with florescent lights, I was wondering where the occupants of said rooms were. I heard them talking downstairs, therefore, I followed their voices that echoed from the stone staircase. They had gone out to check on our new Golden Retriever. My only goal was to find them. Then, as I had gone down and asked why they were there although it was already obvious to me why they were there, my mother had teasing asked me in a way that irked my irritation and annoyance at her tone, if I had eaten one of the fruits that we had bought earlier. I had simply responded with a irked expression, simply turned my back, made my way back upstairs trudging on each step, and thought that, that kind of negativity for me is not welcomed. Of course, as had happened, my mother had begun to find that disrespectful of me and assumed that I had the audacity to be repulsed by her said words and had only gone downstairs to annoy her. Being such as myself, I loathe being teased for no apparent reason but sometimes I welcome it. It is not her fault in any case because how could she know how my previous emotions were that lead to that course of action. I was simply tired and exhausted. Still, I felt that sense of guilt in me for producing such an ill-manner especially in front of my younger siblings. I have not apologized because it is difficult for me. I have never apologized without feeling as if that person that I am apologizing to is judging me and thinks that my apology is crap and not genuine. WELL, EXCUSE ME, I FIND IT HARD TO EXPRESS MY APOLOGETIC EMOTION BECAUSE I HAD ALREADY STABBED MY HEART WITH IT. I still feel the guilt at this time and will most likely keep me awake tonight. I only offer it as a sacrifice for a better tomorrow and a better me. I wish not to dwell on it far longer since I have written it down. Nevertheless, I will get better at showing my emotion without taking into self-depreciation and self-loathing. I'm glad to be alive still.