​I’m officially in my 3rd year and currently feeling like 90% caffeine and 10% academic dread. But with graduation coming in sight soon, I’m ready to stop reading academically for a while and start reading for my soul!📖

​I’ve been lurking in the bookish communities on Instagram as a bookish account myself and the Buddy Read vibes look immaculate. But honestly? As a total newbie, I’m terrified of accidentally making it feel like another homework assignment. I need the real, unwritten tea on how you guys actually do this. ☕️🫖

​I’m looking for new mutuals and future reading partners, so please help me out:

​ Is it better as a chaotic group chat where everyone is screaming in all caps, or a cozy 1-on-1 soul connection?📱

​Are we setting strict page goals like a syllabus, or is it a "read-as-you-can" free-for-all? (Please say free-for-all, my brain is tired lol)✍️🏻

​What are the unspoken rules?👀

​Let’s be friends! 🌸 I’m genuinely looking to find some post-grad reading partners to kick off this new chapter with as soon as I'm done with uni.

​Comment below with your best buddy-read advice or your current favorite trope! I'm all ears.🤭 ​

DM me or send an Ask if you’re looking for a new reading buddy or just want to swap TBRs and see if our vibes match! Looking forward to meet potential future Buddy Readers.🖋📚

It’s been officially a year post-grad and I just feel horrible. I’ve been scrambling around for almost a year applying to job after job and I haven’t been able to get anyone to call me back yet. Everyone is so fucking quick to say that they need to help and then never hire. I’m so tired. I put so much pressure on myself through school. I was told that if I worked hard and was a good person, good things would happen to me. While I’ve been able to go on adventures and meet some amazing people (and I’m so fucking grateful for that) I want to be able to say I was able to do it by myself. 

I’ve always had to work harder than everyone around me. That never was a problem for me. However, now that I’m older, it’s becoming more and more frustrating. I don’t understand why some of the most horrible people in my life, childhood bullies, just nasty human beings in general, seem to get everything that they want. While I can’t seem to get anything. Seeing everyone around you living what seems like a great life is hard. They have everything they want. They have a good job, they have a family they found her created end it’s hard. Why do these awful people get so much good? I don’t understand. I was always told that good things happen to good people and as I’ve gotten older, it just doesn’t seem to be true.

I wake up every morning just frustrated and angry at myself that I don’t have anywhere to go to better myself and grow. If I wake up slightly later than usual that I’m mad at myself because why do I get to sleep in while other people are at work? Same thing if I wake up early. You’re up early but you can’t go anywhere because you don’t have anywhere to go. I just want a chance. I don’t know what to do anymore. So much value is put on young people to get a job and to create their own lives but people just don’t understand how hard it is. I get so much judgment from people because I don’t have anything that’s just mine. Everything is connected to somebody else and I just want to be seen for me.

I don’t want pity. I don’t want people to just take me in somewhere because they feel like I need it. I want someone else to believe in me the way I know I can be if I'm given a chance. I don’t want people to see me falling apart and crumbling. I don’t want to be the person that can’t do anything. I’ve had the same part-time job since I was 14 years old and nobody seems to take that into account. I do have an income, but it’s not year round and it’s not a living wage is a seasonal thing that I do to make money and I’ve had it for almost 10 years. I just don’t want to get lost. I don’t want to ever leave this place without feeling like I’ve made an impact somewhere. It’s just so defeating. I don’t want to give up and I don’t have plans to give up I just want to give it a chance in any way. 

It’s hard expressing this because I know the judgment that comes with making yourself vulnerable. It’s hard being in this business. It’s so male-dominated. Everything I do is watched on a microscope. You can’t express yourself without looking insane or being an emotional wreck. I can’t mess up without people assuming that I have no idea what I’m doing and that it wasn’t just an accident. It is so much pressure to be viewed on such a tiny lens and for once I just want people to view me the same way as everyone else and just give me a chance.

12.11.21// didn’t feel to well today, guess it’s the anxiety-exhaustion kicking in again (it happens like once every two months, so i’m used to it at this point). i actually contemplated to stay at home today, as fridays are packed for me, but i’ve decided to just wait for the weekend to fully unwind!

also, i just treated myself to tickets for conan gray’s concert in berlin next year!! i’m so excited and hope it won’t get postponed...

it's been a while since ive posted my own content! this semester has been throwing things at me pretty fast, but im really happy with the direction im moving in.

Goals for tomorrow:

Call my apartment leasing office to cancel a check

Be on campus by 9

Start making/ordering reagents for my new experiment!!

Check reagents for AAV production