#post-transition

I didn't have one before, but I logically deduced that it was Autumn because it was cold enough to wear the baggy and concealing clothes that I wore all the time without suffering from the heat.

Now, though, I'm seeing how beautiful everything is for the first time in my life, and I think Spring is my favorite season. The rain, the colors, the summer wildlife starting to wake up again...

I just find it poetic that my "favorite season" was apathetically chosen as the one where everything seems to die, back when I wanted to die myself. But now that I want to live, my favorite season is the one where everything else feels like it's coming back to life as well.

I don't know how I want to finish this post, but I know I spend a lot of time all-but-bating TERFs and engaging in The Discourse. And that might make it seem like anger and controversy is the only thing pervading my thoughts, so I just wanted to say something a bit more positive.

Post-medical Transition and Post-social Transition flags

For those who are Post-transition, not the same as being Post-dysphoric necessarily

Flags based of of these Medical Transition and Social Transition flags, taking colors from the general Post-transition flag (which comes from this general Transitioning flag, which combines the original Medical/Social Transition flags).

For anon

( Image ID. A flag with five equally sized stripes. in order they are dark green, dusty blue, deep purple, dusty blue, and dark green.

[ ID by @julietianboy: A flag with six horizontal stripes, in the following colors: dark green, cold gray, purple, light yellow, orange-yellow and muted red. /End ID ]

Post-transition: someone who passed through transition; anyone who transitioned, as opposed to pre-transition. Not essentially the same as being post-dysphoric. Usually meaning post-HRT or post-OP, but could refer also to social transition.

Some updates with me:

Nothing to really report in terms of meta/healing. Just happy to feel “normal” and live my life with a cock and balls, lol. I still have some issues with urinating/urethra stricture but I’ve kind of given up on it because it’s just too exhausting to deal with and I’m not really as bothered by having to sit to pee most of the time, though I do get frustrated/upset whenever I want to be able to use a urinal or stand to pee and know that if I try, my stricture will cause me to end up peeing on myself. It is something I’d like to take care of still, but it isn’t really a huge priority for me and I’ve been able to manage ok despite it. I just passed my 3 years post-op first stage mark back in May which is kind of crazy to think about. I’m so glad and fortunate to not have to feel the way I did prior to surgery anymore, though if I’m being honest, it’s very hard for me to recall how I felt before now.

One of the biggest and most unexpected things is that I’ve been in a relationship now with a guy who I really love and enjoy being with and am very happy/fortunate to have met him, fortunately not in any sort of hookup or app context either which is what I craved for years and assumed nearly impossible. Anxiety about relationships and getting into one, ethical/moral debate about disclosing, fearing nobody could be with me/love me and see/treat me as a cis man, etc. were all-consuming thoughts for me and it’s a bit surreal for me to think now that those thoughts are barely on my mind anymore. I hope that that could give some people hope re: relationship prospects.

I don’t think much about trans-related topics/media anymore, so I think my initial worries and also years of assuming that I could never move past thinking about transition (even years post-op) were appropriate at the time but since being in a relationship and having the validation(?) that I would be unable to access any sort of relationship again due to my medical history, those prior concerns and anxieties have diminished rather quickly. I sometimes think though about how quiet my life is and how rare being trans plays into any of it now - it kind of irks me needing medical check-ups regarding hormones because that’s really the only time I have to think and talk about it with someone but if I only have to deal with it once every 6 months then I think I’m in a good place.

Slowly I’ve found myself connecting more with and resonating more with experiences of cis men with micropenis conditions or infertility etc. than trans experiences. I kind of feel like I’m in the middle of a Venn diagram in terms of my experiences and existence - overlapping with some of the transsexual aspects and aforementioned cis ones which makes me feel isolated in terms of where support for me can be acquired but I don’t think I need it as much anymore.

I still intend to keep this blog as an archive and to be able to answer questions but with time assume that I just won’t really think about it much anymore. Who knows. There are some things about post-transition life that still get me and scenarios that I’m anxious about dealing with since I don’t know how I’ll navigate them but I’ll cross that bridge when I get close to it.

Regardless, I’m still struggling with adjusting my priorities in life and finding meaning in life after transition. For the past 6 years my goals and ambitions were all centered around transitioning and reaching medical goalposts. Nothing else really mattered as much to me and my life outside of transition often felt like passive living. Sure, I’m working on a degree and developing the blueprints for my future but I’ve felt like I’ve been on autopilot until somewhat recently.

I wonder when I’m going to gain the confidence to actually “live”, i.e., not let trauma from transition and the emotional labor consume me anymore. Before I had metoidioplasty it was very easy for me to say that post-op life was going to be pretty normal, that I wouldn’t have to acknowledge being trans nearly as much. It’s almost 3 years post my first stage and it’s still very much on my mind, and wonder if there’s some way to consolidate my thoughts, some way to gradually let go and start living without as much reservation. Meeting people romantically/sexually being a huge barrier, and also having close friends while keeping my transition out of the picture without feeling isolated.

Not directly related to surgery or surgery talk but now that I’m post-transition technically, I’ve been thinking a ton about dating and how I’m going to go about that process when I finally decide to dip my toes into the pool?

I’ve always been someone cautious, but being trans and dealing with everything that comes with it makes me more apprehensive about getting to know someone on a romantic/physical level where I’m gonna have to be vulnerable and they’re going to find out things about my body quick that nobody else knows of.

I’ve struggled finding resources or reading others experiences, what dating is like for someone post-transition, particularly post-bottom surgery. especially post-metoidioplasty, since I think there’s some differences where I can’t really relate with someone post-phalloplasty and their dating experiences just because of different aspects and technicalities. a lot of the time too it seems post-meta guys have been in long-term relationships, with the same person before they had surgery.

I keep desiring a relationship where my partner doesn’t know about my history other than my having a medical problem that’s now resolved, I don’t want to ever ever mutter the word “trans” out of my mouth (unless I’m talking about a transmission or referring to transitional in terms of time...) but a small part of me also wonders if it would ever get to me over time not being able to talk about what I’ve gone through, or being somewhat secretive about something that had a pretty major impact on me. I’m also stealth and prefer to keep it that way, so I’m also fearful of coming out to a partner or date and having that information possibly get out somewhere, six degrees of separation and all that. I don’t know. There’s a lot for me to sort through and it’s incredibly exhausting.

I also just wonder too if in the hypothetical situation where I don’t come out to someone, if my penis/overall body would pass for cis. Maybe 10 years ago I wouldn’t be as wary, but now, I’m more scared that it isn’t as feasible given visibility and increased awareness.

I’ve contemplated just not dating but it seems so incredibly unfair given everything I’ve gone through that I can’t have a “normal” experience like having a romantic/sexual relationship with someone just by virtue of being trans, meanwhile other men can. I can’t think about it too much without feelings of resentment bubbling up to the surface.