#post lost light

...

Before Scourge could ask, he caught his friends' optics drifting across the room.

In the energon kitchen, Tailgate was holding back the larger helicopter mech who was attempting to pour some kind of custom concoction into the energon goodie mixing bowl.

Scourge smiled, turning back to Cyclonus. He could still read his old friend like a book, “Do not take this the wrong way. but he is not who I would have expected.”

Cyclonus frowned as his eyes met Scourge once more, his eyes heading warning, “And who exactly might you ‘expect’?”

“Easy my friend! I don't mean anything bad by it, just surprised is all.”

Cyclonus eased.

“I have not known Tailgate for long of course but I can tell he has a strong spark.  But as for Conjunx Endura of the mighty warrior Cyclonus, I was just expecting someone equally as… Mighty I suppose."

“Heh.” Cyclonus smirked, “Do not let appearances easily fool you Scourge. Tailgate’s might comes from more than just simple physical strength. As you said, he has a strong spark.” 

Scourge pats Cyclonus’s arm, “I am sincerely glad to know you were in good hands while I was gone. I’m even more glad that you have found someone to love.”

Cyclonus tilted his helm, “He is very persistent."

Tailgate runs up to the fliers heading towards Scourge first, offering him the plate of energon goodies, "Would like one Scourge?”

Scourge froze, staring into Tailgate's bright, happy visor. Tailgate continues, “I asked Cyclonus what your favorite additives were, I hope it came out alright…”

The blue jet smiles gratefully before trying one.

“It tastes wonderful! Oh Cyclonus I’m sorry I doubted you, I can see why you made him your conjunx!”

Tailgate looks confused, whispering to Cyclonus, “Um. Is he ok?”

“Rodimus,” Megatron began, sounding half-incredulous, half-long suffering. Oh, here we go, Rodimus thought, already resorting to huffing and fixing his optics somewhere in the direction of the captain’s office ceiling.

“Could you have BEEN any more obvious?!” The last word was delivered in a nasal tone as Megatron pinched at the bridge of his hooked nose, oblivious or uncaring to his garbled formants. It would have been funny were Rodimus’s competencies were not under attack. Actually, scratch that, it was still pretty funny, thought Rodimus. It wasn’t really befitting Megatron’s warlord or newfangled placid, unflappably pax cybertronica captain aesthetic, Rodimus thought, but held his tongue for now. He had his honor to defend, and his processor decided that was the priority here. For now, anyway.

“Megatron,” Rodimus mocked, blocking up his own nasal vents and employing a somber tone. “Obviously, I could have been less obvious. I was not up to date as to where this fell along the infamous obviousness necessity continuum, however, and given the degree of obviousness-ness I chose to employ, I thought that was quite clear, actually. Obvious, even. Do at least try to keep up.” He leveled Megatron with a pitying look that would have been much more effective had he not been craning his neck upward, helm almost flush with his chassis, but that was neither here nor there, of course. When you’re bright red-and-yellow and loud enough, you’re as big as you slag-well wanna be, Rodimus reassured himself.

He heard the telltale sound of Megatron grinding his dentae. Oh, what music to his audial receptors it was. Their verbal sparring was always nearing the end of its swiftly aborted lifespan whenever that little chime went off. Like clockwork, Rodimus thought. Whirl would be proud. In fact, maybe he would mention it to him later at Swerve’s…

“Hey, so, probably a bad question to put out there right out the gate, but are exes ok?”

Before Misfire even had a chance to respond to the question, Spinster settled a large servo on Misfire’s shoulder and said consolingly, “Didn’t work out, huh?”

Misfire snorted and reached to pat his crewmate’s servo, tipping his helm up as he said, “Love the low expectations there, but no, we haven’t broken up on day one of our relationship.”

“Swerve’s talking ‘bout whether he can invite his exes,” Crankcase said.

“As if Misfire has a foot to stand on in trying to have a ‘no exes on the ship’ policy,” Krok said.

“I actually think he’s got two feet,” Spinster said.

“And to be fair to Misfire, that depends on how you define exes. We including mechs he’s just fragged?” Crankcase said.

“I suppose we should come up with a definition to start with,” Krok said.

“Guys, come on!” Misfire said.

