#profectionyear

TERRIBLE. I could end my whole post on that but I need to make a small update - even just for myself. I've never felt so lonely, and unliked by everyone around me, I feel like even my breathing around people is so annoying - I was never in situation like this, and this is so frustrating, because I feel like I don't have anyone else around me. I want to cry all the time, I'm not a priority to anyone, everyone all the time forgets about me, and I was never fr in situation like this - I can't deal with this properly. Even my Bff chose some anons from her work, to party on Halloween than go with me for the movie marathon, which is kind of sad. We are besties for over than 7 years, I guess? I have worse thoughts about my life and if this really have sense, I started my master degree and I hate it after my 1st classes. If someone who is still reading this is in the same situation, I feel really sorry for you, but be brave, cuz I feel like I'm tearing apart.

Analyzing my first self-aware 1st House Profection Year

The other night, I was curious to look at my 2010 Solar Return chart because that’s probably one of the only years where I look back and think ‘that was a great year.’ I was 12-years-old, halfway through Grade 6 and then Grade 7 (I am a January Capricorn), and it was my first self-aware 1st House Profection year.

I remember how fun it was for the Olympics to be in town, I remember being very happy that I got not one, but two roles in my ballet’s Nutcracker compared to just one role the year prior — I would maybe equate that with the SR North Node and SR Venus conjunct my natal Sun in the 10th House). Due to latter, it probably was a busy solar return year (looking at ALL those Saturnian placements, but also the SR Capricorn Moon) since I would have had to make more dance rehearsals while handling school, friendship, and the general life things that a regular pre-teen goes through. I might’ve have gotten my first period this SR year and it might’ve also been the year one of my best friend’s suddenly decided she didn’t want to be friends with me and my friend group anymore.

If I had gotten my first period that year, I would equate that with all of that 12th and 1st House energy for obvious reasons. Your body is changing, your friend/friends is/are switching up on you, you’re nearing graduation from elementary school. It’s a big deal!

Wait… your body changing during your 1st House profection year makes so much sense.. and with that 1st House SR Jupiter?! Expansion?!

maybe it's because I have saturn & jupiter in the 12th house (placidus), but everything that has come to light from exploring my shadow side has been nothing but gifts to me. deepening my relationship with myself just means more wisdom. befriending a part of me that once made me depressed is a gift.

i've been able to meet my wounded inner child, define what she needs, & now I can treat myself better and tell people what I need from them.

but it isn't just being able to define my boundaries. it's letting myself process my feelings from moments in time that traumatized me & some that continue to hurt me. it's discovering and rediscovering outlets to let out my negative feelings and express myself. it's facing reality and the truth, but accepting it instead of trying to deflect it.

looking back at all my tweets and writing from last year when I was in an 11th house profection year and personal year 9, I realize that I transform so much in what feels like so little time. there were so many moments of “ohh I know what’s going on now... I know what the universe is trying to teach me here,” but I seem not to resonate with something I would’ve said even 4 months ago. 

it’s funny looking back at 2020 now; being in my 12th house profection year, accepting the truth of my shadow side and how it’s affected my life. I know I’ve still got far to go with becoming friends with my shadow, but it’s like she has this smug look on her face while telling me “you thought you knew, but you just touched the surface last year. wait until you uncover so much more.” 

I woke up and realized why the Empress card kept appearing for me throughout this year. To no surprise, the card is ruled by Libra, my Solar Return rising sign. I ask myself - What does embracing my femininity look and feel like to me? How have I been taking care of myself this past month? What have I bought for myself that wasn’t something I needed? What have I done that was solely for myself?

I think about Binoo when I think about Virgo, possibly Libra energy. She always cleans herself after eating. She basks in a big stretch when she allow me to brush her. She doesn’t hesitate to ask for more treats if I’m giving them out. So essentially, she’s my self-care role model.

The Libra placements I know are big on self-care, on beauty, and looking clean and presentable. It doesn’t mean I’ve got to start embodying that energy specifically, which is why I go back to the questions - What does embracing femininity look like to me? What does caring for myself look like?