#positive intention

Having a lot of realizations lately. Coming through a “burning time”, and having been resurrected—I am now able to face the world differently. The one thing I feared to lose the most... I now am not afraid of anymore. For the first time, I was able to stand up to the shadow of my father, and try to take back some power by reinforcing my boundaries. It was painful and hard, but very good for me.

“I can’t be with the man I love, I can’t breathe when he treats me rough.” I keep hearing this song in my head, and I realize the toxicity I was dealing with... in him.... in me... in the way we related to one another. I see now, all the ways in which I contributed to the unhealthiness in our connection, but I can’t deny, that interacting with him in his current state—drags me back into old behavior patterns that I thought were behind me. The truth is—I am no longer that girl. I am not a raging alcoholic, I have self worth, self respect and I am able to face the world free of drugs and alcohol for the first time. I want to live, I am patient, gentle and sweet. Though I still struggle with insecurity, I am LOADS better than I have ever been.

The issue we kept running into, was talking about past relationships. If there is one thing I’ve learned in all my years of failing at them—it’s not to bring them up. It’s okay to bring it up to explain why you have a certain issue, ex: “someone did this to me once, which made me feel this way, can you please not do this thing, because it triggers me to feel that again.” Totally acceptable. Talking in detail about your sex life with that person, or the nice things they did for you, even if you are complaining... it just shows you are not over it. You are still in another relationship, so how can you be present in the new one?

I admit, I was not ready for love when it came to me the first time. I have been abused and brutalized for much of my life, and like a wild stallion that has been fenced in... I kicked the back gate open in my panic and fled. “Stop trying to control me!” But they weren’t trying to control me, they were trying to love me. The unfortunate part is that they went about it the wrong way. Threatening with abandonment is negative reinforcement, and it will not motivate others to change their behavior, it will only motivate them to dodge and avoid your anger.

My drinking was always the main issue. Since I began to get sober, the fog in my bead cleared.. I stopped drinking after my 3 1/2 year relationship, because the stimulus that caused me stress and insecurity was no longer there. I am very clear now why I drank, but I am also clear that I should have stopped. It just felt inevitable, because the one thing I asked was me we acknowledged. It was emotional abuse, but I was abusive too. It was a toxic dynamic. I felt pushed to the brink of my sanity, driven mad with jealousy and insecurity. Then I would drink to purge my pent up emotions, or physically harm because I would be teased until my rage had no words.

However, this is the past. I truly have let go of that past. I know why I acted that way, I understand why he acted the way he did too. I made peace with all of it—finally. My intention was to build a friendship, and relate to each other in a different way. More compassionate, better communication, less pressure and stress. I tried to hold fast to these ideals, but everything became murky. He is deeply lost and broken, seeing him hurt so deeply over other women... reminds me of my own broken heart. A heart that was almost completely healed... but the wound keeps getting ripped open with intimate details of his relationships since me.

This brought my insecurities up, which made me anxious. I never knew where I stood. It didn’t feel right. I felt like a caretaker, or a band aid... a mother... but not a person of real consequence. I tried to hold the space for him, so he could release and share his processing, but after a few months, it began to wear on my self esteem. This is not his fault, I am responsible for how I respond to things, but the truth is—it does trigger me, and it does bring up all kinds of ugly sad emotions for me. I just want to be present with this person. He says, I need to talk about these things, insinuating that if I can’t talk to him about other women in his life that I’m not a real friend.

Given the tragic nature of our history, I felt it was inappropriate. Though I too shared details of my relationships in an attempt to relate better to him, I really have no anger or sadness towards any of my exes. The only one that causes me pain and confusion still—is him. Not because I am holding on to the past though... when we first began talking again, I felt we were patching holes. It was tremendously healing for me, an emotional veteran, but very exhausting for him. A lot of deep pain resurfaced for me, because I felt he needed to know just how affected I actually was. I needed him to acknowledge my pain for once, instead of dodging it because he couldn’t take any responsibility. Granted, I could have handled things better then, but in actuality—I couldn’t because I was an utterly defeated person who lost the will to live.