“How many of us has Misfire fragged? Have we done inventory on that yet?” Crankcase said.

“I have,” Nickel said.

“Have not!” Misfire said.

“Fragged, no. But I have been keeping track,” Nickel said.

“Can you send your inventory to me? It would be good to have for my records,” Krok said.

Swerve only became aware that he must have looked as lost as he felt as Fulcrum patted him on the shoulder while placing a cube of morning energon in his servo, saying with simultaneous reassurance and tiredness, “You get used to it.”

“I’ve come to find it rather entertaining,” Cons4eva said from where he was leaning against Crankcase’s back, arms wrapped around his shoulders casually.

“You even learn how to get a word in on the insanity,” Grimlock added, helm tilted towards Swerve before he bumped his servo against Misfire’s arm. “Answer his question, Misfire. You good with exes?”

“Oh. Yeah, duh,” Misfire replied, turning a smirk on Swerve as he sidled his chair up closer to Swerve’s. “Fragged with or without romance are both acceptable. But you do have to tell me who these exes are and all of the details. I need details, Pipsqueak. All the nasty, sordid details--”

“Not at the breakfast table,” Nickel interrupted.

“Fine. But is an ex total and their names acceptable?”

Nickel and Krok shared a look before he nodded and she said, “I’ll allow it.”

Misfire looked at Swerve with big, pleading optics, and it was hard to not just laugh from the sheer absurdity of the entire situation.

“Alright, alright! But there’s only a couple that I would be calling, and the one I actually dated you already know about,” Swerve said as he nudged Misfire.

Misfire’s optics flickered before they went bright and he said merrily, “Oh, you mean Lotty? Hell yeah. You said you’d been wanting to call her for forever, right?”

“Well, yeah, but if it’s weird for you--”

“Uh uh, nope! You’re not using me to get outta this one. I’m totally fine with it so you don’t have an excuse to not fix that mess. ‘Sides, it would be nice to get a second opinion around here, you know?”

“Hey,” Nickel said, managing to give a dirty look without looking up from the datapad she was reading.

“Sorry, you’re right. I almost forgot Spinster. It would be nice to get a third opinion.”

And then the conversation drifted again, and Swerve let it go without him. This was all – well. It was a lot. It had all seemed so simple and easy after several bouts of interfacing, but now Swerve was pretty sure that if he didn’t die of a spark attack by the end of the week, it would be a miracle.

But it was still nice to be at a noisy table and just listen to the easy flow of conversation between mechs who really knew each other.

And when Swerve eventually got up from the table to start making some calls, Fulcrum was the one who offered to show him the way to their communication suite, and once he gave Swerve the quick rundown on how it work, he said, “Hey, in case nobody’s said it yet, welcome to the crew.”

Swerve still felt like he was being physically strangled by anxiety, but those few words took just enough of an edge off that Swerve managed to type in the number he knew by spark before he let the anxiety stop him.

It took a moment of waffling for Velocity to decide what to do about the incoming video call.

On the one hand, she didn’t recognize the number. But on the other, why would a stranger video call her? And really, the worst that could happen is she hangs up and blocks the number from calling again in the future if it’s someone she doesn’t know or trust.

And it could be Nautica. It wouldn’t be the first time her amica had lost her datapad.

With a swipe, Velocity accepted the call.

And nearly dropped her morning energon onto her datapad when it was Swerve’s face that popped up on the screen.

“Swerve?” she squeaked, sure that her surprise was easy to read in her face and her voice. It had been a century since the last time Swerve managed to reply to one of her text messages, but an actual video call—well, Velocity didn’t like to think about how long that had been. But it did set her spark racing, assuming the worse.

It didn’t help that Swerve looked so nervous he was liable to purge at any moment.

“Haha, yeah, that’s uh. That’s me. Hey, Lotty.”

“Is something wrong?” Velocity asked. She put her energon down and snatched up the datapad as she scooted her chair back, ready to jump up and go. “Where are you? I can--”

“Whoa, whoa!” Swerve lifted his servos so they showed in the video, placating as he shook his helm. “Everything’s ok, Lot’! There’s no emergency.”

Velocity’s optics narrowed as she considered the video feed of Swerve very carefully.

