#probablybpd

- I am so god damn sick and tired of being invalidated by people when I speak up about problematic aspects of my religion. It shocks me how even after the shoah people think its okay to mock Jews

- I feel like I am holding myself back because I rather live my cool daydream life where I am friends with alll my favs. Carrie got to be the mother I never had before she died, my novels are famous, I’m famous because I rather live there than with people who constantly invalidate me. But I know its not realistic.

- I HATE MY MOM. I HATE MY MOM. I HATE MY MOM. I am so sick of her trying to play the victim on me when she gaslights me. Gives me threatening looks when I dont listen. Acts like she has this horrible life but has all her friends up her ass and a Husband who actually tolerates her Behavior. She judges everything I do and everytime I say no shes like YOU ARE MAKING ME LOOK LIKE THE BAD GUY.

- My pug is now 14. I am terrified to live a life without an animal. I like need a companion animal for my anxiety. But I know my Stupid Narcissistic parents wont let me have a fucking another dog while I live there. I AM BEGGING Ollie to hang on for a couple more years but I am terrified to live without her.

- WHY IS IT TAKING SO LONG TO GET ME A JOB! I FIXED MY RESUME TWICE! DO I NEED TO PAY A RESUME WRITER?! I DONT WANT HAVE TO GO THROUGH VESID AND WAIT A WHOLE ANOTHER YEAR FOR A JOB!

- I feel like people hate me. I am so parinoid its because I talk about myself too much. The reason I fear that is I am the child of two fucking Bonified NARCISSISTS. Everytime I talk in a group chat its like god? Am I doing it too much?  I don’t want to be like my mom and Dad, their lives look horrible. Do I talk about myself too much in group chats? I try so hard to invest in other’s lives but I still think it isnt enough.

- I want a boyfriend or a girlfriend. But I feel like the Tinder Process is taking too slow.

- I just....I just want my happiness, just like in my Daydreams you know?

But alot of thinking away from my mom who judges alot, I saw Rebecca Bunch from Crazy Ex Girlfriend display alot of that behavior I display and she was diagnoised with it in the show. But Im gonna talk to my doctor when I get home and work with my psychologist to fix it.

I dont think Carrie will forgive me for what I did but she will be Proud I figured out I may have a problem.

me: I should post feels

me: but that might change what people do!

me: and that would be manipulative. *nod*

For full disclosure about what I’m about to get into, I probably have Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD. I’m self-diagnosed with it now, and looking for a psychiatrist to diagnose me, but even with both of those the skeptic in me will always say “probably BPD” or “almost certainly BPD”, for reasons. It makes the most sense right now and the treatment works better than anything else, so I’m comfortable with the diagnosis.  

While rewatching the Star Wars films after checking out The Force Awakens, I started to notice that while the Light and Dark sides of the Force were characterized in the films as being, essentially, Good and Evil (with the EU being super inconsistent about its various depictions and more or less coming down as being very Hard Sapir-Whorf and outside of my scope here), a model that could also be consistent would be “powerful emotions + the force = enormous self-control issues and destructive tendencies”.  

To unpack that ball of reduction, what I saw was that using the force tended to bring up emotions in most depictions of its use, and that dedicated Jedi just tried to not focus on them, to suppress them or breathe through them and not embrace them, where Sith either ran with it or seemed sorta dissociated, and folx like Luke, Anakin, and Rey battled with emotion ramping up very rapidly, occasionally making really shitty, often self-destructive, choices in the throes of it.

It clicked for me. The Force causes BPD-like symptoms when accessed. The Jedi have a really shitty variation of DBT-style indoctrination that they use to combat that, and predictably it blew the shit up in their faces when things went sideways. The Jedi don’t really make Good choices, in a fantasy Good/Evil conception, they make calculated ethical choices that almost feel utilitarian. Sith aren’t especially evil, but they’re uncaring about the emotionally manipulative tactics that come easily to them, and as above seem thoroughly dissociated a good two thirds of the time. Look at Anakin when he goes to kill the younglings. And then Nute Gunray and his associates. Ice cold, like he’s barely even present and just enacting what he’s decided to do, what he’s been instructed to do by his new Favorite Person.  

You see it with Luke, too. Outside of when he’s with Yoda, his emotions jump every time he’s doing force shit except when he’s kinda darksided out to rescue Han and Leia from Jabba. He gets stopped by the two Gamorrean guards and just decides “enh, fuck it, choke ‘em” without flinching. Like he’s barely even present in the moment at all. Or as he’s deciding to kill the Emperor. Palpatine can feel Luke anger boiling up, but there’s none of it on his face, or his body for that matter. It’s not depressed, it’s dissociated.  

Now, folx with BPD will easily tell you that the road of doing destructive things just makes it easier to do more destructive things. You hurt someone, you feel overwhelming guilt, and without less destructive coping mechanisms you either end up doing self-destructive things or you just numb it out and carry on, stop caring about it because you’re just The Worst Person Anyway. Vader knows it. And that’s why he stops Luke from killing the Emperor. It’s the first time he’s been jolted out of his dissociation in a long time by anything other than anger. He doesn’t want his son to just get stuck in destructive impulses and dissociation and so he interposes his blade. Of course, no longer dissociating he then proceed to rage out and fight Luke, but Luke can feel the Vader is fighting the impulses, right?  

That’s when Luke decides he’s not going through with the destructive cycle, but also won’t just suppress his feelings. He works with them, keeps them steady, but present. Breaks the cycle of suppression, meltdowns, and dissociation. Still, he lashes out emotionally, and nearly loses himself once or twice in the ensuing fight, but both times he takes a moment, focuses, feels, and then acts. Vader, too, in his final turn on the Emperor. It’s not becoming an emotionless Jedi that is his turn to the light, but his turning away from the cycle of dissociation, destruction, and self-destruction that is his change. He passionately turns to the Emperor picks him up, and throws him off the ledge. Then he dies with love in his eyes, the same love he had for his mother and for Padme.