Fully aware, that the self sacrificing love I had for him was unhealthy, I wanted so much to transmute that energy into a positive healing force, for both myself and him. Forgiveness was fostered in me, and like a garden, it needed time and tending to. Still, I tend that garden. Gently cutting away the weeds in my thinking. I was steadfast and true, but everything felt... groundless. I never knew what was going on. Insecure attachment. Whenever I tried to talk to him to clear the air, he felt instantly overwhelmed, and withdrew further and further. Each time he did this, my heart grew more and more sad. Like sand spilling through the cracks in my fingers, I felt him going away from me.

Weeping gently, heartbroken and not knowing what I did or how to fix it. Abandonment issues, yet I see him suffering, and all I want to do is help. I see him limping and I want to put his arm around my shoulder and help hoist him up, help steady him. My sadness now, is knowing I can do nothing to help him with this. It is a journey he had to take alone, just as I did all those years ago. It took me three years to get stable as I am now, I can’t afford to lose that progress. I can’t keep sacrificing myself for those I love, compromising my own health and happiness to make sure they are okay. For once I had to protect myself, and reinforce the boundaries I set.

Though I wish I could be there to guide him, to comfort and care for him... I can’t. It hurts too much. To feel like a consolation prize, or a security blanket. My last relationship was one of love, trust, and devotion. It’s hard to go back to something that leaves me feeling worthless (no matter how unintentionally). Knowing myself now as I do, the time is ripe for me to find a life partner. I am careful, discerning, and have little tolerance for bullshit. I am ready to love and be loved, for the first time in my life. Sadly, Love is not enough. It was not enough with this person, or my last relationship either. You must work together, it’s a partnership.

Focusing on my career and my goals is my primary concern right now. I want to harvest and cultivate wealth and success in my experience now. Not just monetary (though that as well), but also wealth of experiences, relationships, self awareness, self confidence. Feeling really good about how I take care of myself on all levels.

Minimal drinking (limited to outings, once maybe twice a week max), no drugs, no smoking. Taking vitamins, exercising everyday... today I did Pilates for 30 mins, and ran for an hour and a half. Cleaned my room, cleaned out my closet, sold/donated clothes, meditating semi regularly, reading, writing, painting/drawing again. Rehearsing scenes to film on a reel. Filming a commercial, short play festival, booked solid for a whole month with photo shoots, repairing vintage clothes to sell in my Etsy shop. Prepared to hustle so I can take acting classes again. Trying to fill my life with art, love and creation. That way when someone comes along—I will have to make room in my life for them to come in, because my life is so full without anyone else.

Over the last fees days I decided: misery is a choice. My moods may come and go, but they are shades. Instead of weaving these moods and negative thought patterns into a belief system, I am trying to objectively identify the emotions. The root, the origin. When is the first time I felt this emotion? The second? The third? What triggers this feeling in me? What unhealed aspect of myself is surfacing right now?

This process, is a lonely one, but only if I focus my intention there. Lately I try to shift my loneliness onto appreciation. When I do interact with a person, instead of being so deeply in my head that no one can connect to me, I try to be present with that person, so see into them, feel into them. Be fully in the moment, enjoying them as they stand there. I have to pull myself back to reality often. Always off in my imagination somewhere. Maladaptive coping mechanism.

My intimacy issues are something fierce. I don’t want to be close to anybody. Nobody except the few people to whom I am already close. Everyone else is served with my usual psychological perception (when called for, when seen as a necessary component to their growth) or artificially engineered charm and charisma required in social graces. I let very few people into the sanctum that is my heart. “It’s not safe to bring people below the surface. The bigger the trust, the bigger the love… The more destructive and cataclysmic the end.” Yes of course I learned and grew by leaps and bounds. Yes of course it served my expansion and in some ways I am now better for it. Yet I can’t deny my repulsion to intimacy now. People wanting to get to “know” me. I’m tired of telling my stories. Everyone has heard them all anyway.