“Then why are you calling me?” Velocity asked before internally wincing. Boy did that come out wrong. She could see Swerve flinch and she started, “No, sorry, I didn’t mean like--”

“No, no, it’s ok! I mean, it’s harsh, but fair,” Swerve assured her. His servos twisted together as he bit at his bottom lip, the way he would when he was trying to hold something in long enough to consider it before just letting it tumble out like everything else.

Velocity’s spark quietly ached at seeing that look again after so long.

“I—ok, yeah, maybe I should – should I start with the apologies first? Because it’s not like I mean to ghost you, I just—I don’t reply right away because, uh, it’s a lot sometimes, and then I feel bad about it, and then it feels too late, and then--”

“You don’t have to apologize for that, Swerve,” Velocity said with a small shake of her helm. “I know it’s the anxiety. I don’t expect you to respond to my messages.”

Swerve’s frown was chock full of guilt as he replied, “Yeah, I know you know, but that’s – that’s not fair to you.”

“I don’t mind, Swerve--”

“But you should. You deserve better than that.” And then Swerve’s expression twisted into a hollow smile as he said humorlessly, “But I mean, that’s why we broke up so you already know that.”

Velocity ex-vented softly as she replied, “That’s not why we broke up.”

“It might as well have been.”

“Swerve--” Velocity cut herself off, tamping down the rush in her chest before sitting back down heavily in her chair. “Did you call because you’re actually ready to talk about the breakup now, or was it something else?”

“I mean – it’s old news at this point so why would we talk about it?” Swerve said with a too casual smile, his visor still on the camera, but Velocity knew from the way the light of his optics underneath refracted off it that he wasn’t looking at her.

“Because we still haven’t yet,” Velocity said. Swerve’s visor flickered, looking up for a moment before away again. And it had been centuries since she had gotten Swerve this far, so Velocity continued to press, keeping her voice soft. “And because I want the chance to be friends again. Real friends. And that means we have to deal with the breakup.”

Swerve chewed on his bottom lip, but finally he ex-vented loudly and nodded.

“Yeah, I know. You’re right as always, Lotty.”

“That’s not true.”

And Swerve actually chuckled. Softly, but it was there.

“You got me there. I mean, you thought I was conjunx material. What a mistake that was.”

And, despite herself, Velocity huffed with amusement.

“I could say the same about you. Me? A conjunx?” Velocity shook her head as she leaned back in her chair. “I can barely keep my amica together.”

Instead of laughing with her, Swerve’s mouth turned down into a small frown again.

“You were a good lover, Lotty. And you’re a great amica to Nautica.”

Velocity tipped her helm to the side, asking, “Oh, so are you the only one who gets a pity party?”

“Alright, alright, fine. How about this?” Swerve leaned forwards, closer to the camera, like he was leaning in to conspire. “We can have a pity party together. I’ll bring the booze, you bring the gentle bullying needed to get me to actually talk about the damn breakup, and we can both be drunk and sad and cry together since – yeah, we needed to do that a long time ago.”

Velocity reset her optics and audials, but Swerve was still sat there, looking at her for an answer.

“Wait, really? That easy?”

“Well, I do have a couple of small requests.”

“If you’re serious about this, then yes. What do you want?”

Swerve’s expression changed, and while the nerves were still there, there was decidedly less sadness there. If anything, he looked—

“First, no judging because I know I’m going fast, you don’t need to tell me what I already know, and second, really consider what I’m gonna ask you, ok?”

“Okaaaay. Now you have me nervous.”

Swerve wrung his servos, but his small smile was genuine as he asked, “Do you remember Misfire?”

--He looked happy.

It all sounded wondrous and exciting--

“So do you want to come?”

“I—Swerve, I really appreciate it, but I just don’t think I can.”

“But you still miss being on a quest, don’t you? We both did. I still do.”

“I have a job here. And Nautica is still touring, and when she’s not touring she’s off travelling and researching for new articles she’s writing, and—she doesn’t have a real home to come back to except here, Swerve.”

“Lotty.”

“I need to be here for her.”

“She can take care of herself. She has told you herself she doesn’t need you taking care of her.”

“I know, I know, but I just—you know it’s more complicated than that.”

“She’s not going to remember him.”

