#prengancy

Okay, there is a lot wrong in here. One: I hired those midwives so they will be there for us. 

Second... Hospital.

Third: I do the delivery myself

Fourth: Ambulance

And last option: Cry and pray.

In resume. No. None of my brothers will touch my wife or baby

Got some fresh picked headcanons for you here, direct from the Dice farm

Freddy

Yo, Freddy did the whole having-a-kid thing once before, he might be the only person less enthused about the possibility of you being pregnant than you are.

There will absolutely be a poorly timed “guess you really gotta call me Daddy now” joke.

He is definitely going to encourage you to get an abortion. He didn’t even really think there was a possibility of you getting pregnant tbh.

Michael

First, he’s going to freeze. Going full statue mode, not moving— it doesn’t even look like he’s breathing.

Then, he’s going to leave. You’re not sure where he goes, what he does, or if he’s even going to come back. You won’t see him at least for the rest of the night, maybe for a few days.

A newborn baby has a limited number of things on his time table. It is mostly Eat Poop Sleep and  repeat.  While we all wish for a routine like that, trust me it becomes the most difficult task to help your little one achieve  this routine. I will be covering the following topics 1. Handling 2. Feeding 3. Bathing 4. Pooping 5. Sleeping.

Handling a New Born:

I have always found it very difficult to hold a newborn, even with my own son, I used to avoid holding him as much as I could but with your own child it becomes inevitable.

First and foremost, always sanitize your hands. It doesn’t matter if you washed your hands five minutes back, you still must clean your hands before holding a baby. The immune system of your baby is still developing and you don’t want to risk infections which can easily be avoided. Also, never hesitate to ask anyone to clean up before letting them hold your baby.

I’m angry. About so many things. It seeps out of me, pours out of me, explodes like I’m strapped to an explosive vest of hate. Everything makes it worse.

“I’m so sorry.” Fuck you.

“What can I do to help?”  Fuck you.

“I’m praying for you.”  Fuck you.

“I love you.”  Fuck you.

“At least it happened early.”  Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

“It’s God’s will.” Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. God has nothing to do with this.

My husband has no idea what to do with this rage. I try extremely hard not to direct it at him. He does what I ask, holding me, calling and informing family, bringing me tissues, dealing with me being extraordinarily clingy, rubbing my back softly while full-body sobs rock me. But he can’t handle the rage.

I get it. It’s not something he’s used to. Over the last few months in general, he’s noticed an upswing in my anger at things. Stress at work and home (not in any way related to him) have combined to make me slightly more tense, more prone to yelling and swearing, and generally thinning the veneer of the carefree woman he fell in love with and married.

But he doesn’t quite get it. I don’t judge him for being wary. Wanting to make sure I don’t say or do things that could affect my personal or work life permanently. But it’s not on him. It’s on me. 

I’m the one dealing with this for the most part. He was excited, he was thrilled, he was nervous and scared, and he was proud. We’d made a baby. But I’m the one that lost it.

And because of that, he can’t fully relate. I love him, and I wouldn’t want to do anything to make him upset, but at the same time, I just don’t care about him right now. He gets to go to work and deal with it quietly. I’m the one still dealing with the mood swings and emotional upheaval of not only a body that still thinks it’s pregnant, but the emotional trauma of losing the reason for it.

So while I love him, and I love his concern for me, when he told me he was worried that I might not be reacting well to losing the pregnancy, my reaction was Fuck you. 

How am I supposed to be reacting?! Am I supposed to cry inconsolably? I’m doing that. Am I supposed to hide all the things that remind me of the baby? I did that. Am I supposed to act normally? I can’t do that, and how dare you even suggest it.

Here’s what he doesn’t understand: I am flooded with hormones, going through the stages of grief, having to work (my job is specialized enough there’s no substitute available and my taking time off would cause my coworker to work multiple 12-hour days), showing up at work, being mildly productive, not murdering the children I work with for insensitive comments caused by ignorance, and fighting through a never-ending stream of zombiism to function.

I am not drinking heavily (I poured myself about 1 cup of gin and finished it 4 days later), forgetting to eat, forgetting to feed the cat, saying “fuck work I’m not going in”, or in any other way ignoring my current life. But I’m angry. So fucking what?

#20: The feeling of rage

#21: Not knowing how to properly express your feelings of rage

#22: Improperly expressing your feelings of rage

#23: Wanting to respond to everything with Fuck you and being unable to because you know they’re just trying to help and they love you