#profoundly

Allison-Renee-Kevin-Seth-Jeremy-Jean : not all of them are romantically or sexually involved with each other but their all very close and very much in love

Kevin/Jean/Jeremy - Jean/Renee - Renee/Allison - Allison/Kevin/Seth - Jeremy/Seth

Andrew-Neil-Kevin-Jean(-Jeremy?) : a lot of acceptance and understanding behind it all, also not all involved together but they would die and kill for each other

Andrew/Neil/Kevin - Neil/Jean - Kevin/Jeremy/Jean

Wymack-Abby-Betsy : indont have to explain myself

3. What's something that's making you sad but in a bittersweet not wholly unpleasant way?

The fact that my relationship with tumblr has changed. I still use it and I still want to use it! But the way that I use it has changed permanently and definitively. And it's a struggle because letting things go is so hard for me, even when I know I should and need to. It's always this bitter, dramatic internal fight so sometimes I get really angry that it has changed and I try to act like it hasn't and I try to use it like I used to use it. I try to interact in the way I used to and it doesn't work. Because I've grown beyond my younger self and the way that I used it and it's like trying on an old sweater that you used to love but it doesn't fit right and you really really miss it but it doesn't fit so trying to wear it is pointless.

In many ways what I loved and needed about tumblr has transferred to real life and I'm so glad about that. But I sometimes still feel a profound sense of loss and loneliness, and mostly a childish restlessness where I don't know what to do or how to approach this. And I just feel ---- I feel foolish so much of the time? I feel a lot of grief. It reminds me, on a larger scale, of my breakup with the reylo fandom. I still love reylo more than ever and I still love many mutuals and friends I found because of reylo but I don't interact in the same way (in part because nobody does because that space doesn't exist anymore) and I went through this period of realizing that my voice wasn't needed or wanted the way that I thought it was and that really, I'd just been riding a kind of wave, not actually making meaningful connections or changing lives. And I feel that now. I love (so deeply!) the people that I found here. But I can't be a Voice anymore or a "brand" --because it doesn't feel authentic and because I'm not in the space I was when I was first riding the wave.

The things that really matter to me are smaller and more specific and that is better. But the part of me that loved the Bigness of my biggest tumblr days is still so jealous and petty and childish and I'm just -----trying to ride this one out and accept it humbly until this period of mourning passes. *I know I will move on to other things but the transition hasn't quite been made in my own soul and it's taking a while and the in-between is both hard and bittersweet. So yeah.

With whom must I speak