“I know. But I feel like I owe it to her.”

“Nautica made her choices.”

“I know.”

“Lotty--”

“I just want there to be someone by her side that remembers him. Someone who remembers what he means to her, even if she can’t. They both deserve that.”

“Alright. Just – just let me know if you change your mind. It’s not a one-time offer, you know? It’s longstanding. I’ll make the whole ship turn around to come get you.”

“Thanks, Swerve. I’ll—I’ll see you in a couple of weeks.”

--and it hurt to deny her spark that joy.

Velocity had never doubted that she liked her life on Cybertron.

She had a good job in a good hospital, and it came with a good paycheck which afforded her a good home with excess credits to spend on her good amica and good friends and good causes.

It was a good life.

But Swerve’s exuberance when he told her about returning to the stars wouldn’t leave her.

No regrets.

But Velocity’s life was comfortable and regular and safe.

She could provide a safe place for people to crash and rebuild and heal.

The last few months have been revelatory.

And she wanted that. Velocity had always wanted to support Nautica like Nautica had supported her through her medical training. She had wanted to support mechs who needed it – why else would she had tried so hard and given up so much to become a medic?

And that’s what she kept telling herself over the week. She wanted this life. This life was the life that would best help her to help others.

I'm not sorry I came aboard.

But she still felt her attention slipping at the hospital. Not in the important moments, never when with a patient, because it was in those moments she felt most at ease.

--even after all that's happened — even bearing in mind what's about to happen--

Those were the moments Velocity felt most helpful and useful.

But during her breaks and on the commute to and from work and in the late hours as she lay down to recharge and in the early hours when she got up for the day, Velocity could hear her own words mocking her.

But let’s be clear about one thing:

Velocity was comfortable and safe because she could provide that for those she cared about.

Velocity’s spark ached.

No regrets.

And because she just wasn’t that brave anymore.

“Wait. You seriously got Swerve to agree to an actual, in person date?”

“It’s not a date, Nautica,” Velocity reminded her amica. “It’s very explicitly not a date. He has a new lover, and even if he didn’t, romance is off the table for us.”

“But you are going to see each other in person.”

“Yes.”

Nautica’s face lit up and she reached across the café table to grab Velocity’s servos, squeezing them as she said, “That’s awesome, Lotty! When’s the not-date?”

“Next week,” Velocity said as she glanced down at her drink, smiling despite herself. It was an odd thing to be excited about, knowing that it was going to be an evening full of tears. But the catharsis was long overdue, and despite the fact that they hadn’t worked romantically and never would, she missed Swerve.

And her spark always skipped a little faster when Nautica held her servos.

“I have a couple days off and his ship is moored in the next city over, so I’ll swing over there.”

And somehow, Nautica’s optics went even brighter.

“A ship you say?”

Velocity narrowed her optics. “Why did you say it like that?”

“Like what? This is the picture of ignorant innocence,” Nautica insisted.

A moment passed before Velocity said, “Alright, fess up. What do you already know about Our Ship?”

Nautica laughed as she leaned in, elbows on the table and chin rested on her folded servos. “Just what I heard from Brainstorm. Sounds like Swerve is trying to get together a mini reunion on the Scavengers’ ship to go questing again.”

“Something like that,” Velocity said, doing her best to keep the easy smile on her face, even as she felt her spark sink. “I’m surprised he asked Brainstorm given his medical situation.”

“I personally appreciate that he asked in spite of it,” Nautica said, shrugging. “Brainstorm said no because of it though. Which is why I told Perceptor.”

Velocity reset her optics.

“You did what?”

“What? Brainstorm can try to keep that wall up as much as he wants, but we both know it’s time they got on the same page again,” Nautica insisted. There was a beat as she drew one servo away to sip her drink, optics flickering. “And listen, if anyone can get Brainstorm out of his slump, it’s Perceptor.”

Velocity flipped the servo still in Nautica’s grasp so they were palm-to-palm and Velocity could squeeze back.

“You have done a lot for Brainstorm.”

“I know.” Nautica sighed as she let her thumb trace meaningless shapes against Velocity’s armor. “But there’s only so much I can do when it comes to their relationship, you know?” Velocity nodded, and then with a small huff Nautica added, “Besides, I’m not nearly specialized enough in the sorts of sciences needed to get Brainstorm in traveling shape. If I’m gonna get him hopping around the universe again, step one is getting Perceptor on board.”

“Do you think Brainstorm will go?”

“I hope so,” Nautica replied, expression brightening as her optics met Velocity’s. “I mean, who could say no?”

Velocity swore she felt her spark go cold in her chest as her processor came to a halt with only one thought on repeat.

“Are you going?”

Nautica actually looked surprised at the question, blinking as if Velocity had asked her the obvious.

“Are you not?”

When Nautica squeezed Velocity’s servo, she couldn’t get hers to squeeze in return.

“But your book tour? And—and that article you’re working on about Luna 1--”

“Chances like these don’t come every day, Lotty,” Nautica insisted. Her other servo left her cube to reach for Velocity’s, holding them both in her grasp. “I’m not going to let it go over something like a book tour.” There was a beat, and then another, and Nautica’s digits curled tight around Velocity’s wrists, as if trying to keep her from falling.

“You know, I’ve always told you I just like to travel, and that’s true. But it’s more than that. I – I want to learn more, Lotty. There’s so much out there to find and understand and learn. And every time I see a chance like that, it’s like – it’s like my spark is ready to leap out of my chest. It’s me but also not me, like someone else is in here too and I can’t say no to them, and-- and that’s not something you ignore.”

Velocity wondered if her servos were trembling, but it was hard to tell with how fiercely Nautica held them in her own.

“Are you really not going to take this chance?”

No regrets.

Velocity forced her lips into a smile as she finally squeezed Nautica’s in return.

“I have to make sure there’s somewhere for you to come back to, don’t I?”

By the end of the week, Nautica and Brainstorm and Perceptor had all accepted the offer. And from what Nautica told her, there were only more and more former crew members putting in their answers.

The fact that Minimus Ambus had apparently answered the call with simply a request for three months to get his affairs settled and his successor settled left Velocity reeling.

There was no escaping the topic since Nautica was staying with Velocity while preparing to make her move to Our Ship, and it was all that Nautica could seem to talk about.

Nautica with her pleading eyes and warm servos and a firm grasp on Velocity’s spark that she dared not think about for too long--

But Swerve didn’t mention any of that to Velocity when she arrived at the ship itself. He simply acted like it was a new home she had just not been to before when he met her on the dock and led her inside. The tour was short and succinct, though the stories that Swerve told about them were anything but, and by the time they arrived at his room, Velocity was already itching for a drink.

The room was organized chaos and Misfire’s grin wide and true as he said, “Hey, long time no see! Guess that’s my cue to get outta here, huh?”

Velocity wondered for a moment if it should hurt to watch Misfire’s wings flutter as he leaned down to give Swerve a quick peck before leaving. But it didn’t. If anything, it was a relief to see Swerve cared for, and to see him so readily accept it.

And Velocity couldn’t help giggling when Misfire threw her two big thumbs up behind Swerve’s back as he slipped out the door.

“--nice, right?”

Velocity hadn’t heard the first part, but she nodded all the same.

There weren’t any tears left by the time the evening had long turned to night.

Literally. Velocity checked her systems to see that yes, her optic cleanser storage had run dry.

Her laugh when Swerve admitted the same was half sob and it felt freeing.

“You know, after the breakup, I had wanted to see if we could work as amica.”

“I know,” Swerve admitted, and he laughed when Velocity looked at him, horrified, because she had kept it as a terrible never-to-be-spoken-aloud secret for so long. “What? You’re Camien. You guys love jumping helm-first into becoming amica endura. And I had always figured if I hadn’t kissed you that night, you would have amica’ed me hard, and… I dunno, I just assumed that hadn’t changed.”

And then it clicked.

“And you didn’t think you deserved that.”

“I mean, more than that – obviously it was more than that considering I’m covered in tears and I’ve only stopped leaking because I physically can’t anymore. But that was part of it. I just – I didn’t think I could handle it.”

Swerve’s servo had always managed to surprise Velocity with its size. Wide and sturdy and warm when it held hers.

“It’s been a hard couple of centuries.”

“Millennia, Swerve.”

“No. That’s not possible.”