In some ways I feel stronger than ever I have, yet on an interpersonal level I feel damaged. Especially with men. They want to know me, they are actually interested in my mind as well as my body, but I want to scream and run away. I find myself twisting my napkin in my lap, wondering when is it appropriate to leave.

I have been meditating, and being gentle with myself as I work on this issue. I have all these horrible thoughts in my head about myself, thoughts that were put there by other people. A visualization technique that helps me is this:

An untruth/ negative thought comes into your mind. Say the thought is: “I am not good enough”. Visualize where this thought first came to you. Recall all the times you were told this, or alluded to this idea, and trace back the root of this network in your brain. Where it all stems from. When you have identified this memory. Ex: your mother yelling that you can’t do anything right. Or your father calling you clumsy. Remember that 99% of what everyone says is about them. They are not defining you, they are reflecting how they feel about themselves.

Now visualize putting that thought and emotion into a box, and sending it back to them. If the thought returns, immediately send the box back to them. If you have to send it back a hundred times a day, so be it. Do this, and gradually the thought will lessen. The belief will not be as powerful, and one day it will no longer be a belief. This can take months, sometimes even years if the root goes deep enough, so be patient with yourself. Do not expect to see results overnight.

In my personal experience in the last six months, I have practiced this visualization technique, and I can feel it working. I have more self confidence now than ever in my life, I genuinely believe in my capabilities (which is HUGE for me). Of course it’s not perfect, just stronger than before. I am more comfortable in my own skin, I feel my own worth and value now. In the past I felt no value at all, I felt such little self worth that I was ashamed to exist. I wS furious to be alive when I woke up every morning.

I am here as living proof that you can overcome negative thought patterns. It is conscious, caring work, but it is possible. The patience you exercise with yourself in this healing process will build self love. This is such a soothing element. When you can talk about something without the sharp stab in your chest or without crying, you know you have truly healed.

My intimacy issues will be my next project. Now that I have a sense of self again, I need to work on not fearing deep connection with others. Fear sabotages, and is a vibrational match to exactly the kind of experiences that you wish to avoid. I recognize that this fear I have of letting others in… Comes from being deeply hurt by people with whom I was close in the past. My aversion stems from the subtext: “it’s not safe. I want to be safe.”

Perhaps safety should be my priority right now. Perhaps I am not yet ready for intimacy again. If I am being honest with myself, this fear of intimacy brings up the following thoughts: -if I let people in, they will hurt me. -if I tell them who I am, they will use it against me. -if I make myself vulnerable, they will take advantage. -if I care, they have power over me. -if they have power, they have control. -if I am trapped, I am closer to death. -if I love, I am weak. -if I am weak, I am easily manipulated or badly used. -if I invest, I lose my identity. -if I invest, I lose.

These negative constructs are directly related to emotional recall and personal experience. Words themselves are inert. They have no meaning except that which we give to them. They are merely identified sounds. Also meaning is relative. We attach meaning to words and ideas for many different reasons. One of these reasons is self defense though we also attach meaning for reasons like personal identity.

Let me give you an example. Attached meaning as self defense. Say the word/idea is “love”. To one person, love makes them think of their grandmother, their pet or their high school sweetheart. Some people have positive associations to the word, and so their brain automatically begins firing neuro transmitters that recall fond memories. However, if a person has negative associations with the word, such as the death of a loved one, the loss of a relationship, etc, the neurotransmitters will fire and recall the opposite.

Some people think of the word love, and feel a lifting sensation in their chest. Other people think of love and feel a sinking. It is also possible for a person to feel these opposite states at different times relative to the situation. And so meaning, is inherently relative.

This means a belief can be changed with positive intentionality. As they say: neurons that fire together, wire together. Yes there is resistance when you try to make them fire in an entirely different direction, they are used to the branches and thought networks associated with what it has already experienced. Yet if you continue to fire in the opposite direction. New neurological patterns will form, and once they wire together in s new direction, it will become easier and easier to activate.