“It’s been millennia.”

“No! It can’t be!”

“It is!”

“I’m withering to dust!” Swerve proclaimed and Velocity burst into laughter. Swerve followed after and they only seemed to feed into each other’s mirth.

And then it faded.

And then Velocity was staring at the ceiling as she said, at once drunk and far too sober, “Primus. We’re going to die someday.”

“I mean, yeah?” Swerve said, his helm tilting to the side to look at her. His servo tightened around hers. “Lotty?”

“I don’t want to die like this.”

“Drunk?”

“Safe.”

Before Swerve had a chance to comment on that, Velocity pushed up from her sprawl on the berth, optics bright with revelation as she looked down at Swerve intently. “Did you ever do engravings as a metallurgist?”

“Uh,” Swerve managed as he blinked up at her. “I mostly filled engravings mechs regretted afterwards since I’m not much of an artist, but I’ve used engraving tools before.”

And, for the first time in weeks, Velocity smiled wide and bright.

“Could you engrave something for me?”

It took a lot of convincing for Swerve to agree. Well, a lot of convincing for Swerve, so in reality it only took about ten minutes before he pulled out his old equipment. All that was needed was a little topical sensornet numbing agent and the handheld engraver itself. The real tricky part was Swerve trying to find a good angle from which to work before finally Velocity grabbed Swerve by the waist and pulled him atop her abdomen.

“Lotty!”

“What?” Velocity said, snickering as Swerve shifted to find his balance. “It’s not the first time you’ve straddled me.”

“It is the first time I’ve done it with no intention to ride your spike,” Swerve pointed out and Velocity couldn’t have contained her laughter if she tried.

Some mixture of the waning intoxication from engex and the waxing intoxication from catharsis left her gasping for ventilations as she patted Swerve’s knees.

“Well—oh Primus. W-well, I’m glad to hear that,” she finally managed.

And Swerve positively glowed as he grinned down at her.

“You know what, Lotty? I think you were right.”

“About everything?” Velocity teased and Swerve shrugged easily.

“Well, yeah, but I meant that I think you were right that we should have been amica.” A beat passed, pregnant with something which was tense and oddly comfortable. “Maybe we should be amica.”

And Velocity’s spark soared.

“One big decision at a time,” she said as she squeezed Swerve’s knee. “We’ll talk about it when we know we’re thinking straight.”

Swerve nodded before, with a smirk, brandished his engraver and said, “Well then, shall we move on to making dumb decisions?”

And Velocity laughed as her chest plates parted to reveal her spark chamber.

Nautica was curled up on the couch in Velocity’s living room when she returned, datapad in servo, obviously waiting for Velocity.

“Hey, there you are! I was starting to wonder if I was going to have to go over there and drag you home myself,” she said as she unfurled. She stayed sitting though, patting the spot next to her eagerly.

Velocity wasn’t sure she could sit, though. Not with all this momentum she felt spark deep.

“I got an engraving,” Velocity announced in lieu of a real greeting.

Nautica blinked up at her.

“What?”

“An engraving. Swerve did it for me, and I’ll warn you his hand-writing is a little iffy but I like it.” Velocity stepped over to the couch, reaching out for Nautica and taking her servos when Nautica offered them in return, confused but not unwilling. It was easy to pull Nautica to her pedes as Velocity continued, “Also I’m coming too.”

“Coming?”

“On the quest. On Our Ship. I’m coming with you.”

Nautica still looked bewildered, but a smile was coming back to her face along with an airy laugh as she said, “Really? You’re gonna come?”

“Yeah!” Velocity confirmed, the joy vibrating her frame from the inside out. “Yeah, I just—I realized I can’t do this anymore, I can’t—I’m tired of playing it safe. I don’t want to die knowing I let something like this go, you know?”

Nautica’s grin was brilliant.

Nautica was beautiful.

“I can’t let you go.”

Kissing Nautica should have felt wrong, but Velocity’s spark burned brighter.

But reality started to creep back in, causing Velocity to pull back, stammering, “Oh, oh no, I didn’t – sorry, that was too far, I--”

But Nautica just laughed and returned the favor.

When they finally parted, Nautica murmured against Velocity’s lips, “You didn’t tell me what the engraving